I keep coming back to this question

[lftbehind]

Hi, I made a post a few months about my A situation. I am M and had serious problems in my M a long time before I met MM. I still have LC with MM and see him once in a while. We've never had a fight, but there have been times where I thought that it might end. He says that he cares for his W as a friend now and not a lover and she feels the same way. The have 2 teenage boys and he says that they are staying together for the kids. It doesn't matter much, but I do believe him. At this point I don't have it in me to pursue him, but if he contacts me I respond and I still like hearing from him. He doesn't seem happy and seems to need contact with me. I know people stay together when they're not happy. I guess the question that I keep asking through all of this is how can you love someone romantically and cheat on them? Is it easier if you don't love them that way? What are other peoples' opinions.

[bathtub-row]

Men cheat for all kinds of reasons and don't kid yourself into thinking that he's telling you everything. I used to think that it meant something that my xMM kept pursuing me, couldn't stand not talking to me, etc. But it really meant nothing. I know for a fact that he's miserable in his marriage but I also know that he won't leave.

 

You seem to think that having romantic feelings for someone is a high priority for men, and that it keeps them faithful. It doesn't and while they enjoy romanticism, it doesn't have the same importance to men as it does to women.

 

I no longer waste my time trying to understand why people do the things they do, or why they stay in miserable relationships. All you can do is try to understand your own feelings and reasons and act on that.

[lftbehind]

Men cheat for all kinds of reasons and don't kid yourself into thinking that he's telling you everything. I used to think that it meant something that my xMM kept pursuing me, couldn't stand not talking to me, etc. But it really meant nothing. I know for a fact that he's miserable in his marriage but I also know that he won't leave.

 

You seem to think that having romantic feelings for someone is a high priority for men, and that it keeps them faithful. It doesn't and while they enjoy romanticism, it doesn't have the same importance to men as it does to women.

 

I no longer waste my time trying to understand why people do the things they do, or why they stay in miserable relationships. All you can do is try to understand your own feelings and reasons and act on that.

 

I don't have rose-colored glasses on, so I don't know why I don't just let the MM go. He hardly tells me anything about his marriage. I understand my own feelings, but unfortunately have to deal with other people. I can't help trying to figure out things.

[privategal]

I too was caught in the trap of thinking I was so special that he couldn't let me go or stop contacting me so I was stuck being pulled back in and emotionally enslaved to his friendship believing underneath the guise of friendship it was really true love that kept him pulling me in.

In truth he didn't want me to move on and forget him...that takes away from his ego strokes.

Even if he didnt want me I think it feels like a win when they can still get nice greetings from you and it validates them that you dont hate them even when they KNOW they hurt you, strung you along, downgraded you to friendship.

If you are on facebook friend a page called baggage reclaim.

It took me so long...still working on it..to see...the only one benefiting from this friendship is him.

He gets to think...Im not a bad guy..shes still nice to me, misses me, I get to play EVERY one and still come out with a loving wife and a friend who loves me.

Every contact is keeping you from healing and picking at scabs and validating him and his huge ego.

Your the one he chose not to pick. Don't settle for a breadcrumb friendship now.

[Ophelia25]

I too was caught in the trap of thinking I was so special that he couldn't let me go or stop contacting me so I was stuck being pulled back in and emotionally enslaved to his friendship believing underneath the guise of friendship it was really true love that kept him pulling me in.

 

I think might be my issue as well. He talks about how he's addicted to me, obsessed with me, wants me, etc., but then he drops that talk for awhile and pretends to just be a distant friend talking to me out of obligation. Because I've known (and loved) him for 25 years, and because when this whole thing started he pummeled me with all sorts of true love and romantic talk and wanting to run off, I just didn't believe that he could really downgrade us to friendship so easily, that he was just hiding his real feelings about me. And maybe that's true, but he pulled me in so completely and then dropped it so abruptly that I didn't know what to think.

 

What I do know is that, as unhappy as he may be in his marriage, he's definitely staying there, and his contact with me is merely a distraction and an ego boost. Do I cave and talk to him anyway? Yes. Is it bad for everyone? Probably.

[lftbehind]

I too was caught in the trap of thinking I was so special that he couldn't let me go or stop contacting me so I was stuck being pulled back in and emotionally enslaved to his friendship believing underneath the guise of friendship it was really true love that kept him pulling me in.

In truth he didn't want me to move on and forget him...that takes away from his ego strokes.

Even if he didnt want me I think it feels like a win when they can still get nice greetings from you and it validates them that you dont hate them even when they KNOW they hurt you, strung you along, downgraded you to friendship.

If you are on facebook friend a page called baggage reclaim.

It took me so long...still working on it..to see...the only one benefiting from this friendship is him.

He gets to think...Im not a bad guy..shes still nice to me, misses me, I get to play EVERY one and still come out with a loving wife and a friend who loves me.

Every contact is keeping you from healing and picking at scabs and validating him and his huge ego.

Your the one he chose not to pick. Don't settle for a breadcrumb friendship now.

 

I agree MM doesn't want me to move on. I think that these MM must care about us some or they wouldn't even keep talking to us. I'm sure that it's an ego stroke for them. I've read baggage reclaim a few times and it's good. If or when he stops contact with me I could do NC more easily. I know that it would be better for me. I don't think his wife trusts him and things at home don't sound too good. The breadcrumb friendship is hard sometimes.

[privategal]

I agree MM doesn't want me to move on. I think that these MM must care about us some or they wouldn't even keep talking to us. I'm sure that it's an ego stroke for them. I've read baggage reclaim a few times and it's good. If or when he stops contact with me I could do NC more easily. I know that it would be better for me. I don't think his wife trusts him and things at home don't sound too good. The breadcrumb friendship is hard sometimes.

I promise you the cycle will not end. Every time he came back to me and expressed he misses me and uses words like "us" a ton and expresses love and much more...I get swept up again...I believed him but I truly dont think he loves me, nor him you...

I think its that he knows how you feel about him...that you are weak and vulnerable to his advances...so when HE needs that...he is sure you are right there...willing to take him in and soothe him, kiss his boo boos and build him up, be his fantasy....but....what does that get you? How long will this round last? And if he's not leaving...then that is like the car dealership loaning you your dream car for a short time...so you ride in it, love it, feel great and safe and happy and proud of it...then they call and say have the keys and car back TODAY its no longer yours to use.

Wouldn't you want to stop breaking your own heart, hurting yourself emotionally, damaging your self esteem for someone who doesnt TRULY want you?

It wont change...Ive been on the roller coaster for YEARS.

Dont do it...dont buy the crap about the heart wants what it wants etc.

Go dark...cut off his source...do you wanna be treated ever like an obligation? It HURTS and affects your health and self value. Please try and get out of this viscous cycle.

It never leads anywhere but keeps your hope alive.

Your in it now for the ego stroke too. Someone like him shouldn't validate you.

His breadcrumbs are STALE and worthless.

But he knows you eat them up.

Hope you can move on.

[Grapesofwrath]

This discussion is perfect for me right now, too. I'm with you all, in that place of being served crumbs only, which I now refuse to accept. The space he has in his life for me is miniscule, and I refuse to be shoved into some little box. He pulled out all the stops to convince me, told me he feels like I am his "mate" and that what we had was "like a marriage." This infuriated me, so I had to block his ability to contact me. These are just words, powerful words, that he uses because he knows how they will affect me.

 

He still offers nothing real, however, and his desire to keep me around and give me even less than I was given before makes my blood boil. These men are interested only in pleasing themselves. Their selfishness knows no bounds. Does he think you are that desperate? That you think so little of yourself that you would be satisfied with this? They will give lip service to the idea that you "deserve" someone to really be there for you, but they won't get out of the way so that can happen.

[Grapesofwrath]

Hi, I made a post a few months about my A situation. I am M and had serious problems in my M a long time before I met MM. I still have LC with MM and see him once in a while. We've never had a fight, but there have been times where I thought that it might end. He says that he cares for his W as a friend now and not a lover and she feels the same way. The have 2 teenage boys and he says that they are staying together for the kids. It doesn't matter much, but I do believe him. At this point I don't have it in me to pursue him, but if he contacts me I respond and I still like hearing from him. He doesn't seem happy and seems to need contact with me. I know people stay together when they're not happy. I guess the question that I keep asking through all of this is how can you love someone romantically and cheat on them? Is it easier if you don't love them that way? What are other peoples' opinions.

 

The answer, IMO, is that you can't be in love with someone and cheat on them. Because whatever reason you have for wanting to stray is eclipsed by the knowledge that you would be hurting and betraying your beloved, and that thought would be untenable.

 

I think people can be content in marriage, even happy, and still cheat. Because marriage isn't all about love. Marriage is a legal contract with far-reaching consequences. One might be very satisfied with one's partner in the contract, but not be in love with that person. Love is love. Marriage is marriage. If you are fortunate enough to have both together, consider yourself to be blessed.

[ladydesigner]

Hi, I made a post a few months about my A situation. I am M and had serious problems in my M a long time before I met MM. I still have LC with MM and see him once in a while. We've never had a fight, but there have been times where I thought that it might end. He says that he cares for his W as a friend now and not a lover and she feels the same way. The have 2 teenage boys and he says that they are staying together for the kids. It doesn't matter much, but I do believe him. At this point I don't have it in me to pursue him, but if he contacts me I respond and I still like hearing from him. He doesn't seem happy and seems to need contact with me. I know people stay together when they're not happy. I guess the question that I keep asking through all of this is how can you love someone romantically and cheat on them? Is it easier if you don't love them that way? What are other peoples' opinions.

 

You know MM lie right?

[privategal]

This discussion is perfect for me right now, too. I'm with you all, in that place of being served crumbs only, which I now refuse to accept. The space he has in his life for me is miniscule, and I refuse to be shoved into some little box. He pulled out all the stops to convince me, told me he feels like I am his "mate" and that what we had was "like a marriage." This infuriated me, so I had to block his ability to contact me. These are just words, powerful words, that he uses because he knows how they will affect me.

 

He still offers nothing real, however, and his desire to keep me around and give me even less than I was given before makes my blood boil. These men are interested only in pleasing themselves. Their selfishness knows no bounds. Does he think you are that desperate? That you think so little of yourself that you would be satisfied with this? They will give lip service to the idea that you "deserve" someone to really be there for you, but they won't get out of the way so that can happen.

Be proud you took a stand for yourself and blocked him. Its so difficult to do in the 1st place but I stayed around and got oulled in many times and nothing was ever different. I hope other gals can preserve their dignity like you.

I hope you are one of the ones years down the road who post that you never looked back. I hope the same for me

Cause each time I got sucked back in it was for friendship.

Each time I was stroked, groomed, little by little that special attention we can be weak to..pulling heart strings, your hooked. Until you aren't needed anymore then he's back to playing house. And he knows you will be there when he needs you again.

I told him...if you ever find a void again where you need affection and attention FIND SOME OTHER SUCKER!

It isnt special or sweet or tortured love that cant be together cause of lifes cruel timing and circumstance.

Its cake eating and using. Dont ever unblock I dont care if you miss him...miss your life and happiness more!

[lftbehind]

I promise you the cycle will not end. Every time he came back to me and expressed he misses me and uses words like "us" a ton and expresses love and much more...I get swept up again...I believed him but I truly dont think he loves me, nor him you...

I think its that he knows how you feel about him...that you are weak and vulnerable to his advances...so when HE needs that...he is sure you are right there...willing to take him in and soothe him, kiss his boo boos and build him up, be his fantasy....but....what does that get you? How long will this round last? And if he's not leaving...then that is like the car dealership loaning you your dream car for a short time...so you ride in it, love it, feel great and safe and happy and proud of it...then they call and say have the keys and car back TODAY its no longer yours to use.

Wouldn't you want to stop breaking your own heart, hurting yourself emotionally, damaging your self esteem for someone who doesnt TRULY want you?

It wont change...Ive been on the roller coaster for YEARS.

Dont do it...dont buy the crap about the heart wants what it wants etc.

Go dark...cut off his source...do you wanna be treated ever like an obligation? It HURTS and affects your health and self value. Please try and get out of this viscous cycle.

It never leads anywhere but keeps your hope alive.

Your in it now for the ego stroke too. Someone like him shouldn't validate you.

His breadcrumbs are STALE and worthless.

But he knows you eat them up.

Hope you can move on.

 

Thank you so much for taking time to reply. It is a cycle and luckily I'm caring less about him over time. I know that he wants the physical relationship with me and I've wondered if that's all he wants anymore, since he doesn't contact me as much. We communicate through email, which is good for me. He used to email me every day and now it's a few times a week, maybe. I met him in January and he really took an interest in me for about 3 months and said that he wanted be with me. All of a sudden, he told be he wanted to be just friends with benefits, because he couldn't leave his kids. It really hurt to be downgraded and I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong. I think that he does take advantage of my feelings for him. I used to envy his wife, but I don't now. I like the car analogy. Should I just stop answering emails? When you were in that situation was it a roller coaster for most of it? Did you see MM much? I hardly ever see MM. It is very painful and hurts the self esteem, I guess that I kept thinking that it might change. Thank you for helping me to see reality. I know that I need to let it go.

[lftbehind]

You know MM lie right?

 

Yes, I sure do!

[lftbehind]

This discussion is perfect for me right now, too. I'm with you all, in that place of being served crumbs only, which I now refuse to accept. The space he has in his life for me is miniscule, and I refuse to be shoved into some little box. He pulled out all the stops to convince me, told me he feels like I am his "mate" and that what we had was "like a marriage." This infuriated me, so I had to block his ability to contact me. These are just words, powerful words, that he uses because he knows how they will affect me.

 

He still offers nothing real, however, and his desire to keep me around and give me even less than I was given before makes my blood boil. These men are interested only in pleasing themselves. Their selfishness knows no bounds. Does he think you are that desperate? That you think so little of yourself that you would be satisfied with this? They will give lip service to the idea that you "deserve" someone to really be there for you, but they won't get out of the way so that can happen.

 

Good for you that you have blocked him and it takes strength to do that. I think that you've reached your breaking point, where you don't want to put up with the situation anymore and that's great! You have gotten tired of everything being all about him. I get to that point and he contacts me again. I respond, but never really let my guard down with him. I don't feel the same about him, like I used to. He knows my vulnerabilities, so he probably thinks that I am desperate. I know that I need to block him for my own good.

[lftbehind]

The answer, IMO, is that you can't be in love with someone and cheat on them. Because whatever reason you have for wanting to stray is eclipsed by the knowledge that you would be hurting and betraying your beloved, and that thought would be untenable.

 

I think people can be content in marriage, even happy, and still cheat. Because marriage isn't all about love. Marriage is a legal contract with far-reaching consequences. One might be very satisfied with one's partner in the contract, but not be in love with that person. Love is love. Marriage is marriage. If you are fortunate enough to have both together, consider yourself to be blessed.

 

I don't think that you can be in love with someone and cheat on them, either. It's hard for me to grasp the concept about being married to someone without the romantic love. Isn't that what helps keep you together during the hard times and keeps you interested in your partner? I guess some people are happy to have the companionship?

[Lovemesomehim]

Hi, I made a post a few months about my A situation. I am M and had serious problems in my M a long time before I met MM. I still have LC with MM and see him once in a while. We've never had a fight, but there have been times where I thought that it might end. He says that he cares for his W as a friend now and not a lover and she feels the same way. The have 2 teenage boys and he says that they are staying together for the kids. It doesn't matter much, but I do believe him. At this point I don't have it in me to pursue him, but if he contacts me I respond and I still like hearing from him. He doesn't seem happy and seems to need contact with me. I know people stay together when they're not happy. I guess the question that I keep asking through all of this is how can you love someone romantically and cheat on them? Is it easier if you don't love them that way? What are other peoples' opinions.

But you are

Why do you stay with your husband?

[privategal]

Thank you so much for taking time to reply. It is a cycle and luckily I'm caring less about him over time. I know that he wants the physical relationship with me and I've wondered if that's all he wants anymore, since he doesn't contact me as much. We communicate through email, which is good for me. He used to email me every day and now it's a few times a week, maybe. I met him in January and he really took an interest in me for about 3 months and said that he wanted be with me. All of a sudden, he told be he wanted to be just friends with benefits, because he couldn't leave his kids. It really hurt to be downgraded and I kept trying to figure out what I did wrong. I think that he does take advantage of my feelings for him. I used to envy his wife, but I don't now. I like the car analogy. Should I just stop answering emails? When you were in that situation was it a roller coaster for most of it? Did you see MM much? I hardly ever see MM. It is very painful and hurts the self esteem, I guess that I kept thinking that it might change. Thank you for helping me to see reality. I know that I need to let it go.

 

We had very high highs and lower lows. Always a roller coaster. I always went back because I truly believed he really did love me. They dont.

What your MM told you straight up was that he didn't chose you. So cutting him off is painful because there's still hope, hes still reaching out.

But the signs are all there...he said he wont be with you ever (believe him) and now he doesn't even miss you enough to at least check in each day?

You've heard the saying "he's just not that intetested"?

Cause NOW you've proven you will settle for less and still be there so now hes lost respect for you too.

I can't stand to see this happen.

Ughhh remind yourself...he is sleeping with her doing family activities, being happy...and your watching your phone so he can what? Drop you a bare minimum effort or worse yet come over and use you?

Your actions practically beg him to downgrade you and Im not at all judging or putting you down but is this the way a man behaves who loves and cares for you and repects you?

 

Don't even give him closure, one last email or call...just go dark. Its GONNA hurt but staying will hurt so much worse I promise you I see myself in you and don't want you to be me.

My self esteem was so crushed, I was so confused, I was dropped so many times and Im pretty, my body is nice, my job is good, my husband is amazing.

I went back cause my self value, feeling loved, worthy, was centered around him because of the rejection.

It really took a toll and I finally wised up.

Its really cruel what I did to myself and what I allowed.

You can do better. You can stop now.

Let him sleep in the bed he made.

You boosted his ego enough.

Let him see how it feels to be shut out and rejected.

Block him and RUN. You only get 1 life.

Live it well. Be brave!

[lftbehind]

But you are

Why do you stay with your husband?

 

I can't afford to be on my own

[Popsicle]

Hi, I made a post a few months about my A situation. I am M and had serious problems in my M a long time before I met MM. I still have LC with MM and see him once in a while. We've never had a fight, but there have been times where I thought that it might end. He says that he cares for his W as a friend now and not a lover and she feels the same way. The have 2 teenage boys and he says that they are staying together for the kids. It doesn't matter much, but I do believe him. At this point I don't have it in me to pursue him, but if he contacts me I respond and I still like hearing from him. He doesn't seem happy and seems to need contact with me. I know people stay together when they're not happy. I guess the question that I keep asking through all of this is how can you love someone romantically and cheat on them? Is it easier if you don't love them that way? What are other peoples' opinions.

 

I had a good friend who was like you. Even though she was married herself and doing the same thing, she still asked the same questions as if she didn't understand what her MM was doing. She could not see that he was doing the same thing she was and the answers to her questions lie in looking at her own reasoning for doing what she's doing. It's as if she thought he may have had different reasoning than her, when most MP's have the same exact reasoning. Either that or, she didn't like that reasoning. She could dish it out but couldn't take it back.

[lftbehind]

I had a good friend who was like you. Even though she was married herself and doing the same thing, she still asked the same questions as if she didn't understand what her MM was doing. She could not see that he was doing the same thing she was and the answers to her questions lie in looking at her own reasoning for doing what she's doing. It's as if she thought he may have had different reasoning than her, when most MP's have the same exact reasoning. Either that or, she didn't like that reasoning. She could dish it out but couldn't take it back.

 

I think MM reasons for having the A were different than mine. I fell for him and I think he basically just wanted sex. I wanted to think that he cared about me.

[Popsicle]

I think MM reasons for having the A were different than mine. I fell for him and I think he basically just wanted sex. I wanted to think that he cared about me.

 

Well, he does care, but it doesn't mean anything. He's not leaving and neither are you. He just knows it's bad for you both and needs to end.

[lftbehind]

We had very high highs and lower lows. Always a roller coaster. I always went back because I truly believed he really did love me. They dont.

What your MM told you straight up was that he didn't chose you. So cutting him off is painful because there's still hope, hes still reaching out.

But the signs are all there...he said he wont be with you ever (believe him) and now he doesn't even miss you enough to at least check in each day?

You've heard the saying "he's just not that intetested"?

Cause NOW you've proven you will settle for less and still be there so now hes lost respect for you too.

I can't stand to see this happen.

Ughhh remind yourself...he is sleeping with her doing family activities, being happy...and your watching your phone so he can what? Drop you a bare minimum effort or worse yet come over and use you?

Your actions practically beg him to downgrade you and Im not at all judging or putting you down but is this the way a man behaves who loves and cares for you and repects you?

 

Don't even give him closure, one last email or call...just go dark. Its GONNA hurt but staying will hurt so much worse I promise you I see myself in you and don't want you to be me.

My self esteem was so crushed, I was so confused, I was dropped so many times and Im pretty, my body is nice, my job is good, my husband is amazing.

I went back cause my self value, feeling loved, worthy, was centered around him because of the rejection.

It really took a toll and I finally wised up.

Its really cruel what I did to myself and what I allowed.

You can do better. You can stop now.

Let him sleep in the bed he made.

You boosted his ego enough.

Let him see how it feels to be shut out and rejected.

Block him and RUN. You only get 1 life.

Live it well. Be brave!

 

Thank you so much for taking time to reply to this post. You have helped me so much and I have been thinking about the things that you said. I think that you're right and MM doesn't care about me. I wanted to believe that he did, but I don't really think so. I have been detaching myself emotionally from him for a while. I don't really have good feelings for him anymore and don't think that I could ever be with him. I have cried and been upset over him too many times. I have a hard job and problems with H and he was an escape that at first made me feel good, not now. I'm tired of dealing with him and everything being all about him and what he wants.

I'm sorry that you went through a similar situation and it's good that you got out of it now. It sounds like you have a lot going for you and I hope that you are feeling better now. I thought about talking to MM about staying friends, but I don't really want to have anything more to do with him. Going dark seems to be the best thing to do. Thanks again for the advice and I hope that your NC is going well. I will look at your posts when I need support.

[lftbehind]

Well, he does care, but it doesn't mean anything. He's not leaving and neither are you. He just knows it's bad for you both and needs to end.

 

I don't know if he cares or what he thinks. I want to leave when I can afford to. He hasn't ended it with me.

[blue963]

I dont think they are in love with the partner. They are cheating to survive with what they are missing.

[blue963]

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