conversion vs starting over- any difference

[norudder]

Don't worry this is hypothetical. Still nc with exmm.

The mm perspective thread guy was talking about "conversion" rates and putting emphasis on the influence of communication status.

 

Do you think it would be easier to work through transition/conversion together or to start from scratch (even though its not really from scratch).

 

I know one is healthier.

[Josmatjes]

Ok....I have no idea what your talking about....I'm sorry. Can you explain this better? Thanks:)

[casey.lives]

I think start from scratch. If you could have done it together it would have happened on it's own. To go through transitions together you have to be strong/secure as individuals .. if you fail to do so.. it's because of the individuals.

[lemondrop21]

I think that norudder is asking, in an affair where the MM is actually leaving for the OW, would it be better/more successful for MM to transition from the previous marriage to the new relationship seamlessly, with support from AP the whole time? Or, is it better if MM is forced to leave the marriage on his own (let's say with 3-6 months of NC with the AP), then go find AP and "start from scratch"? Which scenario is more likely to allow the new relationship with AP to work out? Is this right, norudder?

 

I'd say it depends on the type of affair and MM's character, but in general, many MM would simply be too weak to leave their marriage without a soft landing in place. If OW disappears, they'll stay in the marriage. But, if OW stays around and allows them to cake-eat, then there's a 95% chance that they'll stay in the marriage anyway. It's terrible odds for OW either way.

 

I suppose the MM on the thread you were referencing would say that there may be some magical form of LC that motivates the MM to leave his marriage and lets him know that OW is still there for him, but doesn't make her SO available. However, this MM stayed in his marriage so it's all hypotheticals from him. His OW ended up walking at some stage, so conveniently, it's her fault that he stayed in his marriage. I suspect if she had never walked, it was also be her fault that he stayed; she was just too available.

[Got it]

Having done the conversion, it has its ups and downs. While my husband did not "leave for me" nor did I "leave for him", we still doubt with the aftermath of a dday, etc. as well as having spent a time broken up.

 

I really don't know, there has been a lot of trials and tribulations with the whole relationship that has required a great deal of commitment, communication, trust and work. Far more than just a "regular" relationship. Maybe a new one would have been easier but I we have seen each other go through some pretty stressful times and see how the person operates at their best and at their worst. There is insight given that may not come up for a long time in another relationship.

 

Based on my/our level of happiness in our relationship, yes it has been worth it. Again, that is countered/mired by the unhappiness of others and something that will, to some degree, go hand in hand forever.

 

But I honestly couldn't imagine loving someone more than I love him. I fall deeper in love with him every day and while I know my life would have been full even if we had stayed broken up, what he has brought to my life has been a gift. I am just so madly in love with the crazy fool.

 

I don't think the level of break absolves the "baggage" with the APs. There is still things to work through regardless. Even with someone, one still needs to work through their emotions of the ending of their previous marriage. They can ignore them but they can do that solo as well. In our case, we were both doing IC and CC in the affair so were processing things even prior to his divorce (after mine though I was doing IC during the ending of my marriage).

 

I don't know how to compare the two, you just have to make the most of the road you are going down and evaluate it for that.

[norudder]

I think that norudder is asking, in an affair where the MM is actually leaving for the OW, would it be better/more successful for MM to transition from the previous marriage to the new relationship seamlessly, with support from AP the whole time? Or, is it better if MM is forced to leave the marriage on his own (let's say with 3-6 months of NC with the AP), then go find AP and "start from scratch"? Which scenario is more likely to allow the new relationship with AP to work out? Is this right, norudder?

 

I'd say it depends on the type of affair and MM's character, but in general, many MM would simply be too weak to leave their marriage without a soft landing in place. If OW disappears, they'll stay in the marriage. But, if OW stays around and allows them to cake-eat, then there's a 95% chance that they'll stay in the marriage anyway. It's terrible odds for OW either way.

 

I suppose the MM on the thread you were referencing would say that there may be some magical form of LC that motivates the MM to leave his marriage and lets him know that OW is still there for him, but doesn't make her SO available. However, this MM stayed in his marriage so it's all hypotheticals from him. His OW ended up walking at some stage, so conveniently, it's her fault that he stayed in his marriage. I suspect if she had never walked, it was also be her fault that he stayed; she was just too available.

 

I could've been more clear, yes the bolded is what I was asking. Thanks!

[goodyblue]

We transitioned while staying together. It certainly was not a smooth transition but it could have been a helluva lot worse.

 

I think there were a couple of things that made things easier for us. One was that we had a concrete plan and timeline. We had a common goal. So we didn't fight over what was happening, we were teammates. We were also long distance at the time so there were no huge confrontations with me and his ex. My h had to deal with what was happening in the end of his marriage pretty much on his own. I was there emotionally but not physically. We also did IC and when I moved here and we dated, did CC.

 

I think this is what worked for us. It does not work for everyone. I think if I would have walked it would only have made him fight harder for me.

 

I don't think there is an easier or harder way... a better or worse way. It just depends on the couple. We kind of had both.

 

As Got It said, I would be ok without him but I would not be as happy and fulfilled as I am with him.

[cocorico]

Don't worry this is hypothetical. Still nc with exmm.

The mm perspective thread guy was talking about "conversion" rates and putting emphasis on the influence of communication status.

 

Do you think it would be easier to work through transition/conversion together or to start from scratch (even though its not really from scratch).

 

I know one is healthier.

 

I don't think you can really "start from scratch", even if you take a break, because you have a history. You cannot UN-know what you know about each other, so even if you go through the motions of "first dates" etc after a break, it's really more of a bus-stop R (on again, off again) than a "new" one, "from scratch".

 

That said, if your R has developed unhealthy dynamics (and, it seems, some As do, with the OW coming to believe she has to settle for less than she would in a different R, and the MM feeling he "ought" to keep her at arm's length to "protect" her - or himself) then a period apart and some CC can help to develop healthier dynamics, and a "restart" might help, if both parties are attune to picking up the slightest misstep/ tendency to fall back into the old patterns, sodas to build stronger, newer, healthier patterns.

 

If your R is healthy and strong anyway, why "start over"? You already have a R, it would make sense simply to transition. Which is what we did. In our case, though, there were no young kids (mine were grown, his were older teens) and no need to pretend to anyone we'd just met / just started a R, as it was out in the open anyhow (only the BW hadn't known). With added complications, however, I can see merit in people not wanting to burst onto the scene with a fully formed, mature R of some years standing - particularly in communities which might be less accepting of these things.