Day 1 - NC What worked for you? [UPDATED]

[make-this-stick]

Seems that there are a number of us NC newbies on this board suddenly. Last night was a doosey for me but I worked through it, had a good cry and read here like crazy. If he'd contacted me I'm not sure I would have held out and it made me think about all the experience you successful NCers have had. What works for you in your lowest moment? When your brain is playing games and that addiction is making you shake with craving, how do you cope?

 

This morning I'm feeling angry. Kinda like it, certainly better than the wet rag I was yesterday.

[lemondrop21]

Well, I'm not in NC right now but had one of those moments yesterday (at work, no less) and here is how I dealt with it:

 

1. Cryed in an isolated bathroom

2. Can't believe I'm admitting this, but... fantasized in said bathroom, in order to relieve that particular craving

3. Sobbed even harder, still in the bathroom (thank God no one wandered in, but I've never seen anyone in this particular bathroom!)

4. Left work at 5pm on the dot and went right to therapy at 5:30

 

The previous day, I did much the same thing except I didn't have therapy scheduled, I had tennis with my close friend. That was great as it got me moving and I was able to talk to her a bit about the situation.

 

By contrast, today when I was having one of those moments, I texted him, and told him how sad I was, and it did NOT make anything better. AT ALL. He empathized, but what is he supposed to say to make it better? He's not leaving his marriage and we both know this can't continue. It's giving him anxiety, it's making me depressed, it's awful awful awful.

 

Good for you for going NC and please stay strong.

[Blue73]

Hey- glad your doing better today. I will tell you one thing that DIDNT work for me. Taking his phone call! Back to square one today but I now am not in control.

JUST SAY NO! I cant tell you the damage that did for my healing.

If you think they are going to beg for you back because they have blown up your phone, NOPE. Not enough time has gone by for them to fully miss you. they are just missing the daily pattern or want to make themselves feel better.

 

Im coming here alot - probably not healthy, but im not obsessing over the loss. AND Ive downloaded some quotes on breaking up and healing on my phone so I look at them when Im having a "moment" of weakness.

[jwi71]

Seems that there are a number of us NC newbies on this board suddenly. Last night was a doosey for me but I worked through it, had a good cry and read here like crazy. If he'd contacted me I'm not sure I would have held out and it made me think about all the experience you successful NCers have had. What works for you in your lowest moment? When your brain is playing games and that addiction is making you shake with craving, how do you cope?

 

This morning I'm feeling angry. Kinda like it, certainly better than the wet rag I was yesterday.

 

Tell yourself that each day that person made his/her choice.

That's all you really need to know.

 

And...you could be a billionaire super-model with sexual skills and energy no woman could ever hope to possess outside of Greek legend...it wouldn't have mattered. Because it wasn't about you.

 

Future ahead, past behind....one step at a time.

[Mrin]

Go out and do something new. Have some experience that surrounds you. Like maybe a movie or a play or a concert or an outdoor market you've never been to. Anything that is new to you and your brain.

 

The brain LOVES novelty. It is drawn to it like a moth to a flame. You don't even have to enjoy the new experience. The key is to just experience it. With your brain busy processing novelty it can't spend as much time firing the neural networks of your "ex" and your old relationship. Neural networks left unused fade faster than you would think.

 

Suggestion: stay away from novelty that requires a high degree of focus from you. Such as reading. Look more for novelty that is thrust upon you. Make sure it is new though - other good candidates: yoga, some sort of exercise regime that you haven't done before, meet ups/group activities, craft/art classes, etc....

 

Best of luck!

[Satu]

Keeping a journal and writing about how I was feeling.

[LikeAFriend]

EXERCISE!! Running has been the greatest outlet for me throughout this whole "grieving" process. It has helped me tremendously to refocus my thoughts into something more meaningful and purposeful (which is ME!).

 

I highly suggest you pick a hobby or an activity that will help you refocus your energies into your mind/body/spirit. It could be as simple as walking 30 minutes a day, meditating, taking a painting a class, learning a new skill or blogging.

[Starbright78]

I have been NC for a little over a month now. There were a couple of things that are working for me. One, I put a list on my phone of all the crappy things he did and said to me. It helps to look at it when I'm having a down moment remembering the good memories. I also read posts here from other people. It helps to know im not alone and puts things in perspective.

[HappyAgain2014]

I reveled in being free. I became free of so many things....

 

*Carrying my phone around in case he called, texted, or emailed me.

*Planning my life around his.

*Living a lie and being a secret.

*Constant worrying about him and the affair being discovered.

*Feeling guilty.

*Torturing myself with what if scenarios.

*Horrible goodbyes.

*Shame.

 

I'm a realist. Reminding myself of the negatives made it so much easier to not linger on thoughts of the positives. After all, without a future, none of those so called positives were really true.

[Heatherknows]

I reveled in being free. I became free of so many things....

 

*Carrying my phone around in case he called, texted, or emailed me.

*Planning my life around his.

*Living a lie and being a secret.

*Constant worrying about him and the affair being discovered.

*Feeling guilty.

*Torturing myself with what if scenarios.

*Horrible goodbyes.

*Shame.

 

I'm a realist. Reminding myself of the negatives made it so much easier to not linger on thoughts of the positives. After all, without a future, none of those so called positives were really true.

 

Affairs of any sort online, real life, emotional etc. aren't worth it. Way more pain than pleasure. I've learned that through my own experiences and from reading these boards. If something comes my way again I'll remind myself of that. Also, my new rule is no flirting. Flirting is the gateway drug to an affair.

[make-this-stick]

These are all great! What's working for me is working out in some form each day. I get to focus on another type of pain! I've signed up for a painting class which is something new for me and I'll probably be crap at, but it will fill in some time. I've listed all the negatives of the relationship and how they made me feel (important to remember that part!).

 

What hasn't worked is going back and reading past exchanges from happier times, and getting a text from him last night. Both triggers and made me look backwards instead of forwards, which is where I need to focus for now. Maybe later I'll be able to take a look at the past and learn the lessons, but it's too early now. Also reading...anything...disaster. Have no focus and can't remember a word.

[make-this-stick]

Can't believe that 3 months after ending this relationship, the game of push me/pull you is still going on. I need to shape up and get some backbone. This man is trying to dangle me on a thread with declarations of love and "I just need to finish this deal"...followed by a couple of crumbs thrown my way. I finished it in August and have had very little contact but he still says this stuff. It makes it so hard to emotionally detach, grieve and move on. He doesn't want me, but also doesn't want me to go. Man, it hurts!

[privategal]

Sounds like your in the same boat though...you dont want him but don't want to let him go.

Each contact is like a drug...you want the ego stroke but I suspect your over him too.

[whichwayisup]

Can't believe that 3 months after ending this relationship, the game of push me/pull you is still going on. I need to shape up and get some backbone. This man is trying to dangle me on a thread with declarations of love and "I just need to finish this deal"...followed by a couple of crumbs thrown my way. I finished it in August and have had very little contact but he still says this stuff. It makes it so hard to emotionally detach, grieve and move on. He doesn't want me, but also doesn't want me to go. Man, it hurts!

 

It'll stop when YOU stop playing the game. Every time you read an email, read a text, answer the phone you are giving him the green light to keep you on that string. If you truly want him OUT of your life, to be free of the drama and pain, you have to end it. Make up your mind to block him and make it impossible for him to contact you. Why settle for the bits of table scrap he throws your way?

 

Love and respect yourself, find the courage to walk away once and for all.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

Although I never broke NC, I wanted "it" too for a long time despite accepting that "it" was over. But after a while what I wanted even more was to feel normal again. So I surrendered to the situation. Since I made an effort to do so, my emotional state has improved remarkably. I would shut down all communication channels and continue to move forward.

 

Best of luck,

OneLov

[Outofmysystem]

NC for me was initiated by MOW (I'm a MM)......it has been difficult to say the least, 6 years in the A......she said emotionally she wasn't "there" right now, she's blocked calls/texts, I've taken to my workouts and work as a distraction, driven by her work to see her car to "satisfy" the craving....but as the case with reality, it's complicated and life gives you triggers from time to time.....staying busy helps.....

[make-this-stick]

I loved this man unconditionally and when the dynamics started to change between us, I ended the A, mostly because I felt he was looking for a way out. I even explained it that way....yea, know what you're all thinking...doormat! But now when I go NC he sends a chatty text, and because I am a pleaser, I reply to it. Just which he'd have the b..ls to admit that we're done and let me get over it.

 

So, day 1 (again). Lots of leaf raking, walking with friends & planning an active week. I'm leaving the country in 10 days for a week and have no plans to tell him. Hoping that some time away from this situation will be the jump start I need.

[TunaCat]

I'm in my 8th month of NC.

 

In the first few weeks he contacted me (even though he broke up with me and initiated NC)

 

I did not answer or even READ his messages. I was not going to let him think that I was still on his hook.

 

What helps me now is realizing that he didn't want me anymore. Why on earth would I pine over someone who no longer saw a future with me?

 

He broke up with me and while I still miss him, I only want to be with someone who wants me and sees a future with me.

[ScienceGal]

I just hit 2 months.

 

In the beginning, I:

 

1. cut myself some slack. I cried and felt like garbage.

2. Avoided alcohol. I didn't want to numb out, I wanted to feel everything and process it.

3. Ran. Ran like hell, and exercised in other ways.

4. Slept more and started to feel better.

5. Reconnected with friends.

6. Allowed myself to let go of hope. I don't want to live in the past.

7. Each day is a new day to heal more and make better choices.

 

I actually saw him the other day for the first time since the split. He walked in to the place I was at, we met eyes.. I looked away and got out of there asap. It wasn't so bad. I'm better off without him. If that would've been the first week we split, I'd have lost my mind.

 

Show yourself love, time, and patience. You will get there.

[olivebranch]

Good post. I'm new to NC w/ MM.., will continue reading later, thanks.

[privategal]

I loved this man unconditionally and when the dynamics started to change between us, I ended the A, mostly because I felt he was looking for a way out. I even explained it that way....yea, know what you're all thinking...doormat! But now when I go NC he sends a chatty text, and because I am a pleaser, I reply to it. Just which he'd have the b..ls to admit that we're done and let me get over it.

 

So, day 1 (again). Lots of leaf raking, walking with friends & planning an active week. I'm leaving the country in 10 days for a week and have no plans to tell him. Hoping that some time away from this situation will be the jump start I need.

 

This painful cycle had me hooked in it for years and I think you said something very key...being a pleaser.

I swear, Id finally come to terms and get angry enough to be done...and he would send the nicest text and Id be right back to aweee see...he cares!! Ummm NO...they dont care.

I hope you can stay strong.

[Lovetoohard]

I was 1.5 months of NC which I was really proud of since we worked together but I recently reached out to him in a moment of crisis and felt awful so I had to reset the NC clock again. I'm on day 3 now and it's getting better. I also lost my job so I don't see him around the office or hear his voice in the hallway outside my office so it's easier now. Outta sight, and hopefully completely outta mind in a few weeks.

[Dylon]

What works is staying busy. The lucky ones are those that are forced into being busy or being shocked into something they can't get out of. It's hard to force ourselves to be busy at the early stage unfortunately but if you can, it's great. Then after being occupied for a length of time, our emotion settles enough for logic and reasoning. Early days are useless for trying to be reasonable it seems lol.

 

The OW and I talked about this. We broke NC many times but we shared what we tried to do. I told her, I try to avoid doing things that reminds me of her. For example, if it's Google chat, I stay away from it. If there's something we shared, I stayed away from that: certain songs, subjects, places, ect. She tries not to be home because that's when she was always with me. Coming home different time changes things. All very sad yes. Currently, I changed the things I do. Even things I used to love involved her so I need to switch to something else for now. Make everything feel new.

[Dylon]

I'm in my 8th month of NC.

 

In the first few weeks he contacted me (even though he broke up with me and initiated NC).

 

I don't know how that feels to be 8 months It's been slow? How are you doing?

[make-this-stick]

I cannot imagine being 8 months down the road. That seems like such a huge task, I'm impressed with your strength. I've got to the point where I feel like I don't know this man any more. Isn't that strange? You go from being so close in an affair, saying the same things, texting at the same time. Our joke was that we were brain twins. Now I don't recognize him. He bought a new car, and a dog...didn't tell me until after the fact. His life was moving on and I wasn't in it. Amazing that he managed to do this despite being so snowed under at work that he didn't have time for "us". That was the eye-opener for me, the "hit you straight in the face" moment. It hurts like heck, and even more so that he seems to be oblivious. In fact, he even sent me some cute photos of the puppy over the weekend. Nice. Didn't hurt at all.