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I don't know how to move on.


thebutterflyeludesme

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thebutterflyeludesme

I met a married man four months ago, I am also married. Neither of us ever intended for our relationship to turn into what it did but, alas, here I am.

 

We talked every day, met up whenever we could, and fell in love. He got caught by his wife texting me. This happened four times, each time him reaching out to me again because he didn't want to lose me and he loved me. I asked him each of those times if he would rather me not talk to him and his answer was always that he didn't want that.

 

The last time we got caught he told me he had to choose his family. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I'm just devastated. I understand his desire to choose his family over me, I really do, I just miss him so much and want to know that he is missing me or that he's hurting just as much as I am.

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Ifalltopieces

Don't be surprised when he comes wandering back. Right now he is being a good boy because wifey is on his back. Trust me, he'll be back...once the dust settles he will more than likely reach out to you.

 

Don't go back!!! I know it's hard and I know it's a HUGE blow to your self esteem. I know what it's like to lay in bed at night wondering why I'm not good enough...been there, done that got the medal and T-Shirt.

 

This is a blessing you won't understand for a while. You got out before you wasted/invested more of your time, emotions and heart.

 

Don't be like me. Don't torture yourself and don't let him weasel his way back into your life.

 

Your stronger than you think and you deserve better.

 

You have just been handed a handful of lemons...go make your lemonade :)

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I met a married man four months ago, I am also married. Neither of us ever intended for our relationship to turn into what it did but, alas, here I am.

 

We talked every day, met up whenever we could, and fell in love. He got caught by his wife texting me. .

 

Are you not a tad bit worried that the BS might contact your husband?

 

What would you do if your BH finds out?

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Butterfly...I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I doubt you will get much support here at LS. This subforum is usually populated by those that will tell you how naive you are and how evil the MM is. And, to be frank, they may all be right.

 

But I hope this helps: I am at one month today having ended my LT A with my now exGF and still, every day, my last thought before I go to sleep is of her and the first conscious feeling as I wake is the pain of having ended that relationship.

 

There is a distinct possibility that he was using you for sex and/or emotional needs. But given your level of pain, I suspect that he feels similar to you.

 

Having said that, there is little good that can come from trying to get back together. If you really feel the way you do, extricate yourself from your marriage now. Perhaps he will as well but if you can love someone other than your husband that much in that short a period of time, you owe it to yourself and your husband to get out now.

 

Best of luck and I hope it gets easier.

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I'm sorry you're in pain. I think the best thing for you right now is to try and not focus on whether he misses you or not. I know it would make you feel better emotionally and it would temporarily soothe your ego, but in the end it doesn't really matter as he chose to try and fix things with his wife. You owe it to yourself to not get hung up on this.

 

Individual counseling could benefit you. You should also attempt to figure out what to do with your own marriage, for both you and your husband's sake. Whatever you do, don't go back to this guy if and when he comes calling. You will just end up in and endless cycle and you will feel more pain than you do now. Best wishes.

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GollumsNightmare

I have been the OW and I have been the BS. I have to comment on something that bothers me a great deal on these boards...the term "wifey". That is so disrespectful and degrading. Do we really need to use that term?

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ladydesigner
I have been the OW and I have been the BS. I have to comment on something that bothers me a great deal on these boards...the term "wifey". That is so disrespectful and degrading. Do we really need to use that term?

 

I was offended by it too and I have been a MOW.

 

One day when you single ladies get married you will become the 'wifey' too ;)

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It's a hard time for you but better in the long run.

 

Your A has the potential to destroy many lives.

 

Fortunately your A was only 4 months, better than 4 years.

 

I disagree with the other poster who says you will not get support here. There are many warm hearted people here who understand and will give you good advice.

 

Please keep posting and try to focus on your marriage now.

 

My Warm Wishes,

Poppy.

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Ifalltopieces

I have never viewed the term wifey as degrading or disrespectful..to me it's like saying hubby..but forgive me if your one of those offended. Everybody's perception is different. Carry on :)

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Fortunesfool 79

Butterfly LS has helped me a lot. Take some time and read the different posts and you will see that you have dodged a bullet. Might not seem like it now through the loneliness you may feel in your marriage and the pain of missing the married guy. I wish you the best and I hope you make the best decision for you. There are so many levels of pain that you need not experience if you just walk away now.

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Snip

 

*Neither of us ever intended for our relationship to turn into what it did but, alas, here I am.

 

*You did intend it.

 

Neither of you were drugged or hypnotised, and you made lots of little decisions that made it become what it was.

 

So you have to take responsibility for the situation you are in.

 

The situation you are in is the situation you put yourself in.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but recognising that you put yourself where you are, is the very first step in *moving on.*

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
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wow... only four months of knowing each other and you're already in love??? it doesn't say in your post if you've already had sex, but if you haven't - DON'T! you'll only sink yourself deeper.

 

 

what made you go out seeking attention from someone else other than your husband? in other words, is your marriage faltering somewhere... are you unhappy? if so, diving into an affair is not the answer.

 

 

i'm wondering why this woman hasn't informed your husband- he has a right to know.

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Hi butterfly

 

Sorry to hear that you are in such pain. Well done for posting - I am emphatically of the opinion that you WILL get support here. There are some very wise, lovely people here who have been there, done that and got the t-shirt, so the advice and support that they give can be priceless, and you will get some sympathy and hugs too. Here's one now *****hug***** LS is keeping me going at the moment.

 

Sometimes an early discovery like this is a blessing in disguise, because these things almost never work out well long term without people getting hurt. Browse these boards and you will find many destroyed OW/OM, who gave years to relationships like this with nothing to show from it but a broken heart and other hurt, destroyed people in their wake. I am the MM in a situation like yours. We got busted too, but after over a year. We have therefore invested more energy and made an even deeper emotional connection. For us too, the discoveries have forced is to finish, but boy is it tough. Possibly the toughest thing I've ever done.

 

An affair can seem light and great fun at first, but they start to take more than they give eventually. As time passes, negative emotions like guilt and stress start to build up to toxic levels. You also get more needy of each other, and so make up more lies so that you can be together more and end up leading a double life, based on deceit, cheating and lies. I never would have believed what I good liar I could become. It has really shocked me. Hopefully, you hadn't quite got to that stage yet? Good if so - it's horrible.

 

And I can assure you that he will be thinking of you just as much as you do of him. I know because I'm in his shoes - he just tried to do the right thing in the end, when the discoveries threatened to destroy his family. It was exactly the same for me. I'm trying to put my kids and wife first....... but I miss OW every second. I look forward to the day when I notice that I am not thinking of her constantly, but I think it is a way off yet, and it's probably the same for your MM - he won't just forget you and move on so quickly, he will be very tortured inside. And as others have suggested, he may well not be able to stay away from you. But please, grab this by the horns and end it - if he does try to come back, please resist.

 

Without this discovery, you could have gone on for months and years and your whole life could have become consumed by it. I noticed after about 6 months that it was becoming everything to me and the double life I was leading started to cause more and more stress. Hopefully you got out just in time, before it got really out of control. You too would very likely have been discovered by H if you'd carried on and got more drawn in. My OW and I were very careful at first and never dreamed that we would get caught. But we became obsessed, got careless and were both busted eventually - causing lots of pain to several people. I know after 4 months it hurts a lot, but it would only get worse as time passed.

 

Please cut all ties now and move on, especially if either of you have children. It will be painful for a while, but you'll be glad you got out before too much damage was done. Some are suggesting that you should leave your husband anyway. But think long and hard before you do that. I know you think you are in love with your MM, but you are in the heady days of affair fog, when you are in limerence and can't really think clearly. This always dies down eventually, and sometimes what's left after that doesn't turn out to be everything you ever dreamed of after all..... The grass isn't always greener and all that! Maybe things can be OK with your H if you work on it? Perhaps you can turn this into a positive and treat it as a wakeup call?

 

I wish you nothing but the best and please keep posting.

Edited by jenkins95
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thebutterflyeludesme

Yes, we have had sex. We are four hours apart and he came to see me three times, I went to see him twice.

 

My H does not know about anything. MM's wife did attempt to contact him but I intercepted the message. She thinks that it was purely an EA and that it never turned physical(she only saw a few pictures). Both MM and his wife think that my husband knows because I told her he did to stop her from contacting him again.

 

I understand that four months seems like such a short amount of time but the feelings are no less valid and real.

 

He has children and a family that he isn't willing to lose, I don't have children but I think I would be doing the same as him if I had been the one who got caught. I just want to know that he's hurting too. I don't think it will make the situation any better but at least I'll know. You know?

 

I just don't want to feel like something that was so easily tossed to the side.

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He did toss you to the side.

You dont have to assume it was easily, but you do have to accept that its likely he really woke up when faced with the punishment of losing it all and likely even realized he loves her and sees he is wrecking her.

Also if shes monitoring all phone and internet he cant call or write but might be thinking even if he could, the gig is up...he knows your hurt, his wife is hurt, hes hurt and how can he fix it?

He knows he cant risk and cant ease it for you nor be with you so he likely feels hes gotta just try and regroup and move on and accept his reality.

He might not have the words or heart to face talking to you because men get little from admitting their pain and ducking and just blindly trying to fix her and the marriage seems the best route.

Most men who cheat dont ever wanna stop per se nor commit to forever per se. All just living in a bubble in the moment, swept up and compartmentalizing, then the bubble bursts and he chose.

Assume if hes got a soul and beating heart hes hurting too but he knows its best to walk the straight path now.

You dont have to stay stuck and analyze. It hurts real bad but you gotta crawl, then walk, then run.

Let go...start to just accept and move on.

Theyre mostly being kind to you here, I got ripped apart.

Hugs, Im real sorry for your pain.

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thebutterflyeludesme

I posted this last week and yesterday received this email from him.

 

This has been the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. My wife made it very clear that she would ruin my career and take my children away, so I had to make a decision. I was crushed. I'm also heartbroken. I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. I hate knowing that you're hurting and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I want to hold you and make everything better, but I have to do whatever it takes to repair the damage I've done to my family. I'm unwilling to lose my kids. I will never regret meeting you. I will always love you. I will always think of you.

 

 

I love you most,

XXX

 

I was beginning to move on and I think this email has only helped me. Time for me to pick up the pieces and work on fixing myself and my marriage.

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Hi butterfly,

I'm glad this email is bringing you some closure. It made me feel incredibly sad to read it, but that's because I'm projecting my situation onto yours I suppose. I'm sorry for both you and your MM and hope that this is the best resolution for both of your families. Does your H know about the affair?

 

Hang in there, sending you hugs and good wishes.

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Hi butterfly

 

Sorry to hear that you are in such pain. Well done for posting - I am emphatically of the opinion that you WILL get support here. There are some very wise, lovely people here who have been there, done that and got the t-shirt, so the advice and support that they give can be priceless, and you will get some sympathy and hugs too. Here's one now *****hug***** LS is keeping me going at the moment.

 

Sometimes an early discovery like this is a blessing in disguise, because these things almost never work out well long term without people getting hurt. Browse these boards and you will find many destroyed OW/OM, who gave years to relationships like this with nothing to show from it but a broken heart and other hurt, destroyed people in their wake. I am the MM in a situation like yours. We got busted too, but after over a year. We have therefore invested more energy and made an even deeper emotional connection. For us too, the discoveries have forced is to finish, but boy is it tough. Possibly the toughest thing I've ever done.

 

An affair can seem light and great fun at first, but they start to take more than they give eventually. As time passes, negative emotions like guilt and stress start to build up to toxic levels. You also get more needy of each other, and so make up more lies so that you can be together more and end up leading a double life, based on deceit, cheating and lies. I never would have believed what I good liar I could become. It has really shocked me. Hopefully, you hadn't quite got to that stage yet? Good if so - it's horrible.

 

And I can assure you that he will be thinking of you just as much as you do of him. I know because I'm in his shoes - he just tried to do the right thing in the end, when the discoveries threatened to destroy his family. It was exactly the same for me. I'm trying to put my kids and wife first....... but I miss OW every second. I look forward to the day when I notice that I am not thinking of her constantly, but I think it is a way off yet, and it's probably the same for your MM - he won't just forget you and move on so quickly, he will be very tortured inside. And as others have suggested, he may well not be able to stay away from you. But please, grab this by the horns and end it - if he does try to come back, please resist.

 

Without this discovery, you could have gone on for months and years and your whole life could have become consumed by it. I noticed after about 6 months that it was becoming everything to me and the double life I was leading started to cause more and more stress. Hopefully you got out just in time, before it got really out of control. You too would very likely have been discovered by H if you'd carried on and got more drawn in. My OW and I were very careful at first and never dreamed that we would get caught. But we became obsessed, got careless and were both busted eventually - causing lots of pain to several people. I know after 4 months it hurts a lot, but it would only get worse as time passed.

 

Please cut all ties now and move on, especially if either of you have children. It will be painful for a while, but you'll be glad you got out before too much damage was done. Some are suggesting that you should leave your husband anyway. But think long and hard before you do that. I know you think you are in love with your MM, but you are in the heady days of affair fog, when you are in limerence and can't really think clearly. This always dies down eventually, and sometimes what's left after that doesn't turn out to be everything you ever dreamed of after all..... The grass isn't always greener and all that! Maybe things can be OK with your H if you work on it? Perhaps you can turn this into a positive and treat it as a wakeup call?

 

I wish you nothing but the best and please keep posting.

 

 

Hi J,

 

 

I hope this comes out right because it is not an endorsement for divorce nor is it an endorsement for an A.

 

 

If a H&W who have had any kind of rocky patch, of a size that could be big enough to have one of the parties consider D, much thought should be given to that type of seismic decision. All avenues should be undertaken to address the root of the issue(s) and work as a team together to resolve. This can hopefully be achieved. Obviously minor rocky patches can be dealt with through compromise hopefully. (or other means if needed).

 

 

What I am in disagreement with here is anyone staying married to someone because of threats such as "I will ruin your career" "I will do X with your children"

 

 

Obviously WS has really cocked up his M with BS and he needs to do whatever he needs to do to fix his M IF the BS wants to and IF there is a foundation of something other than threats. I don't see how healing can happen under those conditions.

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Starbright78

I'm glad you feel like you are getting closure from it. It had to have been incredibly hard to read that. Best wishes, I hope you find happiness in your journey.

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thebutterflyeludesme
Hi butterfly,

I'm glad this email is bringing you some closure. It made me feel incredibly sad to read it, but that's because I'm projecting my situation onto yours I suppose. I'm sorry for both you and your MM and hope that this is the best resolution for both of your families. Does your H know about the affair?

 

Hang in there, sending you hugs and good wishes.

 

 

No, my H does not know.

 

Why does it make you sad to read that?

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I was beginning to move on and I think this email has only helped me. Time for me to pick up the pieces and work on fixing myself and my marriage.

 

How do you plan on fixing your M?

What did your H do to cause you to cheat?

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thebutterflyeludesme
How do you plan on fixing your M?

What did your H do to cause you to cheat?

 

We're currently going to counseling and I feel as if I can put 100% of my effort into fixing the issues we had.

 

He didn't do anything to cause me to cheat. That lies on my shoulders alone. It's not fair to blame him for my actions. I wasn't happy and didn't communicate that with my husband and I made a mistake.

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We're currently going to counseling and I feel as if I can put 100% of my effort into fixing the issues we had.

 

That's a GREAT start.

 

He didn't do anything to cause me to cheat. That lies on my shoulders alone. It's not fair to blame him for my actions. I wasn't happy and didn't communicate that with my husband and I made a mistake.

 

Is it a breach of etiquette to say I could kiss you for that on an A website with both us being M?

 

I hoped you would say that or something similar.

 

The only advice I will give you is: no more lies. Not even white ones for the short term. In time, you'll find your way back to happy.

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thebutterflyeludesme
That's a GREAT start.

 

 

 

Is it a breach of etiquette to say I could kiss you for that on an A website with both us being M?

 

I hoped you would say that or something similar.

 

The only advice I will give you is: no more lies. Not even white ones for the short term. In time, you'll find your way back to happy.

 

Thank you. I have good days and bad days. It's hard to not talk to someone you love and who loves you. I wanted to know that I actually meant something to him so his email has answered that question and that made me happy, however it also reads as a farewell and it hurts to know he still has these feeling yet we have to say goodbye.

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I think this is the best kind of goodbye from a MM that an OW can hope for. At least it was nice and he seemed genuine.

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