The part that loneliness plays in affairs

[Popsicle]

Was watching the movie called "Revenge" and this single, seemingly eligible bachelor falls in love with his old friends wife. It seemed instantaneous, rather than gradual, like how people fall into A's by being friends first. The attraction was immediate. I know this is a fictional movie but it made me think about why a single man (or woman) would be so attracted to a taken woman (or man), so much so that they can't, or rather, don't resist them. In the movie, it wasn't stressed but the guy seemed lonely, as in lonely for a woman. I think loneliness is mostly the reason why a lot of single OW/OM find themselves instantly drawn to a married person. They should have the same feeling for a single person. What do you think?

[lovinDKT3]

Was watching the movie called "Revenge" and this single, seemingly eligible bachelor falls in love with his old friends wife. It seemed instantaneous, rather than gradual, like how people fall into A's by being friends first. The attraction was immediate. I know this is a fictional movie but it made me think about why a single man (or woman) would be so attracted to a taken woman (or man), so much so that they can't, or rather, don't resist them. In the movie, it wasn't stressed but the guy seemed lonely, as in lonely for a woman. I think loneliness is mostly the reason why a lot of single OW/OM find themselves instantly drawn to a married person. They should have the same feeling for a single person. What do you think?

 

I think in those cases it can be because the married person represents what the single person is looking for. IE looking for comittment or being a parent. Maybe because the married person represents stability. All the things that someone married has shown they have.

 

Then sometimes it's just pure physical attraction which I believe was the case in that movie, Kevin Costner?

[Popsicle]

I think in those cases it can be because the married person represents what the single person is looking for. IE looking for comittment or being a parent. Maybe because the married person represents stability. All the things that someone married has shown they have.

 

I don't think so. I was married before. It's not something I've never experienced before and craving for that experience.

 

Then sometimes it's just pure physical attraction which I believe was the case in that movie, Kevin Costner?

 

I think many relationships, even marriages, start at a place of physical attraction, and it grows into love over time with the right ingredients. Obviously, in the movie, it was ended and not possible because of the circumstances.

[Hope Shimmers]

Was watching the movie called "Revenge" and this single, seemingly eligible bachelor falls in love with his old friends wife. It seemed instantaneous, rather than gradual, like how people fall into A's by being friends first. The attraction was immediate. I know this is a fictional movie but it made me think about why a single man (or woman) would be so attracted to a taken woman (or man), so much so that they can't, or rather, don't resist them. In the movie, it wasn't stressed but the guy seemed lonely, as in lonely for a woman. I think loneliness is mostly the reason why a lot of single OW/OM find themselves instantly drawn to a married person. They should have the same feeling for a single person. What do you think?

 

I personally didn't find myself "instantly drawn" to men who were married or committed. It was about the person and who they were.

 

I think single people get lonely but I am not sure how that would lead them to seek out married people specifically. I had plenty of opportunities with single people - just not the right people.

[Popsicle]

I personally didn't find myself "instantly drawn" to men who were married or committed. It was about the person and who they were.

 

I think single people get lonely but I am not sure how that would lead them to seek out married people specifically. I had plenty of opportunities with single people - just not the right people.

 

Although, I know a few do, I don't think most seek out married people specifically. At least I didn't/don't. I greatly disliked that he was married.

[Iron Bubba]

I often get attracted to a woman then i find out she's with a guy.

 

I am an ethical guy and will not try to break that up.

 

But is is very disappointing when I do find out.

 

Especially since it happens over and over and over and over again, ad infinitum.

 

Insanity is the repeating of something over and over again and expecting a different result.

[Saba]

I think loneliness is mostly the reason why a lot of single OW/OM find themselves instantly drawn to a married person. They should have the same feeling for a single person. What do you think?

 

I think single OW/OM get swept away because married people have to woo their APs more than a single person would be inclined to.

[Arieswoman]

Popsicle,

I'm not sure that loneliness is a factor TBH.

 

I think lovingdkt3 nails it here ;

 

I think in those cases it can be because the married person represents what the single person is looking for. IE looking for comittment or being a parent. Maybe because the married person represents stability. All the things that someone married has shown they have.

 

but there is a dichotomy here. The single person can't see or chooses to ignore the fact that the married person is actually breaking the comittment they already have. Which is one very important reason not to get involved with them.

 

The 5 girls I know that had affairs with married men gave the reason "he approached me" ( !! ) which of course isn't a reason, just a statement of fact. This shows me that they were unaware of their own motivations.

 

All bar two were career women with plenty of friends/interests etc ( the other were married with kids) so, as I said, I don't think loneliness was a reason in these cases.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle,

I'm not sure that loneliness is a factor TBH.

 

I think lovingdkt3 nails it here ;

 

 

 

but there is a dichotomy here. The single person can't see or chooses to ignore the fact that the married person is actually breaking the comittment they already have. Which is one very important reason not to get involved with them.

 

The 5 girls I know that had affairs with married men gave the reason "he approached me" ( !! ) which of course isn't a reason, just a statement of fact. This shows me that they were unaware of their own motivations.

 

All bar two were career women with plenty of friends/interests etc ( the other were married with kids) so, as I said, I don't think loneliness was a reason in these cases.

 

 

Work, friends and interests are not the same as or a replacement for a relationship with a man...

 

And I can't speak for those other women you mentioned, but I already addressed lovinDKT3's comment.

[Arieswoman]

Hmmm,

Popsicle, it depends what you mean by "loneliness".

 

Some of the loneliest times of my life where when I was in my first marriage.

 

When I was divorced and actually physically alone I didn't feel lonely most of the time.

 

Personally, I think that the reasons for affairs are the same as the reasons for committing a murder - means, motive and opportunity.

[Popsicle]

Hmmm,

Popsicle, it depends what you mean by "loneliness".

 

Some of the loneliest times of my life where when I was in my first marriage.

 

When I was divorced and actually physically alone I didn't feel lonely most of the time.

 

Personally, I think that the reasons for affairs are the same as the reasons for committing a murder, means, motive and opportunity.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about married people in this thread.

[Poppy47]

I had been may late husband's carer for 7 years.

 

When I met MM I was painfully lonely and unaware of the needs I had ignored for so long. It was a big factor in being attracted to him.

 

I had been married for longer than most of you have been on earth. It totally swept me away to meet this man who paid me so much attention.

 

Poppy.

[Dela]

I was single when i met my exMM. But i was single and feeling good about it (6-7months single) because i was working so much at myself, learning how to be happy witout a man around. And i was happy.

I wasn t attracted to MM because he was married. It was instant attraction. We looked at each other for few hours but i disn t see his wedding ring since he was a few tables away from mine.

But i was on a point in my life when i was ready for a relationship, normal one, serious one etc. I was ready. But yet i liked him so much (not just physically) and i said what the hell.

I wasn t feeling lonely, maybe i was pisseed that my prince charming wouldn t show up (lol).

[Popsicle]

I think it's important to be able to identify when you're lonely.

[SammySammy]

I had been may late husband's carer for 7 years.

 

When I met MM I was painfully lonely and unaware of the needs I had ignored for so long. It was a big factor in being attracted to him.

 

I had been married for longer than most of you have been on earth. It totally swept me away to meet this man who paid me so much attention.

Poppy.

 

It's flattering for a single man also. To be so desired and wanted by a woman is a refreshing experience for a man. Then you hear the stories about how the husband is so bad - doesn't care, bad in bed, blah, blah, blah - the white knight syndrome kicks in and here goes dumb arse to "save the day".

 

I think being desired is a more powerful factor than being lonely. We all want to be wanted. Want to be loved.

[Popsicle]

I think being desired is a more powerful factor than being lonely. We all want to be wanted. Want to be loved.

 

Of course, but that's what makes you feel lonely.

 

And no married person can desire you more than another single person. (the right one obviously)

[SammySammy]

Of course, but that's what makes you feel lonely.

 

Nah. I was far from lonely. One woman just stood out more than others. Went the extra mile ... and then some.

[Popsicle]

The word "lonely" seems to scare people...

[NewLeaf512]

Was watching the movie called "Revenge" and this single, seemingly eligible bachelor falls in love with his old friends wife. It seemed instantaneous, rather than gradual, like how people fall into A's by being friends first. The attraction was immediate. I know this is a fictional movie but it made me think about why a single man (or woman) would be so attracted to a taken woman (or man), so much so that they can't, or rather, don't resist them. In the movie, it wasn't stressed but the guy seemed lonely, as in lonely for a woman. I think loneliness is mostly the reason why a lot of single OW/OM find themselves instantly drawn to a married person. They should have the same feeling for a single person. What do you think?

 

 

I agree with you completely. The paradoxical position of that is with M AP. I think they do it because they are being smothered/ too much is asked of them at home and instead of good old fashioned communication with their S, the AP seeks a scenario that feels light, full of fun, sex and no "responsibilities"

[NewLeaf512]

The word "lonely" seems to scare people...

 

 

 

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely I think. Do you agree?

[Popsicle]

I agree with you completely. The paradoxical position of that is with M AP. I think they do it because they are being smothered/ too much is asked of them at home and instead of good old fashioned communication with their S, the AP seeks a scenario that feels light, full of fun, sex and no "responsibilities"

 

Ahh, good catch, yes, that's true in many cases. The MP wants the exact opposite! lol Something light, fun, ethereal and distinctly lacking the heaviness of responsibility.

 

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely I think. Do you agree?

 

Absolutely.

[SammySammy]

Of course, but that's what makes you feel lonely.

 

And no married person can desire you more than another single person. (the right one obviously)

 

It's not just the desire, but the expression of the desire. Single women tend to sit back and let a man pursue them. A married woman who knows what she wants ... sometimes goes to get it. Different mindset.

[Popsicle]

It's not just the desire, but the expression of the desire. Single women tend to sit back and let a man pursue them. A married woman who knows what she wants ... sometimes goes to get it. Different mindset.

 

I could say the same exact thing about single men, but I won't, because I don't think it's healthy to believe that's true. Married women don't corner the market on knowing what they want and going after it. I believe there is a section of people who are confident enough to pursue and they belong to both the single group and the married group of people. There is also a section of people who are not confident enough to pursue and they also belong to both in the single group and the married group of people. (To bring the latter into focus for you, these would be married women who desire you but DON'T go after you because they lack confidence). You just haven't met the (right) single women who will chase you fervently yet.

Edited August 1, 2015 by Popsicle

[SammySammy]

I could say the same exact thing about single men, but I won't, because I don't think it's healthy to believe that's true. Married women don't corner the market on knowing what they want and going after it. I believe there is a section of people who are confident enough to pursue and they belong to both in the single group and the married group of people. There is also a section of people who are not confident enough to pursue and they also belong to both in the single group and the married group of people. (To bring the latter into focus for you, these would be married women who desire you but DON'T go after you because they lack confidence)

 

I can agree with that.

 

One woman knowing that her husband is lacking in bed, but knows her ex-boyfriend is "a freak" (in her words) is a specific situation. Doesn't apply to all married women. Or to all single men.

 

I was just making the point that the married partner or single partner may not be lonely. They could both have people and activities in their lives, but still be ... wanting ... something.

[Popsicle]

I can agree with that.

 

One woman knowing that her husband is lacking in bed, but knows her ex-boyfriend is "a freak" (in her words) is a specific situation. Doesn't apply to all married women. Or to all single men.

 

I was just making the point that the married partner or single partner may not be lonely. They could both have plenty people and activities in their lives, but still be ... wanting ... something.

 

Okay, but lonely is not the same as loser.

 

Have you ever seen the movie "Heat" with Robert DeNiro? There is a scene in it where he is single and meets a single lady and they get to talking. She asked him if he gets lonely, he looked uncomfortable and said "I am alone but I am not lonely". Then he asked her, what about you, do you get lonely, she said "Yes...real lonely". That was exactly what he wanted to hear and he kissed her. Funny.