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I'm a former mow. I've divorced. Just wondering if there are others who divorced during/post affair or found themselves being an ow long after a previous marriage.

 

If we ourselves have been through divorce shouldnt we understand how difficult that decision is? That even if we had feelings for someone else its something that can't really be rushed if its going to be done for the right reasons and done with certainty?

 

That's why I think the best advice given to ow on here is to back away. Because if you really love the person and also want a real R with them, to have a healthier start the married person should be given space to figure out their real reasons for the affair and what they need to do. Because let's not kid ourselves, despite the feelings we are just a symptom of other issues and those need to be resolved first.

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lookingforclosure

I was separated when my relationship with xMM turned from EA to PA.

 

I have been divorced almost two years now, my xMM kept stalling with his end. Saying he wanted a life with me but couldn't figure things out, and not wanting to leave his children.

 

I have had no choice but to back away. His wife moved out and now he's decided he loves her and wants his family back. So even when he was given the opportunity he still didn't choose me.

 

I don't regret my divorce...and my exH and I are still friends, i'm even friendly with his fiance. We just weren't right as husband and wife.

 

I thought I had found something rare in AP...but it just seems to be the same old story here on LS. They want you until their world falls apart and then all they can think about is salvaging their family and leave you behind

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I was separated when my relationship with xMM turned from EA to PA.

 

I have been divorced almost two years now, my xMM kept stalling with his end. Saying he wanted a life with me but couldn't figure things out, and not wanting to leave his children.

 

I have had no choice but to back away. His wife moved out and now he's decided he loves her and wants his family back. So even when he was given the opportunity he still didn't choose me.

 

I don't regret my divorce...and my exH and I are still friends, i'm even friendly with his fiance. We just weren't right as husband and wife.

 

I thought I had found something rare in AP...but it just seems to be the same old story here on LS. They want you until their world falls apart and then all they can think about is salvaging their family and leave you behind

 

I guess my point is that its never about choosing the other woman or not. Its about being ready to divorce or not. You wouldn't really want him to end his M for you, he should end it for him and grieve it or there will be resentment etc. I think men are rarely ready. Even men who never cheat, but are unhappy, would rather endure than initiate divorce.

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I'm a former mow. I've divorced. Just wondering if there are others who divorced during/post affair or found themselves being an ow long after a previous marriage.

 

If we ourselves have been through divorce shouldnt we understand how difficult that decision is? That even if we had feelings for someone else its something that can't really be rushed if its going to be done for the right reasons and done with certainty?

 

That's why I think the best advice given to ow on here is to back away. Because if you really love the person and also want a real R with them, to have a healthier start the married person should be given space to figure out their real reasons for the affair and what they need to do. Because let's not kid ourselves, despite the feelings we are just a symptom of other issues and those need to be resolved first.

 

Totally agree!

 

I started my affair while I was married. I knew that it was over between me and my exH for a long time before the actual separation/divorce.

 

I still have trouble figuring out why it took so long to actually leave my H.

 

I'm still "seeing" MM once in a while, but I've somehow found a way to keep myself not depressed and n not anxious anymore. It's like a switch went off in my brain and I am able to disconnect now and be able to keep myself distant while still seeing him. Kinda weird.

 

I just don't want to push him to do something he might regret! He is going to C alone and wrapping his head around the whole thing now. I have a feeling we are going to be together, and it's just a matter of time! But then again, I know there's a chance that it won't happen because we are so "textbook affair" and I know that I'll be fine if that happens!

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I guess my point is that its never about choosing the other woman or not. Its about being ready to divorce or not. You wouldn't really want him to end his M for you, he should end it for him and grieve it or there will be resentment etc. I think men are rarely ready. Even men who never cheat, but are unhappy, would rather endure than initiate divorce.

 

This is why I have my doubts about him leaving his W. He says that he was happy before he met me. Which is why sometimes I just feel like backing out of this....makes me think that if I pulled myself out of the equation, he would be happy again!

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usernametaken

My relationship with my boyfriend started when we were both married and carried on for several years. I divorced about a year before he did for reasons unrelated to the affair.

 

I think that the dynamic certainly changed then - I was no longer willing to be in an affair where the power balance was unequal. I started dating. There were a lot of fits and starts, but eventually he left for good and divorced.

 

I think it was harder for him to leave because she very much wanted to save the marriage and she was aware of the affair, so it was hard to pretend the divorce wasn't about that. And it wasn't entirely - though it wasn't a terrible marriage, either. I think there was a lot of guilt, too, and a lot of desire on his part to minimize the hurt he had caused her and their daughter.

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usernametaken
I'm a former mow. I've divorced. Just wondering if there are others who divorced during/post affair or found themselves being an ow long after a previous marriage.

 

If we ourselves have been through divorce shouldnt we understand how difficult that decision is? That even if we had feelings for someone else its something that can't really be rushed if its going to be done for the right reasons and done with certainty?

 

That's why I think the best advice given to ow on here is to back away. Because if you really love the person and also want a real R with them, to have a healthier start the married person should be given space to figure out their real reasons for the affair and what they need to do. Because let's not kid ourselves, despite the feelings we are just a symptom of other issues and those need to be resolved first.

 

 

And I agree that backing away is always a good idea. I fought like hell to get away after my divorce - I dated and made it clear that I wasn't going to be involved with (formerly) MM unless he divorced, but that I didn't want him doing that just to be with me. He had to do it because he couldn't see staying married to her anymore.

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I think watching the woman you profess to love become single should be a reality check for them, but it often just doesn't click with them.

 

I mean, reverse it. I can't imagine watching my mm divorce, become single, and wait around alone, not even dating, just waiting for the two or three hours I could spare here and there before i left him to rush home to my stale status quo.

 

I cannot imagine that. And yet, we women let ourselves be put in this position over and over. Divorcing, becoming single, and then sitting on the sidelines watching them waffle. No rudder, your post is very understanding, but I swear, I'm starting to realize that men would just never ever do the things we do for them.

 

My mm has had me sidelined for almost fifteen months. Granted, I was pregnant til fall, but since then I have given him space and let him take his time, because I wanted him to be "comfortable."

 

Give me a break. My mm, alone fifteen months divorced, waiting on my crumbs, being faithful to me? Spending his nights alone, because of his love for me? Forsaking all other women, because I'm such a goddess?

 

Riiight.

 

Dude would have a turnstile on his Bachelor pad bedroom door in no time, getting back at me for my timeline moving and my waffling, my dumping him at his car after sex so he could rush home to make spouse curfew. He'd be getting screened for a magna Carta long list of stds by turkey day. I'd bet dollars to donuts.

 

We women wait. Exude compassion and understanding. Stay faithful to them. Hearts and butterflies and bull---t.

 

If a man cherishes a woman and truly wants to be with her, he doesn't leave her in such a predicament. He doesn't let her feel like she's fifth in line. Like she's worthless.

 

My two cents.

 

Which is expensive. Because after leaving my marriage for this silver tongued word wizard, I only have four.

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lookingforclosure
I think watching the woman you profess to love become single should be a reality check for them, but it often just doesn't click with them.

 

I mean, reverse it. I can't imagine watching my mm divorce, become single, and wait around alone, not even dating, just waiting for the two or three hours I could spare here and there before i left him to rush home to my stale status quo.

 

I cannot imagine that. And yet, we women let ourselves be put in this position over and over. Divorcing, becoming single, and then sitting on the sidelines watching them waffle. No rudder, your post is very understanding, but I swear, I'm starting to realize that men would just never ever do the things we do for them.

 

My mm has had me sidelined for almost fifteen months. Granted, I was pregnant til fall, but since then I have given him space and let him take his time, because I wanted him to be "comfortable."

 

Give me a break. My mm, alone fifteen months divorced, waiting on my crumbs, being faithful to me? Spending his nights alone, because of his love for me? Forsaking all other women, because I'm such a goddess?

 

Riiight.

 

Dude would have a turnstile on his Bachelor pad bedroom door in no time, getting back at me for my timeline moving and my waffling, my dumping him at his car after sex so he could rush home to make spouse curfew. He'd be getting screened for a magna Carta long list of stds by turkey day. I'd bet dollars to donuts.

 

We women wait. Exude compassion and understanding. Stay faithful to them. Hearts and butterflies and bull---t.

 

If a man cherishes a woman and truly wants to be with her, he doesn't leave her in such a predicament. He doesn't let her feel like she's fifth in line. Like she's worthless.

 

My two cents.

 

Which is expensive. Because after leaving my marriage for this silver tongued word wizard, I only have four.

 

You are dead on Kiera...I've been divorced almost 2 years (2yrs Dec) I have sat on the sidelines all this time waiting, waiting, and waiting. Believing every line he gave as to why things weren't lining up quicker.

 

For what??? I passed up two really nice men in that time frame...men I could've had 100% of, not crumbs here and there.

 

Now that the W has moved out, he has basically cut me off with a coded text and is professing his love to her and NOW wants counseling and things to work...wants the family back together by the end of the year. But gave me a glimmer of hope in his last text "just in case" he can't con her like he has me. Boy they are right when they say love is blind

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I think what's missing is more often then not MM never had intentions to leave his marriage. Most often they high tail it when MW becomes single.

 

I think it really odd that the sentiment here seems to be I want him to leave but not for me, however I'm going to withdraw until he leaves. So what is really going on is forcing MM to walk away if he wants you. This totally changes the dynamic and often spooks MM right back into his marriage. Logic vs emotion

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I think what's missing is more often then not MM never had intentions to leave his marriage. Most often they high tail it when MW becomes single.

 

I think it really odd that the sentiment here seems to be I want him to leave but not for me, however I'm going to withdraw until he leaves. So what is really going on is forcing MM to walk away if he wants you. This totally changes the dynamic and often spooks MM right back into his marriage. Logic vs emotion

 

I don't think its that "I want him to leave but not for me however I'm going to walk away". Its "I want him to leave but not for me THEREFORE I'm going to walk away."

 

So that in a way yes, he's spooked back into his marriage and if he then leaves it will be (mostly) because its what he wants to do. Its just that most go back to the M and stay there.

 

We want two things to be true

1. Hes realized his marriage is over and he's ready to leave even if it weren't to be with us

2. He wants to be with us

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I don't think its that "I want him to leave but not for me however I'm going to walk away". Its "I want him to leave but not for me THEREFORE I'm going to walk away."

 

So that in a way yes, he's spooked back into his marriage and if he then leaves it will be (mostly) because its what he wants to do. Its just that most go back to the M and stay there.

 

We want two things to be true

1. Hes realized his marriage is over and he's ready to leave even if it weren't to be with us

2. He wants to be with us

 

I understand what you meant, its just odd don't you think?

 

The thing is MM normally want to be "with" the OW/MOW or else they wouldn't be in the affair. Its logic vs emotion, men are more logical when it comes to love and relationship while women more often act on emotions.

 

Status quo is what men tend to want, its working for him. And if we are 100% honest men get f*&ked in divorce. Weekend dad, paying for a house he doesn't live in, while very little changes for the woman. So more often the goal is to maintain both his stable marriage and excitement of OW/MOW on the side. I'm sure many women here will disagree but divorce looks different for men, thus most divorces are file by women (upwards of 80%).

 

Call it being a coward if you like, but the view is different when you have a penis.

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I understand what you meant, its just odd don't you think?

 

The thing is MM normally want to be "with" the OW/MOW or else they wouldn't be in the affair. Its logic vs emotion, men are more logical when it comes to love and relationship while women more often act on emotions.

 

Status quo is what men tend to want, its working for him. And if we are 100% honest men get f*&ked in divorce. Weekend dad, paying for a house he doesn't live in, while very little changes for the woman. So more often the goal is to maintain both his stable marriage and excitement of OW/MOW on the side. I'm sure many women here will disagree but divorce looks different for men, thus most divorces are file by women (upwards of 80%).

 

Call it being a coward if you like, but the view is different when you have a penis.

 

I do understand the oddity that of course he wouldn't be in the affair if he didn't want to be with us and that what he wants is both while women usually want one. Its mostly logic but some emotion or he wouldn't need the affair. Separating the two is living outside of his emotional integrity. Because women are more emotions based I think that's why we force the issue sooner.

 

As far as men getting screwed in divorce I think that's highly situational. Equitable custody can be agreed to and two employed adults should be able to support themselves. In the case of my mm his w makes more than him and does not need his income to sustain her lifestyle. He's not worried about getting screwed, IMO he's worried about losing his creature comforts.

 

Shallow and cowardly to me, yes, but that's his right.

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Grapesofwrath

I am an OW years after getting divorced. I agree, and have stated on these boards in the past, that getting divorced is excruciating, especially with kids in the mix. Someone goes through that only if they are so deeply miserable in the marriage that life has become untenable. As bad as my marriage was, I still wasn't the one who initiated divorce because I didn't want to be separated from my kids. I was willing to suck it up for 14 more years, until they finished high school, in order for them to avoid the fate of having divorced parents, which is what I had. My exH had other ideas, though, and he served me with papers. I'm grateful that he had the courage, because I didn't.

 

If you add the financial devastation that can result from divorce, typically more true for men but not always, it really only makes sense to go through with it if you are deeply miserable and can't take it anymore. I have had this conversation many times with MM, and this is partly why I have never asked him to leave his marriage. He is not actively unhappy. He may be bored. He may be entitled. He may be a cake-eater. He may be in denial about the amount of pretending he has to do in order to meet his wife's standards for behavior. But he is not miserable. As he once said to me, "I don't hate her." And to divorce someone, I think you need to have some hate.

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I'm a former mow. I've divorced. Just wondering if there are others who divorced during/post affair or found themselves being an ow long after a previous marriage.

 

If we ourselves have been through divorce shouldnt we understand how difficult that decision is? That even if we had feelings for someone else its something that can't really be rushed if its going to be done for the right reasons and done with certainty?

 

That's why I think the best advice given to ow on here is to back away. Because if you really love the person and also want a real R with them, to have a healthier start the married person should be given space to figure out their real reasons for the affair and what they need to do. Because let's not kid ourselves, despite the feelings we are just a symptom of other issues and those need to be resolved first.

 

 

I agree with this. My exMM used to tell me this. I always told him that if he wants to do something, don t do it for me. Sometimes I felt like I m on his way. He was confused when I was around. I knew I m ****ing his right judgement.

Yes, they need to know they r doing it for the right reasons.

I m sure no OW wants to be hated after, being told that " u ****ed my life, marriage and so on"

It s the best choice to back away. This way they can see things clear. This way if they do something u can start again as a Gf not OW.

This way u re not there to see the drama and pain they go thru. And u re not there as his question mark every time: am I doing this for u?

So, if we leave and they do something and come back... Well, that s the dream.

Hugs

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GorillaTheater

On an intellectual level, I see a lot of women obviously smart enough to know that they're far too valuable to put up with what they're putting up with.

 

Sincerely and respectfully, I hope their hearts come to the same realization.

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Hope Shimmers
And if we are 100% honest men get f*&ked in divorce. Weekend dad, paying for a house he doesn't live in, while very little changes for the woman. So more often the goal is to maintain both his stable marriage and excitement of OW/MOW on the side. I'm sure many women here will disagree but divorce looks different for men, thus most divorces are file by women (upwards of 80%).

 

Call it being a coward if you like, but the view is different when you have a penis.

 

Yes, it's being a coward. I'll call it.

 

I'll be one of the women here who will "disagree". Divorce looked a hell of a lot better for my ex than it did for me. He isn't paying for my house. Everything was split down the middle; he bought me out of the equity on our house, and I bought my own house with my own money. We both had 6-figure incomes and we ended up with 50-50 joint physical custody, but somehow I was the one paying HIM child support. Yeah, having a penis didn't harm him in the least.

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Hope Shimmers
I'm a former mow. I've divorced. Just wondering if there are others who divorced during/post affair or found themselves being an ow long after a previous marriage.

 

If we ourselves have been through divorce shouldnt we understand how difficult that decision is? That even if we had feelings for someone else its something that can't really be rushed if its going to be done for the right reasons and done with certainty?

 

That's why I think the best advice given to ow on here is to back away. Because if you really love the person and also want a real R with them, to have a healthier start the married person should be given space to figure out their real reasons for the affair and what they need to do. Because let's not kid ourselves, despite the feelings we are just a symptom of other issues and those need to be resolved first.

 

Yes I divorced before becoming an OW.

 

This is all very academic, but most of us are here because we didn't listen to our heads.

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still_an_Angel
I understand what you meant, its just odd don't you think?

 

The thing is MM normally want to be "with" the OW/MOW or else they wouldn't be in the affair. Its logic vs emotion, men are more logical when it comes to love and relationship while women more often act on emotions.

 

Status quo is what men tend to want, its working for him. And if we are 100% honest men get f*&ked in divorce. Weekend dad, paying for a house he doesn't live in, while very little changes for the woman. So more often the goal is to maintain both his stable marriage and excitement of OW/MOW on the side. I'm sure many women here will disagree but divorce looks different for men, thus most divorces are file by women (upwards of 80%).

 

Call it being a coward if you like, but the view is different when you have a penis.

 

 

 

I disagree, when my stbxh buggered off to Australia I was left holding 3 children, the youngest at 2 years old, a full mortgage, debts to my ears and just my full time job to support all of us. Granted I had always made more money than him, yeah, not much changed since I still had the house and all the kids. But going solo with everything, it was MY LIFE that changed so much while he lived the single life with no obligations. :mad:

 

 

The view is very much different from where I'm standing regarding someone having a penis.

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MyNameIsNotSusan

As soon as I told MM about my separation, things changed between us almost instantaneously. He denied it vehemently saying it had nothing to do with me becoming single. But he started to use the word pressure a lot even though nothing on my end changed. I got the feeling he was imagining me putting pressure on him to get available. I admit I would have liked to see him more as I would have had more time, but I'm not one to press and my separation was happening regardless of relationship with MM.

 

Ideally, I would have been very content with just seeing MM when he was available, because I like my privacy and alone time, and after coming out of a very controlling M, I had no desire to be in a relationship where I would be held accountable for anything. I very much wanted to be on my own and that is right where I am.

 

MM spends a lot of time away from his W, and I do believe his marriage isn't great and I also believe he is disappointed. But, it's been too long hearing the same excuses about how he's going to serve her with papers only to hear they are going to this wedding or that party. The woman still makes him breakfast, lunch and dinner every single day. If things were even remotely tense between them, I don't think she would be so attentive.

 

No matter, I'm living my life for me and he has very little to do with my happiness anymore.

 

If you can get out there and start dating, even if its just to make some male friends, I recommend it. Lonliness is the devil when it comes to affairs. Stay busy and do the things you love. Make your own sunshine.

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Grapesofwrath

Status quo is what men tend to want, its working for him. And if we are 100% honest men get f*&ked in divorce. Weekend dad, paying for a house he doesn't live in, while very little changes for the woman. So more often the goal is to maintain both his stable marriage and excitement of OW/MOW on the side. I'm sure many women here will disagree but divorce looks different for men, thus most divorces are file by women (upwards of 80%).

 

Call it being a coward if you like, but the view is different when you have a penis.

 

Then I guess my friends and I have penises! Not sure where you get that 80% statistic from. He served me. (Glad he did, by the way.) My experience was that my ex-H bankrupted our family causing the loss of our home and the total destruction of my financial world. He extorted money from my family, and I was required to pay him spousal support. He gets 50% custody, despite having shown little interest in caring for the children while we were married. This scenario, or one similar, has been the case for several women I know. Maybe it's because of the laws where we live, but it's pretty common around here.

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I'm a former mow. I've divorced. Just wondering if there are others who divorced during/post affair or found themselves being an ow long after a previous marriage.

 

If we ourselves have been through divorce shouldnt we understand how difficult that decision is? That even if we had feelings for someone else its something that can't really be rushed if its going to be done for the right reasons and done with certainty?

 

I was an OW long after a previous marriage.

 

And, actually, I found my decision to divorce, and the divorce itself, very easy. But then, I lived in a country where all divorce is no fault, and as easy as getting M. Literally a couple of days from start to finish, unless there are complicating issues. (I had small kids, but it was straightforward.)

 

My fMM (now H) wasn't so lucky. In his country, "quicky" divorce is allowed only in cases of "fault" - for reasons of adultery or "unreasonable behaviour", and even then it took a year. No fault divorce requires a minimum of two years (if uncontested) or five if contested. The state really conspires to keep people together against their will.

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