The whole truth

[Ifalltopieces]

What are your thoughts of the AP spouse?

Do you have any thoughts?

 

I've seen several OW claim they feel sorry for the spouse.

 

Do you?

 

I wanna hear what you think of the spouse of your AP. No hold barred and no judgement.

[Dela]

Well, ignorance is bliss in my case. she has no idea what happened.

I don t know her but i don t pity her or hate her or anything. I just know that right now she s sleeping in the same bed with the man i love... and here i am, can t sleep at all...

[Nolagirl1214]

I don't know her, nor do I want to know her.

 

Hope that doesn't sound bad - I don't mean it in a hateful way! I just think that would make things a lot harder than they already are.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Nolagirl1214
Added in second sentence

[Ifalltopieces]

Well, ignorance is bliss in my case. she has no idea what happened.

I don t know her but i don t pity her or hate her or anything. I just know that right now she s sleeping in the same bed with the man i love... and here i am, can t sleep at all...

 

Ignorance really is bliss. But remind yourself; you keep your self respect and dignity. She gets a liar and a cheater. You win.

[LovelyBrown]

I don't like her, she doesn't take good care of him (I know how that sounds) but she really doesn't look out for his well being at all. Today he told me she was afraid of me? As in she doesn't want to run into me? How odd. Anyways, I have seen her in action and she's a bit crazy. Good luck to him!

[Ifalltopieces]

I don't know her, nor do I want to know her.

 

Hope that doesn't sound bad - I don't mean it in a hateful way! I just think that would make things a lot harder than they already are.

 

I don't want to know my AP spouse either.

 

I often think of how she stands in the way of my happiness. Then I remind myself that he is a lying, calculated jerk....her staying with him, is actually sparing my heart any more heartbreak.

 

She can have him. He is no prize.

[Grapesofwrath]

Good question. I am very curious what she's like, but I don't know her. Mostly, I feel bad for her and what I'm doing to her. I don't know how she can be so completely unaware, but that's not my business. Maybe it's denial, or a simple desire not to look too closely at things. I think she has it pretty good. SAHM, nice cushy life. I also have gathered that she is judgmental, pious and pretty uptight. MM is not the only one in the family who keeps secrets from her because they feel she won't understand. She is a bit holier than thou. She "does not condone" a lot of things. So people just do them behind her back.

 

Of course this is all based only on what I've been told by the xMM, so what do I know? Ultimately, I feel for her because she has been getting lied to and betrayed by MM for decades and she has no idea. If she ever found out, it would crush her.

[HappyAgain2014]

During the affair, I thought she was a good person who clearly made raising successful children her priority. I tended to be her advocate to him. I asked him why he didn't share his unhappiness and resentment with her, pointed out how consuming children were, and reminded him any comparisons between her and I were unfair because all of our time was uninterrupted, like like a vacation with no responsibilities.

 

I never thought she was naive for not knowing. He was very good at covering his tracks. It's not surprising. It's a fair assumption that a wife could trust her husband of more than 20 years.

 

I felt responsible for my part in his betrayal. As a woman, a former wife, and a mother, I knew it was wrong. I knew she didn't deserve any of it. This was reinforced after she and I discussed the affair. She was incredibly gracious despite being devastated and concerned for her children.

 

My remorse is completely about her. Her life as she knew it was over. I hope she found some peace after the dust settled. I hope he showed her enough respect to be honest with her about his behavior and his feelings about their marriage.

[unluckycharms]

I feel bad for both of us. The only person who benefits from this situation is her husband and he certainly doesn't deserve to. She knows about the affair but has never met me and doesn't know that he's continued to see me since she found out (though I assume she probably realizes this on some level). I'll admit I had a little bit of irrational anger and jealousy at first but it faded and at this point I just feel guilty because I know I'm wronging her. I try to use that guilt and my anger at him as motivation to get me out of this terrible situation but so far it's been mixed results.

[GoldieLox]

I've never met her, only seen her picture. I do feel bad in my part for hurting her, especially because I know she will never know. I can't help but wonder what went so wrong in their marriage that he was able to fall in love with another woman and consider leaving his kids for her. I wonder if she played a part in it (NOT his cheating, that's all his fault) but in his unhappiness. He may have a comfortable marriage, but things like that don't happen when you are happy.

[Lurkeraspect]

I've never met her, only seen her picture. I do feel bad in my part for hurting her, especially because I know she will never know. I can't help but wonder what went so wrong in their marriage that he was able to fall in love with another woman and consider leaving his kids for her. I wonder if she played a part in it (NOT his cheating, that's all his fault) but in his unhappiness. He may have a comfortable marriage, but things like that don't happen when you are happy.

 

With all due respect, Goldie. Sometimes affairs happen in very happy marriages, sometimes people cheat for all sorts of reasons, irrespective of their marriages. One thing I know though (from personal experience) is that truly unhappy marriages (with two emotionally mature people) end. Kids, mortgages, shared businesses don't stop that. They end, without dragging in a third party.

 

But no, you can't paint all marriages where a person cheats as unhappy. Not to say that doesn't happen, but I'd wager a lot of the cheaters are perfectly happy in their marriages (which is why they never leave) rather, they do it because they can, and have someone willing to accept just that.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[almond]

Ignorance really is bliss. But remind yourself; you keep your self respect and dignity. She gets a liar and a cheater. You win.

 

How on Earth does this possibly make any sense?

 

I don't know how you can believe that knowingly having sex with a married man while he is deceiving his partner in the most horrible of ways, makes you a winner? He keeps going back to her. You want him to be with you. You win how exactly?

 

In my opinion, you both lose. Painfully and significantly.

 

Helping a "liar and a cheater" to do those things...sleeping with him, developing feelings for him, then being devastated when he goes back to his wife...being unable to find the strength to leave him and realise that you deserve better...this equates to you keeping you self-respect and dignity?

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't see it.

[Dutchman1]

I don't want to know my AP spouse either.

 

I often think of how she stands in the way of my happiness. Then I remind myself that he is a lying, calculated jerk....her staying with him, is actually sparing my heart any more heartbreak.

 

She can have him. He is no prize.[/quote

 

You deserve 100000000000 likes

 

Dutchman 1

[GoldieLox]

With all due respect, Goldie. Sometimes affairs happen in very happy marriages, sometimes people cheat for all sorts of reasons, irrespective of their marriages. One thing I know though (from personal experience) is that truly unhappy marriages (with two emotionally mature people) end. Kids, mortgages, shared businesses don't stop that. They end, without dragging in a third party.

 

But no, you can't paint all marriages where a person cheats as unhappy. Not to say that doesn't happen, but I'd wager a lot of the cheaters are perfectly happy in their marriages (which is why they never leave) rather, they do it because they can, and have someone willing to accept just that.

 

I'm well aware of that. I've always said, there are many people who are miserable in marriages, just not miserable enough to leave. There will always be an excuse (kids, money, businesses). There are those who do love their spouses and are happy and who are just flat out cake eaters and serial cheaters. I am of the opinion though that if you are completely 100% happy in your marriage, you will not fall in love with another person and contemplate leaving the marriage for them. Not in a million years. I'm talking about a person who is actually, genuinely stuck in the middle about what to do, not some guy who trolls on Ashley Madison for the flavor of the week to have a short term physical fling and move on.

[Lurkeraspect]

I'm well aware of that. I've always said, there are many people who are miserable in marriages, just not miserable enough to leave. There will always be an excuse (kids, money, businesses). There are those who do love their spouses and are happy and who are just flat out cake eaters and serial cheaters. I am of the opinion though that if you are completely 100% happy in your marriage, you will not fall in love with another person and contemplate leaving the marriage for them. Not in a million years. I'm talking about a person who is actually, genuinely stuck in the middle about what to do, not some guy who trolls on Ashley Madison for the flavor of the week to have a short term physical fling and move on.

 

I agree with you for the most part. But, I also believe there are men who are 100% happy in their marriages, yet want to just bag as many women as possible, professing love and forever to the OW, even going so far to keep some (OW) hanging, just to re-visit as often as he/she are available. Yet they keep their wife sexed up and happy. And, fall in love? Based on all my reading here, that's like finding a penny in your box of cereal. Many think he loves her, few find that to be true long term.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[HtotheN]

What are your thoughts of the AP spouse?

Do you have any thoughts?

 

I've seen several OW claim they feel sorry for the spouse.

 

Do you?

 

I wanna hear what you think of the spouse of your AP. No hold barred and no judgement.

 

Well since I first experienced being a BS and my WH lied so much about me to his army of skanks, I figured that MM (now exMM) would lie about his R and his wife as well. So I would look at her FB. I realize that's unfair but so was screwing her husband so yeah. One of the things that he shared about her is that she is an alcoholic. From what I have seen on social media, I think it's true, based on her obviously drunken rants that she posts and then always deletes the next morning. Another of his complaints is that she plays on FB way too much. Also confirmed from simple observation. She is on there all the freakin time, and whenver anyone writes her, she responds within 3-5 minutes. All the time. She constantly bitched about him on social media, berated him, etc. and never had one positive thing to say about him. At the time (and this was when the A was new), I felt bad for him but time, wisdom, and my own experience with my now ex-h tells me that she had her reasons for feeling the way that she did and that regardless of how bad things seemed to be between them, she knows him better than anyone after having been with him for so long. (I so do *not* miss creeping on her social media.)

 

But you know what? I do feel sorry for her and for him. They both have their issues and they both tolerate a great deal from each other. They have been together for over 2 decades and despite his "I can't wait to get out of here for good" and "She got so drunk last night that she passed out, pooed on herself, threw up and I had to clean everything up" rants, there he stays. When she did that and he stayed, I was disgusted, and it wasn't because I wanted him for myself. Another reason I feel sorry for her is because I asked him many months ago about attending an Al-a-non (or whatever it's called for family members of alcoholics) meeting and he said that he did not want to because all that would do is teach him "how to deal with living with a drunk and that he doesn't want to do that anymore." I told him that just as if she needed to go to the ER for some major health issue and he would take her, that he should also try to get her some help for the drinking issue. For better or for worse, after all, right? I understand that addicts have to want to quit but IMO, he is not being a supportive spouse at all. If I were in her shoes and found out what he has shared with his AP, I would be livid. I did not like that he told me those things and even if we ever do have a dday, I will never tell her that he shared her business with me because that would make her feel terribly embarassed. She is his third wife and I can't help but remember that the only thing that all 3 of those marriages have in common is him.

 

I dodged a major bullet when I got out of that whole mess and I am never looking back. If she were to ever contact me, I will answer all of her questions with complete honesty. Although I was not the one married to her so therefore do not "owe" her a thing, I believe that I owe her the truth if she ever comes looking for it.

Edited July 30, 2015 by HtotheN
corrected the spelling of a word

[Poppy47]

Never saw her as he lives far away from me. I never saw him interacting with any family. I only ever met him on my territory. For me it was difficult to imagine him in another life.

 

 

Rationally I know he was, but I was able to compartmentalise as far as she was concerned for a long time That became unsustainable so I ended the A.

 

I saw photos of her but that still didn't make her real to me.

 

People may say I am unempathetic. I don't care. That's just the way it was.

 

Poppy.

[Ifalltopieces]

How on Earth does this possibly make any sense?

 

I don't know how you can believe that knowingly having sex with a married man while he is deceiving his partner in the most horrible of ways, makes you a winner? He keeps going back to her. You want him to be with you. You win how exactly?

 

In my opinion, you both lose. Painfully and significantly.

 

Helping a "liar and a cheater" to do those things...sleeping with him, developing feelings for him, then being devastated when he goes back to his wife...being unable to find the strength to leave him and realise that you deserve better...this equates to you keeping you self-respect and dignity?

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't see it.

 

By winning, I meant the OW wins because she has rid her life of a lying, deceiving, conniving jerk. The spouse is stuck with him because she will probably never even know what happened. He will more than likely never come clean and he will probably engage in another affair. The OW KNOWS first hand what kind of "man" he is and she's learned her lesson.

 

It's really not a competition. Both women lose something in it. The MM is the only one who seems to gain.

 

That's all I meant. I'm not proud of the things I've done. The things you think of me or say to me could NEVER compare to the horrible things I say to myself.

[Dela]

By winning, I meant the OW wins because she has rid her life of a lying, deceiving, conniving jerk. The spouse is stuck with him because she will probably never even know what happened. He will more than likely never come clean and he will probably engage in another affair. The OW KNOWS first hand what kind of "man" he is and she's learned her lesson.

 

It's really not a competition. Both women lose something in it. The MM is the only one who seems to gain.

 

That's all I meant. I'm not proud of the things I've done. The things you think of me or say to me could NEVER compare to the horrible things I say to myself.

 

 

well, add a child to that equation. She didn t lose a damn thing. "what u don t know, can t hurt u". so as long as she doesn t know anything, shes a happy woman.

 

my point is, the OW is always the loser. theres no winning in an A. there are rare situations when people end up together after an A, but this is not the case. OW are the losers... u can even lose yourself. that s the worst.

Edited August 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cocorico]

What are your thoughts of the AP spouse?

Do you have any thoughts?

 

I've seen several OW claim they feel sorry for the spouse.

 

Do you?

 

I wanna hear what you think of the spouse of your AP. No hold barred and no judgement.

 

She only became an issue in my life after he had left her, and we were living together. I've not seen anything to like, and plenty to dislike.

[Missinghim17]

I don't know her. I used to see her around but we've never spoke. I've been involved with MM 5 years and shes never found out about us. I pray she never does or it will be a nightmare for so many reasons.

 

 

I do feel sorry for her in a way. I never used to. But just recently, I was video chatting with my MM and he was hanging out with his close friends (who know about us) and he was literally laughing with his friends about how his wife is upstairs with the kids and how clueless she is about me. He really isn't an insensitive jerk in general but I honeslty felt so bad for her. She is a mother and a wife and keeps that household running and I highly doubt she would ever cheat on him but for him to make a mockery out of it was a little over the top for me. It kind of made me wonder what he says about me when i'm not there. Im sure it isn't pretty. Sucks that I love him unconditionally that it probably wouldn't matter anyway. But when he did this, I felt sorry for her for the first time ever, and it was definitely a strange feeling to say the least.

[daisygirl19]

I know her pretty well. We lived in the same small community and our children are friends. We were never close, never friends, but definitely acquaintances and our daughters often played together at my house or hers. We're very different people and don't really have much in common, but I always thought she was nice enough. During the EA and at the beginning of the PA, I didn't think about her much to be honest. While I knew them both as a couple, they were never together, he and I hung out with the kids often and she rarely joined us. I would see her at school events and sporting events, but we never really spoke other than a casual "hi and bye" or in a group setting.

 

When he decided to leave, that's when the guilt really kicked into high gear for me. I feel very badly for the pain my actions have caused her. There have certainly been times throughout the process where I want to shake her and tell her to wake up and come join the rest of the us in the year 2015, but that's really a personality thing, not a result of the A.

[MissBee]

During the A I didn't know her. Never met her. Didn't know what she looked like. He didn't speak negatively about her, so I didn't have much information to form any kind of informed opinion of her.

 

I sometimes thought of her and in truth I imagined she was somewhat similar to me. In my head I assumed he might have a type and we might be similar. I heard her voice once and based on that I thought she sounded polished and pleasant and further figured we might be similar. Long after the A was when I accidentally saw her picture, she was attractive but we didn't look physically similar at all.

 

I sometimes felt bad that she had no clue what he was doing and it made me angry at him and myself. I also felt envious of her sometimes that she got him more than I did. That was as far as my thoughts and feelings about her went. I'm not sure I could conduct an A where the person's SO and I ran in the same circle, we know each other or worse are friends. The A was easier for me in many ways because she and I were worlds apart because of the logistics of the A, it being long distance was the major thing that allowed things to be kept very separately and where he could essentially maintain two different relationships.

Edited August 5, 2015 by MissBee

[Giggle]

I don't feel sorry for her... Part of the time I can't figure out why she wants him, I mean she is aware something is up and is demanding left and right and he just kinda sidesteps. On the other hand.. The safety and security of a 15 yr long relationship.. When he has skills and isn't a worthless lump in either the husband or dad dept. why would she want to get rid of that.

 

But shes pretty much as opposite of me as she could be and rather bitchy. I feel bad that they are where they are.

[MissBee]

I don't know her. I used to see her around but we've never spoke. I've been involved with MM 5 years and shes never found out about us. I pray she never does or it will be a nightmare for so many reasons.

 

 

I do feel sorry for her in a way. I never used to. But just recently, I was video chatting with my MM and he was hanging out with his close friends (who know about us) and he was literally laughing with his friends about how his wife is upstairs with the kids and how clueless she is about me. He really isn't an insensitive jerk in general but I honeslty felt so bad for her. She is a mother and a wife and keeps that household running and I highly doubt she would ever cheat on him but for him to make a mockery out of it was a little over the top for me. It kind of made me wonder what he says about me when i'm not there. Im sure it isn't pretty. Sucks that I love him unconditionally that it probably wouldn't matter anyway. But when he did this, I felt sorry for her for the first time ever, and it was definitely a strange feeling to say the least.

 

Ewwww... How awful!

 

Yo should probly examine what unconditional love means, frankly, aside from kids and family, I don't think loving someone romantically should be unconditional esp when they show themselves to be a POS.

 

I have to say, while I won't paint my AP as a saint, because he obviously wasn't, one thing he didn't do was ever ever disparage her or divulge personal details about her and then to me and oddly, I respect that as it made me feel more secure that at least he had some tact, some decency and if we were ever together, even if he were cheating, he wouldn't be dragging me through the mud and making an even bigger fool of me. Even with single guys, I listen VERY carefully about how they talk about their ex, the mother of their child etc, and if it is disrespectful and negative I RUN the other way.