So glad

[m4p]

I'm so glad I stuck it out with NC. It was hard but I kept building a mental wall around XMM and refused to let myself think about him at all. No more tears and despair... I feel myself being able to breathe properly and not hyperventilate when I think of the past now.

 

Anyway the reason why I posted here is because he called me at work today. I don't really feel anything, neither was I upset that he broke NC despite me making it clear the last time. The main point is - I feel nothing. Nothing at his attempts to be funny... Nothing at his vague concerns about my life. It was a platonic conversation though. He wanted to know how was I doing on a very superficial level (how was work, how was your travels, how are you in general). I spoke to him like how I would to an acquaintance. And then he let slip that he's quitting smoking "for health reasons". I immediately knew that the only reason he will quit will only be that they are trying for a baby. But I let it be. I didn't ask him. He kept up with the charade and only towards the end of the conversation did he kinda sheepishly said that they are trying for a baby. Duh. I don't feel happy, but neither was I as upset as I would had been say, 3 months ago? We ended the phone call with an awkward bye and if he is still the same person, I know that he will not call again anytime soon.

 

I just want to acknowledge the fact that I tried my very best to get past this affair. It took so much out of me... I was heartbroken. I loved him. Now I just won't let myself even consider the thoughts of him anymore no matter what whatever feelings I have. I really cannot say that I'm happy to know that they might be having a baby? I'm indifferent yet not exactly really really okay? This is me admitting it. Weirdly, I am glad he called. Glad that he dare pretend things are normal. And that he naively think that it is okay to share such a personal part of his life to me. To ME. I feel disgust. And disgust helps me move on even better. So yeah.

 

Sometimes, what you feel doesn't matter. It's what and how you deal about it. I can't afford to screw up my life all over again.

 

So I will trudge on...

[starglider]

Good for you! Your self esteem must be in a better place now than I'd imagine it was during your A. What do you think happened to make this change in your self worth? Happy for you.

[jenkins95]

Well done m4p!

 

That's great news! You have got your life back! I see from your other posts that you started NC just over 5 months ago. I'm sure that's 5 months that you would never ever want to re-live! But you did it, you were strong and you got there!

 

It's great that his call didn't affect you at all. Perhaps the general friendliness of it, without it becoming inappropriate, was even a good therapeutic, thing? Perhaps it is a way of, while acknowledging that it is 100% over, kind of letting each other know that you are happy that you are each moving on with your lives?

 

I'm not at your stage unfortunately - still in the A, but it has become very difficult - tough decisions and inevitably heartache ahead. It's daunting, but I get so much inspiration and hope from stories like yours.

 

All the very best of luck!

[nikki76]

Its great that you are able to see how bad he is for you.

 

But, if i were you, I'd be very cautious. I think he was just fishing to see if you are still willing to accept the dreaded breadcrumbs. I bet, with in a few weeks, he's going to contact you again. You are doing so well, i would hate to see you fall back into his trap again. Stick to NC. Next time he contacts you (there will be a next time) be strong and stick to NC, don't respond to him at all. Not even for a simple catch up phone call.

Not worth your dignity and you've come so far!!

[Dela]

Congrats. i have a long way until 5 months, but i m hanging in there.

I want to breathe again!!

 

and why the hell would he call anyway??

 

I say LET S ALL BREATHE AGAIN!!!!!

 

HUGS

[Josmatjes]

Good for you!

 

Although I do find it weird that he calls to tell you that they are trying for another baby! What a creep! I mean was he trying to get you upset or hurt you? Why would he do this?

 

Anywho...great you got rid of him and be proud of yourself!!

[m4p]

Good for you!

 

Although I do find it weird that he calls to tell you that they are trying for another baby! What a creep! I mean was he trying to get you upset or hurt you? Why would he do this?

 

Anywho...great you got rid of him and be proud of yourself!!

 

 

I think for the past few months in whatever little contact we have I managed to portray myself to be stronger and more "okay" than I really was. I left all the emotional wringing and grief to LS actually. It's just me. I have too much pride and was humiliated from being in an A and have it end just like that.. I didn't cry or showed much emotions in our conversations even though my heart felt like it was about to leap out every single time. He probably thinks that I am genuinely okay and he feels safe to venture into pure "friends" territory... I think he got off way too easily but i just don't want to create even more drama. I still care for him and I think I'll give him this. The peace that I cannot have. Unless he tries anything funny which I genuinely think he will not. I am not inviting him back in my life too. Like I said based on my response and if he really did learn to read me as he did for the past couple years, he will know that I'm cold and no longer "there".

 

I'm so tired but I really am better. Thank effing god.

[m4p]

Congrats. i have a long way until 5 months, but i m hanging in there.

I want to breathe again!!

 

and why the hell would he call anyway??

 

I say LET S ALL BREATHE AGAIN!!!!!

 

HUGS

 

Thank you! And I read a bit of your backstory. Please hang in there honey. Can I just say, everything starts with the first step.. No matter how you feel and all the whirlwind of emotions, it WILL pass if you are determined to keep the distance.

 

If you read more you'll know I didn't have a clear cut 5 months NC. There was sporadic contact here and there. But with each and every time, and with every passing day, I find myself realizing that I'm not gonna die without him.

 

I gotta admit this though. After posting this thread today I had a mini panic attack. That's what confronting and thinking about the A does to me. I don't think I'm fully healed but this only drives home what I knew all along- it is not healthy for me. This also spoilt him for me. When I think of him I think of panic attacks, humiliation, helplessness. No longer sunshine and love and happiness.

 

I hope you stay on this path and know that it is truly for the best!

[m4p]

Its great that you are able to see how bad he is for you.

 

But, if i were you, I'd be very cautious. I think he was just fishing to see if you are still willing to accept the dreaded breadcrumbs. I bet, with in a few weeks, he's going to contact you again. You are doing so well, i would hate to see you fall back into his trap again. Stick to NC. Next time he contacts you (there will be a next time) be strong and stick to NC, don't respond to him at all. Not even for a simple catch up phone call.

Not worth your dignity and you've come so far!!

 

 

I doubt he'll call again and somehow his work number was private so I can't block it.... I think I'll survive it if he really does. There really no point anymore.

 

I do understand and I really have came so far to know how hard it was for me. I remember sobbing in my car first few weeks after D-day and wondering just when will this pain end. I remember waking up with my heart pounding and realizing that I will never receive his morning texts again. Can you imagine. living your life with this person for 2 years and despite being in denial, I was really really happy? It all ended and it's a harsh wake up call. I am too far out to turn back again.. This is why I am glad now. It will never be concluded, this affair business. I came out a little wiser, a little broken, a little more sadder yet it's not all that bad too... Thank you.

[m4p]

Well done m4p!

 

That's great news! You have got your life back! I see from your other posts that you started NC just over 5 months ago. I'm sure that's 5 months that you would never ever want to re-live! But you did it, you were strong and you got there!

 

It's great that his call didn't affect you at all. Perhaps the general friendliness of it, without it becoming inappropriate, was even a good therapeutic, thing? Perhaps it is a way of, while acknowledging that it is 100% over, kind of letting each other know that you are happy that you are each moving on with your lives?

 

I'm not at your stage unfortunately - still in the A, but it has become very difficult - tough decisions and inevitably heartache ahead. It's daunting, but I get so much inspiration and hope from stories like yours.

 

All the very best of luck!

 

I'm so happy that you feel motivated from my post. It is true.. You can do it too!!!! It needn't be all drama and hysterics as long as you don't allow it. For me it was really my pride? I can't imagine hanging on to someone who does not want me as much as I wanted him. I did sway though.. I was so pathetic I wanted him back but I never gave him and never beg. Don't settle anymore...

 

And I think you are right. I am not exactly happy now but it is a fact that the A is 100% over. As morally corrupted as we were to have cheated and lied to everyone around us, it is also hard to deny that we were also genuine to each other. It was this phrase that we liked to use between ourselves- that it's tiring enough to lead a double life so the only place we can be honest is with each other. How naive is that?! Yet I believed it to be true to a certain extent. Oh well.

 

If you have a choice I'll recommend not even have such contact. It takes so much out of me to be normal and ambivalent. You know that the A will go nowhere if you let it be. You know the consequences.

 

I wish you lots of strength ahead to do what's best for yourself!

[m4p]

Good for you! Your self esteem must be in a better place now than I'd imagine it was during your A. What do you think happened to make this change in your self worth? Happy for you.

 

I was a complete wreck post D day.. I could not sleep/eat/work or function like a normal human being when the A ended adequately. Needless to say my self esteem took a hit.

 

I think was happened was "time". They all said here that time is the best healing aid and I know it then but I didn't feel it. But "time" did happened. Day after day, he became less and less relevant to me and my life. And I also did a lot of self reflection after d day... It was from desperately wanting him to slowly realizing how pathetic I am (and disgusted by him). I think it was a combination of seeing him for who he was (not a bad person but seriously selfish and conflict avoidant) and that he did not care for me as much as I did for him. I imagined him grovel to his wife and begging to be let back home. That's the man I loved and let myself screw my life up over. Eww. My pride took over so I couldn't bear being rejected and humiliated again.

 

That's what happened. I hope this helps!

[NewLeaf512]

well done on your NC. it's a great achievement

[Josmatjes]

Thank you! And I read a bit of your backstory. Please hang in there honey. Can I just say, everything starts with the first step.. No matter how you feel and all the whirlwind of emotions, it WILL pass if you are determined to keep the distance.

 

If you read more you'll know I didn't have a clear cut 5 months NC. There was sporadic contact here and there. But with each and every time, and with every passing day, I find myself realizing that I'm not gonna die without him.

 

I gotta admit this though. After posting this thread today I had a mini panic attack. That's what confronting and thinking about the A does to me. I don't think I'm fully healed but this only drives home what I knew all along- it is not healthy for me. This also spoilt him for me. When I think of him I think of panic attacks, humiliation, helplessness. No longer sunshine and love and happiness.

 

I hope you stay on this path and know that it is truly for the best!

 

This is me too. There aren't as many good feelings associated with him. It's anxiety, humiliation, feeling like I have no say or control. I'm good as long as I'm busy and focusing on other things but when I stop....my mind wanders!

 

Dis anyone ever see that movie " someone like me" with Ashley Judd , she was in a relationship with someone she thought was single and turns out he wasn't, there was the whole push pull thing and it was funny because she went to the doctor and asked if he could remove her sense of smell, because she kept smelling him everywhere then she would break down.... Ugh! I wish I could turn off my heart sometimes and sync it with my head!!

[Josmatjes]

I just read some of your backstory and it could be mine. We were friends for years. Started as two friends just talking than escalated and got to a point where for a year and a half I didn't go one day without speaking, or seeing him. Many times no PA just talking, leaning on each other. That is what I miss.

After dday I could not function, I'd cry all the time, I was a mess. I didn't truly start feeling better until I told two friends of mine. That's when the healing started. I still think of him everyday and I do hope that ends soon. I will never do this again.

[HtotheN]

I'm so glad I stuck it out with NC. It was hard but I kept building a mental wall around XMM and refused to let myself think about him at all. No more tears and despair... I feel myself being able to breathe properly and not hyperventilate when I think of the past now.

 

Anyway the reason why I posted here is because he called me at work today. I don't really feel anything, neither was I upset that he broke NC despite me making it clear the last time. The main point is - I feel nothing. Nothing at his attempts to be funny... Nothing at his vague concerns about my life. It was a platonic conversation though. He wanted to know how was I doing on a very superficial level (how was work, how was your travels, how are you in general). I spoke to him like how I would to an acquaintance. And then he let slip that he's quitting smoking "for health reasons". I immediately knew that the only reason he will quit will only be that they are trying for a baby. But I let it be. I didn't ask him. He kept up with the charade and only towards the end of the conversation did he kinda sheepishly said that they are trying for a baby. Duh. I don't feel happy, but neither was I as upset as I would had been say, 3 months ago? We ended the phone call with an awkward bye and if he is still the same person, I know that he will not call again anytime soon.

 

I just want to acknowledge the fact that I tried my very best to get past this affair. It took so much out of me... I was heartbroken. I loved him. Now I just won't let myself even consider the thoughts of him anymore no matter what whatever feelings I have. I really cannot say that I'm happy to know that they might be having a baby? I'm indifferent yet not exactly really really okay? This is me admitting it. Weirdly, I am glad he called. Glad that he dare pretend things are normal. And that he naively think that it is okay to share such a personal part of his life to me. To ME. I feel disgust. And disgust helps me move on even better. So yeah.

 

Sometimes, what you feel doesn't matter. It's what and how you deal about it. I can't afford to screw up my life all over again.

 

So I will trudge on...

 

Kudos for the NC, and for handling the phone call so well. However, it was ****ty of him to share that information with you about the babymaking. If he calls again, why not just say that you do not wish to speak with him again? If he persists, tell him that you will tell his wife. I swear it's like they have a sixth sense that tells them when we are feeling better about ourselves and that's when they strike again. It was mature of you to handle things well this time but IMO, he has no business bothering you anymore. At all.

[Poppy47]

I think for the past few months in whatever little contact we have I managed to portray myself to be stronger and more "okay" than I really was. I left all the emotional wringing and grief to LS actually. It's just me. I have too much pride and was humiliated from being in an A and have it end just like that.. I didn't cry or showed much emotions in our conversations even though my heart felt like it was about to leap out every single time. He probably thinks that I am genuinely okay and he feels safe to venture into pure "friends" territory... I think he got off way too easily but i just don't want to create even more drama. I still care for him and I think I'll give him this. The peace that I cannot have. Unless he tries anything funny which I genuinely think he will not. I am not inviting him back in my life too. Like I said based on my response and if he really did learn to read me as he did for the past couple years, he will know that I'm cold and no longer "there".

 

I'm so tired but I really am better. Thank effing god.

 

I wonder why you are still talking to him.

Poppy.

[m4p]

I wonder why you are still talking to him.

Poppy.

 

Poppy,

 

Didn't intend to go into details but the number he used was a private number and I had no way of blocking that. All his known contacts are blocked.

 

That aside, I don't really know how to articulate this.... But somehow, right now- I don't have the strength to make a conscious effort to be affected by him. and to me that is a good thing? ie. he calls and it doesn't bother me as much. He doesn't call for weeks, and neither do I dwell on it too. It's not like I planned it or what, but I only just realised it after hanging up the phone. It worked for me. I feel that this unexpected phone call gave me a chance to realise that I have more control over how I react to him vs. living in fear of any contact with him.

 

I am not encouraging any future friendship here because frankly, it is impossible to go back and i am very sure he knows it. Likewise, I feel that being all strict NC and horrified and super angst when he calls just makes me upset for no reason, because the truth is simply- I am starting to care lesser and lesser.. do i make sense?

[m4p]

Kudos for the NC, and for handling the phone call so well. However, it was ****ty of him to share that information with you about the babymaking. If he calls again, why not just say that you do not wish to speak with him again? If he persists, tell him that you will tell his wife. I swear it's like they have a sixth sense that tells them when we are feeling better about ourselves and that's when they strike again. It was mature of you to handle things well this time but IMO, he has no business bothering you anymore. At all.

 

I do agree, and thank you! I didn't have to make it clear but from the way we spoke, it was an awkward and tiresome conversation. I can safely bet that he will not call again. and the baby making thing was really really, awkward. He never used to have problems with being honest with me, I think he felt weird to not to be truthful to me about this (by habit). Briefly last year he actually did tell me that they had decided to try for a baby and he was genuinely anguished when he said "how are we gonna try if we are not even... doing it?". Almost 1.5 years have passed since then and we did not talk about it again, and she is still not pregnant. so yesterday he kinda let it out by saying "remember last year I told you we wanted to try but we didn't?" and basically saying that they are trying now. It was weird.... I don't feel that he was fishing. if he was then well he didn't get any encouragement to carry on. it was like KTHXBYE, talk to you again never.

[m4p]

This is me too. There aren't as many good feelings associated with him. It's anxiety, humiliation, feeling like I have no say or control. I'm good as long as I'm busy and focusing on other things but when I stop....my mind wanders!

 

Dis anyone ever see that movie " someone like me" with Ashley Judd , she was in a relationship with someone she thought was single and turns out he wasn't, there was the whole push pull thing and it was funny because she went to the doctor and asked if he could remove her sense of smell, because she kept smelling him everywhere then she would break down.... Ugh! I wish I could turn off my heart sometimes and sync it with my head!!

 

I just read some of your backstory and it could be mine. We were friends for years. Started as two friends just talking than escalated and got to a point where for a year and a half I didn't go one day without speaking, or seeing him. Many times no PA just talking, leaning on each other. That is what I miss.

After dday I could not function, I'd cry all the time, I was a mess. I didn't truly start feeling better until I told two friends of mine. That's when the healing started. I still think of him everyday and I do hope that ends soon. I will never do this again.

 

Well Jos, I am sorry you are going through this too.. I read a bit of your story too. This emptiness after the A ends is no joke. But we gotta do the right thing for ourselves. not for your OM or your H or your kids but for you.

 

I didn't watch that movie- it sounds funny though and even rings true because I have a thing about xMM's smell (sounds weird I know) and post d-day i get hyperventilation when I walk past someone who smells like him. urgh.

 

Its the friends things that hits hard you are right. It was not like we were having sex every day. like you said a lot of it was emotional for me too. we basically was there for each other emotionally 99% of the time during the affair. But i guess the take away from this whole fiasco is that we have to work on ourselves and find out what were we lacking in ourselves that had to be solved by having an affair.

 

famous last words: I will really never do this again. It is so not worth this emotional toll.

 

Anyway, I just want to say that it is completely normal to think of him everyday. for first couple months I literally wake up every morning with panic attacks. and it continues throughout the day until i fall asleep. But trust me- it gets better. why should our happiness be validated by another person's existence?

 

I hope you stay strong and decide what's best for yourself right now and accept the affair for what it is, that its over so give yourself time to heal alright.

[m4p]

well done on your NC. it's a great achievement

 

Thank you! I came a long way and I don't know whats gonna happen next but i certainly feel much more detached from him and the A than ever before....

[Noideanow]

Poppy,

 

Didn't intend to go into details but the number he used was a private number and I had no way of blocking that. All his known contacts are blocked.

 

That aside, I don't really know how to articulate this.... But somehow, right now- I don't have the strength to make a conscious effort to be affected by him. and to me that is a good thing? ie. he calls and it doesn't bother me as much. He doesn't call for weeks, and neither do I dwell on it too. It's not like I planned it or what, but I only just realised it after hanging up the phone. It worked for me. I feel that this unexpected phone call gave me a chance to realise that I have more control over how I react to him vs. living in fear of any contact with him.

 

I am not encouraging any future friendship here because frankly, it is impossible to go back and i am very sure he knows it. Likewise, I feel that being all strict NC and horrified and super angst when he calls just makes me upset for no reason, because the truth is simply- I am starting to care lesser and lesser.. do i make sense?

 

I can relate to what you write, I, after those sporadic phonecalls, reached a point where, when he was sending a sweet innocent text i simply had no energy responding to it, didnt feel anything, didnt know what to write because all that i had said in the past had seemed to only keep him satisfied while I wasnt, and also when I thougt about him turning his body back home to the wife :sick: after I would have sent him the text i didnt want to give him that attention anymore when all he did was go home:sick: and give it to someone else, i finally got angry:cool:

[m4p]

I can relate to what you write, I, after those sporadic phonecalls, reached a point where, when he was sending a sweet innocent text i simply had no energy responding to it, didnt feel anything, didnt know what to write because all that i had said in the past had seemed to only keep him satisfied while I wasnt, and also when I thougt about him turning his body back home to the wife :sick: after I would have sent him the text i didnt want to give him that attention anymore when all he did was go home:sick: and give it to someone else, i finally got angry:cool:

 

That's exactly how I feel!! All these happened only post D-day and it really led me to realize how disheartened and disgusted I was. It was really quite pathetic. Hugs

[Missinghim17]

I'm so glad I stuck it out with NC. It was hard but I kept building a mental wall around XMM and refused to let myself think about him at all. No more tears and despair... I feel myself being able to breathe properly and not hyperventilate when I think of the past now.

 

Anyway the reason why I posted here is because he called me at work today. I don't really feel anything, neither was I upset that he broke NC despite me making it clear the last time. The main point is - I feel nothing. Nothing at his attempts to be funny... Nothing at his vague concerns about my life. It was a platonic conversation though. He wanted to know how was I doing on a very superficial level (how was work, how was your travels, how are you in general). I spoke to him like how I would to an acquaintance. And then he let slip that he's quitting smoking "for health reasons". I immediately knew that the only reason he will quit will only be that they are trying for a baby. But I let it be. I didn't ask him. He kept up with the charade and only towards the end of the conversation did he kinda sheepishly said that they are trying for a baby. Duh. I don't feel happy, but neither was I as upset as I would had been say, 3 months ago? We ended the phone call with an awkward bye and if he is still the same person, I know that he will not call again anytime soon.

 

I just want to acknowledge the fact that I tried my very best to get past this affair. It took so much out of me... I was heartbroken. I loved him. Now I just won't let myself even consider the thoughts of him anymore no matter what whatever feelings I have. I really cannot say that I'm happy to know that they might be having a baby? I'm indifferent yet not exactly really really okay? This is me admitting it. Weirdly, I am glad he called. Glad that he dare pretend things are normal. And that he naively think that it is okay to share such a personal part of his life to me. To ME. I feel disgust. And disgust helps me move on even better. So yeah.

 

Sometimes, what you feel doesn't matter. It's what and how you deal about it. I can't afford to screw up my life all over again.

 

So I will trudge on...

 

You are a very strong woman. I can only hope I can get to this point one day.

[bathtub-row]

Its great that you are able to see how bad he is for you.

 

But, if i were you, I'd be very cautious. I think he was just fishing to see if you are still willing to accept the dreaded breadcrumbs. I bet, with in a few weeks, he's going to contact you again. You are doing so well, i would hate to see you fall back into his trap again. Stick to NC. Next time he contacts you (there will be a next time) be strong and stick to NC, don't respond to him at all. Not even for a simple catch up phone call.

Not worth your dignity and you've come so far!!

 

This post is EXACTLY the truth. Men love to play these games. He knows that in a day or few days, the conversation is going to sink into your soul, you're going to start thinking about the past again, etc. This is a total trap and while it's great that you didn't initially react, be aware that you most likely will feel differently in a few days. And that's when he's likely to contact you again. Men are extremely manipulative in this sense and please don't underestimate what he's doing. Whether he's sincere or not, it makes no difference. He will ultimately rip you up again if you ever give him the chance.

 

And the thing about trying for a baby. I'm speechless. I would've ripped into my xMM if he had ever said something like that to me, even it if was after we broke up. Your xMM man has no respect for your feelings. If I were you, I'd feel thankful that I dodged a bullet and thankful that I'm not his poor wife. What a complete jerk!

[Eagle's-bargain]

Thank you! And I read a bit of your backstory. Please hang in there honey. Can I just say, everything starts with the first step.. No matter how you feel and all the whirlwind of emotions, it WILL pass if you are determined to keep the distance.

 

Sometimes you have to keep the distance from one's self.

 

Notwithstanding that, m4p, congratulations. Keep focusing on your goals and dreams.