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Things xMM said


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This is some of the conversation we had when i broke NC few days ago.

I m not gonna post all of it because it s very long, just the things he said that stuck with me. I asked him to talk to me about what s on his mind

 

There are things u aleady know. i have doubts, i can t find any confort, nowhere, i have nothing to put back, i might never have again.

 

i have no drawer for u ( this drawer thing is something he often says that he does when he can t deal with things- puts them in an imaginary one and leave it there), it s all out in the open, i can t stop thinking about it and there is no relief. my choice regarding us might be a wrong one. i didn t just start having doubts, i always had. i only hope i will not regret it.

 

me: what hurts the most is that u never even tried. i don t think u tried

 

I wasn t ready to try. i m still not ready. u have made hard choices in your life, i don t know how to do that yet. i also had to make hard choices, but not about my family. it s like a barrier. it s frightening to know that is possible to live the biggest lie of your life and not have the means to clarify what s with u, at least for the moment (he was talking about his life at home)

 

he then asked what i know about his feelings for me. i said that i know he loves me, but maybe not enough to do something about it.

 

i want u to know that i wasn t with u to fill a void. i ve been thinking about this and i know my feelings don t come from any void but from what u are.

u know that tank ( from the book The five love languages) it s not just one. with u it was always full. the other one is empty and i carry it with me but u were not a source to fill a void. we ve built something else. maybe i didn t fall in love with u the same way u did, but i ended up loving u

 

if u were to call me, i would come to see u without thinking twice. but still without a concretely prospect.

 

 

i know that we are doing things we don t want to do, that go againgst some natural desires easily accomplished (i didn t get this easy part??? easy???)

 

i said : no, u re doing this, i just comply...

 

As i said, the conversation was long. he said he didn t think it would be so hard without me.

 

but still... he s not ready yet.

 

Thoughts?

 

thank u

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Words don't mean anything without the actions backing it up.

 

He is talking in circles.

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Words don't mean anything without the actions backing it up.

 

He is talking in circles.

 

 

i know. i was just curious about what anyone else thinks about what he said.

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HappyAgain2014

He's playing the victim. He also shows he isn't considering what the affair does to you. Classic selfishness.

 

His life at home isn't the lie. The affair is.

 

You'd really be shocked at how quickly all of this would be twisted around if his wife discovered this. She'd be all he ever wanted and the affair would be minimized.

 

I really hope you start letting him go emotionally and stop talking to him. You're just picking at a wound while you bargain with yourself and him to accept even less from him.

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He's playing the victim. He also shows he isn't considering what the affair does to you. Classic selfishness.

 

His life at home isn't the lie. The affair is.

 

You'd really be shocked at how quickly all of this would be twisted around if his wife discovered this. She'd be all he ever wanted and the affair would be minimized.

 

I really hope you start letting him go emotionally and stop talking to him. You're just picking at a wound while you bargain with yourself and him to accept even less from him.

 

 

thank you for your post

i am not in the A anymore. this conv was after the break up, which i initiated.

 

i am trying to let go, but there s a part of me that still hopes... i know it s stupid to hope he will do something, but i m a silly optimistic.

 

i have nothing to say to him anymore. i m trying to accept that if he ever wants to make a change, it has to come from him and only him. that s why i m writing here what s on my mind so i don t become tempted to write to him...

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Ifalltopieces

I think it's interesting that you can actually tell him how you feel and he doesn't come back with a s***** response or get angry. I say this because when I try to tell MM how I feel, I get in trouble, he gets defensive and I usually wind up apologizing. At least your MM has concept of how to listen and then respond, even if his responses are completely rediculous.

 

On another note, he sounds like an emotional basket case. He wants you but he isn't strong enough to do the things necessary to keep you. I'm so glad you found the strength to go NC. Maybe it's time he starts cleaning out his drawers.

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I think it's interesting that you can actually tell him how you feel and he doesn't come back with a s***** response or get angry. At least your MM has concept of how to listen and then respond, even if his responses are completely rediculous.

 

On another note, he sounds like an emotional basket case. He wants you but he isn't strong enough to do the things necessary to keep you. I'm so glad you found the strength to go NC. Maybe it's time he starts cleaning out his drawers.

 

 

thank u. he was always like this. if i had an emotional night or some drama he would stay up and chat with me. it s one of the reasons i fell in love with him. he was never careless when it comes about how i feel/think and we always had a great communication. i was never afraid to tell him what s on my mind and viceversa.

 

 

I say this because when I try to tell MM how I feel, I get in trouble, he gets defensive and I usually wind up apologizing.

 

never apologize for how u feel. if he isn t able to have a conversation, at least tell him to LISTEN!!! it is important for u, s long as u decide to stil be in this A, to take what u need from it (aka u need to talk and share how u feel) SO DO IT! as long as he takes what he needs from u, u have the right to do the same. u have the power to turn this around. u are a woman. do not let him mistreat u. do not apologize. tell him straight what u feel and if he can t take it, well, tht s his problem.

 

maybe it s time for everyone to clean the drawers. NC hurts but it s a good thing

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Ifalltopieces
never apologize for how u feel. if he isn t able to have a conversation, at least tell him to LISTEN!!! it is important for u, s long as u decide to stil be in this A, to take what u need from it (aka u need to talk and share how u feel) SO DO IT! as long as he takes what he needs from u, u have the right to do the same. u have the power to turn this around. u are a woman. do not let him mistreat u. do not apologize. tell him straight what u feel and if he can t take it, well, tht s his problem.

 

maybe it s time for everyone to clean the drawers. NC hurts but it s a good thing

 

I wish I could tell MM how I feel. When I try, he cuts me off and tells me how everything always has to be my way, followed by how selfish I am. When he tells me these things, it makes me start questioning what kind of person I really am. The pictures he paints of me is one of a monster. I've never thought of myself as such, but these days I'm really not sure who or what I am. I have convinced myself that he treats me this way because I bring out the bad in him.

 

As for cleaning out drawers, I really need to start cleaning out mine too. This whole thing has spiraled out of control and has turned my life upside down. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be where I am. This just wasn't how it was suppose to be. :/

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I wish I could tell MM how I feel. When I try, he cuts me off and tells me how everything always has to be my way, followed by how selfish I am. When he tells me these things, it makes me start questioning what kind of person I really am. The pictures he paints of me is one of a monster. I've never thought of myself as such, but these days I'm really not sure who or what I am. I have convinced myself that he treats me this way because I bring out the bad in him.

 

As for cleaning out drawers, I really need to start cleaning out mine too. This whole thing has spiraled out of control and has turned my life upside down. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be where I am. This just wasn't how it was suppose to be. :/

 

 

I know it s a stupid question, but why don t u end it?

 

what i think it s that he s trying to make u the bad guy and u let him. don t!

no one should make u doubt yourself. u don t bring the worst in him. at least he could listen to what u have to say. how can he know what/how u are, if he never lets u finish what u have to say? he is not to decide your worth!!!

 

it looks to me that he s trying to avoid emotional conversations because he can t just deal with them. and he found the perfect way for him by making U feel bad about it.

 

if u were a monster, he would walk away. why doesn t he? why don t u go NC?

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Southern Sun

Dela - your xMM sounds dangerously similar to mine.

 

In that I mean, they always sound nice and loving. It always "seems" like they are entertaining your thoughts and emotions and being kind. Yet at the end of the day, all of the conversations are circular. He will say he doesn't want this, yet there is a "but" at the end of every sentence. He will confuse you to no end.

 

And maybe they DO care for us. But it still causes us pain. It is still selfish, to keep us as an option. If they say they love us, but need to focus on other things and don't know what they want - then in reality they really don't want us. And why would WE want to hang around, begging a man like this to "choose us"?

 

Stop thinking about him. He's thinking about him and you're thinking about him. Someone needs to take care of YOU.

 

This will never be truly good unless he is fully available to you, physically and emotionally, and you can't make that happen. Guard your heart and stay NC.

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Ifalltopieces
I know it s a stupid question, but why don t u end it?

 

what i think it s that he s trying to make u the bad guy and u let him. don t!

no one should make u doubt yourself. u don t bring the worst in him. at least he could listen to what u have to say. how can he know what/how u are, if he never lets u finish what u have to say? he is not to decide your worth!!!

 

it looks to me that he s trying to avoid emotional conversations because he can t just deal with them. and he found the perfect way for him by making U feel bad about it.

 

if u were a monster, he would walk away. why doesn t he? why don t u go NC?

 

I don't know why I haven't. I'm always so close but don't. I don't know why he doesn't walk either. As bad as it would hurt, sometimes I wish he would just do it. Sometimes I think he wants me to do it. But if I ever mention it or mention needing space he freaks out in a panic. It's a sick game and I have become nothing more than his puppet. He is so cruel. I was always a strong person, but this has really made me into a weak person. Everybody is right about how he is and I know I need to end it. I guess I shouldn't really complain about it, if I haven't changed it.

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I don't know why I haven't. I'm always so close but don't. I don't know why he doesn't walk either. As bad as it would hurt, sometimes I wish he would just do it. Sometimes I think he wants me to do it. But if I ever mention it or mention needing space he freaks out in a panic. It's a sick game and I have become nothing more than his puppet. He is so cruel. I was always a strong person, but this has really made me into a weak person. Everybody is right about how he is and I know I need to end it. I guess I shouldn't really complain about it, if I haven't changed it.

 

 

so let him panic. show him that u have self respect and u can walk away.

it s the one thing i m proud of. i left him not the other way around. and although he knows that i didn t want to and i love him and want to be with him, i still did it. he is always welcome to come back if he wants to be with me!

 

your MM knows that panic helps to keep u coming back. u need to get pass that. show him that no matter what he does, u re walking away.

if u still want to be with him, at least this is a chance he reconsiders how he treats u. at least if u wanna be in this A, make him respect u!!!

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HappyAgain2014
I don't know why I haven't. I'm always so close but don't. I don't know why he doesn't walk either. As bad as it would hurt, sometimes I wish he would just do it. Sometimes I think he wants me to do it. But if I ever mention it or mention needing space he freaks out in a panic. It's a sick game and I have become nothing more than his puppet. He is so cruel. I was always a strong person, but this has really made me into a weak person. Everybody is right about how he is and I know I need to end it. I guess I shouldn't really complain about it, if I haven't changed it.

 

He doesn't walk because he doesn't have a lot of options. This works for him. Sex, ego stroking, and a woman who waits for him while he does nothing and she accepts it. It's quite a bargain for him.

 

So many OW treat affairs like a poker game. You have so many chips in the pot so you feel like you are committed to the end. The problem is, there isn't an end. It's more like monopoly and he owns all the properties. You just keep going around the board paying him.

 

Believing all of this will pay off keeps many OW in affairs. Ending it shows it wasn't worth it so many stay believing if they get the man, it was all worth it. Truth is it's better to cut your losses versus continuing to contribute to an emotional money pit.

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Sounds like a bunch of nonsensical jibber jabber. It's like he picked pretty words and strung them together in a semi-coherent sentence to either appease or confuse the hell out of you. I think people put it best when they said he is talking in circles, but even saying that gives him too much credit.

 

Except for the part on how he is able to compartmentalize things. That was pretty clear.

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Dela - your xMM sounds dangerously similar to mine.

 

In that I mean, they always sound nice and loving. It always "seems" like they are entertaining your thoughts and emotions and being kind. Yet at the end of the day, all of the conversations are circular. He will say he doesn't want this, yet there is a "but" at the end of every sentence. He will confuse you to no end.

 

And maybe they DO care for us. But it still causes us pain. It is still selfish, to keep us as an option. If they say they love us, but need to focus on other things and don't know what they want - then in reality they really don't want us. And why would WE want to hang around, begging a man like this to "choose us"?

 

Stop thinking about him. He's thinking about him and you're thinking about him. Someone needs to take care of YOU.

 

This will never be truly good unless he is fully available to you, physically and emotionally, and you can't make that happen. Guard your heart and stay NC.

 

 

thank u. yes, they might care and love but what good does this make for us?

things are how they are...

 

i am taking care of me. it s been 8 days since the break up and i feel a little better. crying has become less and less, i think i m getting used to the situation. i ve been thru worse so i m used to it. i m trying to make this drama into a good thing. i started a diet, trying to lose 5 kilos and as soon as i feel better i will start going to the gym. i m working on myself!

 

ru NC? how are u feeling?

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HappyAgain2014
so let him panic. show him that u have self respect and u can walk away.

it s the one thing i m proud of. i left him not the other way around. and although he knows that i didn t want to and i love him and want to be with him, i still did it. he is always welcome to come back if he wants to be with me!

 

your MM knows that panic helps to keep u coming back. u need to get pass that. show him that no matter what he does, u re walking away.

if u still want to be with him, at least this is a chance he reconsiders how he treats u. at least if u wanna be in this A, make him respect u!!!

 

I disagree. If you have to ask someone to respect you, it's apparent they don't. Nothing will change that. Even if you could, why would you want to?

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Sounds like a bunch of nonsensical jibber jabber. It's like he picked pretty words and strung them together in a semi-coherent sentence to either appease or confuse the hell out of you. I think people put it best when they said he is talking in circles, but even saying that gives him too much credit.

 

Except for the part on how he is able to compartmentalize things. That was pretty clear.

 

thank u.

 

as someone said, he s an emotional basket case. this conversation didn t change anything though. he s not ready, he s not ready. a good question would be : will he ever be ready?

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I disagree. If you have to ask someone to respect you, it's apparent they don't. Nothing will change that. Even if you could, why would you want to?

 

it seems to me that she is undecided on what to do.

 

she most probably won t end it so easily. i suggested to end it and IF she wants to go back (which happens in most of the cases for a few times when we end an A) at least maybe he will respect her more. it seems she is having a hard time dealing with his drama and the way he makes her feel. she needs to have some control over the situation if she decides to stay in the A.

 

but of course the best thing would be to just end it. forever

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I think it's interesting that you can actually tell him how you feel and he doesn't come back with a s***** response or get angry. I say this because when I try to tell MM how I feel, I get in trouble, he gets defensive and I usually wind up apologizing. At least your MM has concept of how to listen and then respond, even if his responses are completely rediculous.

 

 

What he is doing is called an emotional escape.

He uses anger to deflect you away from speaking about stuff he doesn't want to speak about.

Once he has you back to normal or even apologising to him, he is off the hook. It was not real anger it was just a mask he put on to steer you away from the awkward questions.

 

this is about how players use emotional escapes to get themselves out of sticky situations, but it is exactly the same principle.
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Grapesofwrath

These kinds of conversations are the core of affairs. A lot of emotional interchange, verbally. It can be intoxicating, if one enjoys that sort of thing and if it is one of your love languages, to use that context.

 

Ultimately, this comes down to how you feel. How does this relationship make you feel? Do you feel safe? Loved? Secure? Cherished? Prioritized? Honored? Do you feel you are able to trust him? You may feel these things at times, or you wouldn't be in the A. Contrast that to how often you feel dismissed. Abandoned. Dishonored. Deceived. Compartmentalized. Disempowered.

 

No relationship is perfect. And there will always be bumps. But they should be infrequent and acknowledged. Do you feel that is the case? Trying to make sense of his emotional journey is exhausting and ultimately pointless. Thsi is now about you.

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HappyAgain2014
it seems to me that she is undecided on what to do.

 

she most probably won t end it so easily. i suggested to end it and IF she wants to go back (which happens in most of the cases for a few times when we end an A) at least maybe he will respect her more. it seems she is having a hard time dealing with his drama and the way he makes her feel. she needs to have some control over the situation if she decides to stay in the A.

 

but of course the best thing would be to just end it. forever

 

There is no control in an affair. He controls everything. If that wasn't true, so many OW wouldn't be waiting for their MM to make a decision. Regardless of what he says about wishing and hoping, he's already made one .... to stay with his wife.

 

The topic here isn't control. It's bargaining with herself and him to accept a minimized role in his life with emotional abuse. How is this remotely love?

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MyNameIsNotSusan

My XMM did exactly the same kind of double speak, talking in the third person, a lot of flip flopping, contradiction, talking in riddles. I'm a very intelligent woman and an excellent communicator, but often after talking with him, I left the conversation feeling very confused. If I expressed this to him or asked for clarification, it was "I don't understand what you are asking" or "I don't appreciate this kind of pressure".

 

He also did a lot of re-writing history, what was said by me, which never was. He would repeat something I supposedly said back to me, and I know for a fact I never said it. Very odd. He would also say he told me things, "remember I told you.. you don't listen", but again, he never told me. It was all very, very stressful for me.

 

Be thankful its over. Go out! Meet someone new!

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Sounds like a bunch of nonsensical jibber jabber. It's like he picked pretty words and strung them together in a semi-coherent sentence to either appease or confuse the hell out of you.

 

I agree, totally meaningless waffle.

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MyNameIsNotSusan
Regardless of what he says about wishing and hoping, he's already made one .... to stay with his wife.

 

 

 

And this is ALL we need to know. Closure right there. Let's stop analyzing.

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These kinds of conversations are the core of affairs. A lot of emotional interchange, verbally. It can be intoxicating, if one enjoys that sort of thing and if it is one of your love languages, to use that context.

 

Ultimately, this comes down to how you feel. How does this relationship make you feel? Do you feel safe? Loved? Secure? Cherished? Prioritized? Honored? Do you feel you are able to trust him? You may feel these things at times, or you wouldn't be in the A. Contrast that to how often you feel dismissed. Abandoned. Dishonored. Deceived. Compartmentalized. Disempowered.

 

No relationship is perfect. And there will always be bumps. But they should be infrequent and acknowledged. Do you feel that is the case? Trying to make sense of his emotional journey is exhausting and ultimately pointless. Thsi is now about you.

 

 

thanks for your post.

 

as i stated, i ended the affair. not because i was feeling unloved or dishonoured. i felt loved. he was never disrespectful. we had a great communication. he cared for me.

 

i didn t feel secure or prioritized. i did not end it because he was bad with me or we didn t get along. on the contrary, i just ended it because it wasn t going anywhere. i wanted to have all this but not to share with his W. i can share him with his kids, but not with his W anymore.

 

this kind of confusion he has (from our conversations) became a confusion to me also. somehow it gave me hope knowing that he feels this way. him not doing anything about it well, that s another story. i am in no power to change his life. what was in my hands (so to speak) i did. i just wanna heal and be myself again. if he changes his mind, he knows where to find me

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