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Interesting Turn of Events with MM


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MyNameIsNotSusan

My marriage was over long ago, though my H and I stayed together for the kids and this was mutually agreed it was only for the kids (there was no romance whatsoever). After many years of feeling so lonely (close to 10), I did long for some kind of connection with someone and found myself in a full blown affair with a married man who was seemingly not happy, tired of living like roommates, etc. Our A carried on for years, we had a lot of contact with each other, and over time, nothing on his end really changed as he kept up the status quo. I continued down the path of separation. Just before my separation was to happen, MM ended our relationship. Please know that I had no intention of running off with MM. My separation had nothing to do with him and I can't say I'm devastated even now that it's over. I just had a feeling it would wind up like this. Deep down, I know it's all for the best as I'm looking forward to beginning my new life and really having a chance at a normal relationship again (someday, not for awhile but someday). But, I wonder what could possibly have caused him to decide to end as he did. He really didn't give a solid reason, more like a bunch of little reasons like I need to be out there and I need to be alone on my own, etc.

 

Since we broke up, he said he is hurting and lonely and down. I have accepted it 100% and I am picking up the pieces of my life (I feel a bit relieved actually.). But sometimes, I just shake my head and wonder if maybe he got scared, or felt pressured or if he only liked the thrill of being with someone married and unavailable? Just curious what any of your thoughts might be on this.

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dod you expect him to leave his marriage as well, although u didn t end yours for him?

 

what were your expectations?

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Ya know, my affair ended last year and in all honesty we could of resumed it, only because I was still in a fog. But I think for him that once the cat was out of the bag it wasn't as fun. It was almost like the thrill of screwing people over was the lure. I was separated for a bit last summer and he knew and did not call me once. What a ****!

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Most likely after you would have more expectations of the MM once you were fully separated. You say not, but once you are single it's unlikely that you will stay happy being somebody's secret and settling for limited time. MM probably sensed that the affair dynamics were changing and that you would become a threat to his marriage so he called it off.

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Ya know, my affair ended last year and in all honesty we could of resumed it, only because I was still in a fog. But I think for him that once the cat was out of the bag it wasn't as fun. It was almost like the thrill of screwing people over was the lure. I was separated for a bit last summer and he knew and did not call me once. What a ****!

 

Jos, He didn't call because his situation didn't change and he didn't want it to.

 

Once again its more proof that the emotional investment is far different for MM then MW. Also in sticking with the norm, its more likely that his marriage wasn't as bad as he led you to believe.

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MyNameIsNotSusan

I'm tending to agree, the lure of the forbidden wasn't as enticing once I became more available. I guess you could say he talked himself out of it. I'm still thrilled to be dealing with my marriage coming to an overdue ending, and not faking it anymore, and that really helps ease the pain of losing my AP. If I was stuck in the marriage and losing him, I'm sure it would have been much harder and much more depressing. I don't know, maybe I would have wanted to see him more, yes of course I would have, but I was used to getting what I had and that would have worked for a time. I guess it would have only been prolonging the inevitable though, if I really think about it. You ladies have amazing insight, thanks for the clarity!

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Southern Sun

I don't know, I tend to see it as a game-changer - right now, the situation is "balanced," you're both unhappily married (supposedly), both playing by the same rules. He sees that soon you will be out of the marriage, potentially able to date (even if not immediately). You aren't confined to the same rule book that he is. Perhaps he's realizing he can't expect the same situation anymore and it's making him uncomfortable and he'd rather just end it now than watch things go downhill, since he has no intention of doing anything different.

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Hope Shimmers
Jos, He didn't call because his situation didn't change and he didn't want it to.

 

Once again its more proof that the emotional investment is far different for MM then MW. Also in sticking with the norm, its more likely that his marriage wasn't as bad as he led you to believe.

 

I don't know, I tend to see it as a game-changer - right now, the situation is "balanced," you're both unhappily married (supposedly), both playing by the same rules. He sees that soon you will be out of the marriage, potentially able to date (even if not immediately). You aren't confined to the same rule book that he is. Perhaps he's realizing he can't expect the same situation anymore and it's making him uncomfortable and he'd rather just end it now than watch things go downhill, since he has no intention of doing anything different.

 

Both true. Men who are married or who are in relationships lie to OW in order to get what they want. Then when it gets difficult they run the other direction. It's just a fact, OP.

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This reminds me of an experience I had with XMM

we had a mutual agreement and understanding which was largely predicated on the fact that we were both married.

 

I hit a rocky patch with my H (I asked him to leave after punching a hole in the wall in front of our children and scaring them).

 

I didn't share these events with MM until he asked why my daily movements had changed significantly and I had no opportunity to meet with him (single parenting will do that), so I gave him the basics above.

 

He actually started distancing himself and at one stage he recommended H and I go to marriage counselling to get our marriage back on track so our affair could resume. I know. Messed up now that I write it out.

 

Your dynamic has changed. It's self preservation. While you were both married you both had something to lose. Now you don't. And he does.bwhildt you were happy to lose your marriage, clearly he isn't.

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Hope Shimmers
This reminds me of an experience I had with XMM

we had a mutual agreement and understanding which was largely predicated on the fact that we were both married.

 

I hit a rocky patch with my H (I asked him to leave after punching a hole in the wall in front of our children and scaring them).

 

I didn't share these events with MM until he asked why my daily movements had changed significantly and I had no opportunity to meet with him (single parenting will do that), so I gave him the basics above.

 

He actually started distancing himself and at one stage he recommended H and I go to marriage counselling to get our marriage back on track so our affair could resume. I know. Messed up now that I write it out.

 

Your dynamic has changed. It's self preservation. While you were both married you both had something to lose. Now you don't. And he does.bwhildt you were happy to lose your marriage, clearly he isn't.

 

Your H (ex-H?) sounds like my ex-H.

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My marriage was over long ago, though my H and I stayed together for the kids and this was mutually agreed it was only for the kids (there was no romance whatsoever). After many years of feeling so lonely (close to 10), I did long for some kind of connection with someone and found myself in a full blown affair with a married man who was seemingly not happy, tired of living like roommates, etc. Our A carried on for years, we had a lot of contact with each other, and over time, nothing on his end really changed as he kept up the status quo. I continued down the path of separation. Just before my separation was to happen, MM ended our relationship. Please know that I had no intention of running off with MM. My separation had nothing to do with him and I can't say I'm devastated even now that it's over. I just had a feeling it would wind up like this. Deep down, I know it's all for the best as I'm looking forward to beginning my new life and really having a chance at a normal relationship again (someday, not for awhile but someday). But, I wonder what could possibly have caused him to decide to end as he did. He really didn't give a solid reason, more like a bunch of little reasons like I need to be out there and I need to be alone on my own, etc.

 

Since we broke up, he said he is hurting and lonely and down. I have accepted it 100% and I am picking up the pieces of my life (I feel a bit relieved actually.). But sometimes, I just shake my head and wonder if maybe he got scared, or felt pressured or if he only liked the thrill of being with someone married and unavailable? Just curious what any of your thoughts might be on this.

 

He ended it out of fear that you would fully commit your time/energy/emotion to him. Which is a threat to his M. As long as you were M, albeit in a dead one, he had a certain security you wouldn't "go bunny boiler" to protect the status quo. Once that "balance" changed, you were a potential threat. So he bailed.

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gettingstronger

This is all hindsight and info gathered through discussions with my husband as well as their emails, texts, etc..

 

There was a period where they did not talk for about three months-

 

Our OW told my husband she was in a bad marriage- at one point she said she filed for divorce, he immediately ceased all contact with no warning- in his mind the relationship had become uneven and she could possibly get more invested in him or more demanding-

 

About three months later, she contacted him and said her husband refused to sign the papers (a lie, they were never filed- I think she was testing him) so he was like- OK when do you want to meet-

 

To me there are so many red flags where one person is getting more invested in than the other- when its the woman, the man usually just backs off- I think the men are more honest about their feelings when they say, this is only XYZ and nothing else-its the women that seem to change and want to mold it in to something else-

 

Again, just my experience with our OW and what I see on here, which is skewed because its usually women that post-

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Honestly you should never have expectations over something you can't ever see coming true. Only a vision it is you see.

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He really didn't give a solid reason, more like a bunch of little reasons like I need to be out there and I need to be alone on my own, etc.

 

This is what you should believe.

 

He knows you deserve more and that he can't give you what you need right now, which is a full relationship. Also, they can't bear the thought of seeing you dating other men, to watch you slip away right before his eyes into another man's arms, which he knows you will (it's only logical).

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MyNameIsNotSusan
This is what you should believe.

 

He knows you deserve more and that he can't give you what you need right now, which is a full relationship. Also, they can't bear the thought of seeing you dating other men, to watch you slip away right before his eyes into another man's arms, which he knows you will (it's only logical).

 

I tend to believe this yes, he was always very caring and looked out for me in many situations. He has expressed fears about me dating in the future, despite me saying I wasn't going to. While in the A, I really didn't have the desire to start something up with someone new and still have no plans to remarry ever. I'm not angry with him, I was just surprised with the timing of it all.

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Both true. Men who are married or who are in relationships lie to OW in order to get what they want. Then when it gets difficult they run the other direction. It's just a fact, OP.

 

 

Hope, I couldn't agree more. My exMM told his BW 22 days ago that he had seen a lawyer and wanted to finish it. I've not heard from him since. (except through his lawyer which I have news on so will update my thread later)

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MyNameIsNotSusan
Both true. Men who are married or who are in relationships lie to OW in order to get what they want. Then when it gets difficult they run the other direction. It's just a fact, OP.

 

I'm trying to wrap my head around this as it's so out of character for him or the him I thought I knew. I admit I did plan to lean on him for emotional support during my transition and never in a million years, thought he would bail like this. On a positive note, it's a very valuable lesson, that for the first time in my life I need to work on myself and depend on me. I plan to date myself and put the time and energy into me. I'll let you know how I do with that. :D

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