Specific to the OM/OW Forum why are you here?

[NewLeaf512]

I was thinking today that this forum has many folks currently in a lot of emotional pain, self inflicted or for some blindsided by pain at the hands of others. The pain experience ranges from brand new to years later and in varied stages of recovery.

 

For the most part, there is also a lot of shame and feelings of unreality. I'd say the majority of posts I've read have been from people seeking understanding, expressing pain and trying to get some equilibrium for the same reason: to make amends somehow if it can happen, recover and heal.

 

What's ironic is that most of us share a common denominator:WS

 

I came here because I knew I had done something wrong. Really wrong. My mind was spinning. I wanted to understand what was an acceptable way even if it was trivial to BW or find out if that was a terrible idea. I came to do a brain dump of all of the feelings I had that were often contrary. To hear other people's stories so I didn't feel alone. To get guidance and ideas to try to heal not just me but anyone else if I could. To anonymously dump my sh**ty story and hold the mirror up to my face and have you all encourage, challenge, give opinions and judgements to help me gain understanding. It hasn't always been easy to read some of the posts, but I took them all on board because having a holistic view is the cornerstone of critical thinking.

 

Today I saw a series of what I would call attacks. I'm befuddled by this behaviour. A lot of helpful content gets lost in the intense blistering that I read today. Yes sometimes the truth about ourselves is hard to read. I question the motivation of any poster who is attacking the OP. What is the purpose? I think difficult comments can be handled differently. If you are holding on to anger perhaps due to your pain, it doesn't make sense to me to let rip on an anonymous person who generally is in deep pain too. if you are angry because of infidelity you have experienced in your own life, perhaps it's best directed at the person / people who caused it. Civility costs naught.

 

So now you know why I am here. Why are you?

[Dela]

I was thinking today that this forum has many folks currently in a lot of emotional pain, self inflicted or for some blindsided by pain at the hands of others. The pain experience ranges from brand new to years later and in varied stages of recovery.

 

For the most part, there is also a lot of shame and feelings of unreality. I'd say the majority of posts I've read have been from people seeking understanding, expressing pain and trying to get some equilibrium for the same reason: to make amends somehow if it can happen, recover and heal.

 

What's ironic is that most of us share a common denominator:WS

 

I came here because I knew I had done something wrong. Really wrong. My mind was spinning. I wanted to understand what was an acceptable way even if it was trivial to BW or find out if that was a terrible idea. I came to do a brain dump of all of the feelings I had that were often contrary. To hear other people's stories so I didn't feel alone. To get guidance and ideas to try to heal not just me but anyone else if I could. To anonymously dump my sh**ty story and hold the mirror up to my face and have you all encourage, challenge, give opinions and judgements to help me gain understanding. It hasn't always been easy to read some of the posts, but I took them all on board because having a holistic view is the cornerstone of critical thinking.

 

Today I saw a series of what I would call attacks. I'm befuddled by this behaviour. A lot of helpful content gets lost in the intense blistering that I read today. Yes sometimes the truth about ourselves is hard to read. I question the motivation of any poster who is attacking the OP. What is the purpose? I think difficult comments can be handled differently. If you are holding on to anger perhaps due to your pain, it doesn't make sense to me to let rip on an anonymous person who generally is in deep pain too. if you are angry because of infidelity you have experienced in your own life, perhaps it's best directed at the person / people who caused it. Civility costs naught.

 

So now you know why I am here. Why are you?

 

 

i signed up on this forum because i knew i will find women in my situation, that will understand what i m going thru and will not be judgemental.

 

also i wanted to help people here as much as i can, share our stories, learn from each others mistakes, be there for each other. i always said that no one can trully understand what i m going thru unless they ve been going thru the same.

 

when i ended my A, a friend of mine told me "hmm, well, u knew this will happen sooner or later." as if my pain is not even justified or real because i was in an A. that didn t help me.

 

i found wonderful people here. it s a great support group. i agree we shouldn t say hurtful things to others just because we are hurt or mad at ourselves.

but SOMETIMES other people see our story from another point of view and i appreciate when someone just tells me right in my face the things i don t see or i don t want to see.

 

it is good being here and it has helped me a lot. thank u all

[jen1447]

So now you know why I am here. Why are you?

 

I don't pay much attention to the forum categories honestly, just browse new posts. So it's all like one big forum. But I'm "here to help" in general.

 

As to negativity and criticism, there will always be those types of ppl.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm here trying to make my life better. I know I have things to work through and my goal is to find happiness with another person, if that's in the cards for me. Or if not, then with myself.

 

Sometimes being here - getting feedback from others in what seems like a harsh manner - can cause someone to think that they are a huge dysfunctional mess. I feel like parts of my life are like that at times, but overall I am an extremely strong woman and I have it together. No dysfunctional mess here.

 

I just think too much sometimes. I also forgive too easily. And I care too much for people. I am too sensitive for my own good.

[wizer]

Today I saw a series of what I would call attacks.

 

Link?

 

.....

[NewLeaf512]

I guess to summarise: a message that can help even if it's hard to hear doesn't always get heard if it gets shot like arrows. Delivery is everything. I take all comments whether I like them or not, and sometimes the truth is painful. The truth handed over in a lit stick of dynamite seems counterintuitive

[wizer]

People in crisis have thin skin, they're going to be very reactive to even the slightest bit of criticism. Then you've got well meaning advice givers who "trigger" because they identify and relate to the person telling the story and they react with a passion, releasing all that pent up emotion that has never been resolved and has nowhere else to go.

 

I'm here because I've had my share of relationship problems including a messy divorce, giving support to others is somewhat cathartic, and there's always something to learn from the words of others.

 

There are stories I read about where it makes no sense whatsoever for the betrayed spouse to try to reconcile, they're being disrespected, scorned, abused, mistreated, whatever, and they're like the person who made it safely out of the car wreck only to start crawling back towards the flames. As spectators, who know better, we want to scream at the person to stop them from making what we KNOW is going to be the biggest mistake of their lives, and that frustration sometimes results in heavy handed advice.

[cocorico]

 

So now you know why I am here. Why are you?

 

I'm a fOW who has been happily married to my fMM for many years now. I'm here to provide a counter-narrative, and to support OW and others who are making their way through confusing and often painful situations, who need more than simply being hit over the head with cliches.

[Dela]

I'm a fOW who has been happily married to my fMM for many years now. I'm here to provide a counter-narrative, and to support OW and others who are making their way through confusing and often painful situations, who need more than simply being hit over the head with cliches.

 

 

wow, u re one of the lucky ones. any magic secret?

i left my MM few days ago and i m in hell...

thanks

[Confused48]

wow, u re one of the lucky ones. any magic secret?

i left my MM few days ago and i m in hell...

thanks

 

Dela - you are lucky. You dodged a bullet. You may not see it that way today but soon. You deserve better than to end up with a lying cheating man.

 

I'm here, a BS, on this side of LS, bc I do want to understand the mindset of the WS. It is sad to say that attacks, on even repentant WS, are all to common on the infidelity side. So I come here where they are relatively safe. I like to think I'm helpful too, to repentant WS. Or those unrepentant ones who are looking to end the affair.

 

I try to stay away from those posting about how happy they are in their affair. I find that sickening. They come over to infidelity though too, to gloat. So there is no escape really.

 

Bests wishes to you in your recovery.

[autumnnight]

I guess to summarise: a message that can help even if it's hard to hear doesn't always get heard if it gets shot like arrows. Delivery is everything. I take all comments whether I like them or not, and sometimes the truth is painful. The truth handed over in a lit stick of dynamite seems counterintuitive

 

It is a chosen lack of self-control, plain and simple. Unless someone lacks any semblance of emotional intelligence and ability to communicate, one CAN choose to phrase even the toughest truths with humanity and tact.

 

When someone doesn't, it is because they don't WANT to, plain and simple. The same people who claim "they just can't help it" when treating someone on a forum with disdain wouldn't talk to their boss that way no matter how bad a day they were having.

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleting the rude part

[Hope Shimmers]

I think many people are here (and the infidelity forum, maybe especially that one) because they are 'stuck'.

 

They can't move forward (or they won't) but they can't deal with the reality of their lives either.

 

I think I have been 'stuck'. Refusing to move forward. Instead focusing way too much time and energy with a man (2 men technically) who was unavailable. Trying to make myself believe they were - or would someday be - available.

 

Why was that ever good enough for me? It's really easy to feel like garbage, like you're not good enough, when these men dump you to the curb after they are done using you. But the reality is that THEY were the ones who were not good enough for ME. I want a strong man, not a conflict-avoidant one who can't make a decision or do the right thing.

 

So I've been on here wasting all this time asking myself if ex-MM is 'worthy'. No he's not worthy. WTF, why would I even think that? It took him all these years to ask about his daughter? Why now?

 

Time to move FORWARD. Finally. Instead of remaining endlessly stuck in this land of infidelity. It does not define me. It is NOT me.

[Sassy Girl]

It is a chosen lack of self-control, plain and simple. Unless someone lacks any semblance of emotional intelligence and ability to communicate, one CAN choose to phrase even the toughest truths with humanity and tact.

 

When someone doesn't, it is because they don't WANT to, plain and simple. The same people who claim "they just can't help it" when treating someone on a forum with disdain wouldn't talk to their boss that way no matter how bad a day they were having.

 

 

 

Why am I here? To get real. But that's funny because what you see posted on these forums is not real. Personally, I like to keep all my discussion here in the forum, in public. I'll own everything I say. I invite people to use the alert function.

 

Some don't think that way, and what become increasingly obvious lately is that there is a lot of stuff going on in the private message space which not only contravenes community guidelines, but is NOT in the spirit of the community. Online affairs, trash talking about other members, spreading of gossip and outright abuse. And this is just the stuff I gather through the public postings. Personally I think this undermines the forum when this all goes underground.

 

So this was one place I could be real. And get real. Why am I here now? Good question.

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope Shimmers]

It is a chosen lack of self-control, plain and simple. Unless someone lacks any semblance of emotional intelligence and ability to communicate, one CAN choose to phrase even the toughest truths with humanity and tact.

 

When someone doesn't, it is because they don't WANT to, plain and simple. The same people who claim "they just can't help it" when treating someone on a forum with disdain wouldn't talk to their boss that way no matter how bad a day they were having.

 

I agree.

 

There is simply no reason to treat people like punching bags when they are here to get advice and support. It's one of the reasons I have continued to post - to try to balance that out. You can be honest and real without being cruel.

[NewLeaf512]

It is a chosen lack of self-control, plain and simple. Unless someone lacks any semblance of emotional intelligence and ability to communicate, one CAN choose to phrase even the toughest truths with humanity and tact.

 

When someone doesn't, it is because they don't WANT to, plain and simple. The same people who claim "they just can't help it" when treating someone on a forum with disdain wouldn't talk to their boss that way no matter how bad a day they were having.

 

Thank you. Very eloquently said. We are pretty similar in that we have suffered some how. I love hearing the stories and absorbing the wisdom from all sides. I also don't understand some views, not because they are wrong, but because I haven't gotten there yet. I'm really only taking right now. Hopefully further along I'll be able to support someone else here too the way i have been supported.

 

If there is hope for this to remain a place of understanding, honesty and sharing ideas, stories, advice both good and hard to hear, it has to feel safe. So as I am here to get advice and guidance it didn't feel safe earlier, I'm opening my robe to show my shame and ask for help please don't attack and dehuminisimg. I hope to be able to use this forum to grow in myself, share what I've learned, and one day be so heathy I can say farewell ant soar out of here on my new wings that you all will have helped me build. Can't wait!

[NewLeaf512]

Why am I here? To get real. But that's funny because what you see posted on these forums is not real. Personally, I like to keep all my discussion here in the forum, in public. I'll own everything I say. I invite people to use the alert function.

 

Some don't think that way, and what become increasingly obvious lately is that there is a lot of stuff going on in the private message space which not only contravenes community guidelines, but is NOT in the spirit of the community. Online affairs, trash talking about other members, spreading of gossip and outright abuse. And this is just the stuff I gather through the public postings. Personally I think this undermines the forum when this all goes underground.

 

So this was one place I could be real. And get real. Why am I here now? Good question.

 

Maybe I'm too new to understand all that but what I think you are saying that people are messaging about other members? If this is true it must stop. That's how 13 year olds behave. Transparency is everything. I'm sorry I don't yet know your story, but hopefully everyone is being "real". What got me here in the first place was cognitive dissonance and not being real with myself and others. Your comments about being real came over to me as borderline hostile. Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you'

[jwi71]

Why are you?

 

Lime most BS, I wanted to know what would make a man pursue a MW. It was a mindset wholly unfamiliar to me. And lets be honest, some displaced anger as well - I earned my earlier infractions!

 

Over time, as I healed and learned I became intellectually curious.

 

And I learned and grew...and, oddly enough, reading here humanized OM/OW (ok, that took a few years but it happened). Helped ME find peace. Helped ME heal. Taught me, in no small part, how to forgive - not a religious thing - an emotional one.

 

So, selfish reasons to begin.

 

Now I come because, well, many people tend to the BS. Too often, perhaps deservedly so, society looks poorly upon the AP, I felt they need some help too. I figured one voice, even from the "other side" might help.

 

(And the other side, sheesh, brutal. I almost NEVER post there. )

 

And, anyone else smiling like a Cheshire cat at the whole AM debacle. I have to admit I find the whole thing funny in a sadistic way. It isn't, but...dayum...they're are some squirming WS out there now.

(I have yet to find any sympathy for the WS - don't suppose I will tbh).

[NewLeaf512]

Lime most BS, I wanted to know what would make a man pursue a MW. It was a mindset wholly unfamiliar to me. And lets be honest, some displaced anger as well - I earned my earlier infractions!

 

Over time, as I healed and learned I became intellectually curious.

 

And I learned and grew...and, oddly enough, reading here humanized OM/OW (ok, that took a few years but it happened). Helped ME find peace. Helped ME heal. Taught me, in no small part, how to forgive - not a religious thing - an emotional one.

 

So, selfish reasons to begin.

 

Now I come because, well, many people tend to the BS. Too often, perhaps deservedly so, society looks poorly upon the AP, I felt they need some help too. I figured one voice, even from the "other side" might help.

 

(And the other side, sheesh, brutal. I almost NEVER post there. )

 

And, anyone else smiling like a Cheshire cat at the whole AM debacle. I have to admit I find the whole thing funny in a sadistic way. It isn't, but...dayum...they're are some squirming WS out there now.

(I have yet to find any sympathy for the WS - don't suppose I will tbh).

 

Hanks for your post it's very insightful. Most people are likely to be highly emotionally charged when they land here no matter which part of the triangle they are on. I don't understand the AM reference but you've given hope that healing can happen for me too.

[Popsicle]

Lime most BS, I wanted to know what would make a man pursue a MW. It was a mindset wholly unfamiliar to me. And lets be honest, some displaced anger as well - I earned my earlier infractions!

 

Over time, as I healed and learned I became intellectually curious.

 

And I learned and grew...and, oddly enough, reading here humanized OM/OW (ok, that took a few years but it happened). Helped ME find peace. Helped ME heal. Taught me, in no small part, how to forgive - not a religious thing - an emotional one.

 

So, selfish reasons to begin.

 

Now I come because, well, many people tend to the BS. Too often, perhaps deservedly so, society looks poorly upon the AP, I felt they need some help too. I figured one voice, even from the "other side" might help.

 

(And the other side, sheesh, brutal. I almost NEVER post there. )

 

And, anyone else smiling like a Cheshire cat at the whole AM debacle. I have to admit I find the whole thing funny in a sadistic way. It isn't, but...dayum...they're are some squirming WS out there now.

(I have yet to find any sympathy for the WS - don't suppose I will tbh).

 

Thank you. You are a very kind person.

[Dreamworld]

I came here two years ago to help understand myself and why I got into an affair with a married man, having been a betrayed spouse myself. His wife caught us and after the affair I went through a lot of growth and introspection.

 

 

I remember someone messaging me privately stating I seemed an anamoly, because I was an OW who did NOT want my MM to leave his wife, because the arrangement was so convenient for me at the time. I didn't want him to myself at all. I liked the fact I could get the sex and attention of a relationship without the hard parts of the relationship and have my own time while he was being husband and father to his family. I know, messed up. But I was very messed up then. I didn't even care to know the wife, the more intangible and vague a figure she remained the easier it was for me to pursue my selfish agenda. Less guilt. Again I was really messed up.

 

 

Since then I am over my problems for the most part (hopefully) but now I like to post about other things and read others' opinions here.

[RainDown]

Why am I here? To get real. But that's funny because what you see posted on these forums is not real. Personally, I like to keep all my discussion here in the forum, in public. I'll own everything I say. I invite people to use the alert function.

 

Some don't think that way, and what become increasingly obvious lately is that there is a lot of stuff going on in the private message space which not only contravenes community guidelines, but is NOT in the spirit of the community. Online affairs, trash talking about other members, spreading of gossip and outright abuse. And this is just the stuff I gather through the public postings. Personally I think this undermines the forum when this all goes underground.

 

So this was one place I could be real. And get real. Why am I here now? Good question.

 

Yeah, I've been the recipient of some of that. People have messaged me things they dare not say on the open boards without getting an infraction. Apparently it bugs certain people that I'm an OW (many times over) who just had a really good time with several APs for a very long time and never suffered any consequences for it. I am, according to some, the worst kind of OW - the one who's just playing around having a good old time without even having the "I fell in love" excuse. OW are supposed to be weak, pathetic creatures who get strung along by lying MM and then curl up crying on the floor when MM throws them under the bus. That's the kind of OW people want to see here and even then, some take immense joy at kicking them when they're down because they "deserve" it.

 

Lots of stuff goes on behind the scenes here - including being hit on by *gasp* married men using private messaging. And BSs wanting my help to trap their WS into incriminating themselves with me.

 

I don't read private messages anymore. I figure if someone has something to say to me they can say it in front of everyone on the open board.

 

Yes, most people seem to be here for legit support/advice or to provide support/advice, but there is way more going on at LS than meets the eye.

 

In answer to the original question, I come here off and on because I find relationships interesting, particularly relationship triangles. Some of the discussions continue to help me understand my own role in all that past nonsense and I learn a lot from the struggles of others here.

Edited July 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NewLeaf512]

Hi Everyone... I really appreciate the insights so far provided. I was merely wanting to know what brought YOU particularly to LS and what you gave or got from it.

 

 

I recognise from some posts here that even in what I perceive to be a healing place some other dynamic is involved, which may need to be discussed. May I suggest opening another thread to do so?

 

 

Thanks

[still_an_Angel]

I stumbled upon LS when I was reading on these types of relationships. I've said a lot on LS that only a couple of people know about me. My kinky life, my activities in the bdsm community, and my relationship with my MM is a far cry from my public image. So I find it easier to breathe here.

 

 

I have learned a lot from other OWs and BS from here. I've never taken my A lightly as I know it goes against a lot of things in my life. My A has been a smoother flow than most stories here, but that doesn't mean it doesn't cut me up as much as the other OWs here. My story is not over yet, and I don't know if I'll be as strong as the other OWs who I can only admire from afar as I read their heartaches, struggles and pain. When my time comes, I have hopefully prepared myself for how broken I will be.

[Dela]

Dela - you are lucky. You dodged a bullet. You may not see it that way today but soon. You deserve better than to end up with a lying cheating man.

 

I'm here, a BS, on this side of LS, bc I do want to understand the mindset of the WS. It is sad to say that attacks, on even repentant WS, are all to common on the infidelity side. So I come here where they are relatively safe. I like to think I'm helpful too, to repentant WS. Or those unrepentant ones who are looking to end the affair.

 

I try to stay away from those posting about how happy they are in their affair. I find that sickening. They come over to infidelity though too, to gloat. So there is no escape really.

 

Bests wishes to you in your recovery.

 

 

thank u.

 

but u said u are happily married to ur exMM. maybe u have some advice from ur experience for the OW here who are still involved or hoping to get back to their MM (not many As as i know have a happy end)

 

 

You deserve better than to end up with a lying cheating man.

 

and yet many OW end up with them and are happy.

 

i m sorry but i just don t understand your post.

[Dela]

thank u.

 

But u said u are happily married to ur exmm. Maybe u have some advice from ur experience for the ow here who are still involved or hoping to get back to their mm (not many as as i know have a happy end)

 

 

you deserve better than to end up with a lying cheating man.

 

and yet many ow end up with them and are happy.

 

I m sorry but i just don t understand your post.

 

 

oh, i m sorry. I thought u are cocorico, the woman who posted last night.

Sorry, didn t have my coffee yet )