Popsicle Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I have a friend (single) who really want to talk about her A with me but I don't want to talk about it. Am I being mean? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 No. You are not being mean. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 No. You are not being mean. Am I being selfish? What if she needs someone to talk to? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Nope, not mean at all. You can tell her - point blank - that you have known too many hurt spouses and that anything she tells you, YOU might be compelled to tell her husband. That should shut her up. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 You're not being mean and you have the right to set that boundary. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 Nope, not mean at all. You can tell her - point blank - that you have known too many hurt spouses and that anything she tells you, YOU might be compelled to tell her husband. That should shut her up. She's not married she's single. But I know too many single OW who have been hurt by A's and I told her this. I'm sure she thinks she's different and that's her perogative but I really don't care to keep hearing about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 You're not being mean and you have the right to set that boundary. Thanks. I feel like ****. But I have to do it... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 No, I've done the same in the past, even when it wasn't an affair but rather an on-again, off-again bad relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I have a friend (single) who really want to talk about her A with me but I don't want to talk about it. Am I being mean? No not all, especially since it may bring up old emotions for you. Sometimes we need to focus on ourselves and what is the healthiest decision for US. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Why don't you want to talk to her about it? Why does she want to talk about it? Is she on the fence about ending it? Or is she happy and proud? Depends. You might be able to help her get out of her A by talking her through it. To put walls up around any part of a friend's life isn't real friendship, IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Most people have a difficult time setting boundaries...because most feel "mean" doing so. Once we take that first leap and set a clear boundary we realize how easy it truly is. We also then realize...that it is okay...heck more than okay to be "selfish" in this regard. Too often nowadays people expect us to always say "yes" to everything they want/feel. I live by the code....your rights end...where mine begin. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Popsicle, when you put a shingle above your door and she begins to pay you, then it is your job to hear whatever she wants to say and help her. Until then, if her A makes you uncomfortable for personal reasons, you have no obligation. A friend who cannot respect another friend's personal boundary is not much of a friend. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Am I being selfish? What if she needs someone to talk to? I don't think its mean either. Or selfish. But I'm not sure that makes you a great friend to her now - when she may need you the most. I wonder if you could guess why she chooses you to approach? And perhaps the best thing to say is your truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I always ask people not to tell me their guilty secrets, because I don't want to be a co-owner of them. Private things maybe, but gulty secrets never. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Why don't you want to talk to her about it? Why does she want to talk about it? Is she on the fence about ending it? Or is she happy and proud? Depends. You might be able to help her get out of her A by talking her through it. To put walls up around any part of a friend's life isn't real friendship, IMO. So if your friend steals something, you'd talk with her about the best place to hide it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I wonder if you could guess why she chooses you to approach? Good point. Does she know about your experiences, and I wonder if she is talking to you because of this? If the answer is no, she may just think you give good advice. However, from the sounds of it, it does sound like she unfortunately is still in the phase of "Oh this one's different, he'll never hurt me...". If that's the case, you can't really do much but pity her. You know that first hand. As for you being selfish, absolutely not. It may be very painful to talk about to you, or you just may not want to be burdened by it, as Satu said. Unfortunately, with most people, there are boundaries. (I say 'most' because I think we all have that one best friend where that doesn't apply). If she still wants to yack your ear off, sit her down gently and try to explain WHY you don't want to converse about it. She may get it then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I personally think your smart for not wanting to talk to her about it. Life is stressful enough the way it is to add stuff like that. I would just tell her "We can be friends but as far as that part of your life I really don't want to know about it or talk about it." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I have told friends before over other things, "I love you, but I just cannot feel comfortable talking about X because we see things so differently." I have only had one person get all huffy about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I have a friend (single) who really want to talk about her A with me but I don't want to talk about it. Am I being mean? Did you talk to her about your affair? If so, then on some level it is unfair of you to not be there for her if she was there for you during yours. If no, then just tell her that you can't cope with hearing about it right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 (edited) I think about this from the other perspective. I have literally ONE friend I've spoken with about my affair, and she was a person who has helped me get out. So it was a means to an end and is not an ongoing conversation. Otherwise, I can just tell, even with very close friends, that it would be wrong to burden them. I think it is a perfectly acceptable boundary; if you're not comfortable, you shouldn't feel guilty for telling her no. Why don't you direct her to LS? Edited July 11, 2015 by Southern Sun Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted July 11, 2015 Author Share Posted July 11, 2015 Thank you all for your thoughts. For the record, she is not trying to get out of the A. We met up for a few hours tonight and she did bring his name up but then immediately said "But I know I'm not supposed to talk about that. Hehe". I suppose at that moment she wanted me to say "No, it's okay you can talk about it" but I didn't. After that, it didn't come up again for the night, but I do think she will continue to talk about it with one liners, followed up "But I know I'm not supposed to talk about that hehe". She is a talker and can't hold water. I'm sure I will have to remind her again. Unlike earlier in the day when I started this thread, I don't feel any obligation anymore to listen to her talk about this. And no, she wasn't there for me when I had my A because she is a fairly new friend and my A was pretty much over by the time we met. Plus, I don't need to talk about mine anymore. She has many friends, I'm sure she'll find a different one to talk about this particular subject with. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 To put walls up around any part of a friend's life isn't real friendship, IMO. This is true for me as well. I don't have boundaries on what my friends or family choose to share with me. They take advantage of that sometimes (e.g., talking something to death) but I just let it roll. I'm a much better listener than a talker anyway, and I prefer to be around talkative outgoing people. It works for me. I do make those boundaries with "light" friends and acquaintances though. But that's more like avoiding certain subjects to maintain an appropriate level of intimacy with them, than drawing a line in the sand. But that's me. Everyone has the right to set their own standards of interacting with their friends... and so do their friends. If the twain don't meet, you have to choose whether to accept & continue the friendship or back away from it. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I don't think you are being mean. We all have topics that we'd rather not talk about. A friend who had a child pass away from cancer is a topic that she doesn't talk about. I know this and am sensitive about it. I respect her feelings not to venture into this topic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 I have a friend (single) who really want to talk about her A with me but I don't want to talk about it. Am I being mean? No it's not mean. You're totally free to not want to talk about it. If it's not conducive to your well-being or in alignment with where you are currently and what you want to give head space to then it's perfectly reasonable to decline. Friendships are like relationships, they work well when you're on similar wavelengths and fall apart when you're not. Can you talk about it a little or you don't want to at all? I have a friend in an A for 6 years now, and we talk about it a little, but she's self-aware and also realizes that she's been crying about this MM for years now and has gotten great advice from all her friends who care about her, and if she still chooses to stay, that's fine, but it's not fair to drag us through it too when this wasn't our life choice. So it's not like she can NEVER bring it up, but it's self-centered to stay in a self-imposed situation for years and expect that even though your friends don't agree they should ALWAYS talk about it. This wasn't an A, but I had a friend in a very dysfunctional relationship that brought her more hardship and drama than anything else and initially I felt being a good friend was constantly giving advice, constantly listening, constantly being her shoulder to cry on...until I realized our friendship was mostly one-sided with me counseling her through her problems or being an unwilling mediator between her and her bf. It got old fast and we grew apart (along with everyone else she was friends with). We slowly became friends again but we never got as close as we used to be, and pretty much now she NEVER brings him up and I'm sorry, I prefer it that way. She will never leave this guy, which is her right, but friendships are two ways, if you don't want to leave your messed up scenario, fine...but don't spend most of your time with your friends talking about it, dragging them into it, having your bf stalk them etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thank you all for your thoughts. For the record, she is not trying to get out of the A. We met up for a few hours tonight and she did bring his name up but then immediately said "But I know I'm not supposed to talk about that. Hehe". I suppose at that moment she wanted me to say "No, it's okay you can talk about it" but I didn't. After that, it didn't come up again for the night, but I do think she will continue to talk about it with one liners, followed up "But I know I'm not supposed to talk about that hehe". She is a talker and can't hold water. I'm sure I will have to remind her again. Unlike earlier in the day when I started this thread, I don't feel any obligation anymore to listen to her talk about this. And no, she wasn't there for me when I had my A because she is a fairly new friend and my A was pretty much over by the time we met. Plus, I don't need to talk about mine anymore. She has many friends, I'm sure she'll find a different one to talk about this particular subject with. Just set your boundaries and stick to them. Even more so since she is in the midst of her affair and has no intention of ending it, she doesn't need help, she just wants to gab about it. You have every right to not want to hear about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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