AnotherSadSong Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 How does true love feel? I have forgotten being mixed up in an affair for so long. I read one poster here mention how fantastic it is. Could you give us the comparisons. I think this helps the mind focus on how miserable, semi-abusive and self torturous these relationships are. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 you feel safe and free 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'm not in a new relationship, but dating, and reminded: it's not selfish, it's not only when convenient, it's not a fraction of a life. It's all in. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherSadSong Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I cannot wait to start dating again. I think the only positives of being in such an unbalanced and painful relationship will be the knowledge and power to knock out the, oh so not too good men, the jerks, players, and other disordered. It will be an even playing field with a giant defensive team on our side. Link to post Share on other sites
m4p Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It's simply about not having to live your life revolving around someone else and the crumbs they give you. It's about not having to look over your shoulder or participate in deceit. It's about asking for what you want in life/relationships and actually getting it- from someone who loves you and will try their best to make you happy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I think realizing your well being matters, and having someone in your life who also wants what is best for you is the biggest boon to a legit relationship. Someone who can be there and not have to sneak. To not be hidden. Give yourself some time. Make sure you are your best you so that you can reciprocate the wonderful things that a loving partner can give. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 (edited) A relationship with a single man is very healing. Despite being very mentally strong, my affair was very stressful. It plays games with your head to move between two lives, even for the OW. One is you with the MM, the other is you keeping a huge secret. It's not healthy. The best aspects are simply a given for anyone not in an affair.... Transparency, honesty, the freedom to contact at anytime, the freedom to EXIST versus being a secret. I loved not worrying about anyone seeing us, planning things and actually doing them, living in today with a reasonable expectation of tomorrow, introducing our children to each other, going on vacations together, etc. No one paid the price for our happiness. Our children don't see either of us as a reason our divorces. Our memories of first meeting are fun and light. I sleep in our bed in our home every night with him. He is a constant in my life in a positive way, and he takes care of me and our children. He doesn't make excuses and he always keeps his promises. He has actions and is present. That's what love is supposed to be. Edited July 6, 2015 by HappyAgain2014 10 Link to post Share on other sites
TerraIncognita Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 It took me a while to get used to "normal" and accept that we don't need to hide, he will call and show up when he said he would, that he is honest and straightforward and I am not his dirty little secret, and he can and wants to spend the night. The list goes on... It is amazing to be in a relationship with an emotionally healthy and available man. I am so happy I broke up with my lover, as hard as it was to walk away from him. I am so much happier and healthier now, thanks to my bf. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 True love is authentic and safe with no lying, faking, uneasiness, sneaking around, competing, draining, aggravating, lonely...I could go on and on True love does not feel like an addiction! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 It's knowing that you are at the top of his priority list, as opposed to several places down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherSadSong Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 It's knowing that you are at the top of his priority list, as opposed to several places down. It is so offensive and downgrading, that feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherSadSong Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I am also big into gift giving. I love to give as well, of course, to receive. I want to be the priority of such things. It will be so above all this. I cannot believe I shut myself off for so long finding something special. I was afraid to fail and was avoiding it. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm not currently in a relationship, and it's not that after the A you'll automatically find "true love." Especially for me, I realized the A was just one in a pattern of emotionally unavailable men, except in the A his unavailability included actually being in another relationship. It's something I had to work on and identify the pattern and try to choose differently. However, my first real relationship after the A, I posted about it before, where I remember it just hit me one day that I couldn't be in an A again, because no matter the actual feelings (which as we know As don't lack), if the actual logistics don't make sense, it makes no sense. It hit me when my new boyfriend and I had just finished hanging out at the park with his son and then from there we headed to his mom's house for Sunday dinner with his brother and his brother's wife and I was helping his mom make a salad and we were all hanging out. I had been dating my new boyfriend for about 2 months or so when this happened and I had been in the A about 2 YEARS and never met his mom, never met his son (though I'd seen pictures and once he randomly put his son on the phone), never been to his home. I saw the HUGE difference between hearing second hand about his life and actually being a participant where his friends and family know I am his SO, they ask about me, they invite us as a couple to events etc...it felt SO GOOD and I had almost forgotten what that felt like. That to me is what the "fantasy" is. It's not that the A has no real feelings or isn't life, it's that it's limited and much of it is looking in from the outside, or from the wings, or hearing stories, seeing pictures, but never really participating FULLY in their lives. When I was in the kitchen helping his mom, and several other times when he came to my family events or we did things as a couple was when I thought back to the A and how I technically knew and "dated" my exAP much longer, yet in the years, we never did much of these very simple things you take for granted.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherSadSong Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 There is so much truth to that MissBee. I am thoughtful now that I will have many ups and downs with dating, but the ride will so much better and less painful then this road. I no longer fear failure and I am going to take my sweet time and enjoy the ride and have fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 There is so much truth to that MissBee. I am thoughtful now that I will have many ups and downs with dating, but the ride will so much better and less painful then this road. I no longer fear failure and I am going to take my sweet time and enjoy the ride and have fun. Right. It wasn't a case of leaving the A then immediately meeting my "true love." I had other heartbreaks and ups and downs with dating, and I even ended up dating my exAP in an open context for a bit too. But ultimately, even though I'm no longer with any of those people I much preferred those relationships to an A context. One major reason was that when most of my relationships ended, I knew why. We had an honest go more or less and it didn't work and I could move on without the whole "what if" star-crossed drama of the A where it's easier to cling to hope that it was all these external things why it didn't work. I think that's difficult for many people. With the A it often ends on a cliff-hanger or this idealized idea that "if only...." whereas if you have an open relationship that doesn't work it's easier to feel that it ran its course and you just weren't a match etc. instead of it solely being about other external things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherSadSong Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I cannot think of anything that may be more soul crushing and a swipe at self esteem then these affairs. They are god awful and this is an understatement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherSadSong Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I have lost so much time and too many years in this mess. And alone. I have a lot to do. I have a high end luxury fast mobile that I never had a passenger in!...a single gorgeous man to zip around with the CD on and the windows down at sundown, laughing and talking. Thank you for the replies and there is so much more. I cannot believe I have isolated myself for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
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