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What makes the MM trust the single OW?


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Was thinking about it and xMM sure put a lot of trust in me. I could have blown up his world and destroyed his life at any second. Why did he even trust me that much not to do it? He didn't know me well enough to know that I wouldn't for sure. What made him put his trust in me, why? Is it arrogance or desperation?

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I wonder about this, too.

 

We did know each other for a long time, had confided in each other a lot, and he knew my character and how private I am. I assume that he believed I wouldn't blow up his world, because I'd effectively blow up mine.

 

But he's also very inexperienced with women, having really only dated his wife his whole life. He's only got her as experience. He doesn't know how irrational people can be when hurt. He wound up being right about me, but I do think some other woman would have gone nutso.

 

Towards the end, he got riskier and riskier. He asked me over to go swimming at night... when his family and wife were asleep inside. I didn't go, of course. He made similar suggestions, I never went. But I started wondering if he wanted to blow the lid off the thing himself, that he wanted to get caught.

 

Which makes me think maybe he didn't need to trust me in the first place. Maybe deep down inside he wants to get in trouble.

 

After all, he's not a man who deals with conflict well. He's of the "be a jerk so she leaves me" coward class; he's not a man who'd ever make a decision himself.

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I never really wondered this about myself because we knew one another for 17 years before the affair, but I have certainly wondered about others who are new acquaintances or friends. I don't know why they put themselves in a vulnerable situation like that, leaving the fate of their marriage in someone else's hands. It seems crazy.

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I wonder about this, too.

 

We did know each other for a long time, had confided in each other a lot, and he knew my character and how private I am. I assume that he believed I wouldn't blow up his world, because I'd effectively blow up mine.

 

But he's also very inexperienced with women, having really only dated his wife his whole life. He's only got her as experience. He doesn't know how irrational people can be when hurt. He wound up being right about me, but I do think some other woman would have gone nutso.

 

Towards the end, he got riskier and riskier. He asked me over to go swimming at night... when his family and wife were asleep inside. I didn't go, of course. He made similar suggestions, I never went. But I started wondering if he wanted to blow the lid off the thing himself, that he wanted to get caught.

 

Which makes me think maybe he didn't need to trust me in the first place. Maybe deep down inside he wants to get in trouble.

 

After all, he's not a man who deals with conflict well. He's of the "be a jerk so she leaves me" coward class; he's not a man who'd ever make a decision himself.

How very strange.

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Arieswoman

In my case the OW was as thick as a brick and was so in awe of my husband that she would do anything to "catch" him as a status symbol.

 

He knew she wouldn't rock the boat because he was calling all the shots. He had some silly lovesick girl who was potty about him. He played her like a fish and she put up with it.

 

This of course all changed when I found out .................:rolleyes:

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I don't think trust has anything to do with it. MM knows there's a risk that OW will blow up his world - but it's not that he "trusts" her not to do it; mostly, he just hopes and prays she won't.

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I don't think trust has anything to do with it. MM knows there's a risk that OW will blow up his world - but it's not that he "trusts" her not to do it; mostly, he just hopes and prays she won't.

 

That makes more sense.

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I wonder, too.

I know everything about them, every little detail, and the way he is so careless just flabbergasts me. It's almost like rubbing it in her face without actually telling her, wanting to be found out. He would never tell her, I'm sure, but if I were the bunny boiler kind of gal, he would already be in deep trouble at home. They got married young, though, and have been together a long time, so maybe it's not that he trusts in me, it's just a meh kind of attitude - she won't leave me, because she has an A+ lifestyle, and I'm all she knows......and she won't give that up no matter what. So yeah, arrogance.

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In my case my xmm became my best friend and shared things with me he would never share with his wife. He came to see me as an ally and someone who was on his side. I also saw him as my best friend, so we shared secrets we would never share with others. Over time, our intimacy became such that we were like, truly, best friends. I think he needed that outlet. Of course it all blew up, but he trusted me explicity. We saw our relationship as in this thing together. He never thought I would want to hurt him. But I did.

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In my case my xmm became my best friend and shared things with me he would never share with his wife. He came to see me as an ally and someone who was on his side. I also saw him as my best friend, so we shared secrets we would never share with others. Over time, our intimacy became such that we were like, truly, best friends. I think he needed that outlet. Of course it all blew up, but he trusted me explicity. We saw our relationship as in this thing together. He never thought I would want to hurt him. But I did.

 

Yeah I see a lot of that in A's where the two people were friends first but that was not the case for me and xMM so I am truly baffled why he trusted me. He had no reason to but he must have wanted to.

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AnotherSadSong

Emotionally stunted, conflict avoiding dumba_ses per se? Or digging deeper they take a huge gamble and if the OW tells then it takes all responsibility of blame off them onto another. Cowards.

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Yeah I see a lot of that in A's where the two people were friends first but that was not the case for me and xMM so I am truly baffled why he trusted me. He had no reason to but he must have wanted to.

 

I just wonder if they placate themselves by telling themselves they can always deny it.

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I just wonder if they placate themselves by telling themselves they can always deny it.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if some of that happens.

 

There is a documentary on Netflix that rings in my head called "Client 9" about the politician Elliot Spitzer and rise and fall of his career (after his A was discovered). In it they interview him and the escort he was seeing regularly and she tells how absolutely petrified he was at first. He even said he was himself. Yet, he still did it and went back again and again. I thought it was a fascinating docu.

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In my case the OW was as thick as a brick and was so in awe of my husband that she would do anything to "catch" him as a status symbol.

 

He knew she wouldn't rock the boat because he was calling all the shots. He had some silly lovesick girl who was potty about him. He played her like a fish and she put up with it.

 

This of course all changed when I found out .................:rolleyes:

 

 

 

And did that change your opinion of your H? That he "called all the shots with some lovesick girl?" That he "played her like a fish?" Sounds like he played you, too.

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And did that change your opinion of your H? That he "called all the shots with some lovesick girl?" That he "played her like a fish?" Sounds like he played you, too.

 

Bingo. That H thinks he calls the shots and has an entitlement problem.

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In my case the OW was as thick as a brick and was so in awe of my husband that she would do anything to "catch" him as a status symbol.

 

He knew she wouldn't rock the boat because he was calling all the shots. He had some silly lovesick girl who was potty about him. He played her like a fish and she put up with it.

 

This of course all changed when I found out .................:rolleyes:

 

For your sake, I hope we are talking about your ex-husband because this dude sounds like a predatory psychopath.

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I would guess in large parts its not well thought out. In other parts its the idea of this bond of being in it together.

 

I guess the second part of this question could be why dont OW out tbe affair more often? I know in many cases its not really the OW end game plan to have MM in a open relationship. But some it is, so to that end it would be a benefit to tell, no?

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NewLeaf512

Intellectual aptitude and ability has nothing to do with it. I'm a PhD in a serious academic discipline and ex -AP and his wife are high school graduates and she is in a menial job and he is just a bit better off. I've written 2 books and I'm quite affluent. What makes them trust OW is tied to the affair mentality of risk heightening the excitement. It's actually the MM or MW who is stupid because the person who holds all the power in the affair dynamic even if they feel worthless is the OM/OW because with a few emails/texts/phone calls/ photos, the OM/OW can destroy it all and walk away.

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minimariah
Was thinking about it and xMM sure put a lot of trust in me. I could have blown up his world and destroyed his life at any second. Why did he even trust me that much not to do it? He didn't know me well enough to know that I wouldn't for sure. What made him put his trust in me, why? Is it arrogance or desperation?

 

this is a great question, Pop!

 

my answer would be... love? when you're in love, you don't really think about the person you're in love with possibly betraying you.

 

same thing with any other relationship, i guess. you enter a relationship, for example and send a nudie & a sexy video. how you trust your partner that he won't leak it on the internet or send it around...?

 

you just don't think about it, i guess. would love to hear from MMs or MWs though.

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eye of the storm

Being an OW does not make you a dullard. It does mean, in the majority of situations, that you are an expert at suspension of disbelief.

 

Many believe even when they know they Shouldn't.

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It's actually the MM or MW who is stupid because the person who holds all the power in the affair dynamic even if they feel worthless is the OM/OW because with a few emails/texts/phone calls/ photos, the OM/OW can destroy it all and walk away.

 

Yes, but the OW, whether educated or not, intelligent or not is often besotted enough to believe it will all be fantastically wonderful at some point and he will leave the wife for her. Forget the adverse statistics, SHE is the special case.

She doesn't want to rock the boat and spoil her chance of being with him for life, even if he has already cast her adrift on dday.

That "hope" seems pretty prevalent here on LS anyway.

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Yes, but the OW, whether educated or not, intelligent or not is often besotted enough to believe it will all be fantastically wonderful at some point and he will leave the wife for her. Forget the adverse statistics, SHE is the special case.

She doesn't want to rock the boat and spoil her chance of being with him for life, even if he has already cast her adrift on dday.

That "hope" seems pretty prevalent here on LS anyway.

 

Do you mean not rock the boat as in keeping quiet about the affair or rock the boat as in being a complainer?

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purplesorrow

In my exh's case, his ow was just as terrified of being exposed herself. So, fear not trust. She was sick that I knew who she was. That was all she kept asking me not to do. She publicly exposed the woman who cheated with her fiancé when she was engaged. Funny how she didn't want the same fate.

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NewLeaf512
Yes, but the OW, whether educated or not, intelligent or not is often besotted enough to believe it will all be fantastically wonderful at some point and he will leave the wife for her. Forget the adverse statistics, SHE is the special case.

She doesn't want to rock the boat and spoil her chance of being with him for life, even if he has already cast her adrift on dday.

That "hope" seems pretty prevalent here on LS anyway.

 

Completely right. That doesn't mean as one poster said that all OW are stupid. Besotted maybe, and even in some cases delusional. "Not smart" or "stupid" isn't a particularly good answer. Perhaps the real answer is the AP sees OW as vulnerable and having low self-esteem and that is why they trust the OW.

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NewLeaf512
Being an OW does not make you a dullard. It does mean, in the majority of situations, that you are an expert at suspension of disbelief.

 

Many believe even when they know they Shouldn't.

 

Elegantly put

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