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She's in a ridiculous relationship and I love her. ?


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Cosworth82

Hi everyone! Just registered after spending two hours reading threads. Can't find anything that quite matches the situation I'm in so I thought I'd post my own. I'll TRY to keep it short!

Ok, so I'm 32, she's 28, and she's in a relationship of 10 years with a 56 year old. She moved to the street I live in 18 months ago, we didn't know each other before then. She would always wave as I passed and one day I stopped to talk to her, just a quick "hi" etc. Anyway to cut a long story short, she added me on FB. I knew I liked her straight away, and I knew she was with someone. She would message often and sometimes I'd ignore her, because I didn't want to fall for her. She wouldn't quit. She kept coming back time and time again, even when I'd basically told her to f**k off, because I had a feeling this would end up happening and was trying to avoid it. Anyway, we've spent a lot of time together and share everything, eventually I cracked and told her I'm in love with her (I'm trying to keep this short so I'm leaving a lot out) - she says she feels the same. We aren't having an affair, we haven't even kissed. I hold her a lot and having her in my arms is the best feeling ever, but then I have to hand her back to a guy who, personally, I don't think it can work with and who doesn't treat her all that nicely. She is absolutely lovely and he's a manipulative, controlling, possessive old goat. How long do I give this? Will she ever leave him? They're kinda having a lot of arguments etc these days because he knows how she feels but she won't leave him, why not? They're not married, no kinds involved, no mortgage etc. I'm starting to feel like she won't ever do it. Any advice appreciated :)

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whichwayisup

You are having an affair, even though you've not fooled around or had sex. You told her you had feelings for her, and have cuddled. That's inappropriate because she has a boyfriend. She stays because she loves him and isn't ready to end it and start something with you.

 

Walk away before you get hurt and feel used.

 

If she ends it with him, then date her, but until then, stay away and focus on your friends, keep busy and date other women.

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Cosworth82
You are having an affair, even though you've not fooled around or had sex. You told her you had feelings for her, and have cuddled. That's inappropriate because she has a boyfriend. She stays because she loves him and isn't ready to end it and start something with you.

 

Walk away before you get hurt and feel used.

 

If she ends it with him, then date her, but until then, stay away and focus on your friends, keep busy and date other women.

 

For someone with 54K+ posts I'd like to think you wouldn't over simplify things like that, but you did and you're entitled to your view.

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Other peoples partners are other peoples partners.

 

Even if she encouraged you, she still belongs to someone else.

 

You have been her affair partner in an emotional affair.

 

Not good.

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The relationship must do something for her or she wouldn't stay, ridiculous or not.

 

You are right to stay away. Leave her alone until she makes her own decisions about what to do.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that an 18 year old girl who dates a 46 year old man and then stays with him for 10 years... might have some unresolved issues.

 

Affair? Yes, sort of. It's certainly an emotional affair based on what you've said. I can't imagine her boyfriend would be too happy to hear about her cuddling with another man.

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Cosworth82
The relationship must do something for her or she wouldn't stay, ridiculous or not.

 

You are right to stay away. Leave her alone until she makes her own decisions about what to do.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that an 18 year old girl who dates a 46 year old man and then stays with him for 10 years... might have some unresolved issues.

 

Affair? Yes, sort of. It's certainly an emotional affair based on what you've said. I can't imagine her boyfriend would be too happy to hear about her cuddling with another man.

 

Ok ok, I'll concede it's an emotional affair I suppose. No, of course he wouldn't, but I don't really care about what makes him happy, he isn't my priority. As I've said I've left a lot out of my opening post otherwise everyone would get bored real quick! I'm not looking for confirmation bias here, I really want peoples views even if they're not what I'd like to hear.

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eye of the storm

There is a cynical thought going thru my head. She was 18, he was 46...

 

I would imagine he keeps her in a lifestyle that she likes and she would be very unhappy to lose it. The OP is just for fun and release.

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Cosworth82
There is a cynical thought going thru my head. She was 18, he was 46...

 

I've had the very same thought, believe me.

 

I would imagine he keeps her in a lifestyle that she likes and she would be very unhappy to lose it. The OP is just for fun and release.

 

Not so sure about the fun and release part, it's not like it's physical. He doesn't even have a job, is in fairly poor health even for his age and doesn't appreciate her one bit.

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He isn't your priority.

 

You aren't her priority.

 

He is.

 

So who's priority are you?

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Cosworth82
He isn't your priority.

 

You aren't her priority.

 

He is.

 

So who's priority are you?

 

Had to give you a "like" for this. Mostly because you've summed up how I've been feeling all day.

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LOL!!!.......you need to wake up. You call her partner out as manipulative and controlling, but she's probably the manipulative one. She's a predator and user - get with the program my friend.

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Cosworth82
LOL!!!.......you need to wake up. You call her partner out as manipulative and controlling, but she's probably the manipulative one. She's a predator and user - get with the program my friend.

 

Any reply that starts with "LOL!!!" isn't really worth reading, is it, "friend"

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So what kind of insight are you hoping to get?

 

Are you hoping someone will say... oh yes, she sounds like the perfect girl for you, fight for her, take her away from that mean old nasty man who is sick and doesn't work. SAVE HER!

 

I'm just asking, what is it that you really hope to gain from pursuing her? What is it that you are looking for on here? Some explanation for why you fell in love with her and she seems to have feelings for you and whether or not it's the right thing to do? I don't know, you tell us. Does it seem right to you? Are you just venting, confused, don't know what to do?

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Cosworth82
So what kind of insight are you hoping to get?

 

Are you hoping someone will say... oh yes, she sounds like the perfect girl for you, fight for her, take her away from that mean old nasty man who is sick and doesn't work. SAVE HER!

 

Maybe :( I do love her very much, and I'd go so far as to say she's my "dream girl" but whether I'm her dream guy or not, she still needs rescuing.

 

I'm just asking, what is it that you really hope to gain from pursuing her? What is it that you are looking for on here? Some explanation for why you fell in love with her and she seems to have feelings for you and whether or not it's the right thing to do? I don't know, you tell us. Does it seem right to you? Are you just venting, confused, don't know what to do?

 

I'm not really venting as such. I'm genuinely looking for advice. I do feel we're perfect for each other, and there's no WAY it can work with him. I mean, how CAN it? Not to be mean or anything but I have 50 years left in me and so does she, how many does he have at his age?

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eye of the storm

She doesn't need rescuing. You have been reading to many romance novels.

 

And yes it can work with him. You are just trying to find excuses to insert yourself into their relationship. She didn't invite you into their relationship, she went outside their relationship to play with you.

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Cosworth82
She doesn't need rescuing. You have been reading to many romance novels.

 

I've literally never read a single one. Although I realise you might be using a metaphor.

 

And yes it can work with him.

 

Can it? How? Seriously, I'd like you to explain this bit because I genuinely don't get it.

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davidromero43

I saw this on Life Time Movie Network. Christopher Walkin played the old goat. And he lets her play around like a cat with mice. She comes home every night and he is ok with it. But she can't bring them home or let them interfere, or there will be trouble. Last time there was an "incident", and they had to move. But what really keeps her coming home, is just to get more cowbell.

 

Naw, really before you call me an askhole. She might be playing you for the attention. But do you really want to provide for her every need. I bet she is not working. So she gets someone to support her and make decisions for her, like she is a kid. And she gets someone else to give her love and attention. Figure out what you want. And then ask her what she wants.

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gettingstronger

Sounds like the Eagles song "Lying eyes"; point being there is a reason she is with who she is with- it would probably be in your best interest to find out how she came to live with a man so much older than her- perhaps get to know both of them to get a better idea before you spend too much more of your time and energy "rescuing" her-

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eye of the storm

It can work if they both want it to work. She might like older men. He might like younger women.

 

Some people like partners of other races, same sex, vastly extreme body styles....all kinds of things. It is not our place to decide if another couple's relationship works/doesn't work. It is their place and only their place.

 

At the moment your feelings have no impact on their relationship. It is not what you think/feel. It is them.

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I'm sorry you're in this situation. It really does sound like you suffer from KISS (knight in shining armor)syndrome. Some women are very, very good at appealing to men who are KISS, usually by appearing to be a damsel in distress. It's an evolutionary thing I expect.

 

While there is nothing obvious to you that is keeping her with him, she is almost certainly exactly where she wants to be

Edited by Bootsie
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privategal

He might fulfill something in her...and you might fulfill something different. Either way shes missing something, shes prone to getting it from someone else rather than making a stand.

In this situation...Id draw an ultimatum immediately "him or me" as it is only gonna get harder and more complex as you fall deeper.

You've already 'gone there' so now either make it legit or end it. Your asking for a nightmare.

Sit her down and get real.

This also can be the forbidden fruit...the case of the neighborhood girl crush.

Maybe lust or emotional bonds...but love?

I dont know.

I wouldn't play on the fence. They live on the same street.

You get more complicated?? He gets mad, finds out...police maybe involved...who knows where it could lead...but then its your peace..your whole life is in your home...you dont want this situation escalating.

Plus...say she leaves...moves in with you..do you trust her living down the street from her ex?

Your right to question why shes dragging her feet.but Id question more than that.

Think this through.

Your a single eligible bachelor...is this girl the future mother of your children truly?

Slews of beautiful, single, sucessful girls looking for men your age.

This drama is holding you back bud.

Wish u the best truly.

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First, welcome to the boards.

 

Start by....

 

Stopping. then look, then listen to yourself.

 

will say it boggles my mind that if you were female more empathy would be shown , and more pats on the back would be abound.

 

will say you have stayed within the friendship realm. If it means anything , having feelings for a friend is not automatically affair assigned.

Otherwise i'd be accused of that with the gents I hang with, and I am 99% per sure none of us are dishonest, misleading or anything less then respectfull.

 

Stay friends, stop thinking otherwise. Best to you.

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This is a typical scenario in which the smitten one determined to rescue a damsel in distress only listens to one side of the story. Go talk to that "older guy" who's having sex with her and plays the part of her meal ticket and see what his side of the story is.

 

I have to give her credit tho because she seems like a natural; it's not learned behavior on her part. It's all about an ad hoc approach regarding her needs and wants from as many men as possible. Stay away from her because she's going to give you sleepless nights.

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Art_Critic
You call her partner out as manipulative and controlling, but she's probably the manipulative one. She's a predator and user - get with the program my friend.

 

I removed the LOL, now read it... she is the manipulative one.. she is the one with 2 men, you don't even have one girl yet... time to stop this and let her deal with the relationship she is in first.

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