Down in a hole...really hurt.

[AnotherSadSong]

Hi. I have been in an affair for several years with a MM and we ended it terribly. He was so cold after so many years. He told me I was just a f___ and I never meant anything to him. I said really terrible things about his wife in emails that I did not mean out of anger. I was awful and feel guilty about it all. He was so cold. Having someone callously dump you....I cannot describe the feeling. I feel like a, well I am a terrible person for venting my frustration in emails to him and being so hateful toward his wife. I used to be a good person before this affair. I hope to heal from this experience. Everything in my life seems hopeless. I really am not asking a question but needed to vent my pain somewhere.

[eye of the storm]

Remember, when you hit rock bottom you have nowhere to go but up.

 

Unless you start digging more so stop digging.

 

The thing about you both carpet bombing this relationship means you both know there is no going back. And that is a good thing.

 

So take each day as it comes. Stop looking back. There is nothing there for you.

 

Look forward. Move forward. Take action to improve your life and your health.

 

Find peace

[RoseVille]

Well, if you said horrible things about his wife as your method of venting, did you not expect him to respond to you in kind about yourself? It sounds like his response was proportionate to what he received.

[AnotherSadSong]

Thank you and carpet bombing? I think I understand and the not going back leaves me with a strange sense of peace among this strange mix of deep hurt...that I feel numb. I am crying yet I feel so numb. I never felt like this before.

[AnotherSadSong]

To tell someone without any emotion that they were just a f____ and that they never meant anything to you after years is quite a bomb. I deserve it not from him but deserve it for having an affair. You are right that all I have left is to go up. What kind of person would speak to someone and tell them that with absolutely no concern of their well-being?

[Satu]

To tell someone without any emotion that they were just a f____ and that they never meant anything to you after years is quite a bomb. I deserve it not from him but deserve it for having an affair. You are right that all I have left is to go up. *What kind of person would speak to someone and tell them that with absolutely no concern of their well-being?

 

*The kind of person who cheats on their wife.

[eye of the storm]

SadSong, don't get wrapped up in who says that kind of thing. Let it go.

 

The only thing you need to take from this is the knowledge of what not to do in the future.

 

You both got into a relationship that is at its core unhealthy and hurtful. You cannot be terribly surprised that both of you reacted in an unhealthy and hurtful way when it started to end.

 

and carpet bombing is a military term, it basically means saturation bombing (aka throwing a crap ton of bombs to cover every possible square inch so that nothing at all remains)

[AnotherSadSong]

Well, if you said horrible things about his wife as your method of venting, did you not expect him to respond to you in kind about yourself? It sounds like his response was proportionate to what he received.

 

Maybe I do not know. It was a different conversation. This was said in our last on the phone and I suppose I deserve it.

[Southern Sun]

To tell someone without any emotion that they were just a f____ and that they never meant anything to you after years is quite a bomb. I deserve it not from him but deserve it for having an affair. You are right that all I have left is to go up. What kind of person would speak to someone and tell them that with absolutely no concern of their well-being?

 

That is a terribly painful and cruel thing to hear. Obviously we don't know the story and who said what first...who threw the first insulting comments, and most likely, considering the length of the relationship, it was said to you in anger. But it sounds like this evolved into a toxic relationship. Just try to take steps towards accepting what this is showing you. It's not good. I don't know your position...married or not...but if you both devolved to this point, I would do your best to shut that door permanently. There is nothing good left. I know some people will say that their affairs "worked" for them. But by and large, there isn't a lot of good - true, real goodness - in affairs to begin with.

 

After that many years, I know it will be tough. But most things come to an end. It sounds like it's time.

[AnotherSadSong]

SadSong, don't get wrapped up in who says that kind of thing. Let it go.

 

The only thing you need to take from this is the knowledge of what not to do in the future.

 

You both got into a relationship that is at its core unhealthy and hurtful. You cannot be terribly surprised that both of you reacted in an unhealthy and hurtful way when it started to end.

 

and carpet bombing is a military term, it basically means saturation bombing (aka throwing a crap ton of bombs to cover every possible square inch so that nothing at all remains)

 

 

We have had many of those bombs but this was different, it was atomic, it split Hs. There is no going back.

[Mrin]

As someone said - nowhere to go but up. Some ideas:

 

1. Emotional goal setting: consider writing down a page or two on this. Write out who you want to be in five years. Don't dwell on the what's like a house or husband or kids or great job or great car. Focus on how you feel. How you feel about yourself. How you feel about others. How other make you feel about yourself. Are you in a relationship? How do you feel about it and how does it make you feel? Every time you write down a "what" translate it to an emotion. Example: I am in a committed relationship with a great man - that's a what. The emotion behind it is "the relationship I am in is built on love and trust so I feel safe and supported by a man I deeply respect". Go ahead and do it and let that be your compass moving forward. Things or actions you will undertake will either move you closer to these emotions or farther away. If they move you closer - do them. Do them a lot. If they move you farther away - avoid them.

 

2. Coupled with this, write a letter from that future woman you just described to you of today. What would that woman say to you today? Would she comfort you? Would she say that it will all turn out okay? Would she say to trust in the future? Would would that woman of your emotional "goal" say to you - right now?

 

Best of luck!

[Satu]

Maybe I do not know. It was a different conversation. This was said in our last on the phone and I suppose I deserve it.

 

This is not a matter of deserving or not deserving.

 

Other peoples men are other peoples men. Other peoples women are other peoples women.

 

Most affairs end just as badly as this one.

 

There's nothing unusual or surprising here.

 

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[AnotherSadSong]

This is not a matter of deserving or not deserving.

 

Other peoples men are other peoples men. Other peoples women are other peoples women.

 

Most affairs end just as badly as this one.

 

There's nothing unusual or surprising here.

 

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

There is no worry of me not doing or doing any of those. I feel pretty much dead on the inside. There is no chance of ever going back. Death on the inside and death to the relationship on the outside pretty much curtails all.

[AnotherSadSong]

That is a terribly painful and cruel thing to hear. Obviously we don't know the story and who said what first...who threw the first insulting comments, and most likely, considering the length of the relationship, it was said to you in anger. But it sounds like this evolved into a toxic relationship. Just try to take steps towards accepting what this is showing you. It's not good. I don't know your position...married or not...but if you both devolved to this point, I would do your best to shut that door permanently. There is nothing good left. I know some people will say that their affairs "worked" for them. But by and large, there isn't a lot of good - true, real goodness - in affairs to begin with.

 

After that many years, I know it will be tough. But most things come to an end. It sounds like it's time.

 

 

It was said today on the phone, it was my closure, there was no anger in my tone, I think I was crying when he said it and then hung up on me. Yes, it does hurt.

[eye of the storm]

I suppose I deserve it.

 

If we all got what we truly deserved...most of us would be dead.

 

You both were wrong. Take responsibility for your part in it and only your part in it. Learn from it. Move on and make better choices.

 

Spend some time mourning the relationship you thought you had. Spend some time learning about why you made the choices you made. Spend some time developing new habits/thought processes.

 

Time really does help But don't waste it and don't let him take up any more of it.

[AnotherSadSong]

As someone said - nowhere to go but up. Some ideas:

 

1. Emotional goal setting: consider writing down a page or two on this. Write out who you want to be in five years. Don't dwell on the what's like a house or husband or kids or great job or great car. Focus on how you feel. How you feel about yourself. How you feel about others. How other make you feel about yourself. Are you in a relationship? How do you feel about it and how does it make you feel? Every time you write down a "what" translate it to an emotion. Example: I am in a committed relationship with a great man - that's a what. The emotion behind it is "the relationship I am in is built on love and trust so I feel safe and supported by a man I deeply respect". Go ahead and do it and let that be your compass moving forward. Things or actions you will undertake will either move you closer to these emotions or farther away. If they move you closer - do them. Do them a lot. If they move you farther away - avoid them.

 

2. Coupled with this, write a letter from that future woman you just described to you of today. What would that woman say to you today? Would she comfort you? Would she say that it will all turn out okay? Would she say to trust in the future? Would would that woman of your emotional "goal" say to you - right now?

 

Best of luck!

 

 

Thank you for the luck. Moving forward sounds great. I have prevented myself, a form of self sabotage to not move forward a long time ago and find or have find me, a great person. A good person. I need comfort, not the wrong kind of comfort, but it will eventually come. I can only hope.

[AnotherSadSong]

I have an unrelenting feeling that I need to vomit. Has anyone felt so hurt they felt physically ill? Is this abnormal?

[eye of the storm]

Completely normal. Stress can cause all kinds of physical reactions.

 

Just keep breathing.

[FusionCutter]

I have an unrelenting feeling that I need to vomit. Has anyone felt so hurt they felt physically ill? Is this abnormal?

 

What you're feeling is normal. Full NC. Completely. That's the only way you can recover.

 

He's not coming back you need to take care of yourself. Days will become weeks become months. You will recover from this.

[AnotherSadSong]

What you're feeling is normal. Full NC. Completely. That's the only way you can recover.

 

He's not coming back you need to take care of yourself. Days will become weeks become months. You will recover from this.

 

I would like to think he is not coming back. He hurt me and had no cares about doing it. I meant nothing to him. I will never contact him again. NC is not even a question. I do hope to recover and thank you.

[Satu]

This is something I put together to help myself. It might help you.

 

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. There's always someone here.

 

 

Take care.

[AnotherSadSong]

It is said if you continue to do the same things over and over with the same results it equals insanity. We have had breaks before and while they were bad, this was the worst. I never ventured. I think it is time for me to get out there and date, maybe even join dating site which I have never been a fan of. I think doing a complete 180 and handling things differently will work out for the best.

[Satu]

It is said if you continue to do the same things over and over with the same results it equals insanity. We have had breaks before and while they were bad, this was the worst. I never ventured. I think it is time for me to get out there and date, maybe even join dating site which I have never been a fan of. I think doing a complete 180 and handling things differently will work out for the best.

 

You've been involved with half a man. His wife got the other half.

 

I think you'll be much happier with a man who is all yours.

 

Make it so.

[AnotherSadSong]

You've been involved with half a man. His wife got the other half.

 

I think you'll be much happier with a man who is all yours.

 

Make it so.

 

 

This is the truth. I need to be cautious and picky regardless of this bad relationship when finding a new man, but especially so now. Who wouldn't look fantastic after the words spoken to me by the ex?

[eye of the storm]

the saying is if you continue to do the same thing and expect different results...insanity.

 

Anyway, I really think that you jumping into the dating pool right now would actually cause more damage than good. You are trying to replace like for like right now.

 

You need to heal and learn. Then and only then should you try to bring in a new person. In AA they recommend you not date for the first year so you can develop new habits.

 

Take your time, this is not a sprint. You are in this for the rest of your life.

 

Breath. Satu's post was great. Print it and put it on your fridge. (Im thinking about doing it also)