OM, now FOM

[Mountain King]

Long time lurker, new to LS though and am looking for some, I guess clarity on my situation. Before I start, please be patient with my lack of terminology, forums aren't quite my forte, but due to my lack of having no one know of my situation, I really have only you at LS to give me some perspective on it. And having read many threads on here, I know there are gonna be a few who will feel the need to look down upon my actions, I fully respect your opinions also, as I, not too long ago would have probably done the same.....

 

I have been in an A with a MW for the past 16 months, myself long time divorced and 49, she's 10 years younger. It started out innocently with a message from her on social media about a thread from a mutual friend about a movie we both liked. Messages were shared between us, mostly just chit chat for a bit, then they became a daily thing, actually, very many through out the day for the next month. I asked her about her current status, to which she replied that its the ending of a complicated marriage, and was looking to keep things light and fluffy until she gets a divorce, which duh, was the first red flag i completely ignored. Anyways, just going on our conversations alone, I honestly felt and still do feel an amazing connection with here.

 

So, we ended up meeting at at my place for a quick dinner, we both had plans with friends later that night and from there we just clicked. We started texting, calling on a daily basis, multiple times a day then a week or so later got together at my place, dinner, movie then sex. According to her, she was in a loveless marriage, H is an alcoholic, verbally abusive etc. but a good father to her kids. And also, lol, she doesn't sleep in the same bed..oy!! Hook line and sinker? I'm not sure..I think she's to some degree honest with me, but I do go back and forth with that. In the first year, things seemed real good, she would tell me, when asked of course that yes, she's gonna get a divorce, but he makes a lot more money and she needs to sort out her financial situation. Her having two kid's I understood that.

 

So, in between our secret rendevous, and hour long venting calls I took it all in stride. In that first year, we really didn't have many bad days, we saw each other 2-3 times a week including a "whole" night on the weekend, enjoyed each others company did the quasi relationship stuff. I guess, it was around xmas time, this past year when I really gave it some thought as to where this was all heading.. That's when things started to change. It's obvious now, that she avoids conflict though I didn't see it then. I started questioning her as to what we were really doing, what we had in store for the future..Her reply, I can't think of the future, but I like where we're at now..followed with a lack of any interest in discussing it any more.. that gave me some pause..

 

Fast forward about a month, i notice a decrease in calls, no more good morning babe, just the little things that ya think about later on lol.. then the get-togethers were cut down to maybe an hour or two during the week, with a maybe date on the weekend...hmmm.. I then got the, I feel guilty, and am afraid i'll be caught speech..Just a side bar, I'm not a needy person, but I honestly think that I deserve more than a few hours a week, especially if you have time to spend a night or two with friends on the wknd..But hey, that's just my opinion..That's where the little fights started. We'd get mad, make up..Things would be ok for a little bit, then back to the same very limited time together, with me doing any of the planning..What the hell was i thinking? Funny thing is, we never fought about anything other than that. I guess things came to a head recently, when she was busy every weekend spending time with friends but couldn't find time to spend with me...but, she had time to swing a night or so during the week for an hour, and time to chat on the phone during the week.

 

I finally confronted her about it, said that I'm tired of putting an effort into something that really doesn't give much back, and honestly, not just looking to be a hook up.. She replied she's tired of fighting about this, that we should just stop...Stop..I love that, we need to stop.. Yeah, I figure she's right... Just so you all don't think that I prey on vulnerable women, I don't. In all honesty if I had a friend in the same situation, I'd give him hell, actually hell plus. The hard part is that I question myself many times daily on why I chose to pursue this relationship knowing she was married, and I kick myself in the arse on a daily basis for going against my own morals and ethics. But I can't help that I truly fell in love with this girl.

 

And in truth, as strong as I am, right now..having been through a divorce after 17 years of marriage, a few relationships that didn't work out well, and some that were really great, some pretty bad situations I've encountered in my life...I'm not feeling quite as strong as most would think and certainly not proud of the path I have chosen...

 

I apologize if this seems like some kind of rambling, just wanted to vent. I guess the big question is, where do you go from here? Thanks for listening..

Edited July 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Popsicle]

You're not preying on her, she is preying on you.

[Mountain King]

I'm not sure she preyed on me, I honestly feel she's a good person. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I should do next.

Edited July 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I should do next.

 

End it, move on and let her stay married? (it's what she wants to do anyway, whether she tells you or not)

[Mountain King]

i guess the issue i have, is why go through all the charades? why constantly call and text, why tell me how much you love being with me, if it's all smoke and mirrors? why would she be upset if another woman was showing interest in me if she planned on staying married?

[Popsicle]

i guess the issue i have, is why go through all the charades? why constantly call and text, why tell me how much you love being with me, if it's all smoke and mirrors? why would she be upset if another woman was showing interest in me if she planned on staying married?

 

They're bored, unhappy and confused and enjoy the emotional highs and lows of the A, plus the sex. Just because they enjoy this doesn't mean they will leave their marriage though. She got upset when another woman showed interest because she knows she can't give you what you want but this other woman could, and she may lose her "feel good" source from you to this other woman.

Edited July 1, 2015 by Popsicle

[Mountain King]

They're bored, unhappy and confused and enjoy the emotional highs and lows of the A, plus the sex. Just because they enjoy this doesn't mean they will leave their marriage though. She got upset when another woman showed interest because she knows she can't give you what you want but this other woman could, and she may lose her "feel good" source from you to this other woman.

 

ok, thanks i guess.. i feel a whole lot better now lol.. so, pretty much, i've just been, for the past year plus, an escape..no matter how bad she says her marriage is..

[Mountain King]

I guess i should have added, that recently she told me she also had another A prior to us being together. After seeing all the other threads, i'm thinking that i may not be her last..

[Popsicle]

ok, thanks i guess.. i feel a whole lot better now lol.. so, pretty much, i've just been, for the past year plus, an escape..no matter how bad she says her marriage is..

 

I'm sorry. I know it doesn't feel good. There are a lot of people here hurting for the same reasons. You are not alone. I would say yes, but she either doesn't want to accept this herself, or she does realize it but doesn't want to admit it to you and lose you.

[Mountain King]

I'm sorry. I know it doesn't feel good. There are a lot of people here hurting for the same reasons. You are not alone. I would say yes, but she either doesn't want to accept this herself, or she does realize it but doesn't want to admit it to you and lose you.

 

Such a bitter pill to swallow. No, I know I'm not alone, after reading so many posts of others in the same situation, and yet, personally, yes I am. It's sad that I've had to keep a relationship, (or whatever one would call it) a secret for such a long time. Having friends, and even my daughter trying to fix me up for a date and having to make up some kind of story of why I want to be alone. God, the inner struggles with the lies, to other people and also to myself.

[Lurkeraspect]

It always amazes me when the MW/MM tells the OW/OM that their spouse is an alcoholic, is verbally abusive, yet a REALLY good parent. Does not compute. And the whole, she's not sleeping with her husband has also been said here infinitum. While I do believe that may sometimes be the case, I'm not so naive to believe it happens in the majority of cases. And really, the MP needs to tell the AP that (in some cases) because some/most people don't want to envision the person they are having sex with is also snogging their spouse. But they likely are doing just that.

 

Oh, and the weekends when she tells you she's with friends; that's likely code for; family time with the hubs and kids. Cause well, that's also what married people do.

 

Your story has been written here thousands of times. She's just a MW who enjoys a little on the side, who is probably pretty happy in her marriage, whose husband is probably a pretty good guy, and she ain't never going to leave, never had any plans on leaving.

 

Your choices are simple.

 

Either keep playing along, suck it up and sit by the phone until she can eek out a spare hour to have sex with you, or you can put on your big boy pants and tell her to suck rocks.

 

I hope you choose the latter. You're 49 and spinning your wheels with this one.

 

Sorry.

 

MM/MW--married man/married man

OW/OM --other woman/other man

AP-- affair partner

MP--married partner/person

[sandylee1]

This woman is very comfortable where she is. Of course she doesn't want to think of the future. She's got a husband and a boyfriend.

 

An alcoholic abuser isnt a good dad at all. Has anything she's told you been true?

I'm wondering if the time on the weekends isn't also spent with another guy.

 

My advice........

 

Get STD tested

End it and block her number /email

Go out on those dates

Focus on yourself

Don't waste any more time on a woman who keeps you as a bit on the side

 

That verge off divorce she was on will last forever until her husband finds out she's been cheating

 

Men can get very violent with a man who sleeps with his wife. This could end very badly for you.

 

I've no doubt you could find an honest , genuine single woman to be with. Life's too short to be kept a secret.

 

She's a serial cheater and won't stop until she gets caught, if she ever does.

 

You're not invisible , so don't let anyone treat you like you are.

[Popsicle]

Such a bitter pill to swallow. No, I know I'm not alone, after reading so many posts of others in the same situation, and yet, personally, yes I am. It's sad that I've had to keep a relationship, (or whatever one would call it) a secret for such a long time. Having friends, and even my daughter trying to fix me up for a date and having to make up some kind of story of why I want to be alone. God, the inner struggles with the lies, to other people and also to myself.

 

I think you deserve a full relationship with someone and should go for that with another woman who can give that to you.

[Babs22]

Mountain King,

I can totally relate. I am a Married Other Woman (MOW) in a relationship with a Married Other Man (MOM). I feel like I have experienced the same hot/cold type of response from my MM. Initially we spoke all the time, that has decreased. The amount of time we spend together has stayed about the same. We still meet regularly, but I now realize that my MM plans to stay in his marriage. It kind of sucks for the person on the other side. My marriage is pretty much over and I would love to start a real relationship with my MM. It is not in the cards. While you have invested 16 months in this relationship, at least you have figured it out now. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your experience. Good luck in your future relationships!

[Mountain King]

Thanks for all the input. It feels good to be able mention this to someone. I gotta say, though we had a lot of incredible times together, this A left me with some of the most lonely times I have ever experienced in my life.

I've alienated friends, withdrawn from so many things I enjoy for those stolen moments. The constant lies to friends and family, the solo holidays, It's pretty much worn me down. Funny thing is, I really don't have any trouble meeting other women, but for right now that's not a priority.. Think I need some time to figure some things out for myself. Question is, do we stay friends? Does the AP usually try to come back? Do I banish her from my life? Part of the problem that remains is we share part of a circle of friends.

[Babs22]

Thanks for all the input. It feels good to be able mention this to someone. I gotta say, though we had a lot of incredible times together, this A left me with some of the most lonely times I have ever experienced in my life.

I've alienated friends, withdrawn from so many things I enjoy for those stolen moments. The constant lies to friends and family, the solo holidays, It's pretty much worn me down. Funny thing is, I really don't have any trouble meeting other women, but for right now that's not a priority.. Think I need some time to figure some things out for myself. Question is, do we stay friends? Does the AP usually try to come back? Do I banish her from my life? Part of the problem that remains is we share part of a circle of friends.

 

MountainKing, I can totally relate to your bolded statement. Amazing times and amazing lows.

 

As far as how to proceed, most people here say NC is the way to go. I know I would have difficulty seeing my MM when I am trying to get over our relationship. I know it will be easier if we just ended the relationship and did not contact each other. Since you have a similar circle of friends, this may not be 100% possible. Yes, she may try to come back, but it will be for more of the same. If you continue to let her come back you just prolong your own pain. I would do what I could to do remain no contact especially for the first few months, years. Go back to the friends that you have alienated. I bet they will be thrilled to see you again and get back to the things that you enjoyed doing. That would be a start.

[Lurkeraspect]

Thanks for all the input. It feels good to be able mention this to someone. I gotta say, though we had a lot of incredible times together, this A left me with some of the most lonely times I have ever experienced in my life.

I've alienated friends, withdrawn from so many things I enjoy for those stolen moments. The constant lies to friends and family, the solo holidays, It's pretty much worn me down. Funny thing is, I really don't have any trouble meeting other women, but for right now that's not a priority.. Think I need some time to figure some things out for myself. Question is, do we stay friends? Does the AP usually try to come back? Do I banish her from my life? Part of the problem that remains is we share part of a circle of friends.

 

No

Yes

Yes

 

You can still share a circle of friends and end this affair. Does this circle of friends know about the affair?

 

Think of this affair (and ending it) like you were hooked on herione.

 

Could you stay friends with your heroine? No, not if you wanted to NOT be a drug addict,

 

Does the heroine come back? It can if you let it, of course.

 

Do you banish the heroine from your life? Only if you don't want to continue being a heroine addict.

[Mountain King]

This woman is very comfortable where she is. Of course she doesn't want to think of the future. She's got a husband and a boyfriend.

 

An alcoholic abuser isnt a good dad at all. Has anything she's told you been true?

I'm wondering if the time on the weekends isn't also spent with another guy.

 

My advice........

 

Get STD tested

End it and block her number /email

Go out on those dates

Focus on yourself

Don't waste any more time on a woman who keeps you as a bit on the side

 

That verge off divorce she was on will last forever until her husband finds out she's been cheating

 

Men can get very violent with a man who sleeps with his wife. This could end very badly for you.

 

I've no doubt you could find an honest , genuine single woman to be with. Life's too short to be kept a secret.

 

She's a serial cheater and won't stop until she gets caught, if she ever does.

 

You're not invisible , so don't let anyone treat you like you are.

 

Sandylee, you make a great point. I can only go by what she has told me, and I sometimes question that. As far as whether she is with another guy on the weekends, I honestly doubt that as she would update me with pics of her and her friends. But if she can keep me a secret from her H, I'm sure she can do the same to me.

[Mountain King]

No

Yes

Yes

 

You can still share a circle of friends and end this affair. Does this circle of friends know about the affair?

 

Think of this affair (and ending it) like you were hooked on herione.

 

Could you stay friends with your heroine? No, not if you wanted to NOT be a drug addict,

 

Does the heroine come back? It can if you let it, of course.

 

Do you banish the heroine from your life? Only if you don't want to continue being a heroine addict.

 

This pretty much says it all. It is so much like an addiction!! And yes, I imagine you are right. As far as I know, she has told one of her girlfriends about that is in the circle. This one has "supposedly" told her that i'm the best thing that could happen to her. Which just adds to my confusion. Honestly, i'm really not sure what I believe and what I don't anymore. But yes, I think I really need to give some thought to what I need to do. Need and want...two so very different things..

[sandylee1]

Sandylee, you make a great point. I can only go by what she has told me, and I sometimes question that. As far as whether she is with another guy on the weekends, I honestly doubt that as she would update me with pics of her and her friends. But if she can keep me a secret from her H, I'm sure she can do the same to me.

 

Your most welcome.

 

Another thing ........you or she has no idea if her husband is cheating too, you are potentially exposing yourself to all kinds of Std's. Would be a shame to get stuck with a disease you have to explain to all future partners eh.

[gettingstronger]

Our OW also said her husband was a pill popping abuser- my first question was- and she left her kids with a guy like that to go cheat? My husbands mouth dropped open, like, oh yeah, well maybe either shes a crappy Mom (for leaving her kids in harms way) or a liar- my money is on liar-

[Poppy47]

This pretty much says it all. It is so much like an addiction!! And yes, I imagine you are right. As far as I know, she has told one of her girlfriends about that is in the circle. This one has "supposedly" told her that i'm the best thing that could happen to her. Which just adds to my confusion. Honestly, i'm really not sure what I believe and what I don't anymore. But yes, I think I really need to give some thought to what I need to do. Need and want...two so very different things..

 

If she has told somebody in your circle of friends, it will no longer be a secret. News like that travels. If one person knows a secret,it's fine, The minute two people know, it's public knowledge.

 

Poppy.

[rhymemepoet]

Hi mountainking,

 

I never post here, yet I wanted to chime in seeing as how our stories parallel so closely.

 

I was in affair with MOW, and i myself was in a wicked long divorce. The A lasted three years and last June it ended.

 

Needless to say, the emotions of this relationship make a drug addiction look like a joke.

 

I will share with you this, I do not envy your position and I highly recommend you find someone who can keep your mind distracted for a year or so.

 

In order to help yourself, be honest: the worst thing that could have happened to you would have been her divorcing the guy and making you the cuck!

 

If you are truly honest you will realize that you were lucky to have such hot romantic sex before your pecker gets too old.

 

I know that it was real when I was inside her. But now that I'm not anymore, I can truly say thanks for the experience, but what's next.

 

In the heart of the A I never thought it would end. Now that it's over I'm relieved that I am no longer in a prison of pain and passion. When I'm ready I'll find another love. I no longer think about turning the A on again.

 

I wish we could be friends because there is love between us, but that would be destructive for me so I'm glad she is strong enough to keep" walking. In fact, that she is keeping away from me is another reason I love her . I needed to move on as well.

 

You need to climb out of this hole completely man. Don't seconds guess or you'll be staying back at the bottom for longer than the a lasted.

[Mountain King]

Our OW also said her husband was a pill popping abuser- my first question was- and she left her kids with a guy like that to go cheat? My husbands mouth dropped open, like, oh yeah, well maybe either shes a crappy Mom (for leaving her kids in harms way) or a liar- my money is on liar-

 

To tell you the truth, I do know for a fact that as far as being a good mother, she is. Her kids are a little older, but yes, I've wondered the same thing from time to time. Including, if he is so terrible, why would she stay. Money seems to be the deciding factor, and she wants the youngest to finish his grade in the school he is in until next year. BUT, again, this is what im told so, could be the truth, could be a lie. Wish I had the answers to that.

[Mountain King]

Hi mountainking,

 

I never post here, yet I wanted to chime in seeing as how our stories parallel so closely.

 

I was in affair with MOW, and i myself was in a wicked long divorce. The A lasted three years and last June it ended.

 

Needless to say, the emotions of this relationship make a drug addiction look like a joke.

 

I will share with you this, I do not envy your position and I highly recommend you find someone who can keep your mind distracted for a year or so.

 

In order to help yourself, be honest: the worst thing that could have happened to you would have been her divorcing the guy and making you the cuck!

 

If you are truly honest you will realize that you were lucky to have such hot romantic sex before your pecker gets too old.

 

I know that it was real when I was inside her. But now that I'm not anymore, I can truly say thanks for the experience, but what's next.

 

In the heart of the A I never thought it would end. Now that it's over I'm relieved that I am no longer in a prison of pain and passion. When I'm ready I'll find another love. I no longer think about turning the A on again.

 

I wish we could be friends because there is love between us, but that would be destructive for me so I'm glad she is strong enough to keep" walking. In fact, that she is keeping away from me is another reason I love her . I needed to move on as well.

 

You need to climb out of this hole completely man. Don't seconds guess or you'll be staying back at the bottom for longer than the a lasted.

 

Thank you rhymemepoet... There is so much truth about it being a prison of passion and pain, well said! The fact of the matter is I do love this woman. And i would step up to the plate to be there for her AND her kid's, I've told her this a number of times. The fact that there is no ending in site, no talk of a future, well, I think that speaks for itself. But the bottom line is, this A, relationship, whatever it is has robbed me of my own self, by my own doing I must add. I've changed much since it's beginning, in some ways good but in others I'm not sure that I can even recognize myself. I feel this is gonna be an uphill battle for me, as I've read what others are going through, but I imagine I'll be alright. Thank you for sharing your story, it helps. And good luck to you, hope everything works out