Kellyrose Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I have been separate from my husband for a decade, we are married but we live different lives and just formed a joined partnership in raising our children. I am not that old and I want more from life, I have so much love to give an yes, I also like having sex. Since I am married it is hard to find a man who understands which brought me to one of the most popular cheating sites, although I do not feel I cheat. Half a year ago I met a man who seemed to be just perfect, although married, however he seemed to be in a somehow similar situation, just staying due to his kid. no connection with the wife who just married him to get pregnant and who has had a 3 year affair before. We met, and we just clicked and everything was butterflies and rainbows. And although I am realistic about what this all is about I do know that there are LTA that can work, that is what I was striving for. After a few weeks and many dates we did get intimate and that is when everything went bad. He started feeling guilty and when I claimed that he had done this before he said it felt different then, he is starting to fall in love with me and this is just not right. He broke up with me and asked to be just friends. I cried for a week until I saw him again for lunch, and again he could not stop kissing me and telling me he loves me. That has been a few weeks ago and whenever we met there was a lot of kissing and hugging and telling me he loves me. But at the same time he emphasizes on not ever being able to have sex with me again as he just could not live with the guilt. I think I could accept this if he would be sick or just does not like sex but I do know he is a passionate sexual person so this is hard grasp. Please do not judge that we are both married. I understand that this is hard to understand but I chose to stay in the family I created but escape the marriage and although this is tough it is in the best interest of my children. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I'm sorry you're going through this. It's interesting that he says that he's done this before and he was fine but this time with you is different because he fell in love. If the love, not the sex, is the issue with him, then why does he think stopping sex yet remaining friends will solve the problem? I don't think he can or should be friends either if the feelings are causing the problem. It's not like those will stop. Be forewarned, he's about to take your heart on a rollercoaster ride, darling. I'd end it all now, including the "friendship" if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Look, when you figure out how he can go on being "friends" w/o boinking you, you call me and let me know cuz I'm a quandry myself... I don't get how dude, can go on a year now of just obsessing, staring, mirroring me w/o even touching me It drives me up the freakin' wall. Boinking must begin now!!! Anywho, when will both your kids become 18? I mean, at least then the kids will be adults, up and out and you two can be free to date whomever... I don't know, maybe he played you. Maybe he just wanted to get some and now that he got it, he's flaking. But, then again, I've heard that after sex, men start taking a closer look at the RL because before sex all they had was blue balls. I mean, regardless of the poor and/or non-existent connections you both have with your spouses - divorce is still devastating to the kids - no matter what people want you to think/believe now a days. Then, some people are scared to step out of the "comfort zone" of their marriage - no matter how crappy it is. I mean, they have to face family, friends, etc that their marriage was a failure, and no matter how much a connection there is between you two, he may fear it will not work out and better to be in his "comfort zone" than risk everything to be with you. I say talk it out with him, discuss if waiting till the kids are 18 is an option and then if he's cool with that, then stay in touch and be friendly, but seriously if you need your kitty scratched, I say don't wait on him cuz all this "friend" stuff he wants is just gonna drive you batty like I get at times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 This is torture, friends but not lovers when you clearly both want to be physical with each other. The classic saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" takes a twist here, sex takes the "in love" part so if he loves you but does not want to have sex with you...??? So does it mean he loves you but is not in love with you? I'm not trying to be a smart ass or snarky here, this is confusing, so is he in love with his W then? As he feels guilty having sex with you? wha?? You need to let him know that this is not making you happy, and be ready to walk away if you are not getting what you want from this relationship. Isn't having an A because you are not getting what you need from your M? So if you don't get what you need from this A what is the point of continuing? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 And don't be surprised if after he's told you all this to put the breaks on things with you, you catch him back on the cheating dating site... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kellyrose Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Thank you for all your replies. I love it. And yes I signed up for an A to get sex too but I also wanted a friend and companion which is so hard to find and that I did find, I really really like him and I do think he loves and is in love with me, he touches me and he talks about sex all the time so I do hope that he will come around and finds a way to deal with the guilt. He is not as guilty towards the wife as to his religion. Oh yes, these are out there also, I actually thought this species is extinct. His daughter is a toddler, while my kids are a bit older, but it will still take years until they are in college. I am just curious to learn if he will come around, I so would love to be with him... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Why not get a divorce and just find someone single so you don't have to deal with all the drama? It really sounds to me like your just asking for your life to be harder than it should be. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 We're all sinners now, aren't we? How does he explain getting on a dating site? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Why not get a divorce and just find someone single so you don't have to deal with all the drama? It really sounds to me like your just asking for your life to be harder than it should be. Clay Not if you plan to never get caught. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Here's a similar perspective and how mine turned out. I had an A, am also married. My xMM had previously had an A as well (I never had before this). In our A, he "claimed" that he fell in love with me, majorly, and that made him feel very guilty. He told me in his previous affair, it was basically just "convenient", he had no emotional ties, therefore he had less guilt. This baffled me. I personally don't understand LESS guilt as long as it's "just sex". But whatever. Anyway, we kind of tried to end things after only a few months because he said he "was trying not to be in love with me." But guess how that turned out? He kept coming back...for sex. So I thought he was coming back because he loved me, but over time, he made it all about sex. So I don't know if that was always his grand master plan, or if it just kind of worked out like that. But he SAID he wanted to end it, because he felt too guilty due to the love. Yet he kept showing back up. He would say all the loving things to me when he came back. But ultimately, he just wanted sex. So he got what he wanted - squashed out the love but kept the sex. However he managed to keep me in the dark about that for a long time. Man, he was good. Just...watch out. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Not if you plan to never get caught. I really do get that. There is no doubt my eyes have been opened to see just how many people do this and probably will never get caught. I just could not live my life with someone I knew was sleeping with someone else. I would rather have that person in my life every day as jobs and life permitted. Why not really work hard to find that one person you live and give them 100%? I just find it hard to understand them being ok with there MM sleeping with other people. The other thing is how can they trust anything that person says when they are already showing they will lie to the person they said the loved the most. I think in this case she is being lied to. If he really felt all was unhappy at home then he would have to problem taking her to bed and doing other things with her. I would not be a bit surprised if he didn't have others on the side as well stringing them along. I think a good way to test it is give some kind of a hint to his wife he is being unfaithful. Watch to see just how he acts after that. She would then know just how unhappy at home he really is. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I really do get that. There is no doubt my eyes have been opened to see just how many people do this and probably will never get caught. I just could not live my life with someone I knew was sleeping with someone else. I would rather have that person in my life every day as jobs and life permitted. Why not really work hard to find that one person you live and give them 100%? I just find it hard to understand them being ok with there MM sleeping with other people. The other thing is how can they trust anything that person says when they are already showing they will lie to the person they said the loved the most. I think in this case she is being lied to. If he really felt all was unhappy at home then he would have to problem taking her to bed and doing other things with her. I would not be a bit surprised if he didn't have others on the side as well stringing them along. I think a good way to test it is give some kind of a hint to his wife he is being unfaithful. Watch to see just how he acts after that. She would then know just how unhappy at home he really is. Clay Hey I don't know the answers. I'm not okay with it. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 not really sure what to tell you. you clearly have some kind of arrangement with your H and if that works for you -- good. you're not cheating if you and your H have an understanding that you're staying together only until the kids are old enough to be on their own. so if your H is AWARE of the fact that you're separated -- all good. this MM was very clear with you, instead of staying and trying to change someone -- look elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kellyrose Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Because I like the fact that my kids are getting tucked in by their dad every night, because I like us all to sit at the table and eat our meals together and because although he is a horrible husband he is a wonderful dad to his children. If I would file for divorce he would not stay with us in this state.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kellyrose Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Sounds similar to my guy...except we are not at the endless and only sex part yet. I am not sure what I prefer, the emotional or the physical affair..I actually would love a combination, just seems to hard to find! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Because I like the fact that my kids are getting tucked in by their dad every night, because I like us all to sit at the table and eat our meals together and because although he is a horrible husband he is a wonderful dad to his children. If I would file for divorce he would not stay with us in this state.... If he's such a wonderful father why wouldn't he stay in that state with the kids ? You may possibly be underestimating him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kellyrose Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 No...he is actually from another country and he does not like living here, I never hear an end to it, so he would love to leave and despite being a good father I do think he would just pack and go... Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Because I like the fact that my kids are getting tucked in by their dad every night, because I like us all to sit at the table and eat our meals together and because although he is a horrible husband he is a wonderful dad to his children. If I would file for divorce he would not stay with us in this state.... Kids are incredibly perceptive, you and H must be really good actors for kids not to feel underlying tension or maybe disconnection in your M. This is the ideal scenario with raising children and us parents want this for our kids. However, there are so many things that kids see and feel, specially those ones that parents try to hide. What are we teaching our kids? I really applaud you as I understand you are teaching them that you love them so much you are giving up your personal happiness so they have both parents at home. But at the same time we tell our kids to pursue their dreams and be happy, despite personal unhappiness? I really don't know which way is best, I have 3 kids myself and none of them were born with a parenting manual so I'm finding my way too. Each of us are in different circumstances and I chose to teach my kids a different path. This is our reality and much as I want to shield them from the truth, I want them armed and knowledgeable about the realities of life, I expect them to be able to cope with all the curve balls and come out fighting and surviving just as I am showing them now. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Does your husband know that you and he have been separated for a decade? Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 No...he is actually from another country and he does not like living here, I never hear an end to it, so he would love to leave and despite being a good father I do think he would just pack and go... Sadly I think your playing with fire especially since you say he will leave the country. Have you ever considered he feels the same way about the kids as you do and instead of leaving alone he takes them. Have you ever read and of the custody fights that go on in the international community. Imagine just how hard that would be to deal with and just how expensive. Look at the other side of it lets say he does just leave. Some day your children are going to ask why and hes not going to lie to them. Once they are old enough and they really understand the damage you have caused imagine what your relationship will be like with them. My son hates his mother. He never calls her. He never wants to see her. Might want to consider that. On the other note. I did keep my kids. I think you need help and I hope for your sake you get it. Your taking a serious chance on damaging your relationship with your children and breaking there hearts. I am not saying in anyway you should stay with him. You should end the marriage but in a calm reasonable way. Come up with a good arrangement for the kids to have access to there dad. Then you can move on and find someone that really makes you happy. I am a BS and I don't mean any of this in a mean way at all. I hope you see that I am only trying to help you. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 No...he is actually from another country and he does not like living here, I never hear an end to it, so he would love to leave and despite being a good father I do think he would just pack and go... He's not that good of a father then. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Because I like the fact that my kids are getting tucked in by their dad every night, because I like us all to sit at the table and eat our meals together and because although he is a horrible husband he is a wonderful dad to his children. If I would file for divorce he would not stay with us in this state.... Then he's not the 'wonderful dad' you claim him to be. 'Wonderful dads' don't move out of state and basically desert their kids just because they divorce. This whole 'falling on the sword for your kids' thing - by compromising your entire life and principles - is just so over the top. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kellyrose Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 This is one of the toughest decisions I am struggeling with, show the kids how real love looks like by finding the right partner or staying with the dad who loves them? It is an ongoing debate I have with myself. The kids know that we are not initmate, we have different rooms but we are friendly and eat and watch tv together. My oldest knows the reason, my middle one kind of hopes for a happy end and my youngest is too little to have a clue... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kellyrose Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I dont think you are trying to be mean and I have talked to attorneys. My kids do not want me to get a divorce, they have asked for us to stay together so I do. The international divorce law is tricky, I got a heart attack when I learned that although I am married to him for more then 2 decades, the american law only counts the years I have lived married in this country with him, so here our expat experience hounts me. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 You know I really do see your struggling with this but I bet if you sat down and talked to him seriously about how the marriage is going he might actually surprise you. The better you both work out the end of your marriage the better chances you have of him being decent on the arrangements of the children in the event he does go back to his country. I would stop all outside relationships until you get this resolved. The last thing you need is to be working things out on a divorce and him finding out that you have been stepping out of the marriage. This is really a chance for you to show your children how to deal with this in a very healthy way. I was not so lucky. My xW is a serial cheater and I tried for 10 years to get her to stop. On our ninth year of marriage I just couldn't do it anymore. I sat her down and told her how I felt and I asked her to leave. She cried and begged for another chance. This went on for a week of me trying to get her to leave. She involved her family and they eventually convinced me to give her another chance. I did. Six months later I caught her cheating again and threw her out of the house. I filed for divorce and kept the kids. It was brutal divorce and she really didn't get anything. Now here we are 8 years later and my kids see who there mom really is. She never once tried to help herself. She recently cheated on the OM she was with and the kids saw it first hand. My son wont have anything to do with her and my daughter is well on her way with those same feelings. I tried to divorce her and do it in a decent way. I failed. I hope you don't have a similar experience. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
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