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Unrequited Love Leads to Heart Ache


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A month ago I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a temporary roommate for the summer. I am a school teacher and was hoping to cut down on some expenses since I'm not getting pay over the summer months.

 

As you can imagine, I have gotten numerous responses however only one person addressed the operative word in the ad: Temporary. I responded and thus was born a dialogue with what would come to be a man that has not only taking up residency in my apartment, but in my mind and heart.

 

He stated from the get-go that he was married with a two year old son. He was moving to the area to start a job and his wife and son would join him as soon as his in-laws found a place. He doesn't smoke, rarely drinks, and is a quiet individual who tends to stick to himself. I thought the part about being married was good because that meant he wouldn't be bringing in any female guests and wouldn't do anything to make me feel uncomfortable.

 

We exchanged a few more messages until we felt comfortable it would be a good match in the world of roommates and then switched to exchanging messages via text. We texted a few times and discovered we are from the same area back in Pennsylvania. He grew up about two hours from where I grew up. I even substituted a few years ago at the school he graduated from (he is 31, so it wasn't at the same time he attended).

 

Fast forward, he moved down on a Thursday and I happened to be real sick that day. I was having a hard time holding anything down and was in bed all day long. He texted me in the morning around 10 that he was leaving and all I could muster was "Drive safe." Hours later I woke up it was 5:40 and he had been in the area for 40 minutes already.

 

Talk about an interesting "Meet-Cute". I was in yoga pants, a t-shirt, my hair frizzy and all over the place, I could barely held myself up from feeling weakened, my eyes were blood shot from crying, and here walks in my new roommate. Someone who I'm sure moments before was panicking thinking he just got scammed. Despite my appearance I tried to show him around the apartment (not that there's much to show) and I sat on the couch and we chatted a bit. He was so gracious and kind about my being out of sorts. I also took a chance after a little bit and asked if he would be able to pick up a prescription from the store that the doctor gave me earlier that morning when diagnosing me with Gastritis and suggested he just take the cost out of the rent money. I moved to the area all by myself and didn't have anyone to really run to the store for me and I didn't have cash to give anyone, so it sounded like a viable option. We talked a little bit upon his return and then I returned to my room.

 

The next day, Friday evening, I was somewhat back to normal. I was up and about, in a fairly good mood, just felt a little weakened by the previous day. He told me later that I seemed like a completely different person and teased me a few times about the change.

 

On Saturday he went Geocaching with me. I also put together a media-shelf, bookshelf and spray painted the headboard in his room which he helped with me, though I never asked. We had an absolute blast and he found my personality amusing, certain that I could have my own reality-tv show. On Sunday I was sick again because of bad food choices on Saturday, but had a cook-out at a nearby lake that I organized and desperately wanted to attend . I invited him along in hopes to help him make some friends in the area. We drove separately because his in-laws were coming to the area to scope out homes and he had to meet them in an hour. He came back a little later for a bit and played some volleyball, socialized, etc. I ended up leaving at some point later because I was feeling worst.

 

We stayed up late that night talking, me on the couch, him in this over-sized chair I have. I had been debating on whether or not to go to the ER and he was really nice about offering to take me. I'm 32 and single, I'm used to doing a lot of things for myself, so being stubborn I told him that was perfectly okay and I was afraid of going anyhow because I have a fear of needles. I was afraid they might stick me with an IV if I'm dehydrated.

 

I ended up going after he fell asleep and he texted me the next morning asking me to let him know when I got home. The next couple of days I started to improve but hung around home mostly as soon as I got back from school. We talked a lot and started to get to know one another rather quickly. He told me originally he was quiet and kept to himself and said several times that he isn't always good with talking with other people, but he never seemed to have that struggle with me.

 

Fast forward to the weekend, I had a guy coming to stay for two days. I had posted my couch on a website for people looking for a place to squat. Just a way to make a little extra money. The guy was real nice, much older, but I made dinner that Saturday evening, then played Blockus. The older gentlemen won both times because my roommate and I kept going after one another in the game, so he was able to sneak more for his pieces in without us noticing. At the end of the night, I went into my room deciding to do the dishes the next day but when I woke up Sunday, the men had both cleaned up the kitchen for me. It was real sweet. Sunday we went to the pool and splashed, played like we were kids, swimming around picking on each other, playing monkey in the middle and such. I doubt either of us had that much fun at a pool in a long while. We went Geocaching later with a group of people and the fun continued.

 

We hung out several times throughout the next week; we went to a Corn Hole tournament, we went bowling, one night I made Roast Beef for dinner and we did the dishes together, we went out for a bite at I-hop, we went kayaking, grabbed food elsewhere, and one night I made cookies while he sat at the table talking with me. The last night before his wife and kid came to join us (his in-laws weren't able to find a place until the end of July and I being stupid and needing a little extra money suggested his wife and kid come move in until then) we talked like we normally did each night that week, then walked back to our rooms, said good night and went into our separate rooms. A couple of minutes later I realized I forgot a book I was reading when back into the living room only to have him come out of his room a moment later. We talked a little bit again then parted ways. An hour later I couldn't fall asleep so I went out to the living room and quietly put on a movie. 15 minutes into the movie he came out of his room, went to his chair and we chatted a bit, he asked what was wrong and I said I couldn't sleep. He sat in the chair, dozed off, and when the movie was over I put in another movie, he stayed out there and chatted with me and watched the second movie with me until I fell asleep. He turned off the tv and went back to his room.

 

I feel like the most horrible person in the world. I fell in love with a married man. I didn't mean for it to happen. I'm a Christian woman, a good girl. I don't smoke, do drugs, I barely ever drink... I'm not the kind of person who would fall for someone that belongs to another woman. I would never want to be the cause for someone else crying themselves to sleep at night because their husband cheated. Yet, here I am with a broken heart. His wife seems nice and his son is adorable. Yet I never had so much fun in my life and never felt so connected. I would never say anything, though I'm fairly certain he felt it too. Why else would he have spent so much time around me? Rejoined me in the living room when it was way after midnight. Every time I went to the store, why would he have jumped up to go with me or offer to do the driving. I know there can never be anything between us, but I want to know I'm not crazy in thinking this is all one sided.

 

Anyway, my purpose for writing this "novel" is to hope that it helps. Writing can be therapeutic. I am not sure how else to get over him. Fortunately, I went back to PA for a couple weeks to visit family and friends, so I am able to hopefully heal, and when I get back since things will be different with his wife and son around, the feeling may subside and go away. We won't be able to interaction like we did before. We won't be able to hang out. Things won't be the same. I am hoping that alone will help.

 

I still feel awful for having fallen for someone in a committed relationship. Nobody wants to be "the other woman". Especially not me. So far, I'm not. Although we flirted way more than we should have, we never crossed that line. I wish there was a way to know if he felt the same. Not that it would change anything and there is no way of knowing without asking which would be completely inappropriate and would make a bad situation worst, but I can't help but wonder if he felt the same sparks.

 

As a Christian, I'm trying to figure out what God's plan is for all this. Why he would have me meet this wonderful kind and funny man that I can never be with. Someone who has left me with no appetite, the struggle to sleep... why?

 

Thanks for listening!

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autumnnight
As a Christian, I'm trying to figure out what God's plan is for all this. Why he would have me meet this wonderful kind and funny man that I can never be with. Someone who has left me with no appetite, the struggle to sleep... why?

 

This is a faulty question. God did not necessarily arrange this meeting. And read 1 Cor. 10:13.

 

Why, if you are a Christian, did you entertain the notion of getting a male roommate anyhow? That to me would be asking for trouble.

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Lurkeraspect

While I don't agree with Autumn's question about getting a male roommate, since it's not 1754, I do agree that this has nothing to do with God placing this man in your life for a reason. Please don't twist this to fit some sort of divine intervention scenario to misbehave. You met this man simply because you placed a Craigslist ad for a roommate. Nothing more.

 

You sound lonely to me and craving male attention. I personally don't read anything more into this, than a roommate helping out another and enjoying things together that you invited him to participate in.

 

Since this is a very temporary arrangement, I'd back off, let him do his thing and you do yours. There is no need for some heartfelt, tearful admission (to him) about your feelings. It's unlikely he feels the same way. It sounds like he took this living arrangement as an above board thing and is NOT looking for a relationship (beyond roommate friendliness) with you.

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moving out and away from this dude & his family is the only way you'll get over him & you know it. his W & son being there won't do anything to stop you from being in love OR starting an A with him... trust me.

 

you'll know what he feels for sure ONLY if you ask him straight up. how smart or moral that is...? that is up to you to decide.

 

however, if you had decided to NOT mess with him - move out or tell HIM to move out. seems radical but it is truly the only way.

 

as far as your Q about God goes... what do you think was God's plan for his 2 year old kid...? you see what i'm asking you here...? don't use God and try to find reason to make yourself feel better about the situation.

 

ALSO - it doesn't seem to me he is flirting with you at all. i act the same way around my man roommate and i'm not in love with him... i just like people in general & love making friends. so him spending that much time with you proves nothing really.

Edited by minimariah
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Please know I would never actually say anything because I already know the response and that it would just leave to more heart ache on my behalf with a side of embarrassment.

 

I know it may sound like I'm reading too much into the time we spent together, but there was undeniably a connection. One that was strong enough that he must have felt it. It doesn't change that he's taken and doesn't mean he would leave his wife (personally I wouldn't want him to leave his wife for that reason). I also know that when a guy does like a girl, he will spend a lot of time around her. Not consciously. But like most of us, when we like someone or something we want to spend a lot of time with that person or doing that activity. I am really just saying it sucks. I found this forum a good way to just sort of heal. Writing can be helpful when it comes to feelings.

 

I do believe that God brings people into our lives for a reason. I don't believe he would bring this guy into my life to fall in love, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. Perhaps it was so that I wasn't all alone when I was sick. Maybe it's so he can get connected to people in the area. I'm not sure the purpose, but I do believe that God brings people into our lives for one reason or another. I know it's not his fault that I decided to ask this guy to join me on some excursions and it was never my intention to invite him along in hopes of something developing. I run a social group on meetup.com and so I invited him to events that were connected to that. I know what it's like to be in a new area all alone. I know how important it is to make friends in a new area, regardless if you have family coming to join you. So I wanted to reach out to him and invite him along.

 

Anyway, I know it may sound weird that I invited a male to live with me when I am a Christian, but it wasn't like I was inviting him to live with me and stay in my room with me. It wasn't a "step in a relationship" it was simply me needing some extra money during the summer months and him being the one to respond. He didn't seem psychotic or crazy so I agreed. Maybe I was being naive. I don't however think it was unchristian or makes me any less of a Christian to allow him to move in to my apartment.

 

It is what it is. I'm away for a little over week and in a month he will move into a house or will move in with his in-laws along with his wife and son. I have plenty of time to get over all of it and it will be like it never happened. I just wish I could get this feeling in my stomach to go away.

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It doesn't change that he's taken and doesn't mean he would leave his wife...

 

it also doesn't mean that the connection he felt with you comes even close to the connection he already has with his W - you feel the connection with various people throughout your entire life, it does not happen just once. so you can think in that direction, if it helps you.

 

I also know that when a guy does like a girl, he will spend a lot of time around her.

 

just because a dude spends a lot of time around a girl, it doesn't mean that he likes her in a romantic way or wants anything to do with her -- keep that in mind. besides, if you DON'T want to mess with him -- why even think about what he did or didn't feel?

 

be aware of your true desires and wishes, please. don't try to convince yourself in something just out of some kind of duty for God when in reality, you're secretly pining away and hoping for an affair & a relationship with this man.

 

stay out of his way as much as you can while he is with you in your apartment, no conversations, no any kind of friends interaction. all business like & once he is gone, cut off the contact immediately.

Edited by minimariah
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Fleur de cactus

Hi, sorry your heart is broken, you will heal very soon don't be worried. Anyway, I thought this type of living arrangement does not require that you spend so much time together. I find it kind of odd how you went to play together and happy like kids. You are not kids anymore. Even college students to not have to do things together unless they are gf/bf. Next time place an ad for female.

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...I would never want to be the cause for someone else crying themselves to sleep at night because their husband cheated. (...) I know there can never be anything between us, but I want to know I'm not crazy in thinking this is all one sided. (...) Nobody wants to be "the other woman".

 

these parts... you know what this is...? HOPE. it's hope. you're hoping for a future with him. you talk about being the other woman & cheating when nothing even happened between the 2 of you. you say you don't want anything to happen but you want to know if he felt the same... what for? don't you think knowing he felt something would make this entire situation even WORSE?

 

your Christianity is not helping you right now... at all. if anything, it makes you feel entitled.

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the_artist_1970
Please know I would never actually say anything because I already know the response and that it would just leave to more heart ache on my behalf with a side of embarrassment.

 

I know it may sound like I'm reading too much into the time we spent together, but there was undeniably a connection. One that was strong enough that he must have felt it. It doesn't change that he's taken and doesn't mean he would leave his wife (personally I wouldn't want him to leave his wife for that reason). I also know that when a guy does like a girl, he will spend a lot of time around her. Not consciously. But like most of us, when we like someone or something we want to spend a lot of time with that person or doing that activity. I am really just saying it sucks. I found this forum a good way to just sort of heal. Writing can be helpful when it comes to feelings.

 

I do believe that God brings people into our lives for a reason. I don't believe he would bring this guy into my life to fall in love, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. Perhaps it was so that I wasn't all alone when I was sick. Maybe it's so he can get connected to people in the area. I'm not sure the purpose, but I do believe that God brings people into our lives for one reason or another. I know it's not his fault that I decided to ask this guy to join me on some excursions and it was never my intention to invite him along in hopes of something developing. I run a social group on meetup.com and so I invited him to events that were connected to that. I know what it's like to be in a new area all alone. I know how important it is to make friends in a new area, regardless if you have family coming to join you. So I wanted to reach out to him and invite him along.

 

Anyway, I know it may sound weird that I invited a male to live with me when I am a Christian, but it wasn't like I was inviting him to live with me and stay in my room with me. It wasn't a "step in a relationship" it was simply me needing some extra money during the summer months and him being the one to respond. He didn't seem psychotic or crazy so I agreed. Maybe I was being naive. I don't however think it was unchristian or makes me any less of a Christian to allow him to move in to my apartment.

 

It is what it is. I'm away for a little over week and in a month he will move into a house or will move in with his in-laws along with his wife and son. I have plenty of time to get over all of it and it will be like it never happened. I just wish I could get this feeling in my stomach to go away.

 

OK, as a Christian I am certain you have read the story in the Bible about Joseph and Potiphar's Wife in Genesis Chapter 39. As a Christian you understand that we shouldn't put ourselves in positions that will compromise our walk with God. And certainly inviting a member of the opposite sex to come and live with you for a few months and then inviting him swimming and other activities puts you in a position where feelings can develop. Feelings are born when you spend time with someone of the sex you are attracted to doing "fun" things. Like cooking dinner and going on outings together. So now that you know how it happens, in the future guard your integrity and your Christianity by putting safeguards in your life that won't make you compromise or fall victim to sinful things. My suggestion is to tell him and his family to move or you stay away until they move because you have already admitted that sparks are flying between the two of you. It won't be long before you end up being the OW if you don't run like Joseph.

 

It's not uncommon for a married person to feel an extreme attraction with someone if they spend time with them doing "fun" things. Feeling an attraction to someone doesn't mean you have to act on it. I know you want to enjoy this guy but remember that he is M and if you really don't want to go there, don't. I am surprised his W didn't notice that her DH left their bedroom in the middle of the night to go hang out with you. Don't put yourself in that kind of drama. Stop before its too late.

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I am surprised his W didn't notice that her DH left their bedroom in the middle of the night to go hang out with you.

 

the W and the little boy aren't with them -- if i understood correctly, this dude came here to adapt & make a home and his family should came later when he is settled to join him. if the W was there, this probably wouldn't have happened.

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Thank you for the responses. I know this makes me look like a bad person. As a girl, I guess it's easy to read more into situations. I have tried to look at it from a practical side. Being away from your friends and family sucks, so he may have very well taken me up on the offers to come hang out because that's really what the MeetUp group I run is about. Giving people a chance to build friendships and have people to hang out with. It's a group for people who have just moved to the area, who's friends have all gone in different directions, or whatever the case may be. I know that's probably all it was. Who doesn't enjoy like going bowling? Who wouldn't want to see what Corn Hole Tournament is about? Who doesn't like going out for food?

Again, writing this was more about healing as oppose to acting on my feelings. I'm glad I wrote it because I'm able to start looking at it from a more realistic side. He's a good guy and in this world those are hard to come by. I let myself get caught up in the attention. I have plenty of friends who are male, some that I've hung out with on occasions, but I hadn't felt like this. There are guys I have dated over the past couple of years and didn't feel like this towards them. I'm not someone who easily get's swept away by a guy and I'm disappointed in myself for getting swept away with myself here.

 

I know they will be leaving at the end of the month and it'll be easy for me to stay out of the way. I'm good at staying to myself.

 

For those who showed some empathy, thank you!!! I know those of you who may be a little harsh, mean well. I appreciate it.

 

Thank you for listening!

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autumnnight

I am not saying it is immoral to have a male roommate. I AM saying that a single woman, particularly one who is possibly lonely, is opening herself up to vulnerability when she does this. And this thread bears that out.

 

Right now having a roommate would help me financially. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of a male one because I know where I am in my life right now.

 

There is a reason that God's Word says, "Above all else, guard your heart."

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Mona, write here as much as you want. vent when things get hard. harsher comments, less harsher comments... sometimes it helps sending your thoughts out there in the universe and getting some kind of response.

 

keep writing, i think it will most definitely help you.

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I am not saying it is immoral to have a male roommate. I AM saying that a single woman, particularly one who is possibly lonely, is opening herself up to vulnerability when she does this. And this thread bears that out.

 

Right now having a roommate would help me financially. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of a male one because I know where I am in my life right now.

 

There is a reason that God's Word says, "Above all else, guard your heart."

 

Aside from this, as a single woman, allowing strange men from Craigslist to stay in your house is just plain dangerous. Couch surfers? Really?

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whichwayisup

You have no choice but to be strong and let go. There is no way he will now up and leave his wife and child for you, start a new life with you. Get any hopes and wishes of that out of your head. You deserve a great single guy, not a man who is already married.

 

Circumstances by choice brought you together, this isn't fate or some deep soul mate you were destined to be with. You placed an ad, he answered, explained his situation which you thought was safe and unfortunately neither of you respected or put up boundaries and you two crossed lines.

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LovelyBrown

I can sympathize with your situation, of falling for someone unavailable and being unsure of their feelings, I can 100% understand the wanting to validate what you feel and that the connection you felt was real. I went through the same thing, it didn't end well for me! I hope you can move on while you still can.

That being said, I also married and fee that this MM has overstepped boundaries, I don't think it's appropriate for a man to spend all this time with someone he is also sharing a home with! If I've learnedNything from my experience is that men love nothing more than a woman's attention, and for a married guy with a kid I'm sure yours was most welcomed! Save yourself the pain and frustration, stay busy until he leaves and then cut off contact. Best of luck.

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I am not saying it is immoral to have a male roommate. I AM saying that a single woman, particularly one who is possibly lonely, is opening herself up to vulnerability when she does this. And this thread bears that out.

 

Right now having a roommate would help me financially. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of a male one because I know where I am in my life right now.

 

There is a reason that God's Word says, "Above all else, guard your heart."

 

 

This was only my third roommate and I do understand that a male roommate may have not been a good idea. I have male friends who are married, but I don't think of them ever in that way. It's almost like a man saying, "hey I'm gay." All interest gets turned off because my mind automatically knows, that it will never go anywhere. The ring on a man's finger has always been just as powerful. Okay he has a ring, move on. If a guy says he has a girlfriend, I've always been that way too. Okay, not available, move on.

 

After two female roommates, I thought maybe a male roommate wouldn't be so bad and wouldn't be catty. We did exchange pictures as a precaution because let's face it, we'd like to all see who is about to come live with us. I also originally intended to meet him at the front office before actually telling him which apartment I was in, but I had to change that because of being sick. I couldn't go out to meet him.

 

I know CL is dangerous, but I usually have good instincts about people. I could tell that he wasn't psycho. Also that he did understand that I wanted something temporary. I needed a roommate fast because of finances, so since he was the only one who got that temporary part, and needed a place soon, and I felt my instincts saying he seemed okay, I took a leap of faith. And as far as all that goes, I was right. He is a decent individual.

It just never crossed my mind that I'd develop feelings for him because I knew right away he was married.

 

I am starting to feel much better. The distance right now really helps and when I get back, I can easily make myself scarce. I am usually out and about anyway, so I wouldn't see him much. Only in passing. Time flies, so before I know it July will be over and he'll be gone. '

 

Thanks again everyone!

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LivingWaterPlease

Haven't read the whole thread so maybe someone's mentioned this but you asked something like, "Why would God allow.....?" Possibly He allowed it as a way for you to see it's not a good idea to take in male roommates.

 

Yes, this is 2015, and hormones are the same as they've always been. Also, if anything, it's a more dangerous world than ever before.

 

Personally, I would never even take in even a female roommate without vetting her extremely well. I'd have to know people she knew. Or get a recommendation from someone I trusted. It can be a dangerous world out there and 90% of the time you're going to be safe with taking in a roommate. Probably only a fraction of a per cent of that remaining ten per cent of dangerous time would the danger be life threatening. But, it's not a risk I'd take. There are other bad things (too many to mention) that can happen beside life threatening things when you take in someone you don't know.

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MonaLisa, I can understand what you are saying about never having that feeling for a married man or even a man with a girlfriend. I have never had the slightest inclination for any other man, then I met my MM. Something between us just clicked. He was M with no kids, I am M with two kids (one is an adult, one is almost). I did not make the smart choice you are making. I had feelings for my MM and we both acted on those feelings. We are still in an A and I can tell you from experience it is not a smart choice to make. You would be in for a world of hurt and of course your man's wife and kids could be in for a world of hurt too. Even though I still have feelings for my MM, I know he won't hurt his wife by ever getting a D. Yes, if the A is found out, she will be very hurt, but he won't hurt her by getting a D. When our A started, I was pretty stupid/naive. Truly I was. I thought we would end up together. We both seemed to be in unhappy marriages, so it just made sense. I too thought we crossed paths for a reason. I do still feel like MM is the type of person I should have married in the first place, I just didn't know someone like that existed. Had I known that was what a relationship should be like, could be like, when I met my H, I would not have married him. Now, I find someone that I feel this way about and they reciprocate those feelings and I cannot have him. That hurts. I know the only way to start to heal from that hurt is to end it, and I have not found the strength to do that yet, so it just keeps hurting every day. Again, I'm not too smart apparently.

 

Keep your strength, you will be thankful not to feel the pain I feel each day. But you now have the knowledge of what to look for in the man you decide to marry or spend your life with. I believe you can find that in a relationship again. We obviously don't click with everyone we run into, but I should have kept looking for that type of relationship. I hope you do find it someday. :)

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I don't think a married male roommate for a female landlord is always a potential threatened affair. HOWEVER......it was a major mistake to spend so much 1:1 time together having fun. That is a well-known primary cause for people to fall in love. If you had not socialized with him SO MUCH, mostly 1:1, then you would not have fallen in love. Read Marriage Builders website and Willard Harley. Basically, both of you were conducting a pseudo-courtship.

 

And please don't bring God into this.....she is not to blame for your (or his) choice to spend so much 1:1 time together in intimate settings. Yes, you kept your physical clothes on, and you didn't have explicit sexual intent, but emotionally you were effectively buck-naked. This was an EA. Very sorry but the only thing to do is either break their lease or move out yourself.

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Thank you! This is one of the best responses I have seen. I was looking for some understanding and I see that you have provided some in knowing that my taking him in as a roommate wasn't the cause. Had we simply saw each other in passing as I originally thought was how this would go, then no feelings would have developed. I think it's good that his wife is now moved in because that will definitely help because we no longer will have any time to chat or anything. I will go about my business and he will go about his. It's only one more month and they will move out, so I don't really need to ask them to move out, not to mention he already paid for that month. I can get through one more month and who knows maybe they will find a place before the end of the month. I know that I will heal and I will move on. I know God's intentions would never be for me to fall for someone married. I know God doesn't work like that at all. I do believe God puts people in our lives for a reason though. Yes, I put an ad, yes he responded, yes I accepted his response. But shortly after he moved in I got another response from someone else looking for a temporary place for the summer. I also was told by the ladies at the front office of someone looking for the same thing (I had mentioned to them I was looking for someone temporary). Those could have happened before this guy and perhaps I would have found them compatible with what I was looking for in a roommate. But this one responded before them and caught my attention before then. Him being married was one of the appeals since I didn't want someone coming home with different company every night.

 

Anyway, thank you for your response. I feel like yours was very insightful and well thought-out. It wasn't hurtful or didn't make me feel like I was some kind of idiot or bad person for getting into this situation. Some decisions I made weren't good, but your response didn't make me feel worst than I already do. Thank you!

 

I don't think a married male roommate for a female landlord is always a potential threatened affair. HOWEVER......it was a major mistake to spend so much 1:1 time together having fun. That is a well-known primary cause for people to fall in love. If you had not socialized with him SO MUCH, mostly 1:1, then you would not have fallen in love. Read Marriage Builders website and Willard Harley. Basically, both of you were conducting a pseudo-courtship.

 

And please don't bring God into this.....she is not to blame for your (or his) choice to spend so much 1:1 time together in intimate settings. Yes, you kept your physical clothes on, and you didn't have explicit sexual intent, but emotionally you were effectively buck-naked. This was an EA. Very sorry but the only thing to do is either break their lease or move out yourself.

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MonaLisa, I can understand what you are saying about never having that feeling for a married man or even a man with a girlfriend. I have never had the slightest inclination for any other man, then I met my MM. Something between us just clicked. He was M with no kids, I am M with two kids (one is an adult, one is almost). I did not make the smart choice you are making. I had feelings for my MM and we both acted on those feelings. We are still in an A and I can tell you from experience it is not a smart choice to make. You would be in for a world of hurt and of course your man's wife and kids could be in for a world of hurt too. Even though I still have feelings for my MM, I know he won't hurt his wife by ever getting a D. Yes, if the A is found out, she will be very hurt, but he won't hurt her by getting a D. When our A started, I was pretty stupid/naive. Truly I was. I thought we would end up together. We both seemed to be in unhappy marriages, so it just made sense. I too thought we crossed paths for a reason. I do still feel like MM is the type of person I should have married in the first place, I just didn't know someone like that existed. Had I known that was what a relationship should be like, could be like, when I met my H, I would not have married him. Now, I find someone that I feel this way about and they reciprocate those feelings and I cannot have him. That hurts. I know the only way to start to heal from that hurt is to end it, and I have not found the strength to do that yet, so it just keeps hurting every day. Again, I'm not too smart apparently.

 

Keep your strength, you will be thankful not to feel the pain I feel each day. But you now have the knowledge of what to look for in the man you decide to marry or spend your life with. I believe you can find that in a relationship again. We obviously don't click with everyone we run into, but I should have kept looking for that type of relationship. I hope you do find it someday. :)

 

 

I value your sympathy more than you know. I'll be honest, I have never thought much of those who get caught up into fairs. I have always believed that you can't help who you fall for, you can only help what you do about it. But now I have sympathy. I'm not condoning it, but I can understand how it happens. I think there is a difference between seeking it and it just happening without the intentions. Like two people at work. You are bound to get to know one another because you work together, you are put into that situation to get to know one another. If you were out a bar, approached someone who is married and continued speaking with them, that I wouldn't have as much sympathy because you weren't put into a situation to get to know one another. I guess in my case, it could come off as a little bit of both. It's hard to not to get to know someone a little bit when moving in with them. My intentions for inviting him to go out with me and some friends bowling or to a Corn Hole tournament or to a cook-out was purely innocent. I was being sympathetic towards him being in a brand new town by himself. I know how important it is to have friends in order to survive a new place.

 

Thank you though for your words. Some people have been a little unsympathetic and though I understand where they are coming from, if you all knew me personally, I believe you would come to find me to be pretty level-headed, funny, easy going, and kind. You'd most likely be surprised that I even would develop feelings for a married man.

 

Well thank you again. I know it's got to be difficult to be in love with a man that you can never truly be with. Makes me think of the song Stay by Sugarland and From a Table Away by... person's whose name I forgot. I hope that you come to find someone just as wonderful but available!

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I value your sympathy more than you know. I'll be honest, I have never thought much of those who get caught up into fairs. I have always believed that you can't help who you fall for, you can only help what you do about it. But now I have sympathy. I'm not condoning it, but I can understand how it happens. I think there is a difference between seeking it and it just happening without the intentions. Like two people at work. You are bound to get to know one another because you work together, you are put into that situation to get to know one another. If you were out a bar, approached someone who is married and continued speaking with them, that I wouldn't have as much sympathy because you weren't put into a situation to get to know one another. I guess in my case, it could come off as a little bit of both. It's hard to not to get to know someone a little bit when moving in with them. My intentions for inviting him to go out with me and some friends bowling or to a Corn Hole tournament or to a cook-out was purely innocent. I was being sympathetic towards him being in a brand new town by himself. I know how important it is to have friends in order to survive a new place.

 

Thank you though for your words. Some people have been a little unsympathetic and though I understand where they are coming from, if you all knew me personally, I believe you would come to find me to be pretty level-headed, funny, easy going, and kind. You'd most likely be surprised that I even would develop feelings for a married man.

 

Well thank you again. I know it's got to be difficult to be in love with a man that you can never truly be with. Makes me think of the song Stay by Sugarland and From a Table Away by... person's whose name I forgot. I hope that you come to find someone just as wonderful but available!

 

Mona,

 

While there's a difference in seeking it and it just happening, there are DEFINITELY some signs that it's possible.

Anytime a man and a woman engage in any activity that puts them together has a "chance" of getting romantic. Now, add the situation where they are alone together, and the chances go up significantly, especially if they enjoy each other's company. Now, just add a little physical attraction, and you have the affair......

 

I've been there when I was ending a failed marriage. Not looking for an affair, but looking for sympathy with a girlfriend. An affair was not on my mind. Had know this lady for 8 years.... gave her a lot of sympathy with some of her failed relationships, and she offered help with mine. Worked pretty well for a few years... but when she started paying closer attention to me, an EA was eminent.

 

Even with 4 more weeks, you could EASILY, slip into a physical affair. You're already in the EA. It would only take one good evening alone with him, and unfortunately you have everyday until he moves out for that to happen.

 

Good luck in staying strong and accomplishing your goal.

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You'd most likely be surprised that I even would develop feelings for a married man.

 

we probably wouldn't -- you have to be aware of your own weaknesses. most folks here are & they know very well that falling for someone who is already attached in some way has nothing to do with you being funny, kind, sweet and having a bubbly personality.

 

it's not like only awful and horrible people fall in love with someone unavilable and have affairs -- it happens to a lot of amazing folks, too.

 

it can happen to ANYONE. no one is immune to falling in love with someone they shouldn't -- and when you think you are, things like that happen. when you're aware of those possibilities - you can recognize the situation for what it is and set up strong boundaries. if you think that it can't happen to you because "you know better" - life WILL surprise you.

 

good luck, wishing you strength and persistency.

Edited by minimariah
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