Quit job...Desperate to Rebuild my Life. But How?

[StrungOut1975]

Hello all. This is my first post and I am desperate need of help/support. I am a MW (close to 20 years) and I have been the OW to a MM for 3 1/2 years. Just to give you some quick background, I married extremely young for all of the wrong reasons. We have no children. My husband cheated on me for 15 years and was basically absent.

 

I tried to leave on a number of occasions but bc I am a people pleaser and felt both religious and emotional obligations to him, I stayed. The cheating wasn't put in my face but a woman knows when her husband is unfaithful. I spent over a decade of my life pining for my husband.

 

Fast fwd to 3 1/2 years ago. I had enough and finally decided I was done with the marriage. Stupidly instead of moving him out, I allowed him to stay downstairs. This dynamic led to an extraordinary amount of stress and I was beginning to breakdown. I say all of this is no way to excuse what happens next, but I thought it would be good to set the stage.

 

At this point, I'm angry, hurt and my self esteem is all but gone. I has been getting along well with my boss at work. We were becoming close and then one night, we hung out. Foolishly, I felt like I deserved to be desired and kissed by another man. I had suffered alone many years rejected and this was my chance.. This one decision turned out to be the catalyst to a turn of events that destroyed my life beyond the misery that it already was. I thought we would make out and that would be the end of it. Instead it set off feelings in me I didn't know existed. You all know how "amazing" affair interaction is so I'll spare you the details.

 

As time went on, I became obsessively addicted. He was all I could think about. I was getting dangerously close to sleeping with him and that terrified me, so instead of sleeping with him, I decided to "reconcile" with my husband and . This was after 6 months of separation. I cried like a baby bc I knew I no longer loved my husband. This didn't stop the feelings I had for the other man and within days I was with him again. Eventually later that year I slept with the OM.

 

Now I had to deal with no feelings for my H and the enormous guilt of being with this man. I decided to go away for a month but spoke to OM everyday. I came back and a therapist suggested I confess. I did and I must say its the worst decision I ever made. My husband became an emotional mental case and my church and family shunned me.

 

It's been 3 years since this happened and I'm still involved with this man. I still can't break the cycle. I tried leaving the job but was given a promotion, my dream title and a huge raise. I am so desperate to get out of this situation that I have purchased a home in another state. My job has offered to keep me remote but really I think I just need to quit altogether.

 

My husband is a changed man and has began rewriting his history but I don't love him anymore. I don't know of it's bc of the OM or just bc of me. I go NC for a week or so and then crumble. Just seeing him at work sets me back. I've tried explaining to my husband how desperately we need to move and how a new environment can give us a fresh start. He doesn't see the big picture and to be honest I'm not so sure I want him to come anymore.

 

Between the two of them I have been through so much. I have many questions but a few are, would you move to another state to end an affair? Would you leave your job? Does that help/work? There are so many visual reminders around me.. not just of the affair but of the pain with my husband too. My health is suffering and I am on the verge of a break down. I'm super depressed, my body aches all the time and I've developed TMJ and ulcers. I'm literally dying! Help! And so sorry that my post is so long.

Edited June 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[StrungOut1975]

OM/MM and I are both equally addicted, however I am waaaaaay more consumed. In no way am I under the delusion that he's some amazing guy. It's just an insane chemical addiction. In 3 years we've slept together 6 times. Although we have huge attraction, I believe our relationship is fueled by environment. We see each other every day. My biggest challenge is texting. The desire to text is debilitating. My work has suffered and I call out sick.. ALOT.. I dread having to see him but when I'm away I pine. It's horrible. I just want a emotionally healthy life. I've never had that and I need it now. And even though I had a rough marriage, at least I still had the support of family, friends and church. Now I am isolated. Nothing can compare to the gut wrenching pain, misery and torture of an affair. How do I find the strength to end it? My biggest fear is relocating and still being involved.

Edited June 15, 2015 by StrungOut1975
Forgot

[finally43]

So you bought a house in another state...does your H know of the house and of,the affair with your boss?

 

It will end when you end it. You have the means to do it, but you are choosing not to. Does your H think the marriage is salvageable? I understand love and being involved in a bad relationship, but I just don't get this inability to make a decision. I've been involved in an affair. I'm also now married (not to the former married man I was involved with). My affair last 2 years and I cried a lot. But I also ended it and while the former married man didn't want it to end, I chose for MY sanity to end it.

 

You can't run away from your issues. You have to face them and deal with them. There will be consequences for the choices you made. Deal with the, forgive yourself and move forward.

[norudder]

I did both. First I tried a different work location but we still had to interact so it was strained and awkward and we started up again. Then I took a different job. Not ideal job but gave some distance finally. I wish I still had the old job but it was necessary for my sanity. I had physical manifestation of my stress as well, working with him while trying to get over him was very difficult.

 

I only moved because divorce made it necessary. I think D was right and would have still made that decision eventually but I wish I had given myself some more time after starting the new job because I made it in the midst of still having strong feelings for mm and created extra confusion and stress for both myself and exH. Ending affair. Getting a divorce (w/ kids). Moving to little apartment. Starting new job. All in the last year. Worst year of my life.

 

You're in a low place. The inner turmoil about the decisions you are making is painful and scary. You have my understanding and sympathy. Your path ahead is still going to be difficult one way or another. Hang on to whatever centers you and gives you strength. You'll be ok.

 

Getting a counselor helped.

[StrungOut1975]

So you bought a house in another state...does your H know of the house and of,the affair with your boss?

 

It will end when you end it. You have the means to do it, but you are choosing not to. Does your H think the marriage is salvageable? I understand love and being involved in a bad relationship, but I just don't get this inability to make a decision. I've been involved in an affair. I'm also now married (not to the former married man I was involved with). My affair last 2 years and I cried a lot. But I also ended it and while the former married man didn't want it to end, I chose for MY sanity to end it.

 

You can't run away from your issues. You have to face them and deal with them. There will be consequences for the choices you made. Deal with the, forgive yourself and move forward.

 

Yes my husband and I purchased the house together. Yes he knows all about the A w/ex boss but he believes it's over... He knows I still have feelings for the MM but believes we ended it on D Day (a year and a half ago). I've cried to my husband and told him how desperately I need a fresh start.. New surroundings and getting rid of triggers/bad memories dating back to childhood. I've also told him that it's difficult emotionally being in the building with MM every day. I've also been upfront w/my husband about my feelings for my husband. Told him I cared for him but wasn't in love with him. So many years of hurt and pain. He's now the man I always wanted but I've changed and moved on. Maybe it could work but not as long as I still have to see MM. I'm also tired of the cold/expense where I live.. Ready to simplify.

 

Thank you both for your kind words. These last few years have been the worst of my life. I literally believe I will die if I don't stop this. Too much stress.

[StrungOut1975]

I did both. First I tried a different work location but we still had to interact so it was strained and awkward and we started up again. Then I took a different job. Not ideal job but gave some distance finally. I wish I still had the old job but it was necessary for my sanity. I had physical manifestation of my stress as well, working with him while trying to get over him was very difficult.

 

I only moved because divorce made it necessary. I think D was right and would have still made that decision eventually but I wish I had given myself some more time after starting the new job because I made it in the midst of still having strong feelings for mm and created extra confusion and stress for both myself and exH. Ending affair. Getting a divorce (w/ kids). Moving to little apartment. Starting new job. All in the last year. Worst year of my life.

 

You're in a low place. The inner turmoil about the decisions you are making is painful and scary. You have my understanding and sympathy. Your path ahead is still going to be difficult one way or another. Hang on to whatever centers you and gives you strength. You'll be ok.

 

Getting a counselor helped.

 

Thank you for understanding. Are you over this man?

[whichwayisup]

Be completely honest with your husband, it's unfair to him to let it seem like the A is over but really it isn't. He wants to fix things and re invest in the marriage again and to allow that while still having the A won't make it easier, it'll be worse, much worse than it is now.

 

I hope you have the strength to end things with your MM, the affair is unhealthy and as you know, you're suffering badly because of it and the addictiveness of it all. Continue with one on one counseling.

[Southern Sun]

StrungOut - I wanted to offer my words and experience if they might be helpful to you.

 

I too got involved in an affair with my boss. I am married, as is he. We both have children. I can't really figure out your dynamic with your boss. It's been going on a long time and it seems there's a lot of chemistry/attraction, yet you've only been intimate 6 times in 3 years? That's surprising, assuming you are close in proximity. Regardless, there is an obvious element of addictive relating going on. I think, with that in mind, you are probably on target in your train of thought regarding needing a change of scenery to break the spell. In your current situation, everything is a trigger.

 

I was involved for about a year and a half total with my boss, though he was in my life as a boss/mentor for 15 years or so. I felt VERY trapped by my situation. My "affair" was different - you could call it a full EA/PA, but xMM/boss made sure it was primarily sexual after a short period of time. He SAID a lot of other things to keep me on the hook, but what he actually did was entirely different.

 

However, I think I was also stuck in an addictive cycle as well, perhaps for different reasons. My A was very manipulative, a lot of push/pull, I walked on eggshells around him. Not only was he my boss, but he actually owned the company. So I constantly worried about pleasing him on all levels. It was pretty messed up.

 

You mentioned being sick - I was having panic attacks, losing my hair, couldn't sleep. I was a disaster.

 

Ultimately, my husband became suspicious and confronted me. I confessed to everything, which became "D-Day." I wasn't able to completely end things with xMM at that point, but ultimately, finally, I pulled the trigger and kicked him out of my life. It has been freeing, clarifying. But I won't say it's been easy.

 

It's only been since completely getting rid of him that I've been able to recover. And I'm still recovering. My H decided to give me a second chance and we are doing well. I believed I had fallen out of love with my H too, but I also knew logically that it had a lot to do with me giving my heart and body to another. I decided if he was willing to work with me, I needed to go all in with him. It's been worth it.

 

However, we are in a different situation - my H and I were generally happy before I ran our marriage into the ditch, which is different than what you describe. Children matter too.

 

I can tell you that quitting my job was a necessity. I had to get out of there. If you want to end this affair, I think you have to leave. Moving is probably even better. It may seem drastic, but it sounds like you might need drastic measures. Drastic may be right when your health and sanity are dangling on the edge. I kind of hear that in your post.

 

Talk to your H. Tell him how important this is. It seems like he doesn't get it. He will most certainly understand if he finds out the A has continued another year and half past D Day. Of course, if you need to just go on your own for a while, do that. But it sounds like a change, no matter which one it is, is called for.

[norudder]

Yes, I am for the most part over him. We were involved pa & ea for 2 1/2 years, physical several times a week, lots of quality time built into work schedules. A few 'breakups'. It wasn't until the job change that it started to stick and the pain of divorce stripping away illusions. I was fortunate if you can call it that to start seeing just how many imperfections he had, there were character traits beyond the cheating that seeped into the affair. Being able to focus on those helped. It wasn't strict nc right away but its been 10 months since anything sexual (I havent slept with anyone else yet) and 8 months since ending things to have a different perspective on him and what our relationship was.

 

My exh tried making changes and I was too into mm for it to make a difference. It was too little too late. I would've been more receptive to him now. Your M doesn't stand a chance until you're over mm.

 

Of course every m is unique. I didn't have a spark to get back, my m was based on practicality and it stopped being even that. My ex had issues that needed more than date nights to turn our marriage into a healthy one. Unfortunately the very nature of his issues meant being unreceptive to changing them. If you were once in love, your h is making changes and is willing to stick it out, (which is just...wow. Asking a lot for a maybe) it could be worth it to see if your heart softens to him but it won't for a while and you may need some time on your own to get to neutral ground to start from.

 

Nothing will change for you until you are ready to want that change.

 

The advice others have given me here has been great.

Edited June 16, 2015 by norudder

[norudder]

Sorry, had to mention one thing more. There's a lesson in all this for you. I think its the same one for a lot of us in these situations but we can only get there in our own due time. Its self love.

 

This may be projection but maybe its true for you...

If an A matched your value system you wouldn't be troubled but you are. So you aren't acting with what you believe, more than betraying your H you're betraying yourself. An unfaithful H contradicts what you believe a marriage should be so even though other values outweighed that at the time, staying was another type of betrayal to self.

Self love, worth, respect, dignity. Get right with those in therapy for YOU otherwise you're doing a disservice to ANY person you're in a relationship with, including the one with yourself.

[StrungOut1975]

I am literally in tears right now. I am emotional because for the first time I feel so completely understood. I should have posted years ago and I truly appreciate you all for reaching out.

 

In terms of physical ailments you are right on the money. I have lost the hair on the crown of my head. It is falling out in clumps.

 

In terms of telling my h that the affair continued, I can't do that.. again. I told him about the A 2 1/2 years ago and then a year and a half ago he discovered my AF's identity. For the first year after I told him about the A, he stalked me and tortured me with questions. It wasn't the typical "consequences", it was a sick obsession. He put GPS on my car... and would show up everywhere I went... this is how he eventually found the identity. He would accuse me of "looking" at everyone when we were out. We couldn't even watch TV BC in his mind I "liked" the guys I saw. Once we were listening to the radio and he accused me of being attracted to the DJs voice. It's been horrible. In addition he has outed me and I have had to suffer the consequences of losing much of my circle. For the past 6 months he has started to relax some but I still have to CONSTANTLY reassure and deal with his insecurities and drama. I'm not saying this to exaggerate or place game.. I just want to describe the intense amount of pressure I am under. I'm sure much of his suspicion is due to the amount of years he was "out there" and he knows how easily the game is played. I have no life. I go to work and come straight home. I'm so tired and do all I can to avoid drama. I've only slept with the AP a handful of times because I confessed after 9 months and quite frankly, due to fear and lack of opportunity, we haven't been able to sneak away. Also neither of us can deal with the tremendous amount of guilt afterwards. We have made out countless times though but that is brief bc of the environment. For the record he is no longer my boss but we work for a small company so I have to see him. I experience panic attacks when I pull in the parking lot. I was/am drawn to him bc of the addiction and his confidence, talent and intelligence. He is highly driven like me but he is far from ideal.. He has MANY habits and characteristics that I loathe. I believe our proximity to each other made it easy for me... I could've never met him or any man randomly in the street and got together and yes, you are right.. The very nature of this relationship is against everything I've ever believed in.. That, in and of itself, is where much of the turmoil lies.

 

My husband is a changed man in the sense that he is no longer "hanging out" and seeing other women. He is family oriented and has become a man of faith. He is highly attentive, but it is way too much. I spent 15 years alone in the marriage and got used to it. Now, in many ways, I don't even want it anymore. I'm scarred and closed off. I always saw the potential in him but I'm afraid it's too little too late. I can barely take care of myself so taking on his issues is highly draining and I suspect has something to do with my choosing to go back to my crutch. I'm just exhausted all of the time. In addition, we have a mother/son dynamic. My husband lacks confidence, drive and to be honest, is not as mature/intelligent as I am, but he is kind hearted and patient. Unfortunately due to years of mistreatment I am not sure that is enough. After both of these relationships I feel I need time to heal.. ALONE. You are right in saying that my H doesn't stand a chance as long as MM is in the picture. More importantly, I don't stand a chance, and I want to LIVE... I've spent my entire adult life doing what was best for and covering for other people. I need to find the strength to do what's best for me!

[StrungOut1975]

And for the record, me and MM have broken up countless times and have spent the majority of the relationship in "resistance". We always eventually fall back into contact. It's horrible.

 

I also don't enjoy the time I am with my H. Partly bc I'm a changed woman and my needs have changed and partly bc of guilt. I just don't have the strength to sustain any relationship. I find that even the sound of my H's voice annoys me. I guess I stay bc of fear, obligation and he is the one constant amidst my world of turmoil.

Edited June 16, 2015 by StrungOut1975

[elaine567]

I need to find the strength to do what's best for me!

 

In a nutshell. Make yourself priority.

 

One step at a time.

Change your job first. Make sure you have some regular money coming in and look for an apartment to rent and move out. Sort your head out.

File for divorce - this marriage is never going to work in a million years.

Far too much water under the bridge.

[StrungOut1975]

In a nutshell. Make yourself priority.

 

One step at a time.

Change your job first. Make sure you have some regular money coming in and look for an apartment to rent and move out. Sort your head out.

File for divorce - this marriage is never going to work in a million years.

Far too much water under the bridge.

 

 

You are probably right

[Southern Sun]

StrungOut, honestly, gently, based on your description, you should probably get very methodical about this.

 

Make a decision to separate from BOTH men. Perhaps your H will be temporary, but you must do something to get your head on straight. Assuming you're not "re-writing history" (something a lot of waywards do in order to justify their affairs), then it sounds like you don't have much of a marriage to begin with. I don't recall if you said your boss is married but I am assuming he is.

 

1) Get a new job. Don't listen to any of your own or other's rationalizations about why that's not a good idea or too drastic. You MUST. You will never heal being exposed to your AP every single day.

 

2) Find a place you can move into on your own, whether it's this new house you bought or some other place.

 

3) Go there, ALONE. Be alone. No contact with AP. NONE. Get your life and health back. Pour yourself into other things, new hobbies. Freaking take a walk, get a pet. Just stop.

 

You know you can't live like this anymore.

[elaine567]

You are probably right

 

You have no children, you are a free agent.

Get out of this mess and choose a new life for yourself.

[StrungOut1975]

Not rewriting history. There is no way to justify my A, regardless of what has happened in my marriage. An A is just plain wrong and destructive either way you slice it.

 

I definitely need time alone. I have attempted to move out pn several occasions but always get sucked back in due to fear. My best bet is to move into the new house. I spent the first 5 months begging and pleading with my H to take this journey with me. I have stopped for the last month or so. I believe that has scared him and he is now expressing interest in moving with me. I honestly don't want him there now.. at least not for some time. It will be a bit scary living in a new state alone as a woman on my own but I need to face my fears and do it. I need to stay in my home state a few months longer due to some medical procedures but after I am clear, I need to leave.

[StrungOut1975]

Well as usual I am at it again with the texting.. Is this virtually impossible to avoid as long as we work together? Just seeing his car is a trigger. How do I make it through the next couple of months w/o falling into the same routine?

[Dela]

Hello all. This is my first post and I am desperate need of help/support. I am a MW (close to 20 years) and I have been the OW to a MM for 3 1/2 years. Just to give you some quick background, I married extremely young for all of the wrong reasons. We have no children. My husband cheated on me for 15 years and was basically absent.

 

I tried to leave on a number of occasions but bc I am a people pleaser and felt both religious and emotional obligations to him, I stayed. The cheating wasn't put in my face but a woman knows when her husband is unfaithful. I spent over a decade of my life pining for my husband.

 

Fast fwd to 3 1/2 years ago. I had enough and finally decided I was done with the marriage. Stupidly instead of moving him out, I allowed him to stay downstairs. This dynamic led to an extraordinary amount of stress and I was beginning to breakdown. I say all of this is no way to excuse what happens next, but I thought it would be good to set the stage.

 

At this point, I'm angry, hurt and my self esteem is all but gone. I has been getting along well with my boss at work. We were becoming close and then one night, we hung out. Foolishly, I felt like I deserved to be desired and kissed by another man. I had suffered alone many years rejected and this was my chance.. This one decision turned out to be the catalyst to a turn of events that destroyed my life beyond the misery that it already was. I thought we would make out and that would be the end of it. Instead it set off feelings in me I didn't know existed. You all know how "amazing" affair interaction is so I'll spare you the details.

 

As time went on, I became obsessively addicted. He was all I could think about. I was getting dangerously close to sleeping with him and that terrified me, so instead of sleeping with him, I decided to "reconcile" with my husband and . This was after 6 months of separation. I cried like a baby bc I knew I no longer loved my husband. This didn't stop the feelings I had for the other man and within days I was with him again. Eventually later that year I slept with the OM.

 

Now I had to deal with no feelings for my H and the enormous guilt of being with this man. I decided to go away for a month but spoke to OM everyday. I came back and a therapist suggested I confess. I did and I must say its the worst decision I ever made. My husband became an emotional mental case and my church and family shunned me.

 

It's been 3 years since this happened and I'm still involved with this man. I still can't break the cycle. I tried leaving the job but was given a promotion, my dream title and a huge raise. I am so desperate to get out of this situation that I have purchased a home in another state. My job has offered to keep me remote but really I think I just need to quit altogether.

 

My husband is a changed man and has began rewriting his history but I don't love him anymore. I don't know of it's bc of the OM or just bc of me. I go NC for a week or so and then crumble. Just seeing him at work sets me back. I've tried explaining to my husband how desperately we need to move and how a new environment can give us a fresh start. He doesn't see the big picture and to be honest I'm not so sure I want him to come anymore.

 

Between the two of them I have been through so much. I have many questions but a few are, would you move to another state to end an affair? Would you leave your job? Does that help/work? There are so many visual reminders around me.. not just of the affair but of the pain with my husband too. My health is suffering and I am on the verge of a break down. I'm super depressed, my body aches all the time and I've developed TMJ and ulcers. I'm literally dying! Help! And so sorry that my post is so long.

 

 

IT s a sad story. It s understandable why u chose to be with another man. u didn t have any feelings for ur husband anymore. Your affair is on for too long. why do u want ur husband to move with u if u don t love him anymore?

If it s good for u, u should change ur job, yes. but moving to another state is not gonna change how u feel, in my oppinion. u cant run away from ur feelings, u have to face them. and quitting ur job in order to not see him again it s a good idea.

[StrungOut1975]

You are probably right. I guess there has never been a time when no one else was in the picture.. First on his side and now on mine. Part of me feels like us being completely away and starting over fresh might help. I'm not entirely sure of that so I am willing to try alone first. I guess I am dependent on my husband to a degree. It's been 24 years and he's all I know. My ridiculous venture outside of my marriage has been a disaster. When there is no drama, he is highly supportive, attentive and doting but again, may all be too late. I am not sure if I can't receive/give love to him bc of the A or if it's just me. In all honesty, it's probably intoxicating to have two men fawn over you. It's like they complete each other. I know it's selfish and cruel but I am very introspective and try to be as honest with myself as well. Once they both texted "I love you" within 1 second of each other. It was a high I've never experienced before. It's also been the greatest source of pain I've ever experienced in my life. I am miserable and deeply ashamed and way beyond exhausted.

[jwi71]

There is NO easy way.

 

Only degrees of "impossibly hard".

 

The tried and true way, really the only way, is to end it cold turkey.

 

Quit, move, change phone numbers and delete and block EVERYTHING about him. Gifts, photos, emails, letters, contact information - all of it. Poof, gone.

 

Despite what you think/live now - coming clean was the best move. You can't see it now because you are still having an A - aka still neck deep in it. So honestly, you haven't come fully clean. You came clean, then went right back to lying and cheating. Wanna know why your life is not improved? You didn't improve it. You changed nothing.

 

Its gotta end. So...pick a life. The one you live now or a different one. Now jump. There is no "half jump" only jump. Either way is hard and painful and scary.

 

But jump.

 

I would...

 

1) come clean - you know, let the H in on what has been happening. He may or may not D you. You either rebuild from scratch with the full truth with H or get D and do it again with another man. Either way it happens - NO avoiding it.

2) Back to IC - a different one preferably. For the obvious reasons.

3) Quit your job.

4) Block and delete everything about OM. Actually go NC.

5) Bye bye cell phone. You don't NEED one, you WANT one. Its convenient. Its easy. Its proving a disaster to and for you.

 

Change is never easy. Usually necessary. It is here. So do it.

 

What's stopping you?

[StrungOut1975]

Your right. I'm stopping me.

 

I agree with everything you said except confessing right now. I have two major medical procedures coming up and honestly can't deal with extra stress. My plan is to leave/quit in two months. I need to focus on healing from these procedures.

 

I appreciate your honesty. I'm sure you can also empathize with how incredibly painful and difficult this has been. But yes, it is at the end and I will die if it doesn't.

[StrungOut1975]

There is NO easy way.

 

Only degrees of "impossibly hard".

 

The tried and true way, really the only way, is to end it cold turkey.

 

Quit, move, change phone numbers and delete and block EVERYTHING about him. Gifts, photos, emails, letters, contact information - all of it. Poof, gone.

 

Despite what you think/live now - coming clean was the best move. You can't see it now because you are still having an A - aka still neck deep in it. So honestly, you haven't come fully clean. You came clean, then went right back to lying and cheating. Wanna know why your life is not improved? You didn't improve it. You changed nothing.

 

Its gotta end. So...pick a life. The one you live now or a different one. Now jump. There is no "half jump" only jump. Either way is hard and painful and scary.

 

But jump.

 

I would...

 

1) come clean - you know, let the H in on what has been happening. He may or may not D you. You either rebuild from scratch with the full truth with H or get D and do it again with another man. Either way it happens - NO avoiding it.

2) Back to IC - a different one preferably. For the obvious reasons.

3) Quit your job.

4) Block and delete everything about OM. Actually go NC.

5) Bye bye cell phone. You don't NEED one, you WANT one. Its convenient. Its easy. Its proving a disaster to and for you.

 

Change is never easy. Usually necessary. It is here. So do it.

 

What's stopping you?

 

 

I agree with all you said. #5 hit home as well. You are right about the phone. I am in the fight of my life and an dying a slow death bc of it

[StrungOut1975]

Thank you all for your support. I am in the throes of trying to break free from an intense A that has lasted 3.5 years. It's excruciating. I'm an educated woman. I know what love is and isn't. I know love shouldn't be destructive so I can't say I love this MM in the pure sense. I will say that I'm deeply in love, infatuated and obsessed. I know I'm not balanced and need help. I have never truly shown him how obsessed and "off" that I have become but most ladies who have engaged in an A know how compulsive the behavior within it becomes. The slightest bit of attention becomes romanticized, played and replayed. They show interest and its just enough to hold you over. Let down after let down. Push/pull. Today he made first contact. Normally I do but he did. We chatted back and forth. Usual stuff. I was under a great deal of stress and wanted to hang out for lunch. He didn't want to. I got sadder and sadder as the day went on and said pity party/unattractive things. I've become so dependent and I don't know how to stop. I will be relocating in 2 months and until then I will have to see him everyday. We have "broken" up more times than I can count but it never sticks. I just need to know how to coexist without being a sad, weak, dependent fool for the next 60 days. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but am so weak and sick. Please help.

Edited June 17, 2015 by StrungOut1975

[privategal]

When I moved away my xeap then REALLY dropped me cold when the plan was friends.

Basically, heres some tough love...you cant obsess him into loving you, cant pity him into it, demand it, earn it...nothing you do will get him to where you need him to be.

He isn't yours...how do you romanticize someone who doesn't care to share your company in a simple lunch.

 

In this next month I would show poise, strength, calmness, self control...

Dont let him think "thank god this drama queen is gone"

Print pictures from your computer from home of lovely spots in your new hometown. Start focusing on that and dreaming of your new life.

Get excited. Know he will be stuck in the same old life, marriage and boring unhappy routine.

It takes 28 days to form a habit.

Think of him like a cigarette.

Detach. Be polite if he addresses you but do not initiate, change anything you can in your routine to avoid him..if u can park elsewhere, eat elsewhere...anything.

Get your s h i t together and start pulling away.

Make a list of the horrible ways he made you feel and read..re-read.

Hes texting you when hes bored and needs an ego stroke.

Dont play games with text...short reply "Ive got xyz to work on, staying focused, have a good day" if he replies...ignore.

If you have the inner strength...leave your phone off or in your car.

Toughen up.

Get control of your emotions

He is married..he isn't yours...you arent a toy. He doesn't love you. Get excited about your life and a new start.

When you leave...block him or you bring him and this pain into your new life as well.

Start to hardcore detach now.

Hes only a man. A cheating loser.

Give him no focus, be done.

Woman up.