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Had a set back...need support


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lookingforclosure

Well like most have said on here...most xMM will reappear. Well mine did when NC was almost at the 4 month mark (May 6th) He text me stating that he was suffering too, very much every day. I ignored it. I called my BFF for support while I drove home...I was a nervous wreck. Once I got home and hung up with her I had 4 more lengthy messages about how sorry he was for treating me badly, for not treating me with respect...blah blah blah Even mentioned that he was sorry to hear my dog had to be put to sleep. Apparently an ex coworker of mine had mentioned it to another while he was within ear shot.

He text me constantly for three hours....finally asked if I would be willing to talk to him.

I thought about for awhile and responded that I would...because he left me so abruptly I had a thousand things I wanted to say. So I met with him and talked a few days later. Nothing happened. But then he started the texting and calling...a bit here and there, some I would respond to and others I would ignore. It was just like in the beginning of our relationship.

He mentioned that he was "supposedly" starting marriage counseling in June but didn't think he wanted to. I told him he should since he wanted o "supposedly" fix his marriage for his children, and that contact with me wouldn't help his situation at home and that I am trying to move on with my life without him in it.

Well fast forward to Memorial Day weekend when he stopped by, I was weak and caved in to him. I was so upset with myself the next morning. How couldI backslide...I lived without him in my life for almost 4 months and then this. I beat myself up for days. He called me and I told him I couldn't do this with him, not anymore. I was sorry because I know I should've said no...but I didn't and I was having a very hard time processing everything. He blocked me for 2 out of the 4 months then he's back for less than a month and here we go again. He said he undrstood and would respect that. Well he would still text every other day or so, something with group functions we were to attend and such. Then he had a melt down on me that he hated his job, his marriage, his house....basically his whole life except his kids and that he felt paralyzed to do anything to change it. Then he never responded to the text I sent him for a couple days. I told him I needed to talk to him about this and he blew me off. I told him I was upset and he asked me not to text him if I was in a foul mood because it bings hime down...Well I lost it and acted like a child and blasted him on text. I should've just let it go and walk away with what little bit of dignity I had left.

He text me 3 days later telling me I was a piece of work and he thaought he was the one who was bipolar. And it was amazing, yet disappointing how quickly I went down that rabbot hole...

That was last Wednesday...I did apologize for acting out in anger instead of a rational perso. I have yet to get any type of response from him. I tried to call him and he won't answer, so he hasn't blocked me yet.

I jus don'y know why he came back around to play the same game...BUT I ALLOWED IT. And what's sad is I blame myself for blasting him on text, that if maybe I wouldn't have gotten so "bipolar" on him then I wouldn't be feeling like complete dirt right now

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Lurkeraspect

What (another) hard lesson. This man has led you on, made promises, professed his love, and has left you high and dry twice. He doesn't respect you, or he would have left you to heal and move on, knowing he wasn't leaving his marriage...ever.

 

Unfortunately, he'll probably be back. When he gets horny, lonely, needs his ego stroked, he'll make contact again with another sob story. So. Knowing his character and real goal with you, what are you going to do? NC is just as much your responsibility. You need to break it, delete, block, ignore, move on. Because this will cycle on an on for as long as you allow it, and he knows it.

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It's ok, you are human. Just learn from it and move on. Don't waste any more of your precious time on this guy! He disrespects you by coming back into your life to tell you about his problems! That's nuts!

 

You can do so much better and you will!!

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lookingforclosure

I was such an idiot to actually thin that he cared enough to try and make things right. He dropped me like a hot potato in Jan and then just reappeared after he passed me on the road. I should've known his intentions weren't genuine and that is MY fault. I thought I was putting a barrier up, but know I see how weak I still was in regards to him. He knows how much I love him, I guess he just wanted to make sure I hadn't moved on. My therapist says that set backs do happen, i'm not the first she's seen do it. But I must leave him to his "wonderful" life and let him deal with his own crap.

I personally think his story of starting marriage counseling was bs...why would you contact you xAP a month before you are supposed to do something so major to help salvage your marriage...it baffles me

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Confused48

Why are you beating yourself up for blasting him?!? Sure, losing your temper is never good, but of all the things you have done, blasting him is probably the healthiest.

 

As others have said, you have every right to be angry. Maybe losing your temper is not the best way to express that anger but if that is the only time you can express it then blast away! Let him know that you know he is complete garbage and that you don't want him in your life and exactly why.

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whichwayisup

Your (ex)MM is a real jerk

 

He said he undrstood and would respect that. Well he would still text every other day or so, something with group functions we were to attend and such. Then he had a melt down on me that he hated his job, his marriage, his house....basically his whole life except his kids and that he felt paralyzed to do anything to change it. Then he never responded to the text I sent him for a couple days. I told him I needed to talk to him about this and he blew me off.

He says one thing but does another. You two end things, he ignores you for 2 of the 4 months, then pesters you like crazy, bombards you with texts until you cave. He knew how to manipulate you and say the right things (about his wife, marriage, job etc..etc) to get an ego feed, to see if you'd allow him back. Unfortunately you allowed him back in and then he starts ignoring you all over again.

 

END IT completely. Change your number. Cut him out of your life because this man does NOT truly care about you and he certainly doesn't respect you.

 

Don't ever feel bad for putting him in his place and blasting him. He used you selfishly and expected you to follow his rules once again. Screw that.

 

Forgive yourself for caving, tell yourself today is a new day and do everything you can to move on.

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gettingstronger

He created this situation but wants to dictate to you how you should respond to it-you have to be the rosy sunshine of his life when he gives you no reason to be-that is a lot to ask of someone- why should he expect you to always respond with kindness and empathy when he pushes and pulls at you the way he does- he is being unfair in his expectations of you-you are a person, not a robot-

 

Stay away- he wants something no one can give him-really, I can not imagine anyone responding the way he wants-he does not understand cause and effect-

 

Hang tough!

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lookingforclosure
He created this situation but wants to dictate to you how you should respond to it-you have to be the rosy sunshine of his life when he gives you no reason to be-that is a lot to ask of someone- why should he expect you to always respond with kindness and empathy when he pushes and pulls at you the way he does- he is being unfair in his expectations of you-you are a person, not a robot-

 

Stay away- he wants something no one can give him-really, I can not imagine anyone responding the way he wants-he does not understand cause and effect-

 

Hang tough!

 

You are right...he has created it, but I participated so i'm just as guilty

 

But today is Day 1 NC...struggling but am hanging tough so far

 

I'm sure he will try again at some point..they all seem to but this time he will have a hard time finding me. I mean he knows where I live so I can't stop him from coming by, but I can not answer the door

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gettingstronger
You are right...he has created it, but I participated so i'm just as guilty

 

But today is Day 1 NC...struggling but am hanging tough so far

 

I'm sure he will try again at some point..they all seem to but this time he will have a hard time finding me. I mean he knows where I live so I can't stop him from coming by, but I can not answer the door

 

 

Oh, I agree on that and its good you see that, but give yourself a break about your reactions to him- really, I think he is asking too much of anyone- you can beat yourself up about getting involved with him, but please don't beat yourself up about being human and reacting to his push pull the way you have-

 

Take your lumps, but not his- good luck!

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You are right...he has created it, but I participated so i'm just as guilty

 

But today is Day 1 NC...struggling but am hanging tough so far

 

I'm sure he will try again at some point..they all seem to but this time he will have a hard time finding me. I mean he knows where I live so I can't stop him from coming by, but I can not answer the door

 

You arent the first nor will you be the last to backslide.

 

Totally normal.

 

Take heart, I do, in the the above. You acknowledge your role and own it. Somehow, the last 20 years, people are somehow no longer responsible for what they DO. Always the fault of another for one's own actions.

 

Horsesh_t.

 

We all are 100% responsible for what we choose to do and say and think.

 

And you having a good grasp of that, to me, indicates you will NOT backslide and will move past and through this.

 

Step one: block him. (why haven't you)

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lookingforclosure

jwi71

Thank you for your kind words

 

I guess i'm afraid to block him...why??? who the heck knows???

I would like to get to the point that if he contacts me I can read his message, he sees I read it and totally ignore it like he has me. Childish, yes I know

 

I've thought about changing my number...but he can get it from mutual friends, there are some that have no idea what has transpired the past 2 years. They wouldn't think twice about giving it to him if he should ask, or even mentioning that they now have a new number for me.

 

Block...I know it's the right thing to do...he has diverted my emails to a junk folder, which he told me when we initially spoke. He hasn't blocked me as of yesterday, maybe today after I tried to call him yesterday...I don't know and i'm trying not to go there. He never responded to days of text messages so it's obvious he has no intentions of talking to me. I'm trying to leave it at that or else i'm driving myself crazy and then I will need medication.

 

I feel so worthless, like I don't deserve anyone...I feel i'm obviously not good enough for him, and that makes me sick to my stomach that I have slipped back

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jwi71

Thank you for your kind words

 

I guess i'm afraid to block him...why??? who the heck knows???

I would like to get to the point that if he contacts me I can read his message, he sees I read it and totally ignore it like he has me. Childish, yes I know

 

I've thought about changing my number...but he can get it from mutual friends, there are some that have no idea what has transpired the past 2 years. They wouldn't think twice about giving it to him if he should ask, or even mentioning that they now have a new number for me.

 

Block...I know it's the right thing to do...he has diverted my emails to a junk folder, which he told me when we initially spoke. He hasn't blocked me as of yesterday, maybe today after I tried to call him yesterday...I don't know and i'm trying not to go there. He never responded to days of text messages so it's obvious he has no intentions of talking to me. I'm trying to leave it at that or else i'm driving myself crazy and then I will need medication.

 

I feel so worthless, like I don't deserve anyone...I feel i'm obviously not good enough for him, and that makes me sick to my stomach that I have slipped back

 

It is very hard to block. I think it is because that was the way everything started, with texts.The excitement of seeing their name... It's like when you block it's official! I get it! My affair ended last may and it was a lot of no contact and then breaking it, over and over... Finally I got so fed up and hurt and angry at myself for thinking he could change and we could be friends that I just blocked him! I also blocked anyone he is friends with on Facebook too( he does not have an account). I had enough. Im now in my 5th week and to be honest..I'm okay.... Blocking is very freeing!

You have to block him to send him a message that you respect yourself! that's what blocking does! It gives you your self respect and integrity back! You can do this!!

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I was such an idiot to actually thin that he cared enough to try and make things right. He dropped me like a hot potato in Jan and then just reappeared after he passed me on the road. I should've known his intentions weren't genuine and that is MY fault. I thought I was putting a barrier up, but know I see how weak I still was in regards to him. He knows how much I love him, I guess he just wanted to make sure I hadn't moved on. My therapist says that set backs do happen, i'm not the first she's seen do it. But I must leave him to his "wonderful" life and let him deal with his own crap.

I personally think his story of starting marriage counseling was bs...why would you contact you xAP a month before you are supposed to do something so major to help salvage your marriage...it baffles me

 

 

because he isnt genuine and truthful, he is going thru the motions. The man I was seeing was legally separated, decided to go thru marriage counseling to try again and still called me and came by my house during the counseling period of time. He hasn't contacted me since then and I won't contact him either- guess he is "trying" again and I hope he is happy but somehow I don't think it's all happy times for them. So you are not worthless at all- you were an authentic person who loved someone who doesn't deserve it!

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I guess i'm afraid to block him...why??? who the heck knows???

 

Because you are still holding out hope.

You know this of course.

 

My Q is: hope for what?

 

I would like to get to the point that if he contacts me I can read his message, he sees I read it and totally ignore it like he has me. Childish, yes I know

 

Yes and no. You are asking for that beautiful indifference - the death of emotion for him. To not feel anything is the opposite of love, not hate or anger or pining or any other emotion.

 

To get there...you take one step at a time.

 

Like blocking. :)

 

Because, really, what will be different this time?

 

I've thought about changing my number...but he can get it from mutual friends, there are some that have no idea what has transpired the past 2 years. They wouldn't think twice about giving it to him if he should ask, or even mentioning that they now have a new number for me.

 

Tell him to never contact you again.

Think of it as a test - a test of his ability to honor your request. What does it say of him if he cannot? Or even if he can? Either way, you end up in the same place - one path just takes a bit longer - hurts a bit more.

 

Block...I know it's the right thing to do...he has diverted my emails to a junk folder, which he told me when we initially spoke. He hasn't blocked me as of yesterday, maybe today after I tried to call him yesterday...I don't know and i'm trying not to go there. He never responded to days of text messages so it's obvious he has no intentions of talking to me. I'm trying to leave it at that or else i'm driving myself crazy and then I will need medication.

 

He is totally loving that you know. The ego feed must by ginormous.

Here, his xAP, comes calling....

 

I feel so worthless, like I don't deserve anyone...I feel i'm obviously not good enough for him, and that makes me sick to my stomach that I have slipped back

 

Oh horsesh_t.

Its a phase.

I went through it too (as the BH).

 

I swore I would never talk to a woman again - the dirty bleepity bleep bleeps.

...and I M again. With a new daughter.

 

So much for those thoughts huh?

 

They'll pass.

And, again, normal. All it means is your human.

 

Keppe going...keep moving forward. You'll make it.

 

So...block him...what more can he possibly say that you havent already heard before?

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