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... What do I make of this


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LovelyBrown

I know I already posted on another part of this site, but I really need some input, please.

 

MM came into my office after 3 weeks of NC, he taps on my door says hello, how are you? I basically ignore and said fine, just kept working. He then comes into my office reaches for my hand, and while holding it proceeds to apologize for his wife's actions and jealousy, wondering if we are "cool" and blah blah... Then he tells me, that even tho it hurts him, he can't have an affair, that he loves his wife and even if he could be with me he couldn't get away with it... (I'm just stunned at this point) He then tells me he wants to make sure we are good, and that we can still be friends. I didn't even know what to say, does he really expect me to be his friend?! HOW?! I'm so stupid I didn't even know what to say to him, I was elated he was talking to me but wanted to throat punch him at the same time. He side hugged me and told me "thanks for not loosing my **** on him" like, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? Please, all I want to do is move on, why couldn't he just have left it where it was?

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whichwayisup

Seems recently a standard answer/reply I've given to others applies here! Tell him to shove it up his a.ss!!!

 

OMG, he's got some pretty big conceited balls to walk in and say that to you. WTF. I'm angry for you! He hopes you two can be on good terms and be buddies, yet he sticks the knife in you at the same time.

 

Keep the NC going, ignore him if he tries to talk to again, realize he is a complete idiot and he's not worth your energy, your thoughts, your tears. Nothing.

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whichwayisup
. He side hugged me and told me "thanks for not loosing my **** on him" like, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? Please, all I want to do is move on, why couldn't he just have left it where it was?

 

He is happy and relieved that you didn't react, didn't give him a hard time, didn't cause problems for him.

 

He doesn't care about you or your feelings, if he did respect them, he never would have walked into your office, he would have left you alone and stayed in NC mode.

 

I will go back and re read your other thread...

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LovelyBrown
Seems recently a standard answer/reply I've given to others applies here! Tell him to shove it up his a.ss!!!

 

OMG, he's got some pretty big conceited balls to walk in and say that to you. WTF. I'm angry for you! He hopes you two can be on good terms and be buddies, yet he sticks the knife in you at the same time.

 

Keep the NC going, ignore him if he tries to talk to again, realize he is a complete idiot and he's not worth your energy, your thoughts, your tears. Nothing.

 

I feel so stupid! Why didn't I stand up for myself more?! Then again, like you said, I just don't want him to think he's worth my time.

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whichwayisup
I feel so stupid! Why didn't I stand up for myself more?! Then again, like you said, I just don't want him to think he's worth my time.

 

Don't feel stupid. He put you in a spot and knew exactly what he was doing. Trust me, that was intentional and he knows you well enough that you weren't going to freak out and make a scene.

 

From now on what you can do is , stay strong and IGNORE him. If he comes into your office again, interrupt him and say I am busy, please leave. Or just get up and walk out of your office, go somewhere else where he can't follow you.

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Insuance My Dear.

Keep in Sweet with you and you won't cause any more problems.

 

Walk out on him next time he comes near you.

Poppy

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Darren Steez
I feel so stupid! Why didn't I stand up for myself more?! Then again, like you said, I just don't want him to think he's worth my time.

I beg to differ from others.

 

Why not just go to him and tell him you don't want to speak or hear from him again. Make it clear you don't want to be friends from this point forth and that you are now just strictly collegues. He tries to cut in or nice his way out of it by bargaining you cut him off and tell him that's the way it will be.

 

He doesn't just want to be friends. Friends don't hold others by the hand trying to illcit physical contact. Being cool and being friends means he keeps you on the hook for later on. No doubt if you start dating he'll have something to say about it..I'm betting he won't be "cool" with it.

 

If you're not cool with things, then tell him you're not cool.

 

Be authentic if you want to break this cycle and find some self worth.

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I'm not sure exactly why Lovely, but your description just conjured in my mind the boss from The Office (Ricky Gervaise, not the American one) at his condescending clueless best. I hope I'm not being too insensitive to your plight, but the image made me lol.

 

And come to think of it, wouldn't it be nice to perhaps just be able to outright laugh in the face of an MM's absurdity? I betcha THAT would get a response!

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LovelyBrown
I beg to differ from others.

 

Why not just go to him and tell him you don't want to speak or hear from him again. Make it clear you don't want to be friends from this point forth and that you are now just strictly collegues. He tries to cut in or nice his way out of it by bargaining you cut him off and tell him that's the way it will be.

 

He doesn't just want to be friends. Friends don't hold others by the hand trying to illcit physical contact. Being cool and being friends means he keeps you on the hook for later on. No doubt if you start dating he'll have something to say about it..I'm betting he won't be "cool" with it.

 

If you're not cool with things, then tell him you're not cool.

 

Be authentic if you want to break this cycle and find some self worth.

 

Emotions got the best of me, I'm usually able to defend myself! This man just know which buttons to push.

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LovelyBrown
I'm not sure exactly why Lovely, but your description just conjured in my mind the boss from The Office (Ricky Gervaise, not the American one) at his condescending clueless best. I hope I'm not being too insensitive to your plight, but the image made me lol.

 

And come to think of it, wouldn't it be nice to perhaps just be able to outright laugh in the face of an MM's absurdity? I betcha THAT would get a response!

 

When I think about it now, really it does sound absolutely ridiculous! How do you come into somebody's space and say something like that? Ours was an EA and I mourn our friendship everyday, he's gone for 3 weeks and this is what he comes back with? It all sounded so fake! Ugh! I'm now just mad at myself for not saying anything or laughing at him. That would have been the best response.

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When I think about it now, really it does sound absolutely ridiculous! How do you come into somebody's space and say something like that? Ours was an EA and I mourn our friendship everyday, he's gone for 3 weeks and this is what he comes back with? It all sounded so fake! Ugh! I'm now just mad at myself for not saying anything or laughing at him. That would have been the best response.

 

There's a lot of dignity in silence too. Let him think you can't be bothered to waste your breath on him.

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Wow! This guys a pro! He knew exactly what he was doing to you.

 

First off, they only say they want to be friends because it makes them feel better!

 

Second, he made it seem like you were the one begging him for the affair by saying he just couldn't do it!

 

I would just look at him with disgust from now on and don't say a word. But it would of been great if you had laughed in his face! If he ever approaches you again, look exasperated and say " what now" and then ask him to get out!

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I know I already posted on another part of this site, but I really need some input, please.

 

MM came into my office after 3 weeks of NC, he taps on my door says hello, how are you? I basically ignore and said fine, just kept working. He then comes into my office reaches for my hand, and while holding it proceeds to apologize for his wife's actions and jealousy, wondering if we are "cool" and blah blah... Then he tells me, that even tho it hurts him, he can't have an affair, that he loves his wife and even if he could be with me he couldn't get away with it... (I'm just stunned at this point) He then tells me he wants to make sure we are good, and that we can still be friends. I didn't even know what to say, does he really expect me to be his friend?! HOW?! I'm so stupid I didn't even know what to say to him, I was elated he was talking to me but wanted to throat punch him at the same time. He side hugged me and told me "thanks for not loosing my **** on him" like, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? Please, all I want to do is move on, why couldn't he just have left it where it was?

 

Lol. I've been through this. They always want to be "cool" and still be "friends'. What they really mean is that they'd like to keep the door open and continue the EA but on his strict terms.

 

Just pretend like that convo never happened and proceed with YOUR previous plans to remain NC.

Edited by Popsicle
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... Then he tells me, that even tho it hurts him, he can't have an affair, that he loves his wife and even if he could be with me he couldn't get away with it...

 

This is a confusing statement he made...

???

 

Please, all I want to do is move on, why couldn't he just have left it where it was?

 

I remember feeling this way too. Just confused why he came back. Why he even bothered. I wanted to move on. But he doesn't want me to move on (even when HE knows that's what's best for me). That's the thing. It's all about him.

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Grapesofwrath

I think an eye roll would speak volumes to him in that situation. If he approaches you again, I'd either walk away, as others have suggested, or give him the eye roll and the "what now?" Exasperation.

 

Don't hang yourself up thinking he may want more in the future. I think he did this to be sure you aren't going to cause problems for him in the future. Condescending damage control. I see it as an attempt to manipulate you into being a good girl and staying quiet.

 

I'll check out your other thread, but I think this is just such a d@ck move, on his part. All about him.

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When I think about it now, really it does sound absolutely ridiculous! How do you come into somebody's space and say something like that? Ours was an EA and I mourn our friendship everyday, he's gone for 3 weeks and this is what he comes back with? It all sounded so fake! Ugh! I'm now just mad at myself for not saying anything or laughing at him. That would have been the best response.

 

He has to tell himself this to assuage his guilt, that it was all you. That you were the one that wanted him and wanted the A.

 

Yet, he is back in your face.

 

Ignore him, or if you can't get away with that at work, just be short and neutral with him.

 

Trust me, he'll start flirting eventually.

 

And then you can ignore him again and he'll get the message and have to face/deal with himself.

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LovelyBrown
This is a confusing statement he made...

???

 

 

 

I remember feeling this way too. Just confused why he came back. Why he even bothered. I wanted to move on. But he doesn't want me to move on (even when HE knows that's what's best for me). That's the thing. It's all about him.

 

Yes, I'm confused too! His words, as he claps his chest were "this kills me"

I feel like my brain is now back in square one.

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LovelyBrown
I think an eye roll would speak volumes to him in that situation. If he approaches you again, I'd either walk away, as others have suggested, or give him the eye roll and the "what now?" Exasperation.

 

Don't hang yourself up thinking he may want more in the future. I think he did this to be sure you aren't going to cause problems for him in the future. Condescending damage control. I see it as an attempt to manipulate you into being a good girl and staying quiet.

 

I'll check out your other thread, but I think this is just such a d@ck move, on his part. All about him.

 

It's all about him! The EA was all about him, his wife thinks he's this saint, I just feel sorry for him. I just wish I didn't feel what I feel for him, it's so hard for me to turn him away.

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LovelyBrown
He has to tell himself this to assuage his guilt, that it was all you. That you were the one that wanted him and wanted the A.

 

Yet, he is back in your face.

 

Ignore him, or if you can't get away with that at work, just be short and neutral with him.

 

Trust me, he'll start flirting eventually.

 

And then you can ignore him again and he'll get the message and have to face/deal with himself.

 

I need to move on and fast! If he's starts coming in being all nice and flirty, I just can't deal.

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Yes, I'm confused too! His words, as he claps his chest were "this kills me"

I feel like my brain is now back in square one.

 

He's a real head trip like my xMM.

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LovelyBrown
He's a real head trip like my xMM.

 

He *IS*! How long before I stop caring about him? Before I stop looking forward to broken interactions? How do I allowed myself to be in this mess?! So many on here have so much great advice, and yet if I'm honest with myself all I want is for him to let me in! So, I live off crumbs of his attention, making the NC thing really difficult.

Where are you in your healing process?

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He *IS*! How long before I stop caring about him? Before I stop looking forward to broken interactions? How do I allowed myself to be in this mess?! So many on here have so much great advice, and yet if I'm honest with myself all I want is for him to let me in! So, I live off crumbs of his attention, making the NC thing really difficult.

Where are you in your healing process?

 

I don't know the answers to this. Everyone is different but if it's any consellation, I don't dream of us being together anymore. There is no future and Knowing and accepting this helps me let it go. I don't expect him to communicate with me, so I don't wait for it anymore. I've pretty much given up hope for anything regarding him. When he sends mixed messages, I just figure that he is struggling somehow, but that doesn't matter, he will always end up at the same point, whether he realizes it at that moment or not, which is, that he needs to stay in his marriage. I have began turning my thoughts toward other men and my future there.

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I don't feel that sharp pain anymore but I remeber that. It's horrible. I don't know where along the line it stopped being sharp and turned to dull and bearable, but it happened without my knowing with time. I'm looking forward to feeling nothing at all about him. It's coming. I know for sure once I get into another relationship, he will be gone from my mind altogether. I'm that way though.

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