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Feeling sad now MM left


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goldengirl11

I've been reading this forum recently for comfort and it just makes me feel sad re seeing threads discussing whether MM will leave or not. I had been in a 'relationship' for a couple of years, when it started off strong, but then felt on and off I guess as I tried to keep perspective that we may never be together. Well my MM/'good friend' left 3 months ago and feel torn apart more than before and in limbo, because I STILL feel like he's got me on a string and puts it that I'm looking for a LTR, which right now he isn't sure about, but I just want to be treated properly. I hate the evenings and weekends wondering where he is and what he's up to and appears to act casual when we'll meet next. Initially when he left home, he asked me how I felt and admittedly I didn't jump to sleep with him again (although we have once since), as tbh thought he'd probably go back and also need some space, but now it seems there's some distance between us i.e often me initiating contact and if I haven't, he tends to accuse me for disappearing! I'm finding he's quite controlling and has me wrapped round his little finger still, but have decided if we sleep together more and he won't call me his girlfriend, I will have to try and walk away. I also haven't invited him to mine since he left (currently trashed), so we have only slept together once in a hotel a few weeks ago since he left, apart from dates when we've gone out for drinks, saw exhibition etc. He finds it difficult to invite me to his because of his flatmates (one difficult and the other often has boyfriend there), but did go there once and really liked it. Would appreciate some support in my situation. Thanks

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This man sounds very manipulative to me. My MM would do this too:

If I would contact him, I would complain that I was claiming him;

yet if I didn't contact him, he whined about it too .

It's very manipulative.

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goodgirlgonebad15

He has only be seperated 3 months (if I am reading the story correctly). That is not a long time at all and so much could happen. First and foremost, he could still decide to go home and work on his marriage. And then second, he could simply be on the rebound, which can be just as painful for you.

 

You say he disappears on evenings and weekends...not a good sign and I wouldn't be surprised with his newfound freedom, that he is keeping options open and seeing other women. It is the way some men deal with a relationship ending (his marriage) by dating other women.

 

I don't say any of that to hurt you but to show you the possiblities...I would suggest leaving this man alone to figure himself out. He is only seperated and if he is really divorcing then that is no cake walk...he will need time and you need not waste yours waiting on him...Good luck.

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goldengirl11

Was hesitant to bring up this thread again, but there was just a particular thing bothering me, which I mentioned in my original post in this thread. And that's his seeming reluctance for me to stay over. I have been over to his flat once where there's two other flatmates. One older woman who he can't stand and another who regularly has her boyfriend over. I plan to go to a gig in the area where he lives on Mon night, so asked if I could kip over then, so as not to worry re getting last train back. He said he wasn't sure if it was possible as he'd feel uncomfortable with other flatmates there, etc. I secretly feel quite angry about this, as was under the impression that we would see each other normally since he left his wife a few months ago, but I said it was ok and would leave idea with him, when he said ok. Will make other arrangements though.

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Was hesitant to bring up this thread again, but there was just a particular thing bothering me, which I mentioned in my original post in this thread. And that's his seeming reluctance for me to stay over. I have been over to his flat once where there's two other flatmates. One older woman who he can't stand and another who regularly has her boyfriend over. I plan to go to a gig in the area where he lives on Mon night, so asked if I could kip over then, so as not to worry re getting last train back. He said he wasn't sure if it was possible as he'd feel uncomfortable with other flatmates there, etc. I secretly feel quite angry about this, as was under the impression that we would see each other normally since he left his wife a few months ago, but I said it was ok and would leave idea with him, when he said ok. Will make other arrangements though.

 

Why would he feel uncomfortable with his roommates being there, and why are his new roommates women?

 

There's more to that, I think, and I also agree with him being completely manipulative. Separated means nothing, especially when he separates and moves in with 2 other women.

 

When you went to his place, were they gone?

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Was hesitant to bring up this thread again, but there was just a particular thing bothering me, which I mentioned in my original post in this thread. And that's his seeming reluctance for me to stay over. I have been over to his flat once where there's two other flatmates. One older woman who he can't stand and another who regularly has her boyfriend over. I plan to go to a gig in the area where he lives on Mon night, so asked if I could kip over then, so as not to worry re getting last train back. He said he wasn't sure if it was possible as he'd feel uncomfortable with other flatmates there, etc. I secretly feel quite angry about this, as was under the impression that we would see each other normally since he left his wife a few months ago, but I said it was ok and would leave idea with him, when he said ok. Will make other arrangements though.

 

 

Disregarding everything else (about his current status, etc.).. it just seems weird and fishy about his hesitance to have you over. There definitely is a possibility that he is hiding something from you.

 

Even if he is playing the field (dating other women), what's wrong with bringing you back for a night? What exactly is he hiding.. is he afraid that the flatmates will divulge something unintentionally to you?

 

I feel uncomfortable knowing that you are holding out for him and not wanting to pressure him into a stable relationship. It must be horrible, but you really shouldn't waste your time.

 

If it bothers you, I think you should ask him outright. There is nothing to lose.....

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Lois_Griffin

I have the feeling this 'separation' from his wife isn't a true separation. I think they're still trying to work things out and his flat=mates are well aware of that. Therefore, of course he can't have you stay over if they know he's supposedly trying to work things out with his wife.

 

I'll bet you a jelly donut he's been going home to stay with the wife on the weekends.

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his seeming reluctance for me to stay over. I have been over to his flat once where there's two other flatmates.

 

One older woman who he can't stand and another who regularly has her boyfriend over.

 

He said he wasn't sure if it was possible as he'd feel uncomfortable with other flatmates there, etc.

 

I secretly feel quite angry about this, as was under the impression that we would see each other normally since he left his wife a few months ago, but I said it was ok and would leave idea with him, when he said ok. Will make other arrangements though.

 

Have you met the other flatmates, ever? If you did how did he introduce you? Were you allowed to speak to them?

 

I can think of many reasons why he doesn't want you there.

 

  1. He has played the victim to the flatmates - I am just a poor man who has been dealt a terrible unfair blow, my wife kicked me out and I don't know why?? I love her so much.
    Hero to zero in one move, if you as "the mistress" show up.
  2. He has slept with or is sleeping with or wants to sleep with one or both* of the flat mates.
  3. He is seeing, sleeping with, has designs on a friend/relative/work colleague of one of the flat mates.
  4. Like Lois says may be still trying to make things work with the ex wife... she could come round unexpectedly...
  5. The flatmates may know his ex-wife or friends of friends of his ex wife and will relay back to her any of his goings on.
  6. He doesn't want to give you any ideas of the affair being serious, so you start demanding you move in together or even hint at marriage in the future. He doesn't want to show you any commitment, in case you get the wrong idea.
    He is happy with "hotel" sex as that puts you firmly in the OW/casual category and he may get off on the "secrecy", sneaking around angle too.
  7. He doesn't want to blow his cover, the ex wife frequently sleeps over and the flatmates know her well.
     
    I am sorry, but none of the reasons, I can think of are good news for you. :(
     
    *forget "the older women he doesn't get on with" spiel, it doesn't necessarily mean he will not sleep with her, perhaps he already has and wants to make sure you do not talk to her.

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My thoughts?

 

Having you over, including you in his real life, makes you real, your relationship "real." He's not ready or desirous of that. He still has you compartmentalized in a little box.

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goldengirl11

Thanks for the replies. To cut it short, he's tearing me apart. Spoke on the phone a couple of nights ago and was left we'd arrange to meet for a chat this weekend. Have a bad feeling about it and not sure if will be today or tomorrow. Just booked a ticket for a gig later, incase he doesn't want to meet me later. When I asked about him being a bit quiet lately i.e it's been me initiating contact, he agreed and was very vague, but denied he was hiding something. He said that he didn't really want to talk relationships over the phone, but that he didn't really know if he was in the market anymore and if it was going anywhere, which is VERY surprising, as I didn't think he was sure he wanted it to go anywhere! I have literally felt on a string and had been a push and pull situation, but now feel quite cut off. I feel that I'm i love with him, but feel he's treated me very unfairly on the whole. I just want to be his girlfriend/partner, but am treated like a FWB. I actually felt it was more of a relationship when he was still at home. He was obviously out last night and now waiting to hear from him, after a couple of texts yesterday afternoon. I'm shaking quite honestly, but trying to get a grip!

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goldengirl11
Why would he feel uncomfortable with his roommates being there, and why are his new roommates women?

 

There's more to that, I think, and I also agree with him being completely manipulative. Separated means nothing, especially when he separates and moves in with 2 other women.

 

When you went to his place, were they gone?

 

One of them was there in the kitchen with her boyfriend, but the other one who he hates was away. Was a flying visit to his flat, before we headed out.

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goldengirl11

I wonder if the problem why it hasn't "gone anywhere," is because I haven't invited him to mine in recent months and he finds it difficult to invite me to his i.e lack of intimacy perhaps? We normally meet for chats and days out I suppose.

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  • 1 month later...
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goldengirl11

Am just not coping. Have taken to self harming again. R is currently away travelling for a month (away from normality he says as was struggling i.e hundred things going round his head) and prior to going he admitted was considering moving back with family, but it could go either way i.e not be with either of us. Recently was gutted to hear he (sneakily) gave notice of his flat, which I guess likely means he will move back, if temporarily, now his job ended (he said he's stuffed without one - not sure I believe that). He says giving up the flat was because he was finding it hard having a mortgage and also the connection. His kids are early 20's, also living there. I also recall he said that he didn't think it was going anywhere (between us), but neither do I think he has tried much for it to work. He told me to chill though, as nothing's going to happen for a month, but I feel shattered. Have been sleeping much more lately, to switch off the pain quite honestly. We last met up about 2 weeks ago, a couple of days before he left for his holiday (whilst staying back there in preparation for trip), which was pretty emotional. Dressed in new outfit, hair and make up done - didn't recognise me! Wanted to look good in our possibly last meeting, as can't take this turmoil anymore.

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AnotherSadSong

Why are you so attached to this man? He does not sound like he has much to offer. Can you start caring more for you and less for him? By your post I get the sense that it is all about him. Do not do this. I took the time to really think things through clearly and have completely detached myself from him, the what ifs, and the I cares.

 

 

You will feel much stronger if you stand before him and demand this or that and he has a day or two to think and if you see no action, then you are done. It may not work out, but he will have respect for you whether he wants to or not.

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goldengirl11

Thanks for your reply, AnotherSadSong. I've been questioning too why I'm so attached to him! Tried to PM you, as didn't want to bring the thread up again, but was unable to.

 

I e-mailed him last in bed when I admitted that I'd been fantasizing about us i.e touching myself (sorry to be graphic) and was quite shocked at his reply - that there had been a lot of masturbation in this relationship. I was so hurt at this as partly it took me a while to relax with him sexually, but mainly because I never stayed with him as he felt uncomfortable with.his flatmates there, despite a flatmate at the time regularly having her boyfriend stay. We mainly just had days out. I ended up apologising to him in my reply i.e for being reticent for a while, but feel I shouldn't have done.

 

I fear he'll say that I didn't invite him to mine either, but we usually met in his area.

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