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Is a D-Day avoidable in a LTA?


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Unless I or MM end it for real and completely (and at this point I don't see that happening), I feel like this A could go on for forever. He's far too careful to ever get caught; I'm certain he never will (and I will never tell).

 

Did any of you OW/OM have a LTA that never got caught?

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I'm sure there are countless affairs that go on indefinitely.

 

The part you aren't getting is that if it goes on indefinitely, that just means you are some dudes side piece indefinitely and aren't moving on with a legitimate relationship of your own.

 

Getting away with it long term is no prize.

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gettingstronger

My husband probably thought he was never going to get caught-until our OW decided she wanted him full time and exposed it all to me- he was in shock- she never really said she was unhappy-

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I'm sure there are countless affairs that go on indefinitely.

 

The part you aren't getting is that if it goes on indefinitely, that just means you are some dudes side piece indefinitely and aren't moving on with a legitimate relationship of your own.

 

Getting away with it long term is no prize.

 

I'm "getting it," I assure you.

 

I am fine with the way things are right now. It'll only become an issue if someday I reach a point where not having more is unacceptable.

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Hope Shimmers
I am fine with the way things are right now. It'll only become an issue if someday I reach a point where not having more is unacceptable.

 

And you will.

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And you will.

 

Will I? Probably. That's been true in most of my relationships.

 

But I'm still young, and children are off the table. So I don't exactly feel a rush to end something that gives me much much more pleasure right now than pain.

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MuddyFootprints
Will I? Probably. That's been true in most of my relationships.

 

But I'm still young, and children are off the table. So I don't exactly feel a rush to end something that gives me much much more pleasure right now than pain.

 

? I don't understand. There is far more turmoil and emotional confusion in your posts than there is pleasure. :(

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Darren Steez

And yet thou comes to OM/OW forum to post questions about nagging doubts and possible outcomes of said affair.

 

All is not rosy in ville..get it.. Ros-e-ville

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EverySunset

Not all LTAs are discovered. My childhood friend had a father who traveled a lot for work. And 30 years later she found out he had a whole other family. A woman he'd provided a home for. A child they had, only a couple years younger than her. And a dog. Since she was never allowed to have a dog growing up, THATS the element of the other family he kept that bothered her.

 

Eventually her father just declared everybody family. We were stupified. Meanwhile all she could focus on was that other kid got to have a dog.

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My friend told me of an affair she knows of that has been going on for 15 years. The wife has found a few times, and the cool off for a little bit, and then go right back to it.

 

My mm's wife caught messages on the phone a month ago. According to him she asks about me daily and he Denys that he's still talking to me.

 

Oh where is the strength? Sigh.

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fwiw, reports from the field say that many affairs go undetected. (It's actually pretty simple deduction.) One caveat tho is they don't near as often go completely unknown, as usually the BS knows on some level, at some point.

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? I don't understand. There is far more turmoil and emotional confusion in your posts than there is pleasure. :(

 

Weren't you one of the people who told me I think too much and to sit in my silence? I did that.

 

Besides, people don't tend to post that they're happy and enjoying themselves and when that's the case. I mean it's not sunshine and rainbows for me, but it's enough for now. And LS only sees the bad stuff.

 

Just like not sharing with your family and friends when the bad stuff/thoughts are going on because they'll use it against you and your relationship down the road, so should I have done with LS. Having been here before, I know better. Ah well.

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And yet thou comes to OM/OW forum to post questions about nagging doubts and possible outcomes of said affair.

 

They're not nagging doubts. But I am concerned about the outcome should there ever be a D-Day. I don't want there to be one, I don't want the A to end insofar as it would mean not seeing him anymore.

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My friend told me of an affair she knows of that has been going on for 15 years. The wife has found a few times, and the cool off for a little bit, and then go right back to it.

 

My mm's wife caught messages on the phone a month ago. According to him she asks about me daily and he Denys that he's still talking to me.

 

Oh where is the strength? Sigh.

 

Those examples are kinda D-Days, to me anyway. They've just chosen not to take action.

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MuddyFootprints
Weren't you one of the people who told me I think too much and to sit in my silence? I did that.

 

Besides, people don't tend to post that they're happy and enjoying themselves and when that's the case. I mean it's not sunshine and rainbows for me, but it's enough for now. And LS only sees the bad stuff.

 

Just like not sharing with your family and friends when the bad stuff/thoughts are going on because they'll use it against you and your relationship down the road, so should I have done with LS. Having been here before, I know better. Ah well.

 

Yes, I was.

 

If you are satisfied, I have nothing to offer.

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ladydesigner
Unless I or MM end it for real and completely (and at this point I don't see that happening), I feel like this A could go on for forever. He's far too careful to ever get caught; I'm certain he never will (and I will never tell).

 

Did any of you OW/OM have a LTA that never got caught?

 

RoseVille only you know best what you are willing to tolerate. I wouldn't be certain he will never get caught you don't know that.

 

From my own example when I was the MOW, my WH did not find out until I told him about it when I discovered his 2nd A. He probably wouldn't of found out had I not told him, or I guess there would also be the possibility of my xOM telling him.

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If you are young, you are compromising the core of your being by staying in an affair. It will affect you deeply and you may never untwist your self to know who you are.

 

 

I suggest you let him go, you are just wasting your youth away.

 

 

2/3 of affairs go undetected, so if you are careful you can avoid a dday. But if you say you don't want a dday, the only way to do that is to stop the affair.

 

 

I can tell you that as much as i have missed my perceptiom of the guy in my story for a long time, I have always been happy to have ended the affair.

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RoseVille only you know best what you are willing to tolerate. I wouldn't be certain he will never get caught you don't know that.

 

From my own example when I was the MOW, my WH did not find out until I told him about it when I discovered his 2nd A. He probably wouldn't of found out had I not told him, or I guess there would also be the possibility of my xOM telling him.

 

I cannot imagine how she'd ever find out. All of our communication is in person, personal iMessage that he immediate deletes, and phone calls on our work phones. Other than pics he keeps on a locked down app on his phone, there's no evidence for her to ever find. Our encounters happen during his general/vague work hours, either at work or at my home that is nearby.

 

Unless he tells her outright, she'll never know. And he has no motivation to do that.

 

My tolerance level changes with the week. I realize that next week I'll probably be in a "He sucks!" mood.

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If you are young, you are compromising the core of your being by staying in an affair. It will affect you deeply and you may never untwist your self to know who you are.

 

That's my only real concern. Every relationship I've been in with an unavailable man (and other than this, I mean him to be emotionally or geographically unavailable), it's done a number on me. Yet, they get easier and easier to get over.

 

I think that's the heart of it, really. I'm convinced, based on experience, that there isn't a better option out there for me than what's before me right now, if I want a connection and intimacy in my life. I've tried pretty hard, can't find it.

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Unless I or MM end it for real and completely (and at this point I don't see that happening), I feel like this A could go on for forever. He's far too careful to ever get caught; I'm certain he never will (and I will never tell).

 

Did any of you OW/OM have a LTA that never got caught?

 

How can you be certain?

 

I think saying you're certain is a little much IMO. Also, the longer one does it the more and more chances you have of getting caught or getting lax, as well as being careful cannot factor in EVERY SINGLE possibility. You can only factor in some possibilities, not all, and that's where it's not fail proof. The possibility of someone who knows BS and MM seeing you all some place and mentioning it to BS not even thinking anything of it, the possibility of him having gone somewhere with you and forgetting about a receipt and she finds it and starts questioning, I mean the possibilities are endless in terms of things people cannot possibly prepare for or don't think of. I mean I don't know what LTA means for you, but you say now you have the A during work hours and he comes to your house, I can't imagine having such a limited relationship would be pleasurable for years on end.

 

Also the level at which you'd have to be careful for yeaaaars would seem awful to me anyway to be on high alert for an extended period of time.

 

But I wasn't in a LTA so I can't tell you. I wasn't cut out for it. Maybe he could have done it for years, I couldn't. Mine lasted a little over 2 years and by that point I was DONE. I was thoroughly in love which is what made it even more difficult to accept the limitations. In our case he may have had less chance of being found out because it was also long distance, but I wouldn't even then say it was fail proof. A dday never occurred (that I knew of) but if it had continued for several years the chance of that would only increase.

 

Gently, I also realize you're in bargaining mode. BTDT and your threads are in quick succession of different threads of thought, exhibiting the fluctuation of feelings that anyone feels during any breakup. It's not unusual to go from anger and being done, to feeling like all is well, I wasn't happy but now I can somehow erase all the bad and it will all be good so long as I can be with him. Most of us have been there in that denial and bargaining phase where we feel like having the person is better than not having them so we forget why it wasn't working and all of a sudden put on rose-tinted glasses and a bit of delusional thinking to ice it off....I feel like you're going through that phase right now and hopefully you ride it out and realize no man is ALL THAT that you really have to do that. You'll be hurt for a little not being with him but if you don't want a dday and don't want the drama, you're better off leaving it alone..you will eventually get over it and him. It may not feel like it now but it's really a mind trick and something you can ride out and realize it gets better.

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I cannot imagine how she'd ever find out. All of our communication is in person, personal iMessage that he immediate deletes, and phone calls on our work phones. Other than pics he keeps on a locked down app on his phone, there's no evidence for her to ever find. Our encounters happen during his general/vague work hours, either at work or at my home that is nearby.

 

Unless he tells her outright, she'll never know. And he has no motivation to do that.

 

The errant message not deleted. The message not meant for prying - or even accidental eyes...the loose lips of a coworker (most workplace A's are known at the office). A monetary transaction unexplained. A gift receipt left about. Box of condoms when they don't use them? Strange perfume on the collar. So many little, seemingly inconsequential things, individually or in aggregate- can blow it wide open.

 

IMO/IME - its the dangerous feeling of superiority described above in an A that leads to d-day.

 

Do LTA go undiscovered. Of course!

Will yours? Time will tell.

 

I can tell you, w/o a doubt, d-day will be catastrophic for him AND for you. Have plans to mitigate the damage. And believe me, there will be damage - and, rightly or wrongly, you will bear most of it. Have a plan.

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still_an_Angel

I believe it may only be a matter of time before my A blows out in the open. Sometimes the most simple thing leads to something big, and I'm not arrogant enough to think me and MM have perfected the workings of our communication and contact to a T. There will always be something that his W might pick on that is so ordinary that it will stick out for her, enough to alert her that its not really ordinary and normal.

 

 

In saying that, I consider our A to be LT, we just talked about how we "negotiated" in the beginning of our D/s relationship but its now evolved and lasted longer than we thought it would. So far, there have been no D-day, whether by luck, or by careful avoidance, not really sure, we are certainly very careful, text messages are coded, schedules and plans made out in advance, no perfume or make-up, etc. Is D-day avoidable? Ours has certainly been a work in progress.

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the_artist_1970
Because I'm in love with him, that's why.

 

Love is no excuse to be a side chick who is hidden. Don't you want to meet his family and be a part of his real life? Don't you want a man who won't hide you?

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gettingstronger
That's my only real concern. Every relationship I've been in with an unavailable man (and other than this, I mean him to be emotionally or geographically unavailable), it's done a number on me. Yet, they get easier and easier to get over.

 

I think that's the heart of it, really. I'm convinced, based on experience, that there isn't a better option out there for me than what's before me right now, if I want a connection and intimacy in my life. I've tried pretty hard, can't find it.

 

 

This is the heart of the issue I think-instead of over analyzing this relationship would it be possible to put some of your mental energy in to figuring out how you got "here"- to where you believe 1. you need a relationship 2. you are settling for this one-

Are you confusing drama and connection- I do worry that if you have told MM how defeated you are in the belief of a sustainable relationship that he can use that to manipulate you-

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