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Brokenintwo

Been lurking here for months now- finally got the courage to register/post.

 

I met the love of my life over 20 years ago- but he was married, with kids. I knew he had a reputation as a flirt, but I just felt something special between us.

Nothing ever happened, though, so I knew then that it was one sided. A few years went by, and I married my high school sweetheart, had kids, and settled into a routine-but I still harbored love/longing for this man.

 

I got promoted to a position reporting directly to MM. At first I was thrilled, but after a while, being so close yet so far from him took its toll. I left for another opportunity, hoping that distance would kill my unrequited love.

 

More years passed. My marriage was never anything but humdrum, and I finally got sick of the whole career/wife/mother thing. I had an affair. My husband found out. We got divorced, and he got custody- and I was really fine with being an every-other-weekend mom, because it was best for the kids.

 

Right around this time, I got recruited for a big job by the love of my life. I was a little fearful, but took it. I thought the stars might have aligned at last. Again, there were rumors about him in the workplace, but I ignored them.

 

It took the stars three years to align the right way- but, finally, on a business trip, they did. It was the most wonderful night of my life- and the next three and a half months were the happiest I have ever been. I loved him. He loved me. We emailed, texted, and met at least three times a week for sex- snuck into where ever we could for kisses and cuddling. I knew the day was coming when he would finally be really, really mine. . .

 

He called me to tell me he could no longer continue the way we were. He was unhappy and guilty all the time. I was thrilled- I thought for sure it meant that he would leave her that weekend. I waited all day Saturday to hear from him, but he never called. On Sunday I sent an email telling him how much I loved him, how worried I was for him, and reminded him that we could now plan a glorious future together.

 

Three hours later, I got a response. It said"it's over. Don't email, call, or sent telegrams."

 

I was heartbroken. Then, I thought that maybe SHE had sent it, so I tried to call him on our phone- but it went to voicemail. Few hours later, he called- and reiterated that it was over.

 

I was devestated.

 

Still, I had some hope, because I reasoned that he was overwhelmed by the thought of starting over. The next day at work, I came into his office and tried to discuss things with him. I reminded him of our phone conversation- how he felt he could not go on this way- and he looked at me like I had just landed from Mars. I will never forget his words then- "You thought I would leave my WIFE for you?!?!". I was shocked. He might as well have called me a whore.

 

Well, he went on to tell me that I wasn't the first-I guess all the rumors were true- but that his wife had found my email, and he would not, could not, let this mean the end for him. He loved her, and would do whatever he needed to do to save his marriage. Then I got furious, and demanded to know why, if he "loved" her so much, he had been with me and, by admission, others. His response? "I'm an idiot, that's why".

 

I left shaking. I left for the rest of the week, and only came back because he left on a two week trip.

 

With her.

 

All of this happened last year over Memorial Day weekend- not my favorite holiday now- but the reason I reached out is that, he left today for Hawaii- with her- they're going to renew their wedding vows.

 

I feel like I want to find a hole, crawl n, and never crawl out again.

 

I know I should find another job- I know I should be over this- but I have no energy to even look after myself. I've gained thirty pounds, and have no energy to exercise or eat right. I have no self esteem left. I don't know where to turn, or what to do.

 

I don't know why I'm posting here, really, other than to find someplace, somebody, to tell my story. Maybe even get a little sympathy- I don't know.

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mysterywoman

Hi, I have been in a very similiar position emotionally. My 'love of my life' threw me under the bus as well. As soon as my husbànd found out it was like night and day. We met and he gave me a care and a long note basically telling me to find someone else. Thinks he was scared his whole world would blow up after that as it seems yours is as well. He would never want to not see his son as he reached for work and barely sees him as it is. His wife would divorce him if she ever found out he told me and he thought now my husband would possibly follow him home or hire a Private Investigator he didn't know what he would do. Needless to say I was heartbroken beyond words, stopped eating much for awhile then went the opposite direction and gained all the weight I lost and more.

Just recently started eating healthier again and starting to exercise again. It has taken a huge toll on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. I thought I could replace him with another affair, started down that road again but realized it won't be the same because it's not him. I will never be with another man physically like that again. I feel like I'm cheating on him. Weird I'm sure.

I am just starting to come out if the fog after a very long time. Bot talking to him in any way no communication AT ALL is the only way I have found tgat helps. When even little things everyday things remind me of him. The pain that was so great is now lessening. Time and distance seems to be the only thing that had helped.

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He keeps doing this because he can. He's done it before, and will do it again. His wife keeps taking him back. He's a serial cheater. There's the man who has an affair, who generally has feelings for his AP, but cannot go on because he knows he's stuck in the middle. He chooses his wife and his family. THAT is not the type of man who you were with. Yours? He just keeps doing it and doing it because he wants something on the side. His wife catches him, he woos her with trips and new vows, and down the road, she'll catch him again. Wash, rinse, repeat. You dodged a bullet on this.

 

Find a new job, like yesterday. If I have ever heard of a case where the OP needs to, it's this one. Get some therapy, get exercising. The longer you sit and dwell, the worse it's going to get. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get moving. I don't say that to be harsh, I say it because the longer you sit and dwell, the longer depression festers and the worse it gets. Believe me, I'm just starting to pull myself out of a months-long funk. I wasted a lot of physical and emotional time and energy on an a&$hole. I still have my bad moments (and sometimes days), but we have to take care of ourselves. No one else is going to, it's up to us to be kind to ourselves.

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Oh isn't he a peach? At least he could have given you the gift of an affair that leaves you losing weight.

 

My affair also ruined memorial day weekend for me, so I feel for you on that one.

 

Do you still want him or are you just having trouble letting go? I can assure you his wife wants you at another job more than you do.

 

As far as their vow renewal, I know you won't believe it cause you are emotionaly involved, but for a serial cheater to change his way...yeah, tough. Plus vow renewals scream insecutity in some cases and cover an attempt to keep everything from falling apart. Not to give you false hope, cause I wouldn't want you with this guy anyway. You don't want to be with such a misogynistic slut shaming idiot (by his own admission).

 

Give it time, a couple more years and MOVE yesterday. For your own sake.

Edited by cutedragon
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Brokenintwo

Thanks for the replies. Goldie, She didn't keep taking him back- she had no idea what he was doing until she came across my email. To be honest, considering the circumstances, I think he wanted to get caught-- he certainly threw me u der the bus quick enough.

 

Anyway, it seems he confessed EVERYTHING then- I really don't want to tell that part of the story now because it's too hard- maybe later- but I know she found out everything right after that DDay- including everything about us.

 

Suffice to say I made an even bigger mistake than having an affair with him in the first place- and got even more hurt.

 

I really do want to change jobs. Seeing him is torture. He does not make eye contact, only "speaks" with me via completely work related email, and generally makes me feel invisible. What I need to do is to Marshall all my courage and get out there- but, so far, I don't have the mental energy needed.

 

Did I mention how much this sucks? This really, really sucks.

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So what you're saying is he got caught with your affair, then confessed everything? Including his other affairs?

 

Either way. This dude is a typical serial cheater. Not the once over "oops, I shouldn't have ended up having feelings for this other woman, this is really bad and it needs to stop" type. This guy is just going to keep going and going.

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I wish I could send your post to every woman that's "in love" with a married man. This is what happens. Every time. Without exception. The marriage may end in divorce, or it may go this direction, but he doesn't love his mistress, he doesn't love his wife or he wouldn't have a mistress.

 

You're very wrong about that.

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Sorry. I would get some daily sunshine, play happy music, jump around exercising, eat healthy greens, get lots of sleep! Get all buff! And then get a new job. Cut all contact with him.

 

He doesn't seem like he'll bother you while you're working there. He's got other fish to catch. He's a pro at cheating.

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Quiet Storm

Brokenintwo, I think you should try to get emotionally stronger. Do things you love, hang out with your friends, get joy from your kids, exercise, watch funny movies, hug your pets if you have them. It's going to take time and patience to grieve this. Don't give up hope that your feelings will become more positive over time.

 

I don't doubt that some MM love their OW, but people love things differently...does he love her character, her personality. Does he care for her well being? Or is it the selfish, masculine "I love steak and action movies" kind of love- entertainment, satisfaction, excitement?

 

I don't doubt the feelings exist, I just wish MMs love and attention wasn't valued by the OW so much. MM have nice words and believable lies, they create amazing chemistry and intense emotions... but they are either rotten or broken on the inside. MMs are cute, funny, smart, romantic, successful... but they are total POSs. It's like loving a cute rabid fox. I think many OW love the idea of MM, love what she hopes MM will be, love the image MM has at work, sympathizes with him- but when you think about who the MM really is, as a person, is it love? Or that he just makes OW feel good?

 

Broken, I don't feel it now, but he has done you a favor. He is not a good guy. You can come back from this and build a better life.

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OK this is a minor point, but I have to clarify - telegrams?

Did you communicate with him via telegrams in the past?

It just seems like such an odd thing to say...

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LovelyBrown
OK this is a minor point, but I have to clarify - telegrams?

Did you communicate with him via telegrams in the past?

It just seems like such an odd thing to say...

 

LOL, I was wondering the same.

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Artie Lang

this guy sounds like a total player... and you got played, alright. those "rumors" you heard about him might've had some truth to them.

 

 

to be honest, only time will tell if you get over it. i do want to point out that you are still romanticizing your time/affair with him. playing up this fantasy is not helping your recovery. see it for what it really is... confusion on your part for what it really was to him- a fling. i don't mean to sound crass but it's time to snap back to reality and make a go at your life... stop feeling sorry for yourself.

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GirlStillStrong

BrokenInTwo, If I have learned nothing else, I have learned not to EVER define myself and the way I feel about me by the way someone else treats me. This guy is a DOG and you need to shift all the ownership for what has happened onto HIM.

 

When I have been in your position, hurting and stuck in depression from someone else's behavior, it has helped me to vow to myself that I am going to do ONE thing to set me on a path back to health, back to my true self. I've never found anything more powerful in its ability to help me this way than yoga. I strongly suggest you sign up for a class as soon as possible.

 

Also, focusing on what happened in the past and how badly you feel will keep you feeling poorly and treating yourself badly. Focus on the future and one small goal. Leave this useless slob in your dust. Stop letting him take up precious space in your brain, rent-free!

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Southern Sun
OK this is a minor point, but I have to clarify - telegrams?

Did you communicate with him via telegrams in the past?

It just seems like such an odd thing to say...

 

I'll ask the OP to forgive me if I'm wrong, but this and a few other things about this post are screaming troll to me...

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lana-banana
OK this is a minor point, but I have to clarify - telegrams?

Did you communicate with him via telegrams in the past?

It just seems like such an odd thing to say...

 

Telegram is an extremely secure messaging app; the OP and MM probably used it for private communications. I've never heard anyone call the individual messages "Telegrams" before but I don't think she's trolling.

 

OP: my heart goes out to you. I'm very sorry and wish you healing in the months ahead.

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the_artist_1970
Been lurking here for months now- finally got the courage to register/post.

 

I met the love of my life over 20 years ago- but he was married, with kids. I knew he had a reputation as a flirt, but I just felt something special between us.

Nothing ever happened, though, so I knew then that it was one sided. A few years went by, and I married my high school sweetheart, had kids, and settled into a routine-but I still harbored love/longing for this man.

 

I got promoted to a position reporting directly to MM. At first I was thrilled, but after a while, being so close yet so far from him took its toll. I left for another opportunity, hoping that distance would kill my unrequited love.

 

More years passed. My marriage was never anything but humdrum, and I finally got sick of the whole career/wife/mother thing. I had an affair. My husband found out. We got divorced, and he got custody- and I was really fine with being an every-other-weekend mom, because it was best for the kids.

 

Right around this time, I got recruited for a big job by the love of my life. I was a little fearful, but took it. I thought the stars might have aligned at last. Again, there were rumors about him in the workplace, but I ignored them.

 

It took the stars three years to align the right way- but, finally, on a business trip, they did. It was the most wonderful night of my life- and the next three and a half months were the happiest I have ever been. I loved him. He loved me. We emailed, texted, and met at least three times a week for sex- snuck into where ever we could for kisses and cuddling. I knew the day was coming when he would finally be really, really mine. . .

 

He called me to tell me he could no longer continue the way we were. He was unhappy and guilty all the time. I was thrilled- I thought for sure it meant that he would leave her that weekend. I waited all day Saturday to hear from him, but he never called. On Sunday I sent an email telling him how much I loved him, how worried I was for him, and reminded him that we could now plan a glorious future together.

 

Three hours later, I got a response. It said"it's over. Don't email, call, or sent telegrams."

 

I was heartbroken. Then, I thought that maybe SHE had sent it, so I tried to call him on our phone- but it went to voicemail. Few hours later, he called- and reiterated that it was over.

 

I was devestated.

 

Still, I had some hope, because I reasoned that he was overwhelmed by the thought of starting over. The next day at work, I came into his office and tried to discuss things with him. I reminded him of our phone conversation- how he felt he could not go on this way- and he looked at me like I had just landed from Mars. I will never forget his words then- "You thought I would leave my WIFE for you?!?!". I was shocked. He might as well have called me a whore.

 

Well, he went on to tell me that I wasn't the first-I guess all the rumors were true- but that his wife had found my email, and he would not, could not, let this mean the end for him. He loved her, and would do whatever he needed to do to save his marriage. Then I got furious, and demanded to know why, if he "loved" her so much, he had been with me and, by admission, others. His response? "I'm an idiot, that's why".

 

I left shaking. I left for the rest of the week, and only came back because he left on a two week trip.

 

With her.

 

All of this happened last year over Memorial Day weekend- not my favorite holiday now- but the reason I reached out is that, he left today for Hawaii- with her- they're going to renew their wedding vows.

 

I feel like I want to find a hole, crawl n, and never crawl out again.

 

I know I should find another job- I know I should be over this- but I have no energy to even look after myself. I've gained thirty pounds, and have no energy to exercise or eat right. I have no self esteem left. I don't know where to turn, or what to do.

 

I don't know why I'm posting here, really, other than to find someplace, somebody, to tell my story. Maybe even get a little sympathy- I don't know.

 

I'm sending you hugs. Do you have family that you can surround yourself with? Maybe you should see your kids more often than every other weekend. They really need you and you would be surprised at how, if you involved yourself more in their life, how nothing else will really matter. They need you and you need them.

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the_artist_1970
You're very wrong about that.

 

Rose, you are very comfortable being the OW in an affair, but she is right. Cheating MM only love themselves and they find vulnerable women like you to believe the lies that they tell. No person is trapped in a M. They are in a M because it is where they want to be. Sadly, good women like you fall for the MM lies which is really a shame.

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Brokenintwo

Telegram is an app that is much more secure than Whatsapp. It's what we used.

 

Thanks for the hugs and advice. I'd like to spend more time with my kids, but they are older and kindof have their own lives now. When they were younger and my ex and I got divorced, we made the decision that they would stay with him for their- not my- benefit. He was always more "primary" than I, given the nature of my work. Still, I think the kids resent me, which hurts.

 

Just one more area of my life that is messed up. . .

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