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So complicated need guidance sorry its long


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I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

 

MM and I met about 7.5 years ago now; I was 19, and he was22 and single. How we met isn’t important, I don’t think. But the short storyof that is it was through a mutual acquaintance.

 

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of a year and a half,because he went to a party his ex was at – an ex who religiously sent him dirtytext messages despite knowing he had a girlfriend – and refused to let me come along.

 

MM and I met, and we went on a few dates, and became acouple. He was sweet, and kind, and I was notused to that… not that myprevious boyfriends were total jerks… they just weren’t gentlemanly. MM was agood guy, and wanted something real and serious, and at the time that’s what Ithought I wanted as well; but I was young, and he was only my 3rd boyfriend, and neither of us were comfortable/experienced sexually. He didknow he wanted to get married one day, and have kids, and at that point in mylife, I was adamant I didn’t want either of those things.

 

We had fun though. But I messed up, and so did he.

 

I took him for granted, and he was paranoid about the ex Ihad just broken up with – even though I didn’t talk to his ex, or see him oranything. The short story of our break up was that MM believed what one of my“friends” told him, that I was missing my ex, and seeing him etc – turns outshe was into MM.

 

He broke up with me, but the way it felt was off to me; itfelt like he wanted me to fight for him and scream and cry. Due to thecircumstances – him taking my friends word over mine – I was just pissed andtold him to grow up, and that was that.

 

Years passed, and we were in and out of each other’s lives.He would be dating someone, and we would start talking – just talking – andhanging out, and he just wouldn’t be able to continue dating that girl anymore,and he’d break up with her, not for me, but for the idea of me and the hope of me. And we did date again, once.

 

Fast forward a few years, and I realize I want everything hewanted. I want the marriage, and the kids, and I want it with him.

 

Up to that point I’d always loved him, in a mild manner, andI believe that’s why neither of us could let go of the other. But at thispoint, I knew he was what I wanted. So I tried; I invited him over to my house,we hung out, I told him I was in if he was, and he was awkward and weird.

 

I kissed him, and it wasn’t like it usually was.

 

He left – despite me asking him not to – to go on a setup/double date his friends were setting up for him, but I didn't know that at the time.

And that’s where he met W.

 

Just writing this, my heart hurts knowing all that I do.

 

Him and W begin dating, I “move on” and date someone aswell; we still talk here and there.

 

Within 6 months, he moves into W’s house.

 

Within the year he proposes.

 

** At this point I think it's important to know that MM has always had this idea that marriage is what is expected of him.. by his family etc.**

 

He went out of his way to tell me on Blackberry messenger hewas going to propose.. he even sent me a picture of the ring.

 

That was a douche move, in my opinion.

 

But I sucked it up, and told him if he was sure, then good.But it all seemed really fast. And I was trying to be as unbiased as possible,because at this point my love for him had grown stronger.

 

He went through with the proposal, and we spoke less.Actually, I’m not sure we spoke at all for a while.

 

Then we started hanging out here and there again; usuallytaking walks somewhere… walking is our thing. And we usually end up at a playground.

The first few times he seemed happy. He didn’t offer up toomuch information about the wedding plans, even when I asked.

 

I was dating another guy at the time; actually, the youngerbrother of the most recent ex I had, so we were dating in secret. A year into that relationship, I would turn to MM foradvice, because I wasn’t ok being a secret anymore to this “boyfriend” of mine.MM’s advice was that if a man really wanted to be with a woman, nothingwould stop him from being with her.

 

Fast-forward a few months. That boyfriend and I broke up,and I was on a road trip to Alberta to distract myself, with no cell-phonereception. MM and I hadn’t been in contact for a few months at this point. WhenI was at the airport in Alberta – my friend stayed with her car for the summer,and I flew back – I turn my cell phone on, and have a text from MM.

 

He told his Fiance that he was having doubts and he wasn’tsure about anything, and he really wanted to talk to me.

 

I replied saying fine, I was flying back, and we couldfigure something out.

When we met up, he was the most miserable I have ever seen him. He looked unhappy, he sounded unhappy… he just wasn’t himself. He told me about how he didn’t feel like the Fiance was the one for him, that they weren’t lovers or friends, they just were. They didn’t have fun together, didn’t enjoy any of the same things, fought about stupid stuff all the time, and he was just unhappy.

 

I played Devil’s advocate, and told him maybe it’s coldfeet, maybe it’ll get better… at no point did I feed into this.

 

He didn’t want to go through with the wedding – apparently –but had no idea how he’d cancel it. Not because of the money – he said hecouldn’t have cared less about the money – but that he didn’t want to hurtanyone… meaning the fiancé, her family or his family.

 

Four months later, he ended up going through with the wedding.

 

We spoke those 4 months; we spoke after the wedding.

 

He was consistent with his unhappiness, and his reasons for being unhappy. Things didn’t get better once they were married; things weregetting worse.

 

He came over one night, slightly intoxicated, saying heneeded to talk to me.

 

He point blank, asked me to “wait for him”. That I was theone he wanted to be with, it’s always been me, that he’s never stoppedloving me. He kissed me.

 

We fooled around, I must admit.

 

He said he was going to spend the night, but decided against it because I lived with my mom.

 

He said he hoped he would go home, and the W would ask himwhere he’d been, and he would tell her the truth if he asked.

 

He has always been adamant, though, that she’s not a badperson; and that she doesn’t deserve what he’s been doing to her.

 

That was all almost 2 years ago.

 

MM and I have been involved ever since, to some extent.

 

It escalated to more than just fooling around – and by that I mean sex.

He seemed more and more miserable, but when we hang out heisn’t. He genuinely seems happy, and healthy.

 

We hang out properly, and sometimes we hang out and get intimate.

And it’s torture.

 

He says he will get a divorce, he knows he needs to, he’sjust afraid.

Afraid of disappointing his family, of hurting her.

 

And as selfish as it is of me, when I hear he’s afraid ofhurting her… I get upset… because he’s hurting me just fine.

 

A few months ago, unprompted, he told me he had arevelation, that he needs to get a divorce; this also upset me.. becauseI was operating under the assumption that he’s “known” this all along. But Iheld my tongue and let him continue. He went on about how he can’t live a lifebeing unhappy, and he isn’t happy with her and never will be, and that hedoesn’t want to talk about it any further, and he’s sure I have a millionquestions. He also said he wanted to wait until this September, after theofficial 2 year mark.

I was good, and I didn’t ask a thing, or say anything about it.

 

I’ve been good. I need my reassurances here and there… but Ithink I’ve been pretty damn good.

 

I must admit I’ve been very tempted to find the W’s contact information and tell her everything. But I haven’t, because I love MM, and I wouldn’t want to hurt him like that, and I will admit it, jeopardize our chances together.

 

At this point, my love for the MM has never been stronger. I want with all my being for him to be happy.

 

But I need this to come to a resolution; whether that’s himleaving and us trying to be together, or me walking away.

 

I have honestly tried to walk away; several times.

 

The last time I did good! Over 2 weeks without contact. Hehad texted me here and there, but they went into my spam folder… all hell brokeloose though when I realized I could check my spam folder.

 

We met up, and he explained everything. Why he was scared,how much he loved me, that he didn’t want me to stop living my life – as an OW…this bothers me to hear… yes, I get it… and it’s meant to be sweet andselfless… but I hear it and think “ok cool… he doesn’t care if I fool aroundwith other people, he doesn’t care if I move on and leave him”… I’m weird. But I told him - and it's the truth - I haven't "stop living my life"... I still go out and meet people and date etc... none of it feels right though. No one else is him.

 

He explained he has a general “plan” in his head – a divorce– but he doesn’t have any timelines for it.

 

He's also let me know that when he leaves - and it's always "when", not if - he couldn't jump into anything serious like moving in together, or getting engaged etc... and I wouldn't want him to. That wouldn't help either of us feel less crappy.. and he wants me and everyone else to know that he didn't leave FOR me... or because of me.

 

Also... off topic... but he sends weird texts that confuse me... maybe because I'm a female and read into them. But he was in Calgary on business last week, and I get a random text from him "if we ever decide to move somewhere... we're moving to Calgary." Huh? If WE decide to move somewhere? I love hearing that stuff.. but I'm trying really hard not to believe all the sweet things he says to me... because I don't want to be that naïve OW who winds up with nothing except a broken heart and broken promises.

 

He also has told me they don't have sex ... I believe him... but at the same time I don't want to be that dumb chick who believes everything he says and takes it for face value.

 

None of this makes sense to me… I feel like if everythingwere reversed, and I knew 100% he was ready to be with me, and I was actuallyunhappy in my marriage (if I was married) then knowing how he feels, and thatwe could start a proper relationship, would give me the strength and guts to get the divorce.

 

But who knows… I haven’t been in that situation.

 

 

And I know everyone probably thinks and says this, and I won't be an exception, but MM is truly the last guy I would ever expect of infidelity.. yes he's a guy and so statistics are against him.. but he was never THAT guy. And I never thought I'd be the OW... to anyone... ever.

 

I just googled the MM and W’s name to find their weddingdate to give an accurate timeline. And found that their wedding photos werefeatured in a 3 page spread in a wedding magazine… Elegant Weddings...

 

And now all I want to do is throw up.

 

I can’t explain what it is about that news … I’m not dumb,I know it’s real… but seeing something like that just makes me feel like it isREAL… not just in our little universe, but in the world.

 

What the hell is wrong with me….

 

I just want this to be resolved... whatever that outcome is.

 


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As I see it, the only way he's actually going to man up and get a divorce is if you remove yourself from his life.

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Your MM told you some time ago that if a man really wants to be with a woman nothing will stop him. If that's what he believes, then his actions would say he doesn't really want to be with you enough because things are stopping him.

 

 

I think you should really also spend some time away from him thinking about whether or not it is really him you want or the pkg......married, kids etc.

 

 

The reason I say this is, I get the sense you are at the age where your biological clock is screaming at you to find a partner. That can distort your thinking on whether or not someone is actually the best partner. It can also pressure you to go for the "low hanging fruit" of old partners rather than the fruit of a more suitable partner which will require more time/effort.

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Lois_Griffin

Surely you can't believe that a relatively newly married couple don't have sex?

 

And I think the random texts your getting aren't meant for you. I think the text about moving to Calgary was meant for his wife.

 

It's been two years of empty promises, lies, and future faking.

 

I'll guarantee you that his marriage is not the loveless, sexless, passionless liaison he keeps painting it to be. If it were, his wife would have probably left him already.

 

You know he's not leaving. If he were, he wouldn't have told you to 'continue living your life.' Come on.

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Thank you for the replies thus far.

 

 

Like I said.. I believe the things he says, but I try not to believe in them whole, because I don't want to be blinded by my feelings.

 

 

That said, I do know he travels a lot for work, and his wife often isn't home because of her job.

 

 

And even before they got married, the sex was an issue.

 

 

We will hang out, and he will refuse to fool around.

 

 

I know... all of this is so cliché.

 

 

I've tried to go NC... and it's so hard because he's been in my life for over 7 years. He's more than just a MM, he's a friend too.

When something happens, I want to tell him about it, like I do with all my friends.

 

 

I'm backing off though. I feel bad for the W... I don't feel bad for him.

 

 

I hate being this messed up... why did I let this happen?!

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Surely you can't believe that a relatively newly married couple don't have sex?

 

And I think the random texts your getting aren't meant for you. I think the text about moving to Calgary was meant for his wife.

 

It's been two years of empty promises, lies, and future faking.

 

I'll guarantee you that his marriage is not the loveless, sexless, passionless liaison he keeps painting it to be. If it were, his wife would have probably left him already.

 

You know he's not leaving. If he were, he wouldn't have told you to 'continue living your life.' Come on.

 

 

 

And the texts were meant for me, because he would follow up on them, asking why I didn't reply, what I thought of it, and then when we hung out he brought them up again.

 

 

Just explaining. Not getting defensive.

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the_artist_1970
I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

 

MM and I met about 7.5 years ago now; I was 19, and he was22 and single. How we met isn’t important, I don’t think. But the short storyof that is it was through a mutual acquaintance.

 

I had just broken up with my boyfriend of a year and a half,because he went to a party his ex was at – an ex who religiously sent him dirtytext messages despite knowing he had a girlfriend – and refused to let me come along.

 

MM and I met, and we went on a few dates, and became acouple. He was sweet, and kind, and I was notused to that… not that myprevious boyfriends were total jerks… they just weren’t gentlemanly. MM was agood guy, and wanted something real and serious, and at the time that’s what Ithought I wanted as well; but I was young, and he was only my 3rd boyfriend, and neither of us were comfortable/experienced sexually. He didknow he wanted to get married one day, and have kids, and at that point in mylife, I was adamant I didn’t want either of those things.

 

We had fun though. But I messed up, and so did he.

 

I took him for granted, and he was paranoid about the ex Ihad just broken up with – even though I didn’t talk to his ex, or see him oranything. The short story of our break up was that MM believed what one of my“friends” told him, that I was missing my ex, and seeing him etc – turns outshe was into MM.

 

He broke up with me, but the way it felt was off to me; itfelt like he wanted me to fight for him and scream and cry. Due to thecircumstances – him taking my friends word over mine – I was just pissed andtold him to grow up, and that was that.

 

Years passed, and we were in and out of each other’s lives.He would be dating someone, and we would start talking – just talking – andhanging out, and he just wouldn’t be able to continue dating that girl anymore,and he’d break up with her, not for me, but for the idea of me and the hope of me. And we did date again, once.

 

Fast forward a few years, and I realize I want everything hewanted. I want the marriage, and the kids, and I want it with him.

 

Up to that point I’d always loved him, in a mild manner, andI believe that’s why neither of us could let go of the other. But at thispoint, I knew he was what I wanted. So I tried; I invited him over to my house,we hung out, I told him I was in if he was, and he was awkward and weird.

 

I kissed him, and it wasn’t like it usually was.

 

He left – despite me asking him not to – to go on a setup/double date his friends were setting up for him, but I didn't know that at the time.

And that’s where he met W.

 

Just writing this, my heart hurts knowing all that I do.

 

Him and W begin dating, I “move on” and date someone aswell; we still talk here and there.

 

Within 6 months, he moves into W’s house.

 

Within the year he proposes.

 

** At this point I think it's important to know that MM has always had this idea that marriage is what is expected of him.. by his family etc.**

 

He went out of his way to tell me on Blackberry messenger hewas going to propose.. he even sent me a picture of the ring.

 

That was a douche move, in my opinion.

 

But I sucked it up, and told him if he was sure, then good.But it all seemed really fast. And I was trying to be as unbiased as possible,because at this point my love for him had grown stronger.

 

He went through with the proposal, and we spoke less.Actually, I’m not sure we spoke at all for a while.

 

Then we started hanging out here and there again; usuallytaking walks somewhere… walking is our thing. And we usually end up at a playground.

The first few times he seemed happy. He didn’t offer up toomuch information about the wedding plans, even when I asked.

 

I was dating another guy at the time; actually, the youngerbrother of the most recent ex I had, so we were dating in secret. A year into that relationship, I would turn to MM foradvice, because I wasn’t ok being a secret anymore to this “boyfriend” of mine.MM’s advice was that if a man really wanted to be with a woman, nothingwould stop him from being with her.

 

Fast-forward a few months. That boyfriend and I broke up,and I was on a road trip to Alberta to distract myself, with no cell-phonereception. MM and I hadn’t been in contact for a few months at this point. WhenI was at the airport in Alberta – my friend stayed with her car for the summer,and I flew back – I turn my cell phone on, and have a text from MM.

 

He told his Fiance that he was having doubts and he wasn’tsure about anything, and he really wanted to talk to me.

 

I replied saying fine, I was flying back, and we couldfigure something out.

When we met up, he was the most miserable I have ever seen him. He looked unhappy, he sounded unhappy… he just wasn’t himself. He told me about how he didn’t feel like the Fiance was the one for him, that they weren’t lovers or friends, they just were. They didn’t have fun together, didn’t enjoy any of the same things, fought about stupid stuff all the time, and he was just unhappy.

 

I played Devil’s advocate, and told him maybe it’s coldfeet, maybe it’ll get better… at no point did I feed into this.

 

He didn’t want to go through with the wedding – apparently –but had no idea how he’d cancel it. Not because of the money – he said hecouldn’t have cared less about the money – but that he didn’t want to hurtanyone… meaning the fiancé, her family or his family.

 

Four months later, he ended up going through with the wedding.

 

We spoke those 4 months; we spoke after the wedding.

 

He was consistent with his unhappiness, and his reasons for being unhappy. Things didn’t get better once they were married; things weregetting worse.

 

He came over one night, slightly intoxicated, saying heneeded to talk to me.

 

He point blank, asked me to “wait for him”. That I was theone he wanted to be with, it’s always been me, that he’s never stoppedloving me. He kissed me.

 

We fooled around, I must admit.

 

He said he was going to spend the night, but decided against it because I lived with my mom.

 

He said he hoped he would go home, and the W would ask himwhere he’d been, and he would tell her the truth if he asked.

 

He has always been adamant, though, that she’s not a badperson; and that she doesn’t deserve what he’s been doing to her.

 

That was all almost 2 years ago.

 

MM and I have been involved ever since, to some extent.

 

It escalated to more than just fooling around – and by that I mean sex.

He seemed more and more miserable, but when we hang out heisn’t. He genuinely seems happy, and healthy.

 

We hang out properly, and sometimes we hang out and get intimate.

And it’s torture.

 

He says he will get a divorce, he knows he needs to, he’sjust afraid.

Afraid of disappointing his family, of hurting her.

 

And as selfish as it is of me, when I hear he’s afraid ofhurting her… I get upset… because he’s hurting me just fine.

 

A few months ago, unprompted, he told me he had arevelation, that he needs to get a divorce; this also upset me.. becauseI was operating under the assumption that he’s “known” this all along. But Iheld my tongue and let him continue. He went on about how he can’t live a lifebeing unhappy, and he isn’t happy with her and never will be, and that hedoesn’t want to talk about it any further, and he’s sure I have a millionquestions. He also said he wanted to wait until this September, after theofficial 2 year mark.

I was good, and I didn’t ask a thing, or say anything about it.

 

I’ve been good. I need my reassurances here and there… but Ithink I’ve been pretty damn good.

 

I must admit I’ve been very tempted to find the W’s contact information and tell her everything. But I haven’t, because I love MM, and I wouldn’t want to hurt him like that, and I will admit it, jeopardize our chances together.

 

At this point, my love for the MM has never been stronger. I want with all my being for him to be happy.

 

But I need this to come to a resolution; whether that’s himleaving and us trying to be together, or me walking away.

 

I have honestly tried to walk away; several times.

 

The last time I did good! Over 2 weeks without contact. Hehad texted me here and there, but they went into my spam folder… all hell brokeloose though when I realized I could check my spam folder.

 

We met up, and he explained everything. Why he was scared,how much he loved me, that he didn’t want me to stop living my life – as an OW…this bothers me to hear… yes, I get it… and it’s meant to be sweet andselfless… but I hear it and think “ok cool… he doesn’t care if I fool aroundwith other people, he doesn’t care if I move on and leave him”… I’m weird. But I told him - and it's the truth - I haven't "stop living my life"... I still go out and meet people and date etc... none of it feels right though. No one else is him.

 

He explained he has a general “plan” in his head – a divorce– but he doesn’t have any timelines for it.

 

He's also let me know that when he leaves - and it's always "when", not if - he couldn't jump into anything serious like moving in together, or getting engaged etc... and I wouldn't want him to. That wouldn't help either of us feel less crappy.. and he wants me and everyone else to know that he didn't leave FOR me... or because of me.

 

Also... off topic... but he sends weird texts that confuse me... maybe because I'm a female and read into them. But he was in Calgary on business last week, and I get a random text from him "if we ever decide to move somewhere... we're moving to Calgary." Huh? If WE decide to move somewhere? I love hearing that stuff.. but I'm trying really hard not to believe all the sweet things he says to me... because I don't want to be that naïve OW who winds up with nothing except a broken heart and broken promises.

 

He also has told me they don't have sex ... I believe him... but at the same time I don't want to be that dumb chick who believes everything he says and takes it for face value.

 

None of this makes sense to me… I feel like if everythingwere reversed, and I knew 100% he was ready to be with me, and I was actuallyunhappy in my marriage (if I was married) then knowing how he feels, and thatwe could start a proper relationship, would give me the strength and guts to get the divorce.

 

But who knows… I haven’t been in that situation.

 

 

And I know everyone probably thinks and says this, and I won't be an exception, but MM is truly the last guy I would ever expect of infidelity.. yes he's a guy and so statistics are against him.. but he was never THAT guy. And I never thought I'd be the OW... to anyone... ever.

 

I just googled the MM and W’s name to find their weddingdate to give an accurate timeline. And found that their wedding photos werefeatured in a 3 page spread in a wedding magazine… Elegant Weddings...

 

And now all I want to do is throw up.

 

I can’t explain what it is about that news … I’m not dumb,I know it’s real… but seeing something like that just makes me feel like it isREAL… not just in our little universe, but in the world.

 

What the hell is wrong with me….

 

I just want this to be resolved... whatever that outcome is.

 

You can't seriously believe that a couple who have been M for two years doesn't have sex. Also, this man is running in and out of your life and you body any time he feels the need and you are allowing him. Something is off with your self esteem. You were sneaking around with an ex's younger brother and now you are sleeping with a MM who is feeding you a bunch of lines. You have to find a way to turn your self esteem and self worth around and not tolerate being a secret in any man's life. Dig deep and find out why you allowed yourself to partake in an affair. And this random text "if we ever decide to move somewhere... we're moving to Calgary" was absolutely meant for his W. This dude is feeding you and his W a bunch of bull.

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That text was meant for his wife. If it wasn't he wouldn't follow up on it he would have forgotten it. Kind of like an oh crap moment so overly smoothing it over.

Together 6 months and smitten enough to propose, surely you can see this guy only is searching for the new love "high". The limerence has worn off so he is chasing another rainbow. You are the old fall back girl. Old reliable. Whenever he needs an ego boost you're good to go. You are still new even though he has known you, because you haven't had the day in day out stuff.

Look he had many chances to get with you and he didnt. He told you point blank if a man loves enough he makes it happen.

Once he gets used to you he will chase another. The guy needs serious help.

 

The fact that you telling his wife would end you relationship says alot about the reality. He will throw you under the bus and save his marriage I would bet.

If you are such good friends why have you not been her friend too btw? That is not right at all from the very beginning.

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Brokenintwo

I agree with what will happen if you tell the wife. ExMM's wife found an email from me that caused a DDay- and i got thrown under the proverbial bus so fast your head would spin. I also found out exactly how much I meant to exMM- less than nothing.

 

Do yourself a favor and walk away while you still have some illusions of what you mean to this man. Your ego will thank you down the road. . .

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I had a big long response typed out... but I decided not to post it.

 

 

 

 

All I'm going to say is that this is supposed to be a "community" for support and guidance; that doesn't mean people have to be rude or negative.

 

 

I appreciate everyone's responses, and as I said I'm trying not to be that naïve woman. But the fact is MM and I have a long history, and it's complicated. Plus I believe every affair is complicated.



The fact of the matter is, unfortunately, in an affair it is near IMPOSSIBLE to know how the MM feels, and near IMPOSSIBLE to know what actually goes on at home with him and his W. And so affairs run on faith; and they end when that faith is no more.

 

 

If you're not going to be supportive and voice your opinions in a cordial manner, then please don't bother voicing them at all. Being the OW in and affair is already strenuous enough... Other Women don't need people to bash them in back handed ways as well.

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Kenzie: Ignore or report those who aren't supportive.

 

You're in a tough situation, and it's impossible to know what's really gone on in his head or within his primary relationship. But I really think the only way to transition into YOU being the primary relationship is to remove yourself entirely. No contact. Tell him to get ahold of you if and only if he's filed for divorce and no longer lives with his wife.

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Here is what is going to happen next. His wife is going to become pregnant. He is going to tell you some bull story about how she coerced him into having sex with her just one time and she became impregnated by that one encounter. Then he won't be able to leave her when she is pregnant, then he won't be able to leave when the baby is a newborn, they he won't be able to leave until the grandkids have all graduated from high school. Enjoy your wait.

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goodgirlgonebad15
I had a big long response typed out... but I decided not to post it.

 

 

 

 

All I'm going to say is that this is supposed to be a "community" for support and guidance; that doesn't mean people have to be rude or negative.

 

 

I appreciate everyone's responses, and as I said I'm trying not to be that naïve woman. But the fact is MM and I have a long history, and it's complicated. Plus I believe every affair is complicated.



The fact of the matter is, unfortunately, in an affair it is near IMPOSSIBLE to know how the MM feels, and near IMPOSSIBLE to know what actually goes on at home with him and his W. And so affairs run on faith; and they end when that faith is no more.

 

 

 

If you're not going to be supportive and voice your opinions in a cordial manner, then please don't bother voicing them at all. Being the OW in and affair is already strenuous enough... Other Women don't need people to bash them in back handed ways as well.

 

Hi there.

 

I re-read this thread twice because I wanted to see what you are referring to and quite honestly I don't see anyone being rude or mean to you. I see people telling you things you don't want to hear and being objective with you.

 

The feeling of people being "mean" tends to happen on this board when we don't hear alot of positives about our situation, or when people try to help us see the sitation for what it truly is...

 

I say that to say this...something in your gut is telling you this situation is not right...go with that.

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TaraMaiden2

kenzie, I actually think, in comparison to some comments I have seen over the years, that people honestly aren't being as harsh as you think they are...

 

I truly have seen a lot worse.

Heck, I will admit I've been guilty of the "bitch-slap" myself...!

 

Maybe in time you'll look back on this thread, and think "Damn, you know, they were right...!"

 

Maybe.

 

One thing is for sure.

This guy is running rings round you for one reason, and one alone.

 

Because he can.

Because he knows you're dependable and always there.

Sadly, after all this time, he's beginning to take your presence for granted. He knows that whatever hard-luck, woe-is-me story he comes to you with, it will rip you apart, and keep you hanging as his lean-on option.

 

You're a (an?) FWB. I dread the time when he comes to you (if at all) and tells you - horror of horrors - that his wife is now pregnant, and he will HAVE to stay because of the baby....

 

I'm not saying that will happen, but if it does happen, that's how it will play out.

Because his actions are yelling far louder than his words.

 

You're his option, his fail-safe, his 'soft-place-to-fall'

And sadly he's doing it precisely BECAUSE you two have history. He's EXPECTING you to always be there, to be a shoulder to lean on, a friend to cry with... because you always have been.

 

The fact is - I'm sorry - he's a big coward.

He had no bottle to back out of a marriage/wedding he KNEW was a drastic mistake, so what makes you believe in any small way, that he has the backbone to end it now?

 

This is a show that will run and run - if you permit it to do so. It will drag you down and beat you into submission and exhaust you emotionally.

 

You need, in order to change how you feel, and the dynamics too, to distance yourself and tell him that all this waiting for him is all very well, but what exactly are you supposed to be waiting for?

And why exactly SHOULD you put your life on hold, if he isn't prepared to do more at his end to get things moving?

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gettingstronger

You are young and I feel like this is way too complicated a situation for someone that has so many other options in life-

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Darren Steez

OM "Kenzie, she's pregnant... and I can explain...HALLELUJAH! There is a god, I didn't believe in immaculate conception but she's the proof!"

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GirlStillStrong
You are young and I feel like this is way too complicated a situation for someone that has so many other options in life-

I agree.

 

Kenzie, you need to stop listening to this guy because he is just feeding you a bunch of lines. I hear the same crap from my MM (and he is decades older than your MM; I'm sure he's used the same lines on multiple OW over the years he's been married) and I read others here saying their MMs say the exact same things. It's like they all read the same "How to get a woman to have a long term affair with you" book. Your MM tells you one thing but does the opposite, and you believe his words. You need to start believing the truth and the truth is shown in what he DOES.

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Wow, what a spineless douche. And to think, he's got 2 women that are head over heels for him. This world amazes me.

 

He's fed you lines and kept you on the hook for longer than he's even been married. #1. He met, then married, this woman when the two of you were flirting with dating each other. #2. He went on about being unhappy and not wanting to get married, but did anyway. #3. He wants a divorce and has set no timeline for it, at all. #4. Should I keep going?

 

Please walk away. NC, block all communication. Get him out of your life, as soon as possible.

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Southern Sun

I don't necessarily think he's feeding you lines, purposely lying, any of that. I even think the text was meant for you. But what I see is a man afraid to act. He probably does have feelings but who knows if he will ever actually do anything about them. But he is probably more conflicted than he is actually telling you. He is as afraid to hurt his wife as he might want to be with you. Worse, he will only get more conflicted as time goes on. It doesn't get EASIER to divorce as the marriage gets more entrenched. Especially if - oops - now there's a baby. Cost/benefit analysis.

 

I am afraid he is creating a fantasy world in his mind and pulling you into it, and there is simply a huge possibility he will never DO anything. Particularly if you continue to be there for him whenever he wants.

 

I believe another poster said that your best bet would be to draw a line and say you will not participate in an affair. However if and when he ends his marriage, and IF you are available at that time, you would love to hear from him. Because THAT'S the version you want (if indeed that's true and you aren't thriving on this clandestine and dramatic BS).

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I don't necessarily think he's feeding you lines, purposely lying, any of that. I even think the text was meant for you. But what I see is a man afraid to act. He probably does have feelings but who knows if he will ever actually do anything about them. But he is probably more conflicted than he is actually telling you. He is as afraid to hurt his wife as he might want to be with you. Worse, he will only get more conflicted as time goes on. It doesn't get EASIER to divorce as the marriage gets more entrenched. Especially if - oops - now there's a baby. Cost/benefit analysis.

 

I am afraid he is creating a fantasy world in his mind and pulling you into it, and there is simply a huge possibility he will never DO anything. Particularly if you continue to be there for him whenever he wants.

 

I believe another poster said that your best bet would be to draw a line and say you will not participate in an affair. However if and when he ends his marriage, and IF you are available at that time, you would love to hear from him. Because THAT'S the version you want (if indeed that's true and you aren't thriving on this clandestine and dramatic BS).

 

 

 

I appreciate everyone's responses, and I have actually taken the first step in NC.

 

 

NC for a few reasons... to gain perspective - both him and myself ... to try to get over it/get stronger ... and because I really don't want to be that OW, because I would be devastated if I found out there was an OW.

 

 

Now, I'd like to especially thank the above posted.. this is what I expected from this community. I appreciate tough love, but there is such a history between MM and I, and I truly believe every situation is different - and obviously in some ways, the same.

 

 

I truly DO believe he loves me, but you're right... he's afraid to act, to do anything.

 

 

I truly DO believe he is unhappy with his marriage, and that he wants out... but he's afraid.

 

 

And all I've done is be here for him... enough is enough.

 

 

I may cave down the road.. but I can't keep being his rock and his escape.

 

 

Thank you.

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the_artist_1970
I appreciate everyone's responses, and I have actually taken the first step in NC.

 

 

NC for a few reasons... to gain perspective - both him and myself ... to try to get over it/get stronger ... and because I really don't want to be that OW, because I would be devastated if I found out there was an OW.

 

 

Now, I'd like to especially thank the above posted.. this is what I expected from this community. I appreciate tough love, but there is such a history between MM and I, and I truly believe every situation is different - and obviously in some ways, the same.

 

 

I truly DO believe he loves me, but you're right... he's afraid to act, to do anything.

 

 

I truly DO believe he is unhappy with his marriage, and that he wants out... but he's afraid.

 

 

And all I've done is be here for him... enough is enough.

 

 

I may cave down the road.. but I can't keep being his rock and his escape.

 

 

Thank you.

 

And you are afraid of finding a real, committed partner who is committed only to you. That is why you really stay stuck with this guy. He's safe because of your fear of deep, true commitment. It has little to do with love. If you really think he is telling you the truth, how about having a conversation with his W. You will truly find out if he is lying to you and lying to her. The two of you can compare his stories. I am sure you will be blown away at the lies this man is telling you if you talk to his W.

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LivingWaterPlease

Kenzie, just saw your thread and want to let you know I believe the things he's telling you could very well be true, i.e. that he's unhappy, there's no sex, and he's fantasizing about the two of you moving to Calgary.

 

The other side of it is, though, as I believe you realize, he doesn't have the fortitude to do the right thing and divorce. And he may also be conflicted about his W and marriage and only sharing with you the negative aspects of their relationship.

 

For those who think a newly married couple is always having sex, think again. When some of my son's friends got married a couple of them told him after the wedding the wives no longer wanted sex. And they didn't have sex. This was during the first year of marriage. One of the couples divorced (she left him) and the other is still married, with two kids. Obviously they had sex but from what son (his close friend) said, it's rare.

 

Not sure why so many on LS seem to believe if a couple is married they're having sex. There are plenty of married couples who have no sex, or very little sex.

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Lois_Griffin
For those who think a newly married couple is always having sex, think again.

No one said they were ALWAYS having sex.

 

I said that it's pretty hard to believe that a newly married couple is NOT having sex at ALL. And it's not like they were a couple for YEARS and already in a routine. So yes, it would be hard to believe that a relatively 'still new' couple would be having NO SEX AT ALL.

 

And I stand by it.

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tell him to come back single, i had an MM who did, you need a few other social options than this, friends, do not prop up his dreary life

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