finally detaching

[norudder]

I went to a single parent support group. It was near a place that was a spot for xmm and I. I cried the whole way home. Is this how alcoholics feel when they need a meeting instead of relapsing? I KNOW its not a good situation and hes NOT a good guy but I found myself wanting to just hear his voice. Its insane.I had been doing so well and these feelings snuck up on me. Why do I have such s disconnect. He may not have loved me but I loved him and obviously haven't completely let go. He left that door open and I can't seem to completely shut it.

[davidromero43]

If you have ever seen an AA meeting, they drinks tons of coffee and chain smoke cigarettes. So you can give that a try. Or you can work on yourself. Go to a gym and be around other people. Go to Starbucks and people watch. If you can fill the time thinking about yourself, you won't think about some guy.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

I went to a single parent support group. It was near a place that was a spot for xmm and I. I cried the whole way home. Is this how alcoholics feel when they need a meeting instead of relapsing? I KNOW its not a good situation and hes NOT a good guy but I found myself wanting to just hear his voice. Its insane.I had been doing so well and these feelings snuck up on me. Why do I have such s disconnect. He may not have loved me but I loved him and obviously haven't completely let go. He left that door open and I can't seem to completely shut it.

I feel very similar to you expect I have alot of negative feelings for him, so at this point there really isn't much that could be said to get me back. But I do miss him...even though I know the truth about him. I just miss talking to him, back when I thought he was still a good person.

 

I think it is very hard when it feels like "the door is still left open" vs if the door has been slammed shut completely. It leaves alot of what ifs and if onlys I guess... My exMM has been messaging me alot the past couple days, wanting me to talk and hear him out. A part of me feels like if I just listen and see that everything is still the same, that will be it, I will be 100% done.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[goodgirlgonebad15]

If you have ever seen an AA meeting, they drinks tons of coffee and chain smoke cigarettes. So you can give that a try. Or you can work on yourself. Go to a gym and be around other people. Go to Starbucks and people watch. If you can fill the time thinking about yourself, you won't think about some guy.

 

I don't think the bolded is a good or healthy idea for the OP

 

However the rest the suggestions are great. Especially the gym, that helps me alot.

[norudder]

If you have ever seen an AA meeting, they drinks tons of coffee and chain smoke cigarettes. So you can give that a try. Or you can work on yourself. Go to a gym and be around other people. Go to Starbucks and people watch. If you can fill the time thinking about yourself, you won't think about some guy.

 

Har har. I think I spend too much time thinking in general.

[Satu]

Crying is part of the healing process, so it proves that you are healing.

[norudder]

I feel very similar to you expect I have alot of negative feelings for him, so at this point there really isn't much that could be said to get me back. But I do miss him...even though I know the truth about him. I just miss talking to him, back when I thought he was still a good person.

 

I think it is very hard when it feels like "the door is still left open" vs if the door has been slammed shut completely. It leaves alot of what ifs and if onlys I guess... My exMM has been messaging me alot the past couple days, wanting me to talk and hear him out. A part of me feels like if I just listen and see that everything is still the same, that will be it, I will be 100% done.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

Yes, its the "when it was good" and if only he weren't married he would be "that guy". But he was never really that guy. Ignorance was bliss.

[MissBee]

I went to a single parent support group. It was near a place that was a spot for xmm and I. I cried the whole way home. Is this how alcoholics feel when they need a meeting instead of relapsing? I KNOW its not a good situation and hes NOT a good guy but I found myself wanting to just hear his voice. Its insane.I had been doing so well and these feelings snuck up on me. Why do I have such s disconnect. He may not have loved me but I loved him and obviously haven't completely let go. He left that door open and I can't seem to completely shut it.

 

This is normal, even in ordinary breakups.

 

Forums like this wouldn't exist if we all just broke it off with folks, walked away, never looked back and never felt a thing.

 

The point to remember though is that the feelings will come and go in waves, some days you'll feel like you've taken 10 steps forward and then maybe next week you feel like you took 20 back. It eventually evens out with more days being forward steps, but for now, this is normal and the thing to remember is to feel what you feel but don't allow yourself to "relapse" or contact MM or think because you feel distraught you're supposed to go back into the A. I think that's what happens for some people when they end the A or any relationship. They don't realize that feeling terrible isn't a sign it's a mistake but rather is par for the course and you just have to ride it out. Some run back to the A and figure they'd rather have the person in some way than not at all or start downplaying how unhappy they were because of what I call "break up insanity" where you start rewriting history because of the pain and start looking back with rose-tinted glasses forgetting the whole point of why it ended.

 

Keep on moving forward and allow yourself to feel bad and break down as long as you keep it in perspective.

Edited May 13, 2015 by MissBee

[norudder]

This is normal, even in ordinary breakups.

 

Forums like this wouldn't exist if we all just broke it off with folks, walked away, never looked back and never felt a thing.

 

The point to remember though is that the feelings will come and go in waves, some days you'll feel like you've taken 10 steps forward and then maybe next week you feel like you took 20 back. It eventually evens out with more days being forward steps, but for now, this is normal and the thing to remember is to feel what you feel but don't allow yourself to "relapse" or contact MM or think because you feel distraught you're supposed to go back into the A. I think that's what happens for some people when they end the A or any relationship. They don't realize that feeling terrible isn't a sign it's a mistake but rather is par for the course and you just have to ride it out. Some run back to the A and figure they'd rather have the person in some way than not at all or start downplaying how unhappy they were because of what I call "break up insanity" where you start rewriting history because of the pain and start looking back with rose-tinted glasses forgetting the whole point of why it ended.

 

Keep on moving forward and allow yourself to feel bad and break down as long as you keep it in perspective.

 

Yes, I felt like I was teetering. If it feels bad without him why am I not with him.... and wanting to reach out against better judgement. Even if its just him to acknowledge some things or admit some truths but it's utterly pointless. He knows. Nothing would change or be better. It be a huge setback. Trying to ride out the urge.

 

Thanks for the assurance and advice.

[Quiet Storm]

Just like an alcoholic, you have to allow the smart, logical side of yourself drive your choices. That part of you has to babysit the weak part of you that just wants to hear his voice and reach out against your better judgement. It is inevitable that you will feel weak & you will seek the relief that only him (or booze or drugs) will bring. You can't make those feelings disappear, but you can learn how to manage them. You can have a plan for what you will do when you feel that way. You don't have to be a slave to your emotions.

[GirlStillStrong]

Yes, I felt like I was teetering. If it feels bad without him why am I not with him.... and wanting to reach out against better judgement. Even if its just him to acknowledge some things or admit some truths but it's utterly pointless. He knows. Nothing would change or be better. It be a huge setback. Trying to ride out the urge.

 

Thanks for the assurance and advice.

I'm going thru the same thing here. If I could change the way things are, I would have done it by now. I've been moping around, feeling down in the dumps, for days now. Thinking of the details hurts too much so I try to focus on the idea that if he could have left, he would have done so. It doesn't matter why he can't. It helps a little to keep in mind that calling him or seeing him is not going to help. He needs time to work through his own issues. Not only that, he can't miss me if I'm not gone. So I'm better off NC.

[MissBee]

Yes, I felt like I was teetering. If it feels bad without him why am I not with him.... and wanting to reach out against better judgement. Even if its just him to acknowledge some things or admit some truths but it's utterly pointless. He knows. Nothing would change or be better. It be a huge setback. Trying to ride out the urge.

 

Thanks for the assurance and advice.

 

Trust me, I know the feeling and I also know it's not worth it.

 

This wasn't with my exAP, but in an ordinary break up where it wasn't mutual, I remember it dragged on for almost two years because I kept breaking NC, kept reaching out, kept clamoring for "answers", for him to acknowledge certain things, admit some truths etc...he didn't or if he attempted to I still wanted more or was never satisfied with the answer and I even remember him saying no matter what he said I'd never be happy with it and I was so furious and adamant that that wasn't the case and he just wasn't providing good answers...lmao now I cringe at it. I vow NEVER to allow myself to get to that place again.

 

I sent so many texts, emails, etc. In the earlier days especially, I'd relapse and have break-up sex or reach out with a casual text like a junkie and for a few minutes, maybe a few hours I felt better, maybe even a few days, but eventually I would crash and feel worse because ultimately nothing changed and the "hit" I got, I just wanted more and he couldn't give it and it was CRAZY making! Having gone through that, I get that people break NC and you just have to start over if it happens, but from experience most times the relief, euphoria, calm you feel when you get a "hit" is short lived and you end up feeling worse later and it took me a LONG TIME to realize that when I felt sad, desperate to call, text, see him...if I actually waited, did something else, slept on it, the feelings subsided naturally, I could come to my senses again. I felt stronger and took leaps forward and felt better and more in control each day more than when I gave in to the urges then I'd end up feeling weak, pathetic, disappointed, desperate, out of control...it was awful.

Edited May 13, 2015 by MissBee

[norudder]

Trust me, I know the feeling and I also know it's not worth it.

 

This wasn't with my exAP, but in an ordinary break up where it wasn't mutual, I remember it dragged on for almost two years because I kept breaking NC, kept reaching out, kept clamoring for "answers", for him to acknowledge certain things, admit some truths etc...he didn't or if he attempted to I still wanted more or was never satisfied with the answer and I even remember him saying no matter what he said I'd never be happy with it and I was so furious and adamant that that wasn't the case and he just wasn't providing good answers...lmao now I cringe at it. I vow NEVER to allow myself to get to that place again.

 

I sent so many texts, emails, etc. In the earlier days especially, I'd relapse and have break-up sex or reach out with a casual text like a junkie and for a few minutes, maybe a few hours I felt better, maybe even a few days, but eventually I would crash and feel worse because ultimately nothing changed and the "hit" I got, I just wanted more and he couldn't give it and it was CRAZY making! Having gone through that, I get that people break NC and you just have to start over if it happens, but from experience most times the relief, euphoria, calm you feel when you get a "hit" is short lived and you end up feeling worse later and it took me a LONG TIME to realize that when I felt sad, desperate to call, text, see him...if I actually waited, did something else, slept on it, the feelings subsided naturally, I could come to my senses again. I felt stronger and took leaps forward and felt better and more in control each day more than when I gave in to the urges then I'd end up feeling weak, pathetic, disappointed, desperate, out of control...it was awful.

 

 

That's good perspective. I like the idea of putting the R in terms of a nonA bf/gf, makes it seem a little less intense. People breakup all the time and often one is left with feelings of unrequited love.

[norudder]

I hate how we left things. He's staying M for at least 4 years"for the youngest to graduate". He said we are working toward the same thing and wants us to be able to start from scratch. He also said he knows he can't ask me to put my life on hold and the healthiest thing is to move on. Even though he sees himself as the one waiting to be with me. What a mindf***. It takes advantage of my feelings for him but absolves him of taking any action and makes him look like the good guy no matter what the outcome. He said he was thinking of telling her to discuss discretion until D so I would trust him. That was a while ago though and he hasnt reached out. Who does he think he is that I'll be waiting. Why do I feel guilty and some lingering loyalty.

 

I KNOW the healthy thing is to move on. He thinks we have an unspoken understanding. But I want him to know I see through what hes doing and wouldn't want to give a second chance to a guy who would string me along like that anyway even though he's saying he doesn't want to string me along. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of being able to play the martyr card when his wife divorces him and he looks me up but I've moved on.

Edited May 20, 2015 by norudder

[whichwayisup]

You're projecting way into the future with something that is totally out of your control. Do you really and truly believe in FOUR years he's going to divorce? Or even if his wife finds out, you can't assume she'll just divorce him. With kids involved and a long history, life entwined etc., nobody can predict for sure what would happen.

 

Yes you SHOULD move on and if he comes looking for you in 4 years, tell him to shove it up his a.ss!

 

Make your own closure with this and don't rely on him at all. Your silence and actions for YOU, IS your closure. What you do from now on is what counts, not what he thinks/feels/wants.

[Midwestmissy]

Married cheaters are cowards. He's not leaving his marriage. He doesn't want to. People get divorced with little kids every day. Because they want to. Run away. By saying its for his son, he thinks it makes him look like a good daddy. Good daddies model moral adult behaviour, they don't emotionally abuse their children's mother by risking their mental and sexual health. That puts a child at risk, but he doesn't want to admit that, he thinks he's a good martyr of a dad. My wh played everything so he seemed to be benevolent and in control. At the end of the day, he was clueless, in over his head and incompetent. And a lot ofpeople he was responsible for suffered. Walk away and maintain your dignity, he's a simpering impotent fool concerned with how a good man is perceived instead of what a true man actually does. You'll respect yourself and you're worth that.

[velvette]

I hate how we left things. He's staying M for at least 4 years"for the youngest to graduate". He said we are working toward the same thing and wants us to be able to start from scratch. He also said he knows he can't ask me to put my life on hold and the healthiest thing is to move on. Even though he sees himself as the one waiting to be with me. What a mindf***. It takes advantage of my feelings for him but absolves him of taking any action and makes him look like the good guy no matter what the outcome. He said he was thinking of telling her to discuss discretion until D so I would trust him. That was a while ago though and he hasnt reached out. Who does he think he is that I'll be waiting. Why do I feel guilty and some lingering loyalty.

 

I KNOW the healthy thing is to move on. He thinks we have an unspoken understanding. But I want him to know I see through what hes doing and wouldn't want to give a second chance to a guy who would string me along like that anyway even though he's saying he doesn't want to string me along. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of being able to play the martyr card when his wife divorces him and he looks me up but I've moved on.

 

He said, he thinks, he knows, he's waiting, blah blah.

 

 

The only thing he has done is end the affair using what's commonly called "letting her down easy".

 

 

I don't think you will be hearing from this guy again or 4 years from now either unless he wants to restart the A.

 

 

But, he doesn't sound like someone who is leaving and more than likely your A is just too messy for him now that you are no longer also married.

Edited May 20, 2015 by velvette

[Popsicle]

This is why you need to break up with the MM before he breaks up with you!!!!

[ladydesigner]

Married cheaters are cowards. He's not leaving his marriage. He doesn't want to. People get divorced with little kids every day. Because they want to. Run away. By saying its for his son, he thinks it makes him look like a good daddy. Good daddies model moral adult behaviour, they don't emotionally abuse their children's mother by risking their mental and sexual health. That puts a child at risk, but he doesn't want to admit that, he thinks he's a good martyr of a dad. My wh played everything so he seemed to be benevolent and in control. At the end of the day, he was clueless, in over his head and incompetent. And a lot ofpeople he was responsible for suffered. Walk away and maintain your dignity, he's a simpering impotent fool concerned with how a good man is perceived instead of what a true man actually does. You'll respect yourself and you're worth that.

 

Yep! So true. My Wh also did the same. He strung his MOW along for 3 years, while we were all falling apart at home. All of this madness and destruction for some selfish needs being met.

[norudder]

This is why you need to break up with the MM before he breaks up with you!!!!

 

I did. This came after. I got a D. I didn't pressure him for a D but he knew I wanted a relationship with him but if he wasn't going to D I wasn't going to continue the A.

 

I came to realize we didn't really feel the same way about each other or share the same values after all.

[norudder]

Yep! So true. My Wh also did the same. He strung his MOW along for 3 years, while we were all falling apart at home. All of this madness and destruction for some selfish needs being met.

 

I just want him to admit it and apologize.

[the_artist_1970]

I just want him to admit it and apologize.

 

A person who is honest enough to admit they are using someone is not a MM cheating on his W. What you see is a man who made vows to one woman and he is stringing along another woman for as long as she will play the "fool". Aren't you insulted that he wants you to wait four years for him. Why do you feel that he is so much more important than you?

[Grapesofwrath]

I hate how we left things. He's staying M for at least 4 years"for the youngest to graduate". He said we are working toward the same thing and wants us to be able to start from scratch. He also said he knows he can't ask me to put my life on hold and the healthiest thing is to move on. Even though he sees himself as the one waiting to be with me. What a mindf***. It takes advantage of my feelings for him but absolves him of taking any action and makes him look like the good guy no matter what the outcome. He said he was thinking of telling her to discuss discretion until D so I would trust him. That was a while ago though and he hasnt reached out. Who does he think he is that I'll be waiting. Why do I feel guilty and some lingering loyalty.

 

I KNOW the healthy thing is to move on. He thinks we have an unspoken understanding. But I want him to know I see through what hes doing and wouldn't want to give a second chance to a guy who would string me along like that anyway even though he's saying he doesn't want to string me along. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of being able to play the martyr card when his wife divorces him and he looks me up but I've moved on.

 

NoRudder: At this point, you have to let go. I think it's best for you to consider yourself now and what is healthiest for you. if you are going through a D, it's definitely nice to have some emotional support and companionship, so I can see why you'd want to continue the connection no matter how flimsy. It lessens the sting. But he isn't giving you anything now, and instead he is walking away from you when you need him most. Probably because it better suits his needs and helps him look like a good guy. It sounds like he is a conflict-avoider, and this action assists him in avoiding conflict.

 

Whether he gets a D in 4 years is no longer your concern. I guarantee you that, 4 years from now, you will have a new perspective on this whole episode and will likely not want him anyway. Focus on yourself and your own healing, regardless of his marital situation. At this point, he is irrelevant to the process.

[norudder]

NoRudder: At this point, you have to let go. I think it's best for you to consider yourself now and what is healthiest for you. if you are going through a D, it's definitely nice to have some emotional support and companionship, so I can see why you'd want to continue the connection no matter how flimsy. It lessens the sting. But he isn't giving you anything now, and instead he is walking away from you when you need him most. Probably because it better suits his needs and helps him look like a good guy. It sounds like he is a conflict-avoider, and this action assists him in avoiding conflict.

 

Whether he gets a D in 4 years is no longer your concern. I guarantee you that, 4 years from now, you will have a new perspective on this whole episode and will likely not want him anyway. Focus on yourself and your own healing, regardless of his marital situation. At this point, he is irrelevant to the process.

 

He's walking away because I pushed him away because he seemed all too happy with being a cake eater. He was going to continue as long as I wanted. How could he be ok lying for so long. I don't need someone saying they love me but going home to someone else. That's not real love to me. He's definitely a conflict avoider. It feels like he's getting away with something. I know I need to just let it go.

[DKT3]

He's walking away because I pushed him away because he seemed all too happy with being a cake eater. He was going to continue as long as I wanted. How could he be ok lying for so long. I don't need someone saying they love me but going home to someone else. That's not real love to me. He's definitely a conflict avoider. It feels like he's getting away with something. I know I need to just let it go.

 

How much of this is resentment towards him? After all you left your husband and kids to be with this guy and he simply won't match your commitment to this relationship.