Love Hurts !

[Lesson2ya]

I had an affair for one year which became very serious for the last 6 months. I was given an ultimatum by the OW to leave my wife and said yes to the OW and then no a couple of days later, it was so so difficult and my head ruled my heart at the time. To be honest I was so torn and stayed with my wife as I have 2 children, a long marriage (19 years) and felt I did not give it a chance to put the marriage right. The OW was someone I got to know slowly, we did not just jump into bed we got to know each other as friends and it went from there. The OW left her husband before we became serious and this was very much her decision. I was devastated to lose the OW in March I saw her 2/3 times a week and spoke to her everyday.

 

 

I am now 2 months down the line the OW has moved on has a "single" boyfriend but declared her love for me to a friend recently and I saw her Saturday accidentally where we shared a close hug with her in tears, I looked in her eyes and I am sure she still loves me. I miss her terribly and was in love with her and realise this and it has had a huge effect on me, I have tried to get back with her and seen her 6/7 times but too late the damage has been done. We have now agreed to have some space mostly for her. Every time I see her or even just text it lifts me up, but no more. I am at home, I feel empty, unsure, grieving, upset, I lost all my motivation and feel a stranger in my own home and the last 2 months have been the most stressful in my life, almost surreal, panic attacks and no sleep but getting better. It is difficult as I have shared friends with the OW and NC will be all but impossible but direct contact can be. Thankfully I have my children, my wife has drawn a line under it and states she still loves me.

 

 

Problem is I still love my OW more than my wife and think about her everyday but the chances of me being with the OW are I guess over or at best slim. If you have had a similar experience does the pain subside and the love for the OW fade? I have tortured myself thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life or do I owe it to my marriage to give it another chance even though it is difficult as I cannot get the OW out of my head. I have been consumed by this affair and yes Karma and all that but it happened because we wanted it to, I take the blame so please do not remind me.

 

 

I have had a lot of conflicting advice - Go with your heart you must be happy - Try and save your marriage and everything you have invested in it, you were happy before - I just want some helpful tips to move forward and if anyone has a similar experience any help greatly appreciated, thank you.

Edited May 25, 2015 by Lesson2ya

[Grapesofwrath]

Can you clarify what you mean by your wife has "drawn a line under it?" Is she aware of your A? Willing to reconcile?

[Sassy Girl]

I had an affair for one year which became very serious for the last 6 months. I was given an ultimatum by the OW to leave my wife and said yes to the OW and then no a couple of days later, it was so so difficult and my head ruled my heart at the time. To be honest I was so torn and stayed with my wife as I have 2 children, a long marriage (19 years) and felt I did not give it a chance to put the marriage right. The OW was someone I got to know slowly, we did not just jump into bed we got to know each other as friends and it went from there. The OW left her husband before we became serious and this was very much her decision. I was devastated to lose the OW in March I saw her 2/3 times a week and spoke to her everyday.

 

 

I am now 2 months down the line the OW has moved on has a "single" boyfriend but declared her love for me to a friend recently and I saw her Saturday accidentally where we shared a close hug with her in tears, I looked in her eyes and I am sure she still loves me. I miss her terribly and was in love with her and realise this and it has had a huge effect on me, I have tried to get back with her and seen her 6/7 times but too late the damage has been done. We have now agreed to have some space mostly for her. Every time I see her or even just text it lifts me up, but no more. I am at home, I feel empty, unsure, grieving, upset, I lost all my motivation and feel a stranger in my own home and the last 2 months have been the most stressful in my life, almost surreal, panic attacks and no sleep but getting better. It is difficult as I have shared friends with the OW and NC will be all but impossible but direct contact can be. Thankfully I have my children, my wife has drawn a line under it and states she still loves me.

 

 

Problem is I still love my OW more than my wife and think about her everyday but the chances of me being with the OW are I guess over or at best slim. If you have had a similar experience does the pain subside and the love for the OW fade? I have tortured myself thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life or do I owe it to my marriage to give it another chance even though it is difficult as I cannot get the OW out of my head. I have been consumed by this affair and yes Karma and all that but it happened because we wanted it to, I take the blame so please do not remind me.

 

 

I have had a lot of conflicting advice - Go with your heart you must be happy - Try and save your marriage and everything you have invested in it, you were happy before - I just want some helpful tips to move forward and if anyone has a similar experience any help greatly appreciated, thank you.

 

What are you doing to work on yourself to learn about how you got yourself into this mess in the first place? What work are you doing To become a better husband and father?

 

What are you doing to reemgage with your marriage?

[RoseVille]

I have the same question as Grapes, also wondering how you feel about your wife?

[loveboid]

I recommend the book When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships by Mira Kirshenbaum.

 

It may help you unpack the reasons you had the affair, help you choose which relationship if either at all is closest to what you want most in life, and be happy with your decision.

[Ifalltopieces]

IMO it sounds like your heart is with the OW. I am a firm believer in follow your gut and follow your heart. It sounds like you tried to reignite those feelings for your wife, but they just aren't there. I'm sorry, but you can't force something that isn't there. Men and women often stay out of guilt and find themselves miserable because of it.

 

Yes, 19 years is a long time to be married, but people grow and people change. Do you really want to waste your time and your wife's time being miserable? If your as miserable as you say, your wife can feel it. She is not stupid. It's time to admit to yourself that your marriage is probably over. You and your wife both deserve an opportunity to move on and find happiness.

 

As for the OW, I commend her for moving on. Smart girl. What was she suppose to do? Sit around and wait for you to figure it out? Take it from an OW, the whole "figure it out" thing is emotionally brutal.

[jwi71]

I had an affair for one year which became very serious for the last 6 months. I was given an ultimatum by the OW to leave my wife and said yes to the OW and then no a couple of days later, it was so so difficult and my head ruled my heart at the time. To be honest I was so torn and stayed with my wife as I have 2 children, a long marriage (19 years) and felt I did not give it a chance to put the marriage right. The OW was someone I got to know slowly, we did not just jump into bed we got to know each other as friends and it went from there. The OW left her husband before we became serious and this was very much her decision. I was devastated to lose the OW in March I saw her 2/3 times a week and spoke to her everyday.

 

 

I am now 2 months down the line the OW has moved on has a "single" boyfriend but declared her love for me to a friend recently and I saw her Saturday accidentally where we shared a close hug with her in tears, I looked in her eyes and I am sure she still loves me. I miss her terribly and was in love with her and realise this and it has had a huge effect on me, I have tried to get back with her and seen her 6/7 times but too late the damage has been done. We have now agreed to have some space mostly for her. Every time I see her or even just text it lifts me up, but no more. I am at home, I feel empty, unsure, grieving, upset, I lost all my motivation and feel a stranger in my own home and the last 2 months have been the most stressful in my life, almost surreal, panic attacks and no sleep but getting better. It is difficult as I have shared friends with the OW and NC will be all but impossible but direct contact can be. Thankfully I have my children, my wife has drawn a line under it and states she still loves me.

 

 

Problem is I still love my OW more than my wife and think about her everyday but the chances of me being with the OW are I guess over or at best slim. If you have had a similar experience does the pain subside and the love for the OW fade? I have tortured myself thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life or do I owe it to my marriage to give it another chance even though it is difficult as I cannot get the OW out of my head. I have been consumed by this affair and yes Karma and all that but it happened because we wanted it to, I take the blame so please do not remind me.

 

 

I have had a lot of conflicting advice - Go with your heart you must be happy - Try and save your marriage and everything you have invested in it, you were happy before - I just want some helpful tips to move forward and if anyone has a similar experience any help greatly appreciated, thank you.

 

Frankly, it sounds like you made the wrong call - as the only time you mention your W is to subordinate her to the OW.

So file for D and pursue the OW.

Life is merely the accumulation of choices. If you don't like the trajectory of your life make a different choice.

 

Tomorrow, call your attorney and file for D. Then show your OW said filed D paperwork. Then show OW the lease contract for you new apartment you rented with the move-in date clearly stated. That should be enough to show your resolve.

 

Simple yes?

[Lesson2ya]

Do I still love my wife, well the answer is yes, but I need to be "in love" with her physically and see it as starting again. My wife knows about the affair but doesn't want to know about details, my children do not. My wife says she still loves me and wants me at home, I guess no contact with the OW is the test on this and if I cannot get through this then yes my mind will be made up. The OW has moved on as well so I see my options as on my own or give home 100%. Do I still love the OW? Yes is the answer I just wish I could turn back time. If I lived on my own would she come back to me probably yes but I would need that as a certainty as I have been through enough pain and cannot take it anymore,

 

 

 

 

I have a chance to repair myself atm I am pretty broken and I am not sure I could take extra stress of leaving my home right now. Being home is ok we are talking and living but nothing physical and I am still grieving but better, my wife has been a credit to herself and I start a new job on 1st June. It has been extremely difficult, I am still unsure of which path to follow I have time and can think some more, but thank you for the comments so far.

[RoseVille]

If your OW had never come along, what would have happened to your marriage, long term?

[Grapesofwrath]

It might be worthwhile for you to think about what Loving someone vs. Being in love with someone means to you. If you love your wife, but aren't "in love" with her, what does that mean to you? Are the two of you in MC? I think MC and IC would be valuable at this juncture to help you sort through these feelings.

 

When you say "physical" are you referring to sex, or do you mean affection in general?

[gettingstronger]

Why not leave your wife? Why do you need the soft landing of the OW. Give yourself and your wife the gift of finding a satisfying relationship.

[velvette]

Do I still love my wife, well the answer is yes, but I need to be "in love" with her physically and see it as starting again. My wife knows about the affair but doesn't want to know about details, my children do not. My wife says she still loves me and wants me at home, I guess no contact with the OW is the test on this and if I cannot get through this then yes my mind will be made up. The OW has moved on as well so I see my options as on my own or give home 100%. Do I still love the OW? Yes is the answer I just wish I could turn back time. If I lived on my own would she come back to me probably yes but I would need that as a certainty as I have been through enough pain and cannot take it anymore,

 

The paradox in this is that your wife will probably be reluctant to go to the place you want unless you are able to make her feel emotionally safe/secure after having betrayed her.

 

 

Once an affair takes place, the old marriage is dead. You have to start over. That begins with being very clear about what you want the relationship to look like and obtaining the same information from her.

 

 

Then you must both take actions that take you to that place. It doesn't just happen.

 

.

 

ten characters

[nikki76]

What does ten characters mean?

[velvette]

What does ten characters mean?

 

nothing. I typed within the quote box and didn't feel like retyping. You have to have a certain number of letters outside the quote box.

[Hope Shimmers]

If I lived on my own would she come back to me probably yes but I would need that as a certainty as I have been through enough pain and cannot take it anymore,

 

So you want a soft landing.

 

This is the typical bullsh*t spewed by men in your situation who are freaking SCARED to make a decision and stick with it. You are "afraid" that your OW won't be there to catch you if you leave your marriage. You want to know that she will be there BEFORE you leave your wife, because you just can't take any more pain, never mind what you have inflicted on BOTH your wife and the OW during this process. It's just fine to hurt them, but you have been through SO much that you need a guarantee before you risk any pain to YOU.

 

I'm going to go throw up now.

[nikki76]

nothing. I typed within the quote box and didn't feel like retyping. You have to have a certain number of letters outside the quote box.

 

Oh...I keep seeing it on here. I even Google it lol.

 

Thanks.

[velvette]

Oh...I keep seeing it on here. I even Google it lol.

 

Thanks.

 

 

lol at googling it. youre welcome.

[Ifalltopieces]

So you want a soft landing.

 

This is the typical bullsh*t spewed by men in your situation who are freaking SCARED to make a decision and stick with it. You are "afraid" that your OW won't be there to catch you if you leave your marriage. You want to know that she will be there BEFORE you leave your wife, because you just can't take any more pain, never mind what you have inflicted on BOTH your wife and the OW during this process. It's just fine to hurt them, but you have been through SO much that you need a guarantee before you risk any pain to YOU.

 

I'm going to go throw up now.

 

AMEN!!!!!!!!!! Wonder what his wife would say if she knew she was only a back up plan? Disgusting. Sad thing is, I think a lot of MM do this.

[Tayla]

My wife says she still loves me and wants me at home, I guess no contact with the OW is the test on this and if I cannot get through this then yes my mind will be made up.

you failed the test.you ve been in contact. Where is your remorse?

Hope Shimmers is one of the fair minded posters here , far more compassionate on some levels on this topic , particularly where waywards are concerned. So for her to spell it out for you, says much. Consider it a wake up call. May your wife heal and gain strength. She deserves pure honesty.

[Confused48]

AMEN!!!!!!!!!! Wonder what his wife would say if she knew she was only a back up plan? Disgusting. Sad thing is, I think a lot of MM do this.

 

Not just MM do this. How many WW do we see wanting desperately to get out of their marriages but they wait till they find an AP that is willing to take them on, before they think seriously about leaving the marriage.

 

Then they waffle, thinking, "Is the AP really better than the BH?" They weigh the pros and cons, sometimes keeping the BH in the dark about the A, sometimes having the AP and BH play the "pick me" dance.

 

Men and women are not that different when it comes to spineless degenerate behavior.

[Ifalltopieces]

Not just MM do this. How many WW do we see wanting desperately to get out of their marriages but they wait till they find an AP that is willing to take them on, before they think seriously about leaving the marriage.

 

Then they waffle, thinking, "Is the AP really better than the BH?" They weigh the pros and cons, sometimes keeping the BH in the dark about the A, sometimes having the AP and BH play the "pick me" dance.

 

Men and women are not that different when it comes to spineless degenerate behavior.

 

I was simply answering from my own experience; considering the fact that I don't date women, I focused my comment on MM. But yes, you are correct, WW do this just as MM do. Both are human and both are capable of causing hurt and pain.

[OldRover]

So you want a soft landing.

 

This is the typical bullsh*t spewed by men in your situation who are freaking SCARED to make a decision and stick with it. You are "afraid" that your OW won't be there to catch you if you leave your marriage. You want to know that she will be there BEFORE you leave your wife, because you just can't take any more pain, never mind what you have inflicted on BOTH your wife and the OW during this process. It's just fine to hurt them, but you have been through SO much that you need a guarantee before you risk any pain to YOU.

 

I'm going to go throw up now.

 

Hope,

 

I feel that's a bit harsh, and there's probably lots more to the story that has been posted here.

 

There's a reason people have an affair... we don't know exactly what that is at this time. And it takes at least two to have one, so the pain inflicted on the OW is what she set herself up for.

 

No one wants to be hurt, but often happens in this sort of relationship. The OP is looking for help for HIS problem. The choice between woman may have a lot of extenuating circumstances. Some of the posts here should offer some solutions to think about.

 

One could argue that it divorce is eminent, then go thru with it, regardless of the OW, and put that behind, and then pursue the other woman..... If the marriage is worth saving and looks positive, I could argue forgetting about the OW and putting a strong effort into saving the marriage. As for having one as a backup for the other... there's nothing wrong with that. Someone will get hurt no matter what. Right now, looks like all three.

 

With 19 years of marriage and only a year with the OW, the marriage is certainly a much better known risk. A year is barely enough time to get into the honeymoon stage.

 

Many of us have been there and the choice is not easy.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope,

 

I feel that's a bit harsh, and there's probably lots more to the story that has been posted here.

 

There's a reason people have an affair... we don't know exactly what that is at this time. And it takes at least two to have one, so the pain inflicted on the OW is what she set herself up for.

 

No one wants to be hurt, but often happens in this sort of relationship. The OP is looking for help for HIS problem. The choice between woman may have a lot of extenuating circumstances. Some of the posts here should offer some solutions to think about.

 

One could argue that it divorce is eminent, then go thru with it, regardless of the OW, and put that behind, and then pursue the other woman..... If the marriage is worth saving and looks positive, I could argue forgetting about the OW and putting a strong effort into saving the marriage. As for having one as a backup for the other... there's nothing wrong with that. Someone will get hurt no matter what. Right now, looks like all three.

 

With 19 years of marriage and only a year with the OW, the marriage is certainly a much better known risk. A year is barely enough time to get into the honeymoon stage.

 

Many of us have been there and the choice is not easy.

 

This kind of thing is hurtful to everyone. I'm speaking from my own experiences. The pain involved is pretty harsh so that's where it's coming from. I'm not going to sugar-coat it, but neither did I say that the OW was blameless. At least she moved on and is dating a single man - good for her for not waiting around on someone who isn't going to come through.

 

As for your bolded above, we'll have to agree to disagree. I'm betting his wife doesn't have a backup soft landing if he decides to dump her. And I'm sure that the OW didn't have one when she was dumped either.

[OldRover]

This kind of thing is hurtful to everyone. I'm speaking from my own experiences. The pain involved is pretty harsh so that's where it's coming from. I'm not going to sugar-coat it, but neither did I say that the OW was blameless. At least she moved on and is dating a single man - good for her for not waiting around on someone who isn't going to come through.

 

As for your bolded above, we'll have to agree to disagree. I'm betting his wife doesn't have a backup soft landing if he decides to dump her. And I'm sure that the OW didn't have one when she was dumped either.

 

Yes, we can agree to disagree. Having a soft landing has never been an option for me, but has been available when the time come and I took advantage of it, and worked out pretty good for the most part. I have no issue of one wants to choose, it there's a choice. We've always had to make choice in our lived with other people... sometimes painful. Some folks want a backup or have the choice and some don't want one at all. And a lot of folks know that they are second choice... or even no choice at all. That's life. Been on both sides of the fence.

[Lesson2ya]

So where am I. Well I think purgatory is the answer which has been compounded by the OW not knowing what she wants so I need space from her as much as she does from me. I need to either make home work or not but give it 100% and live by my decision if it works or not but it wont if the OW is in the picture I understand that much. "Hope" was right I was scared to make a choice or decision but the situation is very complex and I have found the OW hard to let go and she has of me to be fair despite her moving on. Of course I think of the impact on others and I am not proud of myself (who would be). What I have realised is I need to move forward soft landing or not otherwise I am just causing more and more damage .