Savannah2 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Mm wife told me that he an emotional affair at his previous job. She found text messages and he told her it was just emotional not physical and he got into because the OW listened to him and she doesn't. Same thing he tells me as to why he enjoys being with me. I'm so angry at him. 3 years of this Emotional and physical affair and he never once hinted that he ever was involved with slanting else before me. He swears up and down all he did us talk to her and nothing else and what we have is special and more deep. I can't even stand to look at him. I don't want to hear anything he hAs to say about it because I won't believe him. I think this may actually be it for me. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 How did you end up speaking to his wife? Does she know about you and him ? You feel betrayed by him. He made you feel special and now you are most likely wondering if you are just one of many. I'm just guessing here, but it is what I would feel. I am sorry you are hurting. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 She doesn't know about us. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Isn't it weird how we get jealous of the other women they cheat on their wives with? Forgetting the fact that they are married to other women. Like we want to be the ONLY other woman in their lives and in their hearts, as if that carries some specialness. I would get jealous of MM's OW from 25 years ago! It's really distorted thinking and pretty dysfunctional. If we weren't with MM, the dysfunction would not exist. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 It does hurt. When you find out you were just the next girl, it's humiliating. You feel like one amongst many. Line 'em up, knock 'em down. There's a sense that having an affair IS special, that it requires effort. You picture them with their previous OW, expending all this effort for years to carry on this deceit. So it does feel like a betrayal, even though it's twisted. And they tell us they we are SO different, we are the special ones, we are on another level, we don't compare. Who knows. Maybe they are telling the truth, maybe not. I think the truth is that an affair might be 'special' to a particular person, or it can be very 'unspecial'. It could be that it was super easy, she was available for an ego stroke, and why wouldn't he accept that, if he was that kind of guy? Or it could have been something else. We won't know. Then again, if we get involved with an MM, we are going to fall in one of those categories as well. I think it's simply a reality check. It just shows you what you are doing in a very uncomfortable way. I am so sorry for how you are feeling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 He says he would never go down this road again. He would never had another affair. Ours has been over for a few months. I'm not sure I believe he won't. I know that he is unhappy in his marriage most of the time, feels she doesn't listen to him. But he will never leave and he says he loves her. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 My MM told me about another woman he was close to and had feelings for a few years ago, but he doesn't consider it to have been an affair because they never actually crossed the line physically. Before me, he says he never cheated. It sounds like your MM feels the same way, whereas we differ. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Roseville, I think he felt the same too since nothing physical happened he doesn't consider it of much relevance. He says it only lasted a month with her and he cut it off. He stayed at that job she left. A year later he left that job and started at mine. Where he initiated the affair with me. But ours lasted three years and was emotional and physical. I don't think he will ever be completely faithful to her, i know they have a lot of issues and she can be pretty difficult. He refuses to leave though so I'm pretty confident he will find a replacement for me eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 If his reason for having multiple affairs really just that "she doesn't listen to him"? That was enough for you to get involved with him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Sadly enough I guess it was. I wanted to believe him when he told me how miserable she can be towards him. He will just continue to take it from her though while he is getting his needs met by another woman. That was me for three years. Link to post Share on other sites
minnesotagirl Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I don't think this is uncommon actually. Before our PA started, I asked MM if he'd ever done this before. He said no. After D-Day, he confessed to me that he had cheated on every single person he had ever been with. I'm not sure what number affair partner that made me, but I sure wasn't his first. It's unnerving and sad to think that all of the lines and hot things he said to me were probably things he said to other people first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 It's amazing to me how many men say they cheat on their wives because they don't listen to them. I wonder if they will ever get that it probably started with THEM not listening to their wives, not paying any attention to her, and living his life separate from her. Anyway, that's been my experience with all the relationships I've been in. There comes a point in time in life where you just have to stop resenting people for not putting you on a pedestal and giving you all the attention you think you need. I've noticed men require a lot of attention. I need all of mine for me, my life, and my responsibilities. Women are pulled in so many directions, especially once children come along. It just astounds me how passive aggressive men seem to be. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 He says he would never go down this road again. He would never had another affair. He probably told his wife the exact same thing after the first EA - and yet look where he is again with you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 There is no honor among thieves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 He said that his wife checked their phone log and number of texts he received and they didn't match up. So she knew he was deleting texts to and from her. I asked him what the content of the texts were and why he thought he had to delete them if it really wasn't a big deal and nothing physical was being talked about. He says he doesn't remember what the texts said he just deleted them because they would text late at night. Yeah right. People who have nothing to hide hide nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Mm wife told me that he an emotional affair at his previous job. She found text messages and he told her it was just emotional not physical and he got into because the OW listened to him and she doesn't. Same thing he tells me as to why he enjoys being with me. I'm so angry at him. 3 years of this Emotional and physical affair and he never once hinted that he ever was involved with slanting else before me. He swears up and down all he did us talk to her and nothing else and what we have is special and more deep. I can't even stand to look at him. I don't want to hear anything he hAs to say about it because I won't believe him. I think this may actually be it for me. This is similar to what happened to me. I found out from his wife that he was sexting with another woman. I had asked him about it and he shrugged it off and that's what finally put the nail in the coffin for me. I thought I was the only one, and this was a once in a lifetime thing....boy was I stupid! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I just found out about this last night. At first, he was patient with me when I asked questions. Now he is just getting angry with me telling me it was a long time ago and nothing really happened and he doesn't know what to tell me if I can't get past it and hung up on me. I told him I needed time to process this. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 When men step out of marriages, they become adept liars. Why would they not then lie to the OW as well? It is, I guess, naive to think otherwise. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Mm wife told me that he an emotional affair at his previous job. She found text messages and he told her it was just emotional not physical and he got into because the OW listened to him and she doesn't. Same thing he tells me as to why he enjoys being with me. I'm so angry at him. 3 years of this Emotional and physical affair and he never once hinted that he ever was involved with slanting else before me. He swears up and down all he did us talk to her and nothing else and what we have is special and more deep. I can't even stand to look at him. I don't want to hear anything he hAs to say about it because I won't believe him. I think this may actually be it for me. Did it make what you have and make you feel less special? That now you found out you aren't his first OW/affair? The guy is a serial cheater. His wife found out about his first one and he's stupid enough to start up with you and have another affair behind his wife's back. He's no prize!! I'm glad you're thinking. How can you really trust him? You deserve better so I do hope you find it in you to end it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I just found out about this last night. At first, he was patient with me when I asked questions. Now he is just getting angry with me telling me it was a long time ago and nothing really happened and he doesn't know what to tell me if I can't get past it and hung up on me. I told him I needed time to process this. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. It should bother you! He dismissed your concerns very quickly, got angry and hung on you! Not a healthy way to handle it or reaffirm what he feels for you is real or try to make you feel secure. His reaction though also speaks volumes that he isn't obligated to you and doesn't want to deal with your reaction, more questions and possible mistrust now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Sadly enough I guess it was. I wanted to believe him when he told me how miserable she can be towards him. He will just continue to take it from her though while he is getting his needs met by another woman. That was me for three years. So miserable that he just can't/won't divorce? People divorce all the time for various reasons when they want to. Fact is, he doesn't want to and obviously neither does his wife. And this is after being busted after his first affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 That's exactly how I feel now. That he has no obligation to me and doesn't want to deal with the repercussions of me finding out about his past. He doesn't think it should bother me because I wasn't in the picture. But how could he think it wouldn't color my perspective on what is going with us? He never as much hinted about anything before me. He said he wanted to tell me but couldn't Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 That's exactly how I feel now. That he has no obligation to me and doesn't want to deal with the repercussions of me finding out about his past. He doesn't think it should bother me because I wasn't in the picture. But how could he think it wouldn't color my perspective on what is going with us? He never as much hinted about anything before me. He said he wanted to tell me but couldn't He couldn't...Because he knew you'd react this way. He couldn't because of the reasons happening now. Omitted truths is just as damaging as lying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 He says he is not a serial cheater. He just is in a marriage where he doesn't feel appreciated or heard so he is vulnerable. Sheesh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Haven't heard from him today. I told him last night I needed reaffirmation that this was real and how it was different with me. All he said was that it was but he couldn't tell me why or wouldn't tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts