Second time, shame on me

[Hope Shimmers]

I got involved in another relationship with someone who was not available. This time was much shorter (a few months) and only an EA. Although it became intense quickly.

 

He has a significant other. There were apparently some issues with that (I’m not making excuses) and the rationale that he used is that she knew about it and gave him permission. So it wasn’t cheating. I bought into that too, for awhile, but came to realize that, although I do believe she knew about it to some extent, I don’t think she knew all of it, and if she did, I don’t think she would have approved.

 

So I broke it off. It was hard - the whole thing was ‘my fault’ as I ‘sabotaged’ things, I couldn’t stop ‘comparing’ myself to her (really that wasn’t it, just the fact that she was THERE was a huge issue for me, and more importantly, vice versa). Basically I was supposed to compartmentalize much better than I was able to do.

 

I broke it off and sent her a short message (electronically) apologizing for getting involved in something that I shouldn’t have. He was furious at me, and now she has said that it has to end (which I already said, and had already ended it, so it changed nothing). But of course, in famously typical man style, as soon as that happened I was history, everything that was ever said or felt between us was done, and I was at the curb like yesterday’s garbage.

 

So there you go. The first time, shame on him. The second time, shame on me. I’m an idiot.

 

I just needed to post this because it hurts, even though I asked for it. He says I did the wrong thing. I know I did the right thing.

Edited May 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
No need to invite abuse

[Sassy Girl]

None from me.

But I am seriously surprised.

[gettingstronger]

Dang it. Ten characters.

[Friskyone4u]

You are not an idiot. Yes, you made a poor choice again but an idiot that does not make you.

I think you should ask yourself, or try to figure out why you either are drawn or let yourself get close to men who are married. If your first experience as OW ended badly, as soon as you found out there was a significant other should have made you head for the hills.

My question would be are you having a hard time meeting eligible men ???

 

You said it correctly, he did what most men do. He bailed when the rubber hit the road, even thoguh that was OK with you.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how intelligent, atttractive women can continue to get drawn in by lines and ego stroking that they wojuld have recognized and have dealt with since puberty.

 

I suggest next man you become socially involved with that utters the words I have a wife, or I have a girlfriend but she knows, I would hit the delete him button asap.

[Hope Shimmers]

You are not an idiot. Yes, you made a poor choice again but an idiot that does not make you.

I think you should ask yourself, or try to figure out why you either are drawn or let yourself get close to men who are married. If your first experience as OW ended badly, as soon as you found out there was a significant other should have made you head for the hills.

My question would be are you having a hard time meeting eligible men ???

 

You said it correctly, he did what most men do. He bailed when the rubber hit the road, even thoguh that was OK with you.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how intelligent, atttractive women can continue to get drawn in by lines and ego stroking that they wojuld have recognized and have dealt with since puberty.

 

I suggest next man you become socially involved with that utters the words I have a wife, or I have a girlfriend but she knows, I would hit the delete him button asap.

 

You are spot on.

[autumnnight]

Hope, you'll get no torpedoes from me. You are hurting. You obviously already know it was a bad idea.

 

I hope your heart heals ((HS))

[GirlStillStrong]

Sorry you're hurting. I wonder why I keep choosing guys I can't be with. I think maybe it is because I don't want to be stuck in a marriage. I don't know.

[minimariah]

I just needed to post this because it hurts, even though I asked for it.

 

you didn't ask for it. okay - you made a mistake even though you knew better but you're not to blame for getting hurt, ESPECIALLY when it wasn't cheating because you had an open relationship on the other side... to some extent.

 

so you made a mistake. you got involved with someone who was unavailable again, let's start from that. analyze - why do you think that happened? why wasn't the fact that he was attached (even in an open relationship) a red flag for you? why didn't you run for the hills?

 

don't be too hard on you, Hope. we make mistakes & we learn and sometimes we need to make those mistakes 10 times in a row. it's not easy to unlearn some things.

[Hope Shimmers]

let's start from that. analyze - why do you think that happened? why wasn't the fact that he was attached (even in an open relationship) a red flag for you? why didn't you run for the hills?

 

He was a friend, we had known each other for a lot longer than the past few months. Like I said, I did buy into the 'it's not an affair' thing because of the open marriage (sort of).

 

Even if it technically wasn't an affair because it didn't quite meet the definition, it FELT like one to me. And that feeling just kept getting worse. And I just couldn't move past it.

 

Right now I just feel like total crap. I thought this guy was different (I know, I know).

[MuddyFootprints]

Yep, I pretty much wanna smack you.

 

I'm not as surprised, though.

 

My spide-y sense was tingling.

[minimariah]

I thought this guy was different (I know, I know).

 

no shame in that -- he was a friend and you liked him. there was obviously a connection... & you were hoping for the best. no shame in that at all.

 

and you DID improve and you DID learn - at the end of the day, you told the significant other & removed yourself from an unhealthy situation BECAUSE you followed your feelings... and all that before it turned into a PA. why not celebrate that small victory? you reacted early & got out, let's celebrate that. this time around, it lasted for much shorter period of time.

 

baby steps, you know? it's not an easy road & i know you feel heartbroken right now. sending you hugs.

 

treat yourself one of these days, okay? do something that makes you happy. buy a pair of new shoes, overdose on yummy cupcakes & ice - cream, enjoy a massage or a bubble bath... you're being too hard on yourself. you did a good thing, actually. you did well. focus on that.

 

go to IC again. dig out those unhealthy patterns & find a way to unlearn them - it's a long road and it takes work.

[Grapesofwrath]

No torpedoes here, either. They aren't helpful and they aren't necessary.

 

I agree that some reflection and introspection is called for, but not a brow-beating. The pain you feel right now is punishment enough.

 

As minimariah says, we sometimes have to make mistakes more than once before we fully integrate the lesson they are meant to teach us. Here's another opportunity to learn and move yourself a few more steps down the path.

 

And by the way, it is not that easy to meet eligible, intelligent, attractive men. It can be easy to fall into these kinds of relationships as a way of easing the sting of loneliness. It can feel like something, however limited, is better than nothing.

[RoseVille]

In reading your posts recently, my spidey-sense was telling me that you were angry with yourself, and now I know why.

 

No torpedoes from me, you know I don't like 'em.

 

That, and I can't judge. This isn't my first time at the rodeo, either. But the first time, I was an unknowing participant for the first 6 months (he completely lied to me, was truly living a double life, there was a D-Day for both his W and I). I let it continue for another month, and it was that month that killed me. That was about 10 years ago. I sought out advice on LS then, and reminded of so many behaviors and justifications and whatnot this time around.

 

And in between those two relationships, looking back, I still found myself with men who were somehow unavailable - just not legally. I think that's what I'm struggling with the most, is why I do this... to myself.

 

Can't believe you outed him to his partner though!

[Hope Shimmers]

In reading your posts recently, my spidey-sense was telling me that you were angry with yourself, and now I know why.

 

No torpedoes from me, you know I don't like 'em.

 

That, and I can't judge. This isn't my first time at the rodeo, either. But the first time, I was an unknowing participant for the first 6 months (he completely lied to me, was truly living a double life, there was a D-Day for both his W and I). I let it continue for another month, and it was that month that killed me. That was about 10 years ago. I sought out advice on LS then, and reminded of so many behaviors and justifications and whatnot this time around.

 

And in between those two relationships, looking back, I still found myself with men who were somehow unavailable - just not legally. I think that's what I'm struggling with the most, is why I do this... to myself.

 

Can't believe you outed him to his partner though!

 

I didn't out him to his partner. He insisted that she knew, and I believed him. I apologized to her.

[minimariah]

And in between those two relationships, looking back, I still found myself with men who were somehow unavailable - just not legally. I think that's what I'm struggling with the most, is why I do this... to myself.

 

this is true for me, for example. i somehow keep falling for emotionally unavailable men. they're single as hell! but STILL unavailable... and i never seem to learn. they either don't want to commit or they're still grieving for their X... it's always something & i like to think i'm a special savior.

 

*sigh*

 

it's hard to unlearn these things, it takes work & time. i think you'll be fine, Hope! you're learning and you're recognizing your mistakes - i'd say you're on a pretty good path... even if it doesn't seem like that right now.

[RoseVille]

this is true for me, for example. i somehow keep falling for emotionally unavailable men. they're single as hell! but STILL unavailable... and i never seem to learn. they either don't want to commit or they're still grieving for their X... it's always something & i like to think i'm a special savior.

 

*sigh*

 

it's hard to unlearn these things, it takes work & time.

 

Yup. Geographically, emotionally, time-constrained... there's always a huge level of unavailability. A very obvious level, at that.

 

How do we all unlearn them?!

[Grapesofwrath]

Me too. Story of my life. I've recently been thinking it's because we are actually the ones who are unavailable, so we seek that out in men. That's as far as I got, though. Haven't yet fully figured out why I'm unavailable, and how to fix it.

[goodyblue]

I am actually proud of you, Hope! You have to take a different angle... you dated a guy who was in an open relationship. When you realized it was not for you, you bailed. You learned what you didn't want and took action!! Good on ya!!

[Hope Shimmers]

I have dated many men over the last few years. I honestly never have a problem with them being interested in me. It's the other way around. I'm just... blech.

 

The problem I have, I decided, is that dating someone without there being an attraction is backwards for me. I want the attraction first, then the dating. That's tougher to work out.

[Sassy Girl]

Me too. Story of my life. I've recently been thinking it's because we are actually the ones who are unavailable, so we seek that out in men. That's as far as I got, though. Haven't yet fully figured out why I'm unavailable, and how to fix it.

 

Defense mechanism?

[aloneinaz]

I didn't out him to his partner. He insisted that she knew, and I believed him. I apologized to her.

 

Did you know his wife/partner? I think you crossed a major line to communicate with her. I don't think it was necessary what so ever and you did it to punish him.. Not cool at all..

[Hope Shimmers]

Did you know his wife/partner? I think you crossed a major line to communicate with her. I don't think it was necessary what so ever and you did it to punish him.. Not cool at all..

 

Your opinion is respected, but that's not why I did it. I thought about it for a long time to make sure that wasn't the case. And again, if I didn't believe she already knew, I never would have. It was one very general sentence.

 

Perhaps it was a mistake, but I don't think so. I was in the wrong, it was my fault.

[whichwayisup]

Did you know his wife/partner? I think you crossed a major line to communicate with her. I don't think it was necessary what so ever and you did it to punish him.. Not cool at all..

 

Agree or not, men who lie and say they are separated or in an open marriage are taking a chance by playing the field. This guy is scum, he's been lying to his wife and he totally mislead Hope, gave her a false truth. His wife is being fooled by her own husband. Now if Hope went in knowing full well he was married and never leaving his wife and it was just an affair, then she would know what's what. She didn't and his wife has a right to know that her husband is out there cheating and misleading women. Who knows if Hope is the first one he's done this with, though I doubt it...

 

Gently I say this, maybe take a break from dating for a while. Just enjoy being single and bond with your women friends, get some TLC from them and your family and be happy. Don't beat yourself up over this anymore. What's done is done, put it behind you.

[Hope Shimmers]

Agree or not, men who lie and say they are separated or in an open marriage are taking a chance by playing the field. This guy is scum, he's been lying to his wife and he totally mislead Hope, gave her a false truth. His wife is being fooled by her own husband. Now if Hope went in knowing full well he was married and never leaving his wife and it was just an affair, then she would know what's what. She didn't and his wife has a right to know that her husband is out there cheating and misleading women. Who knows if Hope is the first one he's done this with, though I doubt it...

 

Thanks WWIU. But I walked in with eyes wide open. I knew there was a SO, he told me she knew. I'm to blame.

[RoseVille]

Agree or not, men who lie and say they are separated or in an open marriage are taking a chance by playing the field. This guy is scum, he's been lying to his wife and he totally mislead Hope, gave her a false truth. His wife is being fooled by her own husband. Now if Hope went in knowing full well he was married and never leaving his wife and it was just an affair, then she would know what's what. She didn't and his wife has a right to know that her husband is out there cheating and misleading women. Who knows if Hope is the first one he's done this with, though I doubt it...

 

I think you're confusing the first and the second guy.