Jump to content

today is rough, missing him. trying to be strong


Recommended Posts

KissofGrace

Today is a rough day for me mentally & emotionally. I understand the dynamics and extremely unhealthy issues we have had. However, today i'm missing the jerk.

Everything i see & hear brings back memories. NC for 2 days now and although it is a bit of a relief for me, the fact remains that i miss him. We've spoken everyday for the past 3 years + and know it's hitting me hard.

 

How have you handled this? any suggestions on how to make it easier?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
Your explanation isn't clear enough.

 

Why did you do NC?

sorry Raven, again, mentally i'm a mess. i am the OW in a 3 year A. Long, Long story. i caught him in a lie and he blamed me for it. Through all this I've realized I and now know he is abusive, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. Everything was always my fault.

NC was decided a ew days ago because he became angry that i caught him in a lie. Of course, he blamed me, as always. So we haven't had any contact.

Hope that helps explain a little.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
sorry Raven, again, mentally i'm a mess. i am the OW in a 3 year A. Long, Long story. i caught him in a lie and he blamed me for it. Through all this I've realized I and now know he is abusive, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. Everything was always my fault.

NC was decided a ew days ago because he became angry that i caught him in a lie. Of course, he blamed me, as always. So we haven't had any contact.

Hope that helps explain a little.

Today is a rough day for me mentally & emotionally. I understand the dynamics and extremely unhealthy issues we have had. However, today i'm missing the jerk.

Everything i see & hear brings back memories. NC for 2 days now and although it is a bit of a relief for me, the fact remains that i miss him. We've spoken everyday for the past 3 years + and know it's hitting me hard.

 

HISTORY: I am OW in a 3 yr A with MM. i have decided to end it. Ive suspected over the past few months he was narcissistic. through post here, it has helped me to understand and identify more abusive, manipulative and emotional.

He is very controlling to the point where he has access to just about everything personal of mine. i had a ONS about 1 year ago and since then, EVERYTHING and i do mean EVERYTHING is my fault, even the reason he recently had sex with his W on vacation that the 2 of them went on because at the last minute the kids (2-adults, but still live at home) decided not to go. Which he didn't tell me until after he returned from the vacation. Which was the final straw for me.

 

So today i'm having difficulty with the distance and NC. 2 days ago we decided NC to allow space and healing--which i agreed to, however he isn't aware that when we meet up in 2 weeks, i will end it. Although he probably has a really good idea.

Again, sorry if i'm not clear, today the struggle is real.

How have you handled this? any suggestions on how to make it easier?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
LadyDeadpool

I find that this quote sums it up nicely:

 

"You don't let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you finally start caring about you." - Charles J.Orlando

 

Stay strong in your resolve to not speak to him. You did the right thing and the pain is only temporary despite what your heart wants you to believe.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
I find that this quote sums it up nicely:

 

"You don't let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you finally start caring about you." - Charles J.Orlando

 

Stay strong in your resolve to not speak to him. You did the right thing and the pain is only temporary despite what your heart wants you to believe.

 

Thank you Ladydeadpool. I've never read that quote, but i do like it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Apart from missing him, how has the rest of the day been?

 

Have you eaten enough of something healthy?

Have you drunk enough (1.5 litres) water?

Have you been out of the house?

Have you done any exercise, like walking or stretching?

Have you had enough rest?

Have you spoken with anyone?

Have you done something (according to your own opinion) productive?

 

I'm just curious to know how well you take care of yourself.

Edited by Satu
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think about it anymore; I just do it. It has been especially trying because I work with him, but I made it 3.5 months so far. If he tries to come back, stand firm in your decision. My exAP, I'm pretty sure, was approaching me in the parking lot the other day on my lunch break. I will never know 100%, but there were a few circumstances that lead me to believe it was not a coincidence he was there. I have never driven out of the lot so fast in my life. I gave it a 5 second thought, and that was "I'm not going there again". Hang in there.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Quiet Storm

You have to make the logical part of your mind babysit the emotional part of your mind. This might sound crazy, but it works. When you want to talk to him, imagine you are a parent (the logical you) yanking your kid (the emotional you) out of the path of a speeding car (MM). The emotional part of you is missing him, but he is like a speeding car- dangerous & capable of causing great harm. The logical and smart side of you must be in control. You have to protect yourself, from yourself, until you get stronger.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Foodjunkie79
sorry Raven, again, mentally i'm a mess. i am the OW in a 3 year A. Long, Long story. i caught him in a lie and he blamed me for it. Through all this I've realized I and now know he is abusive, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. Everything was always my fault.

NC was decided a ew days ago because he became angry that i caught him in a lie. Of course, he blamed me, as always. So we haven't had any contact.

Hope that helps explain a little.

 

Would be so easy for me to say, 'Just carry on and find a distraction', but I know its not that easy!! Continue with the NC. think of your mind as a blackboard.....whenever you have thoughts of him.....rub them out!! Look at the negatives!! Im not sure if there were any positives....but you need to weigh them up!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
Apart from missing him, how has the rest of the day been?

 

Have you eaten enough of something healthy?

Have you drunk enough (1.5 litres) water?

Have you been out of the house?

Have you done any exercise, like walking or stretching?

Have you had enough rest?

Have you spoken with anyone?

Have you done something (according to your own opinion) productive?

 

I'm just curious to know how well you take care of yourself.

i have not eaten anything healthy today.

i have not drunk enough water.

i have not been out of the house.

i have not one any excercising or stretching.

i did sleep in this morning, but prior to that i was only sleeping a few hours at night.

i have not spoken with anyone.

i made my bed and washed dishes, that's as productive as i've been today.

today, i'm not taking care of myself at all.

feeling really elfin blue

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
I don't think about it anymore; I just do it. It has been especially trying because I work with him, but I made it 3.5 months so far. If he tries to come back, stand firm in your decision. My exAP, I'm pretty sure, was approaching me in the parking lot the other day on my lunch break. I will never know 100%, but there were a few circumstances that lead me to believe it was not a coincidence he was there. I have never driven out of the lot so fast in my life. I gave it a 5 second thought, and that was "I'm not going there again". Hang in there.

 

thank you goldielox. luckily i dont work with him. i know what i need to do and it is the right thing for everyone, but more importantly, me. I'm just missing him and that know will not go away for a while. he was part of my life for so long, everyday....

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
You have to make the logical part of your mind babysit the emotional part of your mind. This might sound crazy, but it works. When you want to talk to him, imagine you are a parent (the logical you) yanking your kid (the emotional you) out of the path of a speeding car (MM). The emotional part of you is missing him, but he is like a speeding car- dangerous & capable of causing great harm. The logical and smart side of you must be in control. You have to protect yourself, from yourself, until you get stronger.

 

i actually visualized that and i have to say i never thought of that, like that. thank you quiet storm i will attempt that.

that was really deep.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Having never had an affair, I'm just curious as to why it didn't progress from the affair stage to him leaving his wife and having a full blown relationship with you? Why stay so long in that situation if he wouldn't leave his wife?

 

Are you married as well?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
Would be so easy for me to say, 'Just carry on and find a distraction', but I know its not that easy!! Continue with the NC. think of your mind as a blackboard.....whenever you have thoughts of him.....rub them out!! Look at the negatives!! Im not sure if there were any positives....but you need to weigh them up!

 

i'm so screwed up. i'm afraid that if he calls and i don't answer that he'll come over to my house. it's all the psych abuse i went thru that i see now. I was once at an appointment that he forget i had and he called me 8 times and left one message in a very different voice that i'd never heard saying " where are you?" and then hung up.

i like the black board idea, i will try that one too.

there were positives and hopes and dreams and talk about plans.....that's the painful side to all of this crap.

Link to post
Share on other sites
viciouscircle
Today is a rough day for me mentally & emotionally. I understand the dynamics and extremely unhealthy issues we have had. However, today i'm missing the jerk.

Everything i see & hear brings back memories. NC for 2 days now and although it is a bit of a relief for me, the fact remains that i miss him. We've spoken everyday for the past 3 years + and know it's hitting me hard.

 

HISTORY: I am OW in a 3 yr A with MM. i have decided to end it. Ive suspected over the past few months he was narcissistic. through post here, it has helped me to understand and identify more abusive, manipulative and emotional.

He is very controlling to the point where he has access to just about everything personal of mine. i had a ONS about 1 year ago and since then, EVERYTHING and i do mean EVERYTHING is my fault, even the reason he recently had sex with his W on vacation that the 2 of them went on because at the last minute the kids (2-adults, but still live at home) decided not to go. Which he didn't tell me until after he returned from the vacation. Which was the final straw for me.

 

So today i'm having difficulty with the distance and NC. 2 days ago we decided NC to allow space and healing--which i agreed to, however he isn't aware that when we meet up in 2 weeks, i will end it. Although he probably has a really good idea.

Again, sorry if i'm not clear, today the struggle is real.

How have you handled this? any suggestions on how to make it easier?

 

If your done with the relationship don't meet him in two weeks. He is banking on you missing him, longing for him etc. You will be far too vulnerable and he will easily lure you back into this relationship.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
i have not eaten anything healthy today.

i have not drunk enough water.

i have not been out of the house.

i have not one any excercising or stretching.

i did sleep in this morning, but prior to that i was only sleeping a few hours at night.

i have not spoken with anyone.

i made my bed and washed dishes, that's as productive as i've been today.

today, i'm not taking care of myself at all.

feeling really elfin blue

 

Tomorrow is another day, and I hope it's a better one.

 

The top priority should getting yourself hydrated, then food, then rest.

 

You can miss out on a few meals with no major problems, but it's not like that with hydration. Things start to go badly after just a few hours.

 

Hope tomorrow is better for you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, please keep yourself hydrated, like Satu said. I once passed out from dehydration and spent the next few hours hooked up to an IV in the ER receiving fluids. It's not fun. If plain water tastes terrible to you, try flavored, or even some tea (just nothing with caffeine).

 

I would also wholeheartedly recommend individual counseling if you are not in it already.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
If your done with the relationship don't meet him in two weeks. He is banking on you missing him, longing for him etc. You will be far too vulnerable and he will easily lure you back into this relationship.

 

never thought of it like that. Thanks viciouscirlce. i will think that through more in depth

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
Tomorrow is another day, and I hope it's a better one.

 

The top priority should getting yourself hydrated, then food, then rest.

 

You can miss out on a few meals with no major problems, but it's not like that with hydration. Things start to go badly after just a few hours.

 

Hope tomorrow is better for you.

 

thank you Satu. i will.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
OP, please keep yourself hydrated, like Satu said. I once passed out from dehydration and spent the next few hours hooked up to an IV in the ER receiving fluids. It's not fun. If plain water tastes terrible to you, try flavored, or even some tea (just nothing with caffeine).

 

I would also wholeheartedly recommend individual counseling if you are not in it already.

 

i started drinking water and ginger ale because my tummy is a little nauseated. Thanks again, i will def not let it get too far. i just need to get outta this funk. i do have an appt on tuesday for counseling. we shall see how that goes.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Foodjunkie79
i'm so screwed up. i'm afraid that if he calls and i don't answer that he'll come over to my house. it's all the psych abuse i went thru that i see now. I was once at an appointment that he forget i had and he called me 8 times and left one message in a very different voice that i'd never heard saying " where are you?" and then hung up.

i like the black board idea, i will try that one too.

there were positives and hopes and dreams and talk about plans.....that's the painful side to all of this crap.

 

 

Your situation sounds very similar to my own. Its horrible. I always considered myself a strong person until this happened. Its like you know its wrong....but like a drug...u kinda become addicted!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
i had a ONS about 1 year ago and since then, EVERYTHING and i do mean EVERYTHING is my fault, even the reason he recently had sex with his W on vacation

 

That interests me.

What you did was wrong and I understand when he had the urge to take revenge on you. Simply put, he lost his trust in you.

 

Think, what if he was the one who had ONS?

Of course you would feel hurt and maybe you wanted to take revenge by doing the same thing or worse.

Maybe you wouldn't, but everyone is different.

And he chose to do that.

 

i have decided to end it. Ive suspected over the past few months he was narcissistic.

 

He is very controlling to the point where he has access to just about everything personal of mine.

 

however he isn't aware that when we meet up in 2 weeks, i will end it.

 

You know the answer already; you want to end it because you're unhappy with him.

 

IMO, what you're having right now is the feeling of having a really hard break up. That's normal and you're not a mess.

 

Time will heal it. Take your time and distract yourself with friends. You also need to take care of yourself more. Good luck! :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
Your situation sounds very similar to my own. Its horrible. I always considered myself a strong person until this happened. Its like you know its wrong....but like a drug...u kinda become addicted!

 

yes, food junkie, you've mention that our situations are similar before...i'm quite sure we could compare notes and see a pattern.

I too always considered my self a strong person and it bites @$$ when we are shown otherwise. However with that said, we are human and we are not exempt from making choices that obviously in the end, weren't the best for us. the moments of WTH and how did i allow myself to get here are so real, even more so when the pain and devastation sets in. It's hard to remain strong or regain strength when you are defeated with the truth of the lies we believed.

And yes, the metaphor of drugs is true. i am/was so addicted to him in all ways possible. it makes me sad to think i gave him so much control over so many aspects of my life. Even now, today...it's a struggle. I don't know how you overcame or how you go through each day but any and all ideas are most definitely welcomed. Thank you for your words.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
KissofGrace
That interests me.

What you did was wrong and I understand when he had the urge to take revenge on you. Simply put, he lost his trust in you.

 

Think, what if he was the one who had ONS?

Of course you would feel hurt and maybe you wanted to take revenge by doing the same thing or worse.

Maybe you wouldn't, but everyone is different.

And he chose to do that.

 

 

 

You know the answer already; you want to end it because you're unhappy with him.

 

IMO, what you're having right now is the feeling of having a really hard break up. That's normal and you're not a mess.

 

Time will heal it. Take your time and distract yourself with friends. You also need to take care of yourself more. Good luck! :)

 

Raven, i understand your point of view and all your comments. I understand he doesn't trust me, that was an issue between the two of us. I never really trusted him either, however that does not excuse my choice of a ONS. It was after the ONS was revealed that he then told me that he had been having sex with his W and thus it went down hill from there. looking back now i could have and should have seen so many things differently, however i chose not too. We both wanted what we wanted when we wanted it and that in itself sux. selfishness will kill the relationship and in this case, it has.

Yes, i am unhappy and he is too. it's all coming to a head, but he keeps wanting to hang on for "2 more weeks" i feel the stringing along process all over again. and I'm at the point where i want to tell him to eft off! and i've never felt that way towards anyone whom i've loved. that in itself scares me. Am i really done, or just frustrated, upset, angry and fed up with his manipulative ways? emotions are everywhere, at any minute and unpredictable.

this is a really hard breakup, probably he hardest i've ever had to go thru. i feel like a hot mess, but then i have my moments of strength (don't know from where) and then i start to feel better, somewhat. It's a roller coaster that's for sure!

thanks again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...