circe221 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 So I found out today that MM's wife is pregnant. He told me via Facebook messenger because I guess she had posted an announcement on hers (I am not FB friends with her, nor have I ever met her). Some background - I am in a sexual A with a MM who is several years younger than me. I am divorced (nothing to do with A or MM - way before that) and currently single. MM is 33, his W is 28, and I am 39. They have been married for 2 years. My A is pretty much only sex - we text back and forth a bit, but nothing emotional or romantic. I do not want MM to leave his wife, and even if he did, I would not want to have a relationship with him. Anyway...so he tells me this piece of information, then goes on about how he isn't ready, her family was pressuring her, etc. He said that he feels conflicted about everything and needs to process and can't see me for a while. Also that she will be a great mom, and is a wonderful person, but that he just wasn't ready for a family, and feels blindsided (not sure if she was supposed to be on the pill, but if not, I am not sure why this would come as a surprise...lol) W's family is religious and a large family is very important to them. They apparently had pressured them from Day 1 to start having children. They live about 8 hours away from the area where we live (MM and I are from the same town) and every few weekends MM and W travel out to see her family. I don't know if it is good or bad, but I am kind of blah about it and really don't care. I feel badly for him, but I had a feeling this would happen sooner rather than later. I guess I'm slightly annoyed, if anything, since I really like the sex with him, but I suppose in a way I'm glad that I am not more affected by this news. Anyone have a similar experience where MM's wife gets pregnant and he pulls away? How did you feel? Did MM eventually come back to the A? Just curious about others' experiences. Sigh...well I guess this will force me to finally get out there and date again, which I absolutely cannot stand...lol! Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 How long have the two of you been sleeping together? Does he say why he's having an A? It makes sense to me that he would pull away and reassess now that his W is pregnant. Cheating on your wife is one thing, cheating on your pregnant wife takes it to another level. That said, they are only married 2 years and he is already cheating, so that doesn't bode well for their marriage, IMO. He will either become a serial cheater or they will end up divorced. My advice would be to give him a wide berth, especially if you don't care about him emotionally and it's no big deal to you. If there were to be a D-Day, this situation could go sideways on you in a hurry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author circe221 Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 We have been in a sexual A for about 4 years, on again off again. We only see each other 2-3 times per month, if that, and have gone for a few months without seeing each other. He said that he is having the A because his W is not very sexual and that every time they have sex she expects it to be a big sweet, gentle romantic scene with lots of "I Love You's". He said that she will not do certain things sexually and that he is unsatisfied with their sex life - both quantity and quality. It worked out fine for me because I had been divorced for a bit and wasn't ready for a full-blown relationship. The sex was amazing, and there was no commitment on my part. I am not looking to "out" him at all, and I truly hope there never is a D-Day because I wouldn't want to be with him either. My take on it is that she is very religious and family oriented, he is the same religion as she is and his family is very religious, but he seems a little distant from it. I don't know...he may now be feeling trapped by her Stepford Family (this is what they look like to me - the sterotypical all blonde hair/blue eyed and perfectly matching lol!) Or, he could be thrilled to pieces and just threw a story out there so he wouldn't hurt me. Who knows... In the conversation, I actually congratulated him, and did say that he might be surprised at being a father and love it after all. I tried to be positive, because in a way, I am happy for him if that is what he wants. The selfish and horny part of me is annoyed that I won't have a convenient outlet for my sexual needs, but overall I am somewhere between apathetic and happy for him. Such a strange trip an affair is... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) Or, he could be thrilled to pieces and just threw a story out there so he wouldn't hurt me. i actually think this is it. the story about the W not matching his sexual needs, about this Stepford family & him not being ready... yeah, that MIGHT have worked if the A started AFTER the marriage. but i mean, come on. he was having a relationship with you & married her two years later -- it's safe to say he had enough "material" to compare, think & he knew what he was getting into. i think he's feeding you the "feeling so pressured" story so he wouldn't look like a complete jacka**. OR the W started to suspect something so he's putting you on stand by. OR he is one of those who back off every single time something major happens -- when they get engaged & married, when the 1st kid comes along... & then after some time, when things will get back to normal & when they'll get bored - they come back. that being said - this definitely wasn't just sex for you even though you're doing a really great job in trying to convince yourself that it was. clearly there were SOME emotions involved, he would be the last thing on your mind otherwise. will he come back? probably, after the kid is born. Edited May 22, 2015 by minimariah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I've got a little different take on it: I think he is probably has a little virgin/whore thing going on. He married the virginal type, because that's the kind of woman he was raised to marry. Wholesome, will make a great mother, and acceptable to his family. Perhaps a lot like his mom. That woman, as wonderful as she is in many respects, does not satisfy the sexual part of him. You, on the other hand, are a sexual being. Uninhibited. Willing to be free, sexually, with a healthy erotic appetite. He digs that, but he doesn't marry it. KWIM? Now he has a real dilemma because he never envisioned himself as the kind of man who cheats on a pregnant wife. Nor did he see himself as someone who would cheat on the mother of his children. He is going to have to decide if he wants to commit fully to the marriage, and it will take him some time to figure it out. My bet is that he eventually comes back. After the child is born. If he thinks the marriage is sexually unsatisfying now, just wait until there is a child in the home. (No judgement, BTW. My children are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I am someone who really enjoys sex. But during those first years after having my sons...nothin' doin.) 6 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 bingo, Grapes. i totally forgot about "madonna-whore" complex - a reason why many cheat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 not committed ? 4 yrs ongoing.. sounds committed. detached ? unless you are a socio path... this scenario should affect you. get a device to pleasure you. Since your divorced ... you dont get play married by proxy . Any reason he married her in between your tryst? Food for thought... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 He'll be back. His poor wife. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author circe221 Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 i actually think this is it. the story about the W not matching his sexual needs, about this Stepford family & him not being ready... yeah, that MIGHT have worked if the A started AFTER the marriage. but i mean, come on. he was having a relationship with you & married her two years later -- it's safe to say he had enough "material" to compare, think & he knew what he was getting into. i think he's feeding you the "feeling so pressured" story so he wouldn't look like a complete jacka**. OR the W started to suspect something so he's putting you on stand by. OR he is one of those who back off every single time something major happens -- when they get engaged & married, when the 1st kid comes along... & then after some time, when things will get back to normal & when they'll get bored - they come back. that being said - this definitely wasn't just sex for you even though you're doing a really great job in trying to convince yourself that it was. clearly there were SOME emotions involved, he would be the last thing on your mind otherwise. will he come back? probably, after the kid is born. He had been dating her for a few years when we met. Hoping to have moved on and be dating someone else by the time/if he comes back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author circe221 Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 I've got a little different take on it: I think he is probably has a little virgin/whore thing going on. He married the virginal type, because that's the kind of woman he was raised to marry. Wholesome, will make a great mother, and acceptable to his family. Perhaps a lot like his mom. That woman, as wonderful as she is in many respects, does not satisfy the sexual part of him. You, on the other hand, are a sexual being. Uninhibited. Willing to be free, sexually, with a healthy erotic appetite. He digs that, but he doesn't marry it. KWIM? Now he has a real dilemma because he never envisioned himself as the kind of man who cheats on a pregnant wife. Nor did he see himself as someone who would cheat on the mother of his children. He is going to have to decide if he wants to commit fully to the marriage, and it will take him some time to figure it out. My bet is that he eventually comes back. After the child is born. If he thinks the marriage is sexually unsatisfying now, just wait until there is a child in the home. (No judgement, BTW. My children are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I am someone who really enjoys sex. But during those first years after having my sons...nothin' doin.) This makes the most sense. His W is very different than me in many ways, sexually being, I guess, the most important to him. But she is very much the "good girl" type - churchgoing, sings in church choir, only works part time and will stop once she has children to be a stay at home mom, etc. I am quite the opposite - don't go to church, full-time career and multiple hobbies that keep me quite busy. I am close with my family, but not in the way she is. So there is definitely a stark contrast there, most glaringly in the bedroom, I suppose. I would like to have children someday, and have considered doing that by myself. But would also like to meet someone to make a life together with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author circe221 Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 not committed ? 4 yrs ongoing.. sounds committed. detached ? unless you are a socio path... this scenario should affect you. get a device to pleasure you. Since your divorced ... you dont get play married by proxy . Any reason he married her in between your tryst? Food for thought... 4 years with gaps in there. Months where we wouldn't contact or see one another. I guess that's committed? Idk... I'd like to think I'm not a sociopath. I do have feelings, and have been deeply hurt both in my own divorce and in another long-term relationship ended. I guess with MM I am able to compartmentalize the sexual relationship, and since we really don't spend any time together other than when we are having sex, there is no emotional "connection" there - does that make sense? He had been dating her when we met, then when they got engaged and married we cooled off for a while - maybe 8 months - a year. I was surprised when he contacted me several months after the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Are you sure that being with the mm isn't , in a way, keeping you from being fully open to a new relationship with someone else? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Trishern Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Why would he marry her if he was going to cheat from the get go? You say you don't care, but the fact that you are posting on here , shows you feel something. Is it the rendezvous you will miss? I also don't buy the getting pressured story. Why not extract yourself from their marriage and let him be. If it gets exposed, not only will he look like a lowlife, but so will you. I'm sure you could do without that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 This makes the most sense. His W is very different than me in many ways, sexually being, I guess, the most important to him. But she is very much the "good girl" type - churchgoing, sings in church choir, only works part time and will stop once she has children to be a stay at home mom, etc. I am quite the opposite - don't go to church, full-time career and multiple hobbies that keep me quite busy. I am close with my family, but not in the way she is. So there is definitely a stark contrast there, most glaringly in the bedroom, I suppose. I would like to have children someday, and have considered doing that by myself. But would also like to meet someone to make a life together with. I'm sure the contrast in your sexuality is a big part of his attraction to you, but don't discount that you may also represent "the road not taken." It's easy to cast aspersions on the character of someone like this--and I've certainly done it many times--but ultimately I think it's tragic. This man is unable to live an integrated life because he can't be honest with himself or with others about what he truly desires in a relationship. He bowed to the pressure. And you became an outlet for him to let the hidden parts of himself run free. You deserve more than to be someone's hidden outlet, though. You've been married, and you have surely learned from that experience what it takes to succeed in marriage. I vote for finding someone with whom you can build a life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 This man is unable to live an integrated life because he can't be honest with himself or with others about what he truly desires in a relationship. He bowed to the pressure. And you became an outlet for him to let the hidden parts of himself run free. I suspect a possible "split self" here. Perhaps he's trying to do "the right thing", getting married, marrying a "good girl", spawning a family.... But it's not enough. It's not addressing other needs he has, and so he's turning to someone who isn't repelled by his "darker side" to provide those. I reckon he'll be back. Until he can reconcile all sides of himself, he'll need to augment his "approved" R with others. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I suspect a possible "split self" here. Perhaps he's trying to do "the right thing", getting married, marrying a "good girl", spawning a family.... But it's not enough. It's not addressing other needs he has, and so he's turning to someone who isn't repelled by his "darker side" to provide those. I reckon he'll be back. Until he can reconcile all sides of himself, he'll need to augment his "approved" R with others. I will never understand this... after all, I look, act, AM a 'good girl', just not in the bedroom. Men who have this complex should look for.someone more well rounded. Nobody would have any idea what kind of freak I am. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) Men who have this complex should look for someone more well rounded. they should look for a good therapist, finding someone more well rounded doesn't solve that problem. it's an interesting complex - some men just can't "reconcile" the mother & wife image with the filthy slut in the bedroom image, especially those who like to slut - shame & who are raised in the way to see sex as something filthy. they're unable to see a woman in more than one role, one dimension. they'll have fun with a "slut" but don't want their kids to be raised by a "slut" - the OP's lover married a "wifey material" (that's how they see it) & keeps the "dirty girl" around but she isn't "clean" enough to be a proper girlfriend. men with that complex tend to always cheat because they need 2 women at least, in 2 different roles. Edited May 22, 2015 by minimariah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I'm not judging or anything but please leave him be now. Please stop having an affair with this person, for the baby's sake. This young mother now needs ALL the love and attention she can get from her husband, and the baby is going to need even more. It would be even more devastating for her than it would be for any of us to learn her husband is screwing around on her while she is pregnant. If you have any love in your heart, please stop making this about you and how you feel, and focus yourself on HER and the baby, their well-being, and how they will feel. Please. There are many, many single, available men out there for you to have sex with. Give this young man the best advice for being a great father that you can muster, and then walk away. It is the right thing to do. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
minnesotagirl Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I'm not judging or anything but please leave him be now. Please stop having an affair with this person, for the baby's sake. This young mother now needs ALL the love and attention she can get from her husband, and the baby is going to need even more. It would be even more devastating for her than it would be for any of us to learn her husband is screwing around on her while she is pregnant. If you have any love in your heart, please stop making this about you and how you feel, and focus yourself on HER and the baby, their well-being, and how they will feel. Please. There are many, many single, available men out there for you to have sex with. Give this young man the best advice for being a great father that you can muster, and then walk away. It is the right thing to do. I'm a lurker who registered just to comment on this thread. Please listen to the above poster. My MM's wife got pregnant during our affair too. Like you, we had been having a long-term physical affair. I was very unsure and torn up about what to do, about whether to continue the affair. He was less confused - he wanted to continue through the pregnancy and beyond. So we did. I was totally torn up about this at the time, even being in the affair fog. But I did it anyway, and I own that. We ended up having a D-Day when his wife was 6 months pregnant. It was completely traumatic and devastating for her, for me, for him (though we had it coming, and she did not). I deeply regret not exiting the affair when I found out she was pregnant. It felt like an impetus at the time and I pushed it out of my mind because I was selfish and still wanted him. Please strongly consider parting ways now for the good of the little family-to-be. It does not matter if he's happy about the baby or how planned it was. His attention and support is needed elsewhere right now. Bow out gracefully and don't risk an implosion at literally THE most sensitive time in a family's life. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 My A is pretty much only sex - we text back and forth a bit, but nothing emotional or romantic. I do not want MM to leave his wife, and even if he did, I would not want to have a relationship with him. Then it should be easier to walk away since you aren't emotionally invested in him and it seems it is just an affair based on sex. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Bow out gracefully and don't risk an implosion at literally THE most sensitive time in a family's life. how did your situation end, are they still married? OP - when you really think about the amount of pain & devastation a D-day will cause... those few orgasms you get from him are really not worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minnesotagirl Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 (edited) how did your situation end, are they still married? They are reconciling, but it's a false reconciliation. She doesn't know that, though. She will eventually, I'm sure. He contacted me pretty quickly after D-Day, looking to resume the affair while she was still pregnant, and again just after their baby was born. We are NC. I'm done. He will cheat and get caught again, but not with me. I care about him but he's a very disordered person, and personally, I can't be a party to that level of hurt and deception anymore. Edited May 24, 2015 by minnesotagirl 6 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 We are NC. I'm done. He will cheat and get caught again, but not with me. I care about him but he's a very disordered person, and personally, I can't be a party to that level of hurt and deception anymore. does he have any intention of ever divorcing her? & you're doing great. keep the NC going, you don't need that mess in your life. seems like you're on a really good road to recovery and that's always good to see. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minnesotagirl Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 does he have any intention of ever divorcing her? & you're doing great. keep the NC going, you don't need that mess in your life. seems like you're on a really good road to recovery and that's always good to see. Thank you, and no, he's a very typical cake-eater. He wants a family to come home to and his side fun. He's a serial cheater, that's how they do life, you know? He has to have both the mistress and someone to chump or his life feels incomplete. That's why of course (!!!) he wanted to keep going through the pregnancy and birth. His life doesn't work without two women. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Thank you, and no, he's a very typical cake-eater. He wants a family to come home to and his side fun. He's a serial cheater, that's how they do life, you know? He has to have both the mistress and someone to chump or his life feels incomplete. That's why of course (!!!) he wanted to keep going through the pregnancy and birth. His life doesn't work without two women. Well, this paragon of virtue you describe sounds just like the MM of the OP. Just wants to keep getting it on the side while acting like a complete hypocrite and pretending to the world he's Husband and Father of the Year. OP, guys who cheat on their pregnant wives are about the lowest life form on this earth. You know you can do better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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