MM tired of his marriage? (my story)

[akmarsh90]

You may want to skip all the backstory and just go to the last section. I'm posting the whole thing just for information, because this is a new thing for me and I um...Don't know where the red flags may be.

 

So I've been OW for more then half a year now (I am 25 and he is 29, married with one child). The back story on my relationship with him goes like that: me and MM were working in a same office for about 3 years, our workplaces being next to each other so we could always talk freely. He always was a bit grim and kept everything to himself, so for the first 2 years we didn't even talked much - more so, he couldn't even look me straight in the eye, so all of my attempts to talk to him ended up in an awkward small talk. At the time I thought that he was just a really shut-in person and/or suffering from working with a lot of people. So we were going like that until last year when he suddenly started making advances towards me. At first it was small stuff like asking me to go get lunch/some fresh air together, telling me jokes/funny stuff/hows his life going - typical "friendly" stuff. After a while he invited me out for some dinner at his favorite place (I knew that he was meeting here with some friends on a weekly basis so it didn't sound any kind of suspicious to me), I declined a first few times but then I went like "Oh, what the hell, I don't have anything to do anyway" and so we spent an enjoyable evening just talking about everything. I remember him asking me questions about my current relationship, he asked me about my fiancée, gave me some advice on my life in general, everything fine. He paid for everything, as he said "I won't be gentleman if I won't"

Since that he got braver with his advances, but was still very subtle with them. He kept the "friendly" stuff, but added constant messaging me and innocently flirting with me, asking me if I maybe can let him kiss me or hug me in return for small gifts. Whenever I asked him about what does he wants from me exactly he usually just awkwardly cover himself with "We are just playing around, I don't really mean it, you don't have to do anything" and a god damn red face (sorry, but this was just too funny). I finally gave in once and he asked me if he can ask me out now. I never said straight "yes" to it, but it progressed naturally.

Since then we started going out on dates at least one time a week, he confessed his love for me, started giving me pretty expensive gifts from time to time and as you may expect his requests slowly went from something innocent to a full 2nd base. We haven't had sex until the 4th month and he never was pushy with it or anything, though. To this day we are still see each other at least once a week and message each other constantly. I do have feelings for him, but more as for a closest friend than boyfriend or lover. I really enjoy time we are spending together, he is very nice and attentive guy, we are very compatible in sex and I love the feeling of being wanted and needed (this is actually what I believe to be the real reason of us cheating on our partners - our lives were quite dull), and I can say that I embraced the "other woman" role. I knew that he is married from the start and never been jealous of his wife due to this. Never met her in person, though.

 

So here is my main concern with him. When I asked him about why does he wants to date me he just blatantly said "I really love my child and respect my wife, she is a good woman, but she is a huge strain on my mental and physical health. I am tired from her nagging and over the top demands (basically, his wife is a very, very overreacting person and he is having a lot of troubles with it), so I started to seek for another life partner and you seem like a suitable person for this.". Apparently they talked about the marriage and both agreed that a divorce is an option if their child turns 4 y.o. (which is 1,5 years from now) and everything will still be the same. He even straight said "I want to see you as my girlfriend and my wife if divorce will happen after all" a few times. However, I understand that this may never ever happen, and he understands this as well, so I am free to end the affair whenever I want. Another thing is that he wants to keep me with him on the same terms even if he won't be able to get a divorce and wants me to completely trust him so much it's almost seems suspicious. Feels almost like he was emotionally scarred with something involving trust issues in the past.

Now to some random questions. Is there even a slim chance of him choosing to stay with me after all? (Not like I want it really, it's actually much easier to manage him like this buuuut...He's quite handsome and a good man, so why not?) Is he just lying to me to feed his ego (not like it's a bad thing, though - I feed my ego by this affair as well)? I thought about him just keeping me around for sex, but this would end up being a little too expensive for him both in terms of money and his free time so there is not much of point doing it. Just what the hell is going through his mind with all of this? Are his feelings for me real or hold anything?

 

So, uh, sorry for this HUUUGE post, I just needed to sort everything and get a look at my situation from someone more experienced then me. Not even asking for answers, just need some analysis of it. Thank you!

[minimariah]

When I asked him about why does he wants to date me he just blatantly said "I really love my child and respect my wife, she is a good woman, but she is a huge strain on my mental and physical health. I am tired from her nagging and over the top demands (basically, his wife is a very, very overreacting person and he is having a lot of troubles with it), so I started to seek for another life partner and you seem like a suitable person for this.

 

this would be a red flag -- to me personally. sounds manipulative & void of any passion, intimacy & emotions. it's like he got tired of his W for some reason & he went "shopping" for another suitable model & you'll fit the position just fine.

 

I thought about him just keeping me around for sex, but this would end up being a little too expensive for him both in terms of money and his free time so there is not much of point doing it.

 

you would be surprised to know just how far are people ready to go to get some p*ssy. not saying that he's with you just for sex - but right at this moment, that's an option.

 

i don't think folks can really tell you what goes on in his mind & how will your story end. he can end up leaving his W - it happens, folks do leave.

 

communicate with him, pay attention to what he DOES -- not what he says. if he is serious about you, he'll come up with a plan & he'll follow through. it all depends on you & how long you're willing to stick around and wait. in an A, things like that usually come naturally... when folks fall in love, it's only natural for them to start talking about a future together & creating a plan. THEN you wait & see if he'll stick with that plan.

 

all of these questions you just asked here - you should ask him, too. don't be afraid - you'll see by his answers exactly what it is.

Edited May 21, 2015 by minimariah

[goodyblue]

You may want to skip all the backstory and just go to the last section. I'm posting the whole thing just for information, because this is a new thing for me and I um...Don't know where the red flags may be.

 

So I've been OW for more then half a year now (I am 25 and he is 29, married with one child). The back story on my relationship with him goes like that: me and MM were working in a same office for about 3 years, our workplaces being next to each other so we could always talk freely. He always was a bit grim and kept everything to himself, so for the first 2 years we didn't even talked much - more so, he couldn't even look me straight in the eye, so all of my attempts to talk to him ended up in an awkward small talk. At the time I thought that he was just a really shut-in person and/or suffering from working with a lot of people. So we were going like that until last year when he suddenly started making advances towards me. At first it was small stuff like asking me to go get lunch/some fresh air together, telling me jokes/funny stuff/hows his life going - typical "friendly" stuff. After a while he invited me out for some dinner at his favorite place (I knew that he was meeting here with some friends on a weekly basis so it didn't sound any kind of suspicious to me), I declined a first few times but then I went like "Oh, what the hell, I don't have anything to do anyway" and so we spent an enjoyable evening just talking about everything. I remember him asking me questions about my current relationship, he asked me about my fiancée, gave me some advice on my life in general, everything fine. He paid for everything, as he said "I won't be gentleman if I won't"

Since that he got braver with his advances, but was still very subtle with them. He kept the "friendly" stuff, but added constant messaging me and innocently flirting with me, asking me if I maybe can let him kiss me or hug me in return for small gifts. Whenever I asked him about what does he wants from me exactly he usually just awkwardly cover himself with "We are just playing around, I don't really mean it, you don't have to do anything" and a god damn red face (sorry, but this was just too funny). I finally gave in once and he asked me if he can ask me out now. I never said straight "yes" to it, but it progressed naturally.

Since then we started going out on dates at least one time a week, he confessed his love for me, started giving me pretty expensive gifts from time to time and as you may expect his requests slowly went from something innocent to a full 2nd base. We haven't had sex until the 4th month and he never was pushy with it or anything, though. To this day we are still see each other at least once a week and message each other constantly. I do have feelings for him, but more as for a closest friend than boyfriend or lover. I really enjoy time we are spending together, he is very nice and attentive guy, we are very compatible in sex and I love the feeling of being wanted and needed (this is actually what I believe to be the real reason of us cheating on our partners - our lives were quite dull), and I can say that I embraced the "other woman" role. I knew that he is married from the start and never been jealous of his wife due to this. Never met her in person, though.

 

So here is my main concern with him. When I asked him about why does he wants to date me he just blatantly said "I really love my child and respect my wife, she is a good woman, but she is a huge strain on my mental and physical health. I am tired from her nagging and over the top demands (basically, his wife is a very, very overreacting person and he is having a lot of troubles with it), so I started to seek for another life partner and you seem like a suitable person for this.". Apparently they talked about the marriage and both agreed that a divorce is an option if their child turns 4 y.o. (which is 1,5 years from now) and everything will still be the same. He even straight said "I want to see you as my girlfriend and my wife if divorce will happen after all" a few times. However, I understand that this may never ever happen, and he understands this as well, so I am free to end the affair whenever I want. Another thing is that he wants to keep me with him on the same terms even if he won't be able to get a divorce and wants me to completely trust him so much it's almost seems suspicious. Feels almost like he was emotionally scarred with something involving trust issues in the past.

Now to some random questions. Is there even a slim chance of him choosing to stay with me after all? (Not like I want it really, it's actually much easier to manage him like this buuuut...He's quite handsome and a good man, so why not?) Is he just lying to me to feed his ego (not like it's a bad thing, though - I feed my ego by this affair as well)? I thought about him just keeping me around for sex, but this would end up being a little too expensive for him both in terms of money and his free time so there is not much of point doing it. Just what the hell is going through his mind with all of this? Are his feelings for me real or hold anything?

 

So, uh, sorry for this HUUUGE post, I just needed to sort everything and get a look at my situation from someone more experienced then me. Not even asking for answers, just need some analysis of it. Thank you!

 

It is diffult to.say, but there are some things that tend to be part of an A where the guy really leaves:

 

A clear plan with a timeline

 

Honesty with the AP

 

Not a serial.cheat

 

The shorter the A the higher the chance he will go.

 

No sex or intimacy with the bs

 

Even with.these things it is still a crap shoot. saying he wants to be with his.child and respects his wife is not a good sign.

[minimariah]

ALSO - if you decide to be together - you both need to be SURE about it -- this "i don't really want him but he's the best i can get so i'll take it" attitude you have going on won't cut it. As are too messy & have way too many "victims" for you to be any less than 100% sure in this relationship. trust me, the transition from an A to an open relationship is never easy.

 

if you'll come out of this A together - you need to be sure in your relationship, in each other, you need to be each other's ROCKS, you need to be each other's sources of STRENGTH. no doubts. just a good plan, love & faith. make an exit strategy, follow it & stick together no matter what.

[viciouscircle]

You may want to skip all the backstory and just go to the last section. I'm posting the whole thing just for information, because this is a new thing for me and I um...Don't know where the red flags may be.

 

So I've been OW for more then half a year now (I am 25 and he is 29, married with one child). The back story on my relationship with him goes like that: me and MM were working in a same office for about 3 years, our workplaces being next to each other so we could always talk freely. He always was a bit grim and kept everything to himself, so for the first 2 years we didn't even talked much - more so, he couldn't even look me straight in the eye, so all of my attempts to talk to him ended up in an awkward small talk. At the time I thought that he was just a really shut-in person and/or suffering from working with a lot of people. So we were going like that until last year when he suddenly started making advances towards me. At first it was small stuff like asking me to go get lunch/some fresh air together, telling me jokes/funny stuff/hows his life going - typical "friendly" stuff. After a while he invited me out for some dinner at his favorite place (I knew that he was meeting here with some friends on a weekly basis so it didn't sound any kind of suspicious to me), I declined a first few times but then I went like "Oh, what the hell, I don't have anything to do anyway" and so we spent an enjoyable evening just talking about everything. I remember him asking me questions about my current relationship, he asked me about my fiancée, gave me some advice on my life in general, everything fine. He paid for everything, as he said "I won't be gentleman if I won't"

Since that he got braver with his advances, but was still very subtle with them. He kept the "friendly" stuff, but added constant messaging me and innocently flirting with me, asking me if I maybe can let him kiss me or hug me in return for small gifts. Whenever I asked him about what does he wants from me exactly he usually just awkwardly cover himself with "We are just playing around, I don't really mean it, you don't have to do anything" and a god damn red face (sorry, but this was just too funny). I finally gave in once and he asked me if he can ask me out now. I never said straight "yes" to it, but it progressed naturally.

Since then we started going out on dates at least one time a week, he confessed his love for me, started giving me pretty expensive gifts from time to time and as you may expect his requests slowly went from something innocent to a full 2nd base. We haven't had sex until the 4th month and he never was pushy with it or anything, though. To this day we are still see each other at least once a week and message each other constantly. I do have feelings for him, but more as for a closest friend than boyfriend or lover. I really enjoy time we are spending together, he is very nice and attentive guy, we are very compatible in sex and I love the feeling of being wanted and needed (this is actually what I believe to be the real reason of us cheating on our partners - our lives were quite dull), and I can say that I embraced the "other woman" role. I knew that he is married from the start and never been jealous of his wife due to this. Never met her in person, though.

 

So here is my main concern with him. When I asked him about why does he wants to date me he just blatantly said "I really love my child and respect my wife, she is a good woman, but she is a huge strain on my mental and physical health. I am tired from her nagging and over the top demands (basically, his wife is a very, very overreacting person and he is having a lot of troubles with it), so I started to seek for another life partner and you seem like a suitable person for this.". Apparently they talked about the marriage and both agreed that a divorce is an option if their child turns 4 y.o. (which is 1,5 years from now) and everything will still be the same. He even straight said "I want to see you as my girlfriend and my wife if divorce will happen after all" a few times. However, I understand that this may never ever happen, and he understands this as well, so I am free to end the affair whenever I want. Another thing is that he wants to keep me with him on the same terms even if he won't be able to get a divorce and wants me to completely trust him so much it's almost seems suspicious. Feels almost like he was emotionally scarred with something involving trust issues in the past.

Now to some random questions. Is there even a slim chance of him choosing to stay with me after all? (Not like I want it really, it's actually much easier to manage him like this buuuut...He's quite handsome and a good man, so why not?) Is he just lying to me to feed his ego (not like it's a bad thing, though - I feed my ego by this affair as well)? I thought about him just keeping me around for sex, but this would end up being a little too expensive for him both in terms of money and his free time so there is not much of point doing it. Just what the hell is going through his mind with all of this? Are his feelings for me real or hold anything?

 

So, uh, sorry for this HUUUGE post, I just needed to sort everything and get a look at my situation from someone more experienced then me. Not even asking for answers, just need some analysis of it. Thank you!

 

He is very manipulative, waiting until his child turns 4 doesn't even make sense and buys time. Whether his marriage is good or bad or just average he is choosing to stay in it for now. In almost every step of your story he has controlled the situation yet "let you" make decisions.

 

 

He has set this up to where you make the decision to continue the affair but he controls the situation. You can end the affair whenever you want but hang around for him in case at a future point in time he divorces. I doubt he has any real serious feelings at this point. The length of time for this affair he should be more emotionally invested than he is so it sounds more like a sex affair. Given the length and from what you posted about yourself it sounds like your not really "invested" in this relationship either.

[jwi71]

he asked me about my fiancée

 

Are you still with your fiancee?

Are you planning on still getting M (to your fiancee) and continuing the A?

 

Given what you write, and clearly your actions, you might want to reconsider going through with your wedding.

 

When I asked him about why does he wants to date me he just blatantly said "I really love my child and respect my wife, she is a good woman, but she is a huge strain on my mental and physical health. I am tired from her nagging and over the top demands (basically, his wife is a very, very overreacting person and he is having a lot of troubles with it), so I started to seek for another life partner and you seem like a suitable person for this."

 

If you two do decide to end up together...and actually do end up together...be careful you don't be a...in his words..."A huge strain on his mental and physical health" with "nagging and overt the top demands".

 

Massive red flag.

 

Apparently they talked about the marriage and both agreed that a divorce is an option if their child turns 4 y.o. (which is 1,5 years from now) and everything will still be the same.

 

If I had a penny for every time I have read this...

 

He even straight said "I want to see you as my girlfriend and my wife if divorce will happen after all" a few times.

 

I already asked...but are you planning on going through with your M and then getting a D IF MOM becomes available?

 

I think I would consider ending your engagement, calling off the wedding and not settling for someone you aren't completely head-over-heels in love with.

 

However, I understand that this may never ever happen, and he understands this as well, so I am free to end the affair whenever I want.

 

This is called offering you nothing. You already have this.

 

Another thing is that he wants to keep me with him on the same terms even if he won't be able to get a divorce and wants me to completely trust him so much it's almost seems suspicious. Feels almost like he was emotionally scarred with something involving trust issues in the past.

 

Very wise to not trust him. He's proven unworthy of it.

 

Is there even a slim chance of him choosing to stay with me after all? (Not like I want it really, it's actually much easier to manage him like this buuuut...He's quite handsome and a good man, so why not?)

 

Only he knows.

However, it is not likely that he will leave. Case in point, what is he doing to make his M better?

 

Is he just lying to me to feed his ego (not like it's a bad thing, though - I feed my ego by this affair as well)? I thought about him just keeping me around for sex, but this would end up being a little too expensive for him both in terms of money and his free time so there is not much of point doing it.

 

He could be feeding his ego.

He could be telling the truth (but unlikely IMO).

He could be silently competing with your fiancee - an issue of feeling superior over him (haha, I bedded your girl type of thing)

What man doesn't want two women feeding his needs and desires?

 

Just what the hell is going through his mind with all of this? Are his feelings for me real or hold anything?

 

No one can read his mind.

I will tell you he has ZERO incentive to choose...so why give up one when he can have both?

 

All of this is incidental though.

 

What do YOU want?

[RoseVille]

His entire story is just so predictable.

[whichwayisup]

When I asked him about why does he wants to date me he just blatantly said "I really love my child and respect my wife, she is a good woman, but she is a huge strain on my mental and physical health. I am tired from her nagging and over the top demands (basically, his wife is a very, very overreacting person and he is having a lot of troubles with it), so I started to seek for another life partner and you seem like a suitable person for this.". Apparently they talked about the marriage and both agreed that a divorce is an option if their child turns 4 y.o. (which is 1,5 years from now) and everything will still be the same. He even straight said "I want to see you as my girlfriend and my wife if divorce will happen after all" a few times. However, I understand that this may never ever happen, and he understands this as well, so I am free to end the affair whenever I want. Another thing is that he wants to keep me with him on the same terms even if he won't be able to get a divorce and wants me to completely trust him so much it's almost seems suspicious.

 

I hope you run the opposite direction. This isn't love. It's an ego feed and a control issue for him. He wants the best of both worlds and he doesn't care if it hurts you or his wife.

 

He doesn't respect his wife, or you.

[Popsicle]

I think that most married people get caught up in the feelings of the moment when they are interacting with their AP and forget that they are married and for that time being act/feel like they are single. This, unfortunately, causes them to say things they don't really mean when they are with you.

[Sassy Girl]

I would never choose my MM as a life partner. You know why?

 

Because he's a cheater.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Apart from echoing pretty much what everyone else has said, I'm just curious.

 

Why 4? What happens at this age that makes divorcing an option when it isn't an option now?

 

Buying you little presents so he could hug and kiss you? Does that sound creepy to anyone else?

 

My gut tells me he's setting you up for being his 'no expectations side piece'. Until you damage his welfare too of course. If you continue this affair, at least do it with the expectation that MM will not follow through on anything he's said, and his marriage probably isn't all that bad. He's a proven liar, so why take him at his word?

 

Assuming you're still with the fiancee you mentioned at one point, if you're not feeling it with him, break it off. I'm not sure how anyone can seriously contemplate marrying someone whilst cheating on them.

 

Alternatively, find out what your relationship with your fiancee is lacking and look to rectify it.

[GirlStillStrong]

What a creep! He sounds disgusting. And you fell for it.

 

Please have a heart. Have some compassion for the little child and leave his or her father alone. He is not going to leave the mother and child and if he did, why in the hell would you want to be with a man who abandons a baby??

[gettingstronger]

I would be cautious of this man- he is not tired of his marriage-he dislikes the position he got himself in to- married with a child-thats just being selfish and immature- what if you ended up with him and for whatever reason he was unhappy with a life circumstance you found yourselves in- would he run again?

[GypsumSatellite]

His red flags are as everyone else has pointed out: control. He love bombed you and while I can understand how you were in a vulnerable place to allow that kind of behavior to make you okay with sliding boundaries... this is all about control for him.

 

You know why his W is over-reacting and straining his mental state? She's expecting him to be a good partner and provider to her and their child. Instead, he's going to dinner with friends (and now you), buying you gifts, and sleeping with you.

 

But, he respects her. He respects her so much he's stepping out on her. He just needs to feel loved and needed. He needs to feel like a gentleman. Poor guy.

 

Welcome to the wonderful world of a guy giving you nice things and eroding your dignity to have a R behind his Ws back. I hear we get some kind of discount after our first year.

 

/ends cynical OW talk

 

Nothing's going to happen in 1.5 years that isn't happening now in your MMs marriage. He just doesn't want you to go getting yourself hitched where your future H has you all to himself. If you're still with your fiancee, you should really end that relationship. You need to sort your priorities out and he deserves better than this.

 

You don't even want your MM to really leave his M... I mean, he's handsome and a good man? This is your criteria for a decent catch? How has anything he's done with you make you go "Damn, that's a man I want to be around more often!".

 

Because... there will always be another young lady who likes shiny gifts around the corner. He's gets tired of his W's attitude, he finds you. He gets tired of seeing his reflection through your eyes, he finds someone else... and do you think he's going to tell you about them? Run... run... run.