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Coming full circle & don't do what I did!


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msoptimistic

Quick history...married and began an affair almost 3 years ago. Husband found out a year in and I attempted to end affair but we were hot n heavy again in no time. So for the past couple of years my H thought I was 100% devoted to working on M. After 3 years the same ole same ole with MM was getting very old and the A fog was starting to fade. I never issued ultimatums but I did start pulling back for awhile. The more I attempted to look at the relationship with head instead of heart, the more unhappy I became. I started questioning more how he could love me so much but it didnt seem to bother him that I was hurting and his wife was fine?

 

I had attempted to make the break and knew I was morally wrong. His wife had done nothing wrong as far as I knew but that didnt stop me. Putting myself in her place didnt work. The whole "if he did with you he'll do it to you" argument held no water. I was sadly, pathetically addicted to this man who showed through his actions exaactly what his feelings were. So...all the stress and all the anger and all the hurt led to my contacting his wife. I didnt disclose any details and somewhere in my twisted logic, I thought she'd just drop him like a hot potato. He is 28 years older than she and I hoped that was also getting on her nerves but boy was I wrong! All I accomplished was mass confusion for her and a feeling of being out of control for me.

Yes, it is forcing an end to the A and maybe in some perverted way I needed to see that he wouldnt fight for me or for us but let me assure you this is no way to do it. So now I am in NC for 11 hours and it feels like an eternity. I sneak times to cry and I question my sanity but we only do as good as we know and yesterday it seemed like yhere was no other option...today I know better but no regrets because it wouldnt change anything anyway.

 

I've cost myself what relationship we did have but arent most affairs dead ends anyway? Summer is here and a great time for a new beginning. It hurts. I love him but I gave up a whole lot of self respect for unreturned devotion. But that knowledge doesnt help me feell better or make putting one foot in front of the other any easier or even how to breathe without wanting to cry.

 

I dont even know what I was thinking but its said and done. Now to move on with alot of hard learned lessons, some of the best times of my life and some of the most frustrating times of my life...easier said than done I'm afraid!

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If you confess to the BS, thinking they will drop their cheating spouse, boy, you have another thing coming. Most BS's still stay.

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KissofGrace

All normal thoughts and feelings. Why didn't he fight for you? Because he didn't want to. Plain and simple. Sorry so blunt but it is the harsh and painful truth that we as OW need to accept. Move on with your life, try and reconcile all you can with your H, if you truly want to. Forgive yourself and above all believe that good men with great intentions do exist, after all you did (i'm guessing) marry one. And i'm quite sure you at one point believed that or you wouldn't still be married. all the best.

Edited by KissofGrace
typos
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Quick history...married and began an affair almost 3 years ago. Husband found out a year in and I attempted to end affair but we were hot n heavy again in no time. So for the past couple of years my H thought I was 100% devoted to working on M. After 3 years the same ole same ole with MM was getting very old and the A fog was starting to fade. I never issued ultimatums but I did start pulling back for awhile. The more I attempted to look at the relationship with head instead of heart, the more unhappy I became. I started questioning more how he could love me so much but it didnt seem to bother him that I was hurting and his wife was fine?

 

I had attempted to make the break and knew I was morally wrong. His wife had done nothing wrong as far as I knew but that didnt stop me. Putting myself in her place didnt work. The whole "if he did with you he'll do it to you" argument held no water. I was sadly, pathetically addicted to this man who showed through his actions exaactly what his feelings were. So...all the stress and all the anger and all the hurt led to my contacting his wife. I didnt disclose any details and somewhere in my twisted logic, I thought she'd just drop him like a hot potato. He is 28 years older than she and I hoped that was also getting on her nerves but boy was I wrong! All I accomplished was mass confusion for her and a feeling of being out of control for me.

Yes, it is forcing an end to the A and maybe in some perverted way I needed to see that he wouldnt fight for me or for us but let me assure you this is no way to do it. So now I am in NC for 11 hours and it feels like an eternity. I sneak times to cry and I question my sanity but we only do as good as we know and yesterday it seemed like yhere was no other option...today I know better but no regrets because it wouldnt change anything anyway.

 

I've cost myself what relationship we did have but arent most affairs dead ends anyway? Summer is here and a great time for a new beginning. It hurts. I love him but I gave up a whole lot of self respect for unreturned devotion. But that knowledge doesnt help me feell better or make putting one foot in front of the other any easier or even how to breathe without wanting to cry.

 

I dont even know what I was thinking but its said and done. Now to move on with alot of hard learned lessons, some of the best times of my life and some of the most frustrating times of my life...easier said than done I'm afraid!

 

 

What were you hoping to gain here? An end to the A? Why not end it on your own w/o having the BS "do it for you"? And how was this going to play out anyway:

 

She files for D...which makes him available all to you yes? And then what?

 

She doesn't file for D...and...what then?

 

What if she files but he begs her to stay?

 

What if she files and he comes running to you? Will you then file for D (I'm uncertain if you are still M)?

 

More to the point...my worry is if YOU couldn't end the A unilaterally...what makes you this WILL end NOW? What were you wanting his BS to accomplish for YOU that you cannot achieve on your own?

 

My initial thoughts are you are trying to "win" your MOM and then file for D. If that doesn't pan out, well, you still have your H to fall back on. This seldom works as intended (provided its your goal).

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Because he didn't want to.

 

This is always, *always* what it comes down to... with each and every MM. Yes, there's complicated reasons why he might not, but at the end of the day, he weighs his options, and "doesn't want to."

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Grapesofwrath
This is always, *always* what it comes down to... with each and every MM. Yes, there's complicated reasons why he might not, but at the end of the day, he weighs his options, and "doesn't want to."

 

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. He will say that he "can't." But the truth is...he won't. Because he doesn't want to. Not enough, anyway.

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Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. He will say that he "can't." But the truth is...he won't. Because he doesn't want to. Not enough, anyway.

 

Yup. That's precisely what I told MM. "It's not that you can't (leave his W), you just don't want to." His response was , "Ouch! That's a pretty mean way of saying it, but... yeah, you're right."

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Gloria_Smellons

I seem to have noticed with MM (mine and others on this board), that whenever an undeniable truth is said by the OW they are accused of 'being mean'.

 

I think women especially, are socially conditioned from a young age to 'be nice', and when someone says we're being mean a natural reaction is to alter our behaviour in an attempt to soothe the person involved.

 

It almost seems to be like a reflex and it is one I am trying to break - with particular regards to MM.

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I think its time you split from your husband ,you have been lying and cheating on him long enough .

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gettingstronger

Hate to bring this up- but have you prepared yourself for "if" they return the favor by disclosing to your husband? If they take a page from your book in that the spouse should know, in their hurt and anger they may contact your husband. I am not going to push for you to disclose because that would lead to a big back and forth on the subject, but I think you would be wise to put some mental energy on how you will handle that.

 

You made a decision to disclose to the other spouse, all you can do know is deal with the fall out for YOU-not them, they will need to handle themselves- get to work on you and best of luck-

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cozycottagelg

When your husband found out 2 years ago, did he not disclose what he knew to the wife? And if not, why?

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msoptimistic

Sending from phone so excuse typos..yes, I have given a lot of thought to the fallout of what I did and one reason I say don't do what I did is because of the worry if she will choose to disclose. I cannot explain my train of thought when i dialed that number but it was more like this would cause a change one way or the other, good or bad. We had been on that same path for so long. Part of me just wanted to hear her voice & see if she sounded like the witch he portrayed her to be. And part of me honestly, truly felt sorry for her. She is 38 years younger than him and 21 years younger than me. Close to my daughters age. As things progressed and I felt guiltier I also felt sorrier for her. So everything led to that fateful horrible decision. And remember, he had convinced me she was cruel and horrible

 

This is definitely not a good decision toake and I wouldn't advise anyone to try it

The outcome is way too iffy and talk about opening a can of worms.

 

The fallout for me is dealing with H while still in love with him. Being for forced to break away from him and acknowledging that he is not who you thought he was and even being ignored and hurt doesn't make you love him less just makes you madder at yourself that you can't turn those feelings off which should be easier.

 

So my journey has a huge ole twist to deal with..

Now let me ask this...having this crazy turn of events

..will he contact? There is one avenue he could use that I can't easily change...should I go through the hassle of changing it or wonder if he will make contact?

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msoptimistic

Told u I wasn't great typing on phone! That should say she is 28 years younger than him. I remember at her age how desperately I wanted kids and she seems to be the same but he has no intention of starting over with a newborn at 56...these are the kind of things that truly made me feel bad for her...

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Other people's men are other people's men, and you have one of your own.

 

I don't want to lecture you about your morals, but you have painted yourself into a corner.

 

Your marriage is a sham, and your husband deserves to know the truth.

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msoptimistic

Believe me you could lecture all day and you wouldn't tell me anything I didn't know or anything I don't tell myself daily. I dont think there's a question about right vs wrong and yes I have been wrong and yes I painted me a big old corner. For those of us on here and going through all those painful, moral, ethical dilemmas I'm just saying v don't make rash decisions

Try your best to think with your head and not always your heart. Don't get so deeply involved that you lose all self respect..now my problem begins with the everyday NC issues

..a break is a break no matter how it happened a.d the hurt is still just as devastating!

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