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I've been having an A for about 2 years. We met at a house party of a mutual friend (Who was 1 month removed from having sex with her!) We've become emotionally involved and she's become distant. According to her, she backed off because she feels bad for my BS every time AFTER we're intimate. And the emotions we share become too much for her. She's separated and I'm her maintenance man. I always offer my time but she rarely makes time for me anymore. How can I fix this?

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I_Give_Up67

End your affair with her immediately, for starters.

 

If you do not want to end it, then confess to your wife, and ask her for a divorce so you can carry on with the other woman.

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endingpage

She understands what she is doing is wrong and cruel to your BS, and she wants to get away from you. Leave her alone. The more she pulls back, the more she'll eventually see she doesn't need a "maintenance" man.

 

I'm always so surprised that MM (or MW) can't understand why OW (or OM) pull away, especially if the OW is single. I mean, come on, dude.

 

And don't cheat on your BS.

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@endingpage She's separated and I was hoping for suggestions on making things better between me and my A. I was lead to believe that this was a SUPPORT forum. To the others who commented, I thank you for your comments.

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If you don't care for people's responses here, you could always ask your wife for advice.

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I actually liked your comment Satu. I told her that I would fall back and if she needed or wanted me, to call. It's just difficult to do because I enjoy talking to her and I care about what goes on with her.

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I think she's been pretty clear on wanting her space. The more you push, the more she's going to end up resenting you. It seems like she's growing a conscience and the guilt is getting to her, and she's getting some heavy feelings for you and can't handle them because she knows you're married.

 

Any plans on leaving your wife? That's the only way you're really going to make things "better" with your AP. No? Then let her go and respect her space.

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I actually liked your comment Satu. I told her that I would fall back and if she needed or wanted me, to call. It's just difficult to do because I enjoy talking to her and I care about what goes on with her.

 

I accept that, but sometimes we have to forgo what we want, for the benefit of others.

 

Do to do so is a higher form of love.

 

I will not shrink from it.

 

Will you?

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You're probably right Goldie. I told her from the beginning that I wasn't leaving home but maybe she want's me too. I'll ask her. Thanx!

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If you mean love her enough to let her go Satu, I've been trying to get that mindset. Hence, falling back...

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Look at it from her point of view.

 

All around, it's a crappy deal for her. She gets to feel guilty about your wife and you have no intention of leaving.

 

It's quite different for a single affair partner. Do some reading here and you might come to understand the many destructive aspects for the OW.

 

It would be best if you respect her wishes and leave her alone now, before your wife finds out.

Poppy.

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You're probably right Goldie. I told her from the beginning that I wasn't leaving home but maybe she want's me too. I'll ask her. Thanx!

 

Why the affair? Just out of curiosity. I think part of this whole situation is taking responsibility for our own part in it.

 

If you told your AP from the beginning that you were not leaving, and she was aware of that, it's quite possible she is removing herself from the situation for her own benefit before it becomes worse for her emotionally.

 

It's very tough for single OWs. Even as a former married OW, it got tough for me. When emotions become involved, all bets are off.

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minimariah

i think she's trying to move on with her life -- away from you. she probably wants a serious relationship & is aware that yours has no future (unless you're planning to leave your W). that being said, she's backing off and moving on.

 

you can't do anything, really. she has already made her decision, it seems. you can only accept it.

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If you mean love her enough to let her go Satu, I've been trying to get that mindset. Hence, falling back...

 

Its good that you're trying.

 

I respect that.

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gettingstronger

You don't have to love someone to respect them- its not a matter of loving her enough to let her go, its a matter of respecting her enough to understand you are not what she wants/needs right now-

 

You are kind of asking for advice on how to manipulate an already hurting woman- please take some time to read threads from some hurting OWs on here trying to break free from MM that keep trying to lure them back in-

 

It is so unfair to these women, not to mention your wife. Perhaps some OW will chime in and tell you how hard it was for them to do what your OW did by walking away- that may give you the motivation to respect her-

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endingpage

I was a single OW too; you can read my threads or any of the threads here to see it is not a good place to be emotionally, since I still don't think you understand. It's constant torment.

 

I'm telling you what your OW is feeling and why she is pulling away. Because I did the same. I hope you "love" or at least respect her enough to let her go.

 

You realize that you are essentially asking how to keep your OW hooked on you and similtaneously cheat on your wife, right? I really doubt you will find much support on this board.

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OP, welcome to LS

 

A couple questions, to clarify:

 

1. The lady in question is 'separated'. Is that legally separated, physically separated, etc, etc.... As example, does she live alone?

 

2. You met at a mutual friend's party, apparently a friend who had a past sexual relationship with her while she was married and/or separated. Is that right? How long did that go on and how long has she been separated?

 

3. You asked 'how can I fix this?' What do you want with the lady you want to fix this with? Is she going to be your next wife? A person to have sex with and share some emotions with while you're currently married? Etc, etc. What's your goal? You say you told her early on that you 'weren't leaving'. Is that still the goal? Not leaving your marriage and continuing an affair?

 

IME, such relationships work out best when both parties are on the same page. It appears you want a non-committed sexual and emotional affair running concurrent to your marriage for reasons as of yet undisclosed. It appears she evidently wants 'more' and has some guilt regarding what these actions are, or may be, doing to your spouse. Hence, she may be an inappropriate partner. You may be better off with a MW who has a mindset and goals similar to your own.

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She is separated, living alone with her 2 children. When I met her, she was looking for sex and I wasn't looking for anything really but was open to what she was looking for. It was an obvious attraction from day one and we both decided to act on it.

 

Fully understanding our situations. Our mutual friend and her (according to her ) had sex 3 times and other than a platonic relationship, she assured me that she was done with him. (Although it eventually became clear that he wasn't done with her!) We didn't have a clear cut goal in this relationship. (At least we didn't discuss one ) You all are correct in the fact that I need to end this. We've discussed ending it and maintaining a friendship, but eventually we give in to our primal urges.

 

As to why I cheat, I have a unique situation at home. My wife and I have kids from prior marriages. (Me 4, her 1, together 0) All our kids are grown but hers still lives with us and that fact is our biggest problem. She continues to say that her daughter is going to get her own place but it doesn't seem likely. My kids live on their own and I don't see why an exception should be made for her kid when mine can't live with us. I'm trying to hang in there but my wife does nothing to make it easier for me.

 

She refuses to talk to me about or address her kid's issues. I need to vent which left an opening for my A to offer a release for me. I'm not justifying my actions but that's where it started. And all of the frustration causes me to not desire my wife the way i did once upon a time. I've tried to move out but me or my wife don't really want that to happen. I've made it clear to my wife that I don't want to live with her kid!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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As they say "Fix it or Leave it". What you are doing is avoiding a major issue between you.

You are feeling resentful and it is manifesting itself in your behaviour.

 

I had the same thing in my marriage. My husband wanted his 21 year old daughter to continue living with us. The young woman was jealous of me, threw tantrums and told lies about me to her father.

 

Finally, I moved out and gave him an ultimatum. He chose our marriage and his daughter moved out. She hated me and her father for a few years but eventually got her own life and recovered.

 

Poppy.

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I'm at the point of giving my wife an ultimatum but I don't think she'll choose me over her kid. The problem is that the kid is book smart but lacks common sense. She always has some backwards opinion about something that no one asked for. IE. When my wife and I were dating (9 years ago) they lived on the 2nd floor of her mother's house. Her mom (91) & sis (74) lived on the first floor. The 2 on the first floor would go shopping and put everything that needed to go in the basement (liquid laundry detergent and bleach) in front of the basement door. They would take everything else in the house, rest for a while and get the basement stuff later that day. The daughter needed to get into the basement. Instead of moving the basement stuff, she simply opened the door causing the liquids to spill into the basement. On top of this, since she was in a hurry, she left the mess on the floor. My wife comes home and of course the mom and sister were furious! My wife confronted her daughter about it and her reply was that she didn't know what to use to clean up the mess and that g-ma & auntie should not have put that stuff there. She didn't apologize either! She's a moron and needs to get her own place.

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As they say "Fix it or Leave it". What you are doing is avoiding a major issue between you.

You are feeling resentful and it is manifesting itself in your behaviour.

 

I had the same thing in my marriage. My husband wanted his 21 year old daughter to continue living with us. The young woman was jealous of me, threw tantrums and told lies about me to her father.

 

Finally, I moved out and gave him an ultimatum. He chose our marriage and his daughter moved out. She hated me and her father for a few years but eventually got her own life and recovered.

 

Poppy.

Question for you. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you do the same as your Hubby?

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I've been having an A for about 2 years. We met at a house party of a mutual friend (Who was 1 month removed from having sex with her!) We've become emotionally involved and she's become distant. According to her, she backed off because she feels bad for my BS every time AFTER we're intimate. And the emotions we share become too much for her. She's separated and I'm her maintenance man. I always offer my time but she rarely makes time for me anymore. How can I fix this?

 

Beg her? I don't know.

 

Other than persisting, I don't think there is anything you can do. Your hands are tied when you are married.

Edited by Popsicle
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Another thing, I did not initiate this affair so I don't feel as though I've manipulated anything or anyone. I had a weak moment and allowed things to go on from there. I do agree with all of you who say that I need to end things. It's not an easy thing to let go of your infatuation. And I know it's not impossible!

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