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Foodjunkie79

So I fell into this 'relationship' 3 years ago. MM was living with his wife an I was only aware of this until he told me. I accepted the honesty and just looked at it as abit of fun! Feelings run deeper, got attached and fell for him, is the long and short of it. I ended it when I couldn't handle the fact that I knew he was in the marital bed every night. With this he moved his wife and children out into a property she currently had round the corner! (They had split up previous to me coming along, but kept on the other property should they fall out again). So we started up again, went away on weekends, had real good fun together, lots of banter and really bounced off one another.

 

 

Knowing that him and his wife were now separated, I kept on about going to his place. He lives 100 miles from me!! I was getting fed up with secret trips away, or always being at mine.....I wanted to be in his environment. I kept getting told it was too awkward....she lives too close.....would go mental if she knew.....he's kids wouldn't like it etc etc Now altho I understand this to some extent.....If he's single....he's single right!! I might also add that during our 3 years he has been very manipulative and controlling!! But he is also very generous and would always pay for everything, be complimentary, send flowers etc

 

 

I know this is long but please keep reading.....He claims to love me....says he has never walked down the street with a girl and held hands, never kissed in public and says I have taught him a lot in that respect.....How its nice to show affection....as he always criticized others for doing so and certainly never done this with his wife......all they did was row......apparently!!

 

 

So I tell him 2 years in I want more.....once a week visits and the odd trip away isn't enough! How it doesn't feel like a relationship when im being kept a secret! Im always fed false promises that never ever transpire!! So I end it over and over again!! I can never break free.....he always sucks me back in. He drives down the 100 miles......crys....and I just weaken to him. So last july he tells me he's going on a thinking holiday with his children.....said he owes his kids one last holiday!! He has worked hard for what he has got and needs the break to decide what his plan is going to be. Who am I to deny him that! If it gets us moving in another direction then I was happy about it. BUT.....me being a girl who has a tick-tocking brain.....I just didn't quite believe him!! I knew where his wife worked so my plan was to call her place of work on the day of the holiday!! And to back up my sense of doubt.....I started following his kids on social media sites. So, day of holiday arrives, I ring her place of work and BANG.....my heart drops to the pit of my stomach. Shes on annual leave and has gone on holiday. Thank you gut instinct!!! So he texts me while he is there....an I calmly tell I know!! He blatantly and strongly denies this......"she's in the Uk", he screamed at me! So I then forward a photo of his wife and child standing in the apartment complex! So for me....this is defiantly over. Ultimate betrayal yeah? I was inundated with text after text sayin how much he loves me, never knew real love and affection till he met me. The kids begged him to take the wife saying it wasn't fair to leave her at home......and being the weak man that he is.....he took her!! So...I get sucked in yet again!! I mean....this man drives the 100 miles every week to see me.....its been going on for 3+ years.....he must think something of me right?

 

 

So anyway....I thought it was best I kinda 'tried' to change my attitude about him.....accept it for what it is....and just be happy that I have some form of excitement in my life!!! Only......

 

 

I get a text intended for the wife!! How he has left her alone for ages and she knew how hard this was for him! How he just wants to be next her 24 hours a day!! I mean wtf!!!! Yet again hes full of crap on how it isn't what it seems he just has deep regrets about how his marriage ended up and how the kids have been affected and the deep quilt he feels over it!!! So....I feel like im being taken for a fool!! Completely mugged off. But why wont this fella leave me alone after all the times ive tried ending it!! Surely when the funs run out...that's it! When you've been caught out quite a few times.....its embarrassing!! Last time I ended it....I said if he drove down I will call his wifes place of work and tell all......to this he replied, "well do it then". Im at a loss! Any words of wisdom? And thanks for reading......x

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Sassy Girl

I know a man who is a serial cheater who makes sure his affairs are a long way from home - he thinks the distance will prevent him from getting caught. So it's a tactic for him to keep his affairs going.

 

You are making the mistake of thinking he must love you if he drives all that way. That's completely wrong. He does it so his wife never finds out. He keeps distance between his wife and his mistress for damage control. It's actually more convenient that you're 100 miles away, not less.

 

that's not love. That's lying and manipulation. He only Loves himself. Choose better for yourself.

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Foodjunkie79

I could spill on this though at any time....knowing where she works....I even have the home phone number!! Its a long drive...must cost a lot in fuel....I just cant get my head round it and keep thinking "he must think something of me"........that or he deserves a bloody Oscar for his fake performance over the last 3 years! ugh

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Sassy Girl
I could spill on this though at any time....knowing where she works....I even have the home phone number!! Its a long drive...must cost a lot in fuel....I just cant get my head round it and keep thinking "he must think something of me"........that or he deserves a bloody Oscar for his fake performance over the last 3 years! ugh

 

Look, maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But real love isn't controlling and manipulative. Real love doesn't make you feel bad.

 

And he knows you could spill, that's why he lied to you and puts on the waterworks. Damage control. It's to stop you from spilling. It's worked for 3 years, hasn't it?

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GirlStillStrong
I could spill on this though at any time....knowing where she works....I even have the home phone number!! Its a long drive...must cost a lot in fuel....I just cant get my head round it and keep thinking "he must think something of me"........that or he deserves a bloody Oscar for his fake performance over the last 3 years! ugh

But what would be the point of telling her?

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If you don't realise that you deserve something better, you'll never have anything better.

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Foodjunkie79
But what would be the point of telling her?

 

 

 

He once said he would be relieved when she knew!! Hes just too weak to do it himself. An I guess it would also put me in my place!! I'd get a call telling me she knows and the rest would follow I guess.....

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GirlStillStrong
He once said he would be relieved when she knew!! Hes just too weak to do it himself. An I guess it would also put me in my place!! I'd get a call telling me she knows and the rest would follow I guess.....

I personally feel it is not my place to tell BS. But that's just me.

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I could spill on this though at any time....knowing where she works....I even have the home phone number!! Its a long drive...must cost a lot in fuel....I just cant get my head round it and keep thinking "he must think something of me"........that or he deserves a bloody Oscar for his fake performance over the last 3 years! ugh

 

Foodjunkie, Your relationship with MM seems very dysfunctional. Of course being in an affair is pretty dysfunctional. I have been in an A with a MM for 2 and a half years. I am a MW so maybe that is why this drama is not happening in my A. I believe early on I thought we would end up together. That was pretty naive of me to think that. Most MM do not leave there wives. I am pretty realistic now about what our relationship is. We have never broken up and done this back and forth dance you and your MM have done, again that sounds really dysfunctional. My MM does not have kids. I think it would be hard to have an A with a MM with children. Most likely, your MM never intended to leave his W and children. Most likely, he does care for you, but he cares for her as well. In addition to leaving his W, it would mean leaving his kids, possibly losing a relationship with her family or his family and losing friends. I realize that even though my MM does not have kids, he has a lot to lose if he leaves his W. I don't even know if I want him to turn his life upside down just so he can be with me. So yes, your MM probably cares for you, maybe even loves you, but he isn't going to leave her. You have tried to break up before, you have tried forcing his hand, now you are angry because you cannot have what you thought you would eventually get. And, yes, you are angry because he lied to you. I think every OW has had that happen to her on some level.

 

Personally, I have decided to stay in a relationship which I realize cannot move beyond this point. I may change my mind at some point and end our A, but for now I accept to take that role. If you want MM to leave his wife and kids and he won't, you should break it off with him. Since he is always running to you and you go back to him, this may be difficult, but it can be done.

 

I have never, not even for one moment, thought of telling my MM's W about our A. I care for my MM too much to turn his world upside down. I also don't feel like destroying something that I never should have been a part of and hurting another person because I am angry and seeking revenge. However, if you truly want to end your A and do not want him coming down after you, then I guess tell the W because, I guarantee the A will be over for good. He will be trying to fix his marriage and he will tell his W that you are the crazy OW that won't leave him alone.

 

I hope you can break this cycle and end it, try to do so with as much dignity as you can.

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well he said "do it then". I would follow his wishes. He will leave you alone then and make it easier on you.

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Foodjunkie79

Babs....my main point is, he has been separated from his wife for over 2 years now. His children are at an age where they would have adapted. So this being the case, I can not comprehend why I am still a secret! All is not what it appears, I can see that much. Im well aware he will never fully commit to me despite the heart felt pleas and begging to keep me in his life! I spose ive got 2 options....shut up and put up or stop wasting my life on someone who's never going to completely include me in his! Thanks for the replys x

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Babs....my main point is, he has been separated from his wife for over 2 years now. His children are at an age where they would have adapted. So this being the case, I can not comprehend why I am still a secret! All is not what it appears, I can see that much. Im well aware he will never fully commit to me despite the heart felt pleas and begging to keep me in his life! I spose ive got 2 options....shut up and put up or stop wasting my life on someone who's never going to completely include me in his! Thanks for the replys x

 

He's not separated. Not unless formal court papers were filed. Were they filed?

 

He is still taking her on vacation.

 

 

He's using you - because you continue to participate.

 

Do you have the strength to never respond to him again - never see him?

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whatatangledweb

Are you sure they live in different homes or are you going by what he has said?

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That's awful , Foodjunkie, what you're going to through!! I know I would be very upset too! I sort of wish that I lived close to your xMM just so I could spy on him for you to see if he and W live in 1 house (I think so!!!) :(

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Quiet Storm

He's lying to you because he's a liar. This is what liars/ cheaters do. When it benefits them, they lie, even if it's to people they claim to love. Even if OW accepts MM and he doesn't need to lie, they still will because they are liars.

 

So anyway....I thought it was best I kinda 'tried' to change my attitude about him.....accept it for what it is....and just be happy that I have some form of excitement in my life!!! Only......

 

 

You were bargaining with this thought process. He's not giving you what you really want, so you are trying to talk yourself into being happy with what he does give you (excitement), while ignoring the fact that he's a liar and you can't trust him. Even if you did want a part time relationship, why choose to have one with a liar?

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Foodjunkie79

They definitely live in separate homes. I follow his children on social media and saw a status when hes boy moved in with the mum coz of an argument!! His boy also tweeted once "Just had the most vivid dream that my parents were getting back togeva.....thanks god I woke up from that nightmare"!! So although not divorced....I do believe there not properly together.

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Best way is to stay far away until his divorce is final!

 

He may never be an available man.

 

 

And it's kind of creepy that you follow his kids in order to spy on him.

 

 

He took his wife on vacation. That should be enough to tell you what's really going on.

 

Don't be surprised when he takes her again this summer.

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goodgirlgonebad15

Maybe they really are sepearted and living seperate lives...but maybe he just is/was on the rebound with you and isn't ready to include you in every aspect of his life?. I keep reading that people need at least 2 years of being single after a divorce...

 

I was also lied to and mainuplated by a seperated man...I have learned one big lesson...Seperation does not equal divorce and should not be treated as such.

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Foodjunkie79
Best way is to stay far away until his divorce is final!

 

He may never be an available man.

 

 

And it's kind of creepy that you follow his kids in order to spy on him.

 

 

He took his wife on vacation. That should be enough to tell you what's really going on.

 

Don't be surprised when he takes her again this summer.

 

 

It is creepy your right! But I think my instinct was telling me that not all is as it appears.....an I was hoping that I could find information out via this route

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Foodjunkie79

Reading some of your replies to my thread the other day, and of course reading other peoples stories has really opened my eyes!! I only discovered this site by accident and wish I had found it sooner.

 

 

I have known for a long time that the relationship im currently having is not heading anywhere! I've been fed too many false promises. Theres been too many lies! And ultimately I can't keep fighting for someone who is never going to completely commit to me. I will always be a secret! I'm wasting so much of my own life and draining myself of emotional energy on this fella!! I've previously ended it numerous times. The result has always been the same. Lots of texts pleading to change. Pleas of love. Driving the distance and knocking my door with a sad face!! I don't want to be sucked in again!! What do you advise should he drive down again!? The texts I can ignore. But knocking my door after an hour and half journey is another matter!

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In a way it is kind of a good thing... at least he would know you meant it if you ignored the door. If you have a front window, open the shades, sit in a rocker drinking tea and reading a book while ignoring his pleas. He'll get the message. ;)

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GirlStillStrong

Don't answer the door. When you're through, you're through. If you give him the opportunity to open his mouth, you are only going to get more manipulation. When you realize just how much you have been manipulated by this person, hopefully it will make you angry enough to see how hurtful he has been to you and your life. I personally am tired of being someone else's sucker.

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Foodjunkie79
Don't answer the door. When you're through, you're through. If you give him the opportunity to open his mouth, you are only going to get more manipulation. When you realize just how much you have been manipulated by this person, hopefully it will make you angry enough to see how hurtful he has been to you and your life. I personally am tired of being someone else's sucker.

 

 

 

Your so right!! Ya know im sitting here.....and ive already been angry, upset, hurt, manipulated and controlled.......I feel nothing now!! That's got to be a sign surely

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