How to end 3+ A with MM? Help!

[KissofGrace]

Hello all, I have been involved with a MM for over 3 years and i have decided to end it. I am seeking advice on what to say, when to say it and how i should start and end the convo. I ask this because he is quite the charmer, manipulator and controlling bf/mm. Personally, i think he is a Narcissist.

 

I know you may hear this often but our story is quite different. we met when we were teenagers, now we are both in our 40's. We lost touch after dating 1.5 years, for various reasons and we lived about 100 miles away. We re-connected 3 years ago via the internet, after 25 years. we immediately met in person after 2 weeks of communicating through messages. It was clear and still remains that we loved each other and never stopped loving each other. we never stopped thinking about each other and we both had evidence that we looked for each other for years. At the time we reconnected i was engaged to be married, he was and is still M.

 

I ended my engagement, relocated to be closer to him and we had an agreement that after his youngest child graduated HS we would be together. They, he and W had a deal to stay together until the HS graduation so as to not interrupt the school process with the effects of divorce. This i believe because he has shown me texts messages from her stating she can't wait to be done with him and wants the deal to be over, that she doesn't love him and that she is miserably unhappy.

 

He tells me the marriage was a deal: she was pregnant after dating for a few months and he did not love her, but loved his unborn child. they married 3 weeks before the baby was born. he states the marriage hasn't always been bad but for the most part it has been out of convenience for both of them (school, finances, security, etc.) he repeatedly told me, and continues to tell me that for the most part of the marriage and for the past 3 years that he doesn't love her. After about 6/7 months that i moved to be closer to him, things with us changed. he began to withdraw (not call as much, less messages, less visits, non-affectionate) i made my assumptions, so did he.

 

He did not come to physically see me for over 4 months. 2 years into the A and 1 year after i moved to be closer to him, i was unfaithful (1night stand-alcohol involved-a lot) he found out about it 4 mo.s later and the emotional, verbal, mental and psychological abuse began. He became controlling, wanted all my passwords to just about everything and a house key. which i voluntaritly gave in order to prove to him, i was vested in the relationship and so i could show him he could trust me. We decided we still wanted to be committed and continue to work towards the goal of being together. 2 weeks after my A was found out he goes away for the weekend with W and has sex with her. (He had told me sex took place 1-2 times a year because he was not physically attracted to her and she would hold out on him as a punishment).

 

He tells me that he wasn't going to let me "have one up on him" and that he "wanted to see the pain on my face when he told me" and for me to "feel the pain he felt" would make him satisfied that we were "even". after all this i felt that i owed it to him to try because i hurt him first (or so i thought) his words and tears were very abusive and he was great at making me feel guilty and ashamed.

 

2 months after that incident he tells me he still didn't feel i felt his pain and "cheated" on me again (which he later confessed was a lie) and that he only told me that because he wanted me to "suffer". He led me to believe for 4 months that he had had sex with her. i forgave him and things began to get better. we started talking about the future and what we needed to do in order to reach our goals. then, the family trip turned into a week-long vacation for just the 2 of them, which he was not honest about.

 

He lied repeatedly to me when i would ask about the kids , even upon is return he lied to my face continuing to tell me the kids went on the vacation with them. He finally broke down and told me the truth. it was just them 2 and they had sex twice on the vacation. He cried, begged and stated he regretted it. As the weeks have gone by he blames me for his actions and states that i am the reason he cheated, because i cheated 1st. Which is actually not true, because he admitted to me that when we first decided to be together and while i was ending my engagement, selling my house, looking for a new job and a new house to be closer to him--he had sex with her 3-4 times.

 

He continues to blame me for all this and states that everything is my fault. "we wouldn't be here if you hadn't down what you did". I have decided that this is over and would like direction from anyone on how to proceed. I have realized a lot about myself and i need to make this right, with me and my higher power. I am not interested in doing this maliciously or reaching out to the W in anyway. I simply want to move on.

 

Any and all feedback from whatever your position is will be appreciated. i thank you for reading and responding in advance.

Edited May 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add paragraphs and clarify title

[jellybean89]

Pretty easy. Tell him "I'm done" and mean it and walk away.

 

He doesn't love you. He definitely does not respect you at all. Find your dignity and self respect and stop thinking he is this God...he's nothing more than an a s s h o l e.

 

I also suggest counseling to help you find out why you have allowed this piece of crap to treat you this way.

[KissofGrace]

thx u jellybean. I have begun cousneling for this. It's interesting that you say "God" because a part of me always felt he wants people to idolized and admire him. He si very "entitled" and always right! No one can tell him no. I see the manipulation so clearly. Love is and in my case most definitely was blind, sadly. Thx again.

[stillafool]

Pretty easy. Tell him "I'm done" and mean it and walk away.

 

He doesn't love you. He definitely does not respect you at all. Find your dignity and self respect and stop thinking he is this God...he's nothing more than an a s s h o l e.

 

I also suggest counseling to help you find out why you have allowed this piece of crap to treat you this way.

 

I completely agree with the above. It's easy to end it just do it and go complete NC. he definitely doesn't sound like he loves you.

[KissofGrace]

Thx u for your reply Stillafool. i really did love him and i'm having a hard time believing he doesn't love me ... guess that revelation will come with time.

[RoseVille]

I completely agree with the above. It's easy to end it just do it and go complete NC. he definitely doesn't sound like he loves you.

 

It's a lot easier said than done, I assure you.

 

But in this case, it must be urged.

[KissofGrace]

thank you Roseville. i had read some of your previous comments on other messages and your words stood out to me. I'm new here, first day. can member contact each other privately? i don't know all the ins & outs of the forums yet.

[RoseVille]

thank you Roseville. i had read some of your previous comments on other messages and your words stood out to me. I'm new here, first day. can member contact each other privately? i don't know all the ins & outs of the forums yet.

 

Not unless you/we subscribe, otherwise you'll have to wait a while to be granted PM privileges.

[KissofGrace]

ok, thank you!

[whichwayisup]

thx u jellybean. I have begun cousneling for this. It's interesting that you say "God" because a part of me always felt he wants people to idolized and admire him. He si very "entitled" and always right! No one can tell him no. I see the manipulation so clearly. Love is and in my case most definitely was blind, sadly. Thx again.

 

Because you see the manipulation he's capable of and possibly he is a narcissist, being aware of this will help you in the long run, just don't let him know that you know this about him.

 

Do all that you can to block him and make it impossible for him to contact you.

 

If you feel you can't handle a face to face talk, then do it by phone or email.

[KissofGrace]

Because you see the manipulation he's capable of and possibly he is a narcissist, being aware of this will help you in the long run, just don't let him know that you know this about him.

 

Do all that you can to block him and make it impossible for him to contact you.

 

If you feel you can't handle a face to face talk, then do it by phone or email.

 

Thank u whichwayisup. I appreciate your words. He knows where i live and work. He also has a key to my place which can be fixed by changing the locks, and it will next friday. He also has all my family and friends contact information. I'm afraid that if I ended abruptly that he may seek retaliation against me and contact my family and friends and let them know that we were having an affair.

[Babs22]

Thank u whichwayisup. I appreciate your words. He knows where i live and work. He also has a key to my place which can be fixed by changing the locks, and it will next friday. He also has all my family and friends contact information. I'm afraid that if I ended abruptly that he may seek retaliation against me and contact my family and friends and let them know that we were having an affair.

 

KissofGrace. This relationship is obviously VERY unhealthy and it looks like you have realized that. It is so sad because you gave up so much. You were engaged and could have possibly had a happy and normal relationship. I agree that you just need to go NC. I guess, you could possibly fess up to your family and friends before he gets to them. I know that you did not want to fill the W in, but if he does go that route, I would definitely tell her. She deserves to know what type of a person he is. You want to end this is a dignified way and not hurt people, that is admirable, but, if he is willing to destroy your reputation with your friends and family, he really never cared about you. Not sure you should give him more courtesy than he would show you.

 

Be strong. Have you thought of moving back to where you used to live? I would not want to live any closer to this guy than you do. The way you describe him is a bit scary. Please do change your locks and if he does track you down at your work or someplace else, don't be afraid to call the police if he escalates. Good luck.

[sandylee1]

Thank u whichwayisup. I appreciate your words. He knows where i live and work. He also has a key to my place which can be fixed by changing the locks, and it will next friday. He also has all my family and friends contact information. I'm afraid that if I ended abruptly that he may seek retaliation against me and contact my family and friends and let them know that we were having an affair.

 

You could simply say to him, the relationship is over, as it's causing you too much stress and anxiety. That you're feeling ill because of it and that you are ending it. If you don't want to piss him off (because he sounds dangerous to me) , add that have some good memories, but for your own sanity it ends now. He shouldn't contact you and could he return your keys. Then block him on all email /phone /social media accounts.

 

In case he's the obsessive stalker type, don't date for a while as it could enrage him. Just get out with your girlfriends for a while to take your mind off him.

 

I suspect he won't take it well in writing, so consider doing in a public place. Then leave when you've said your piece.

 

I don't know if anyone knows of your affair, if anyone does, you could get them to come with you. Not sit at the same table or to be very close, but close enough to see if it's getting too tense and they come over get you.

 

On him telling your family, maybe you'd better do it first. Explain how it happened, but that your done with him. That way he'll have nothing to threaten you with.

 

As an aside - he married just because she was pregnant, but went on to have more kids?

 

I really doubt he's been truthful about the state of his marriage. If she couldn't wait for it to be over, why the vacation for them both?

Does this sound logical to you? A family vacation? Yes, but not just the two of them. I wouldn't put it past him, to have another phone with a number that he tells you is hers and saves it as her name or 'the wife' and those messages from 'her' are fake.

 

I say this because I know it's been done before in an affair situation. The husband had another phone and would text lots of horrible messages to his other phone, from 'his wife ', painting her to be an unstable, mean and abusive woman . He showed his OW the messages and she believed it. He went as far as sending a message saying 'if you leave me I'll kill myself'. That kept the OW in the affair and made her stop asking him to leave the wife.

[Poppy47]

He's a jerk and dangerous to your health and well being.

 

Move as far away as possible and don't tell him anything.

 

Why on earth do you think he needs the farewell conversation. Do no engage in conversation with him.

 

He's no charmer.

 

Poppy.

[wishful-thinking]

Thx u for your reply Stillafool. i really did love him and i'm having a hard time believing he doesn't love me ... guess that revelation will come with time.

 

HI KissofGrace- I feel like you are similar to me... at least in your attitude towards your MM and what you are going through. I also think my MM (now ex) had narcissistic traits but I preffered to deny it most of the time. I also liked to think and believe that deep down he really cared about me and loved me. Maybe he did, and I am sure he did for a while, but only as it was a great supply for him and feeding his fragile ego and meeting his own needs. So I cling on to the idea that he truly cares, we were in on and off relationship. The last time I jumped back to the affair I had my lesson learned. He treated me like a doormat, like a whore. He came to my place, it took him 20min to do what he wanted to do and then he left without saying much and without calling me or writing like before he did in the past. This was horrible experience but it truly taught me a lesson. Please KissofGrace, don't wait for him to prove you that you don't really matter to him. Leave before he destroys you completely and leave you as a wreck and shade of who you used to be. Have some dignity and self respect and move on. Just tell him that it doesn't work for you anymore, that you need to take care of yourself emotionally and move on with your life. And then truly stick to it.

 

Goodluck xx

Edited May 17, 2015 by wishful-thinking

[GirlStillStrong]

I'm no psychiatrist but this guy sounds more like a sociopath than a narcissist to me. I don't understand why you are still speaking with him but if you must talk to him, my suggestion is to make it ENTIRELY about you because he sounds frickin' dangerous. You cannot predict how a guy like that is going to react. Like someone else said above, he's got a fragile ego. If it were me, I'd put on the best acting job I could and pretend I am emotionally a basket case, cry as much as possible, and say nothing about what he has done wrong. I'd even go so far as tell him, crying of course, that I need to be with my mother because I just hurt so badly and am so confused with my life. This way, he does not feel rejected and he can think I'm just a nut job and how can you be angry at or control a nut job? This guy has done nothing but manipulate and control you and I think it is time you got smart and regain control of yourself and your life. When dealing with a sociopath, it's best to walk softly but deal with him the way he deals with the rest of the world: Forget truth, honesty, and openness; you must act to ensure your own self-preservation, to protect whatever self you have left. You've been acting with the opposite intent and I fear it started when you moved to be closer to him. I sincerely hope you have learned an important lesson here; NEVER, never EVER move house to be with a man; I don't care if he's frickin' Brad Pitt.

[jellybean89]

I highly doubt he will tell your family, cause I bet his wife has no idea of his cheating.

 

You are making this harder than it has to be. But I wonder if you are hoping he will fight for you? I hope you are smarter than that

[KissofGrace]

KissofGrace. This relationship is obviously VERY unhealthy and it looks like you have realized that. It is so sad because you gave up so much. You were engaged and could have possibly had a happy and normal relationship. I agree that you just need to go NC. I guess, you could possibly fess up to your family and friends before he gets to them. I know that you did not want to fill the W in, but if he does go that route, I would definitely tell her. She deserves to know what type of a person he is. You want to end this is a dignified way and not hurt people, that is admirable, but, if he is willing to destroy your reputation with your friends and family, he really never cared about you. Not sure you should give him more courtesy than he would show you.

 

Be strong. Have you thought of moving back to where you used to live? I would not want to live any closer to this guy than you do. The way you describe him is a bit scary. Please do change your locks and if he does track you down at your work or someplace else, don't be afraid to call the police if he escalates. Good luck.

Babs 22, i appreciate al your words. His wife does know, kind of. He 'fessed up to her but didn't tell her the depth of the A. she thinks i am someone else, so when she asks him are you still talking to "so and so", he says no which is the truth but i am not her and he is not telling her the truth. i recently told him this and he said he never saw it that way...really? the last convo we had face to face about a month ago really gave me more insight and courage to move on. I still stand by not wanting to hurt her with the real details of the A. She does deserve to know, however that SHOULD come from him. If she asked to speak with me, i might speak to her, as long as it is only to inform and not add salt to her wound i a cruel way. Am i wrong to think that? Still not sure on that. I do have her number and i know where she works (not stalker status, just info he's said and I've remember). I do not want to move back to where i came from, but definitely planning on moving from here. It's just healthier and better all around. THANK YOU AGAIN, every post has gave me insight & strength.

[Grapesofwrath]

Whether he is a diagnosable narcissist or sociopath is ultimately not important. what's important is that he is deceitful, highly manipulative, toxic and someone to be avoided. I would tell him it's over, via whatever electronic means you have, then block those channels and take care of yourself.

 

I'm not concerned he will 'out' you to your family. He has more to lose in that scenario than you do. He will come across as unstable and vindictive, which is not what he wants because he probably care a lot about how people perceive him. Just amputate, and run.

 

Honestly, you can't do worse than this guy. Being alone will be so much better. Peaceful. Freedom from the anxiety that he causes you. Stay in counseling and sort out your feelings, and stay away from him.

[KissofGrace]

You could simply say to him, the relationship is over, as it's causing you too much stress and anxiety. That you're feeling ill because of it and that you are ending it. If you don't want to piss him off (because he sounds dangerous to me) , add that have some good memories, but for your own sanity it ends now. He shouldn't contact you and could he return your keys. Then block him on all email /phone /social media accounts.

 

In case he's the obsessive stalker type, don't date for a while as it could enrage him. Just get out with your girlfriends for a while to take your mind off him.

 

I suspect he won't take it well in writing, so consider doing in a public place. Then leave when you've said your piece.

 

I don't know if anyone knows of your affair, if anyone does, you could get them to come with you. Not sit at the same table or to be very close, but close enough to see if it's getting too tense and they come over get you.

 

On him telling your family, maybe you'd better do it first. Explain how it happened, but that your done with him. That way he'll have nothing to threaten you with.

 

As an aside - he married just because she was pregnant, but went on to have more kids?

 

I really doubt he's been truthful about the state of his marriage. If she couldn't wait for it to be over, why the vacation for them both?

Does this sound logical to you? A family vacation? Yes, but not just the two of them. I wouldn't put it past him, to have another phone with a number that he tells you is hers and saves it as her name or 'the wife' and those messages from 'her' are fake.

 

I say this because I know it's been done before in an affair situation. The husband had another phone and would text lots of horrible messages to his other phone, from 'his wife ', painting her to be an unstable, mean and abusive woman . He showed his OW the messages and she believed it. He went as far as sending a message saying 'if you leave me I'll kill myself'. That kept the OW in the affair and made her stop asking him to leave the wife.

Sandydee1, you are so right on a few things. this is causing me too much stress and anxiety as well as some other physical ailments. that is the approach i plan to take....as well as adding some 'good memories' and no hard feelings type of content. I'm feeling an email would be best and then cut off all contact. he has shown some traits of stalking at 4 times that i know of, because he told me. i'm sure there are others. So, a public place i may consider. I feel that if i go NC immediately he will show up at my house or work and become more stalker-ish so i want to place nice for my protection.I have thought about telling my family too, we shall see how that plays out. yes, he married because she was pregnant and after that child had one more. i know she wanted more and he said no. not sure if that was planned or unplanned, never asked. i agree with you on the vacation thing. He said it was supposed to be the fan, but at "last minute" it turned out to be the 2 of them. This i didn't and still don't believe. i never thought about the other phone thing--possible. but i am no longer interested in figuring his lies out. i just want to move on and i needed some direction, support and advice---thank you so much. everyone has been kind with their replays tho i am aware i am to blame too. I accept responsibility for my actions and the role i played in the A.

[KissofGrace]

He's a jerk and dangerous to your health and well being.

 

Move as far away as possible and don't tell him anything.

 

Why on earth do you think he needs the farewell conversation. Do no engage in conversation with him.

 

He's no charmer.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy, you are right, jerk and dangerous to my health. i feel the "farewell convo" can serve as a "it's not u it's me thing" for my safety, i.e.. reputation, harassment, etc. he has never been physical with me, not that he can't--i'm quite sure anyone who is upset and furious has the propensity to be. i am considering a well thought out written email and then NC by any means, except that he knows where i live and work. i do appreciate your comments. they do help me think things out better.

[KissofGrace]

HI KissofGrace- I feel like you are similar to me... at least in your attitude towards your MM and what you are going through. I also think my MM (now ex) had narcissistic traits but I preffered to deny it most of the time. I also liked to think and believe that deep down he really cared about me and loved me. Maybe he did, and I am sure he did for a while, but only as it was a great supply for him and feeding his fragile ego and meeting his own needs. So I cling on to the idea that he truly cares, we were in on and off relationship. The last time I jumped back to the affair I had my lesson learned. He treated me like a doormat, like a whore. He came to my place, it took him 20min to do what he wanted to do and then he left without saying much and without calling me or writing like before he did in the past. This was horrible experience but it truly taught me a lesson. Please KissofGrace, don't wait for him to prove you that you don't really matter to him. Leave before he destroys you completely and leave you as a wreck and shade of who you used to be. Have some dignity and self respect and move on. Just tell him that it doesn't work for you anymore, that you need to take care of yourself emotionally and move on with your life. And then truly stick to it.

 

Goodluck xx

Hi wishful thinking--THANK YOU for your reply. you are correct about feeding his ego--he has straight asked me questions that i feel my responses inflated his ego. looking back now i see so much i didn't want to allow myself to see. it makes me really sad that i was so blind, by choice, because ultimately i chose to ignore the signs. your situation sounds unfortunate and painful I'm sorry u had to experience that. no one ever should. we are our worst critics and sometimes are harder on ourselves than we need to be. In my case it is. I have no intention of being intimate with him again. for me, it's over i just need to end it in a safe way as possible. no yelling, no blaming, just calmly--walking away. i am working on my self-respect and dignity. it will continue to be a process even after he is out of my life. i will definitely take all your words into consideration as well as the other posts here as they have brought me great comfort, even the painful ones. thx again.

[KissofGrace]

I'm no psychiatrist but this guy sounds more like a sociopath than a narcissist to me. I don't understand why you are still speaking with him but if you must talk to him, my suggestion is to make it ENTIRELY about you because he sounds frickin' dangerous. You cannot predict how a guy like that is going to react. Like someone else said above, he's got a fragile ego. If it were me, I'd put on the best acting job I could and pretend I am emotionally a basket case, cry as much as possible, and say nothing about what he has done wrong. I'd even go so far as tell him, crying of course, that I need to be with my mother because I just hurt so badly and am so confused with my life. This way, he does not feel rejected and he can think I'm just a nut job and how can you be angry at or control a nut job? This guy has done nothing but manipulate and control you and I think it is time you got smart and regain control of yourself and your life. When dealing with a sociopath, it's best to walk softly but deal with him the way he deals with the rest of the world: Forget truth, honesty, and openness; you must act to ensure your own self-preservation, to protect whatever self you have left. You've been acting with the opposite intent and I fear it started when you moved to be closer to him. I sincerely hope you have learned an important lesson here; NEVER, never EVER move house to be with a man; I don't care if he's frickin' Brad Pitt.

Hi Girlstillstrong__THANK YOU for your message, i agree with u completely! i have read up on sociopath vs. narcissist too. At this point his mental health is not my priority tho, mine is! i have been trying to make the convo about me and guess what? he magically finds a way to turn it back around on him and his pain. it's crazy...i see the patterns of manipulation so clearly now, of course. the plan is to leave/end this in an "acting" mode not blaming him but rather taking the i am physically ill route. with the addition of a spiritual/religious component, that is actually true. we are both Christians, not very good ones actually, and this is clearly a violation of His laws. we have tried to have these discussion in the past but al always we fall short to the sexual sin. it' just isn't right. it never was and somehow in our little minds we convinced each other that is was because of our history. YES, YES, YES, i have learned and will continue to learn this painful, yet self-inflicted lesson that has and continues to teach me everyday. oh' and luckily, i'm not a brad pitt fan. but i understand what you mean. thanks again, much appreciated.

[KissofGrace]

I highly doubt he will tell your family, cause I bet his wife has no idea of his cheating.

 

You are making this harder than it has to be. But I wonder if you are hoping he will fight for you? I hope you are smarter than that

 

Hi Jellybean, His W does know, he confessed that he had been unfaithful but i believe, and i wouldn't put it past him, he made it out to be a one time thing rather than a 3+ year full blown out A. He is quite the manipulator in so far as saying just enough to get what he wants without telling the whole truth. I've caught on to this recently, it's quite sad really. I am not hoping he will fight for me. Honestly 8/9 months ago i did hope that, but not now. i can honestly say i do not want that. the veil has been lifted and i clearly see what the dynamics of this A were and how it was doomed from the beginning......of course back then i didn't see squat! thank you for your message.

[KissofGrace]

Whether he is a diagnosable narcissist or sociopath is ultimately not important. what's important is that he is deceitful, highly manipulative, toxic and someone to be avoided. I would tell him it's over, via whatever electronic means you have, then block those channels and take care of yourself.

 

I'm not concerned he will 'out' you to your family. He has more to lose in that scenario than you do. He will come across as unstable and vindictive, which is not what he wants because he probably care a lot about how people perceive him. Just amputate, and run.

 

Honestly, you can't do worse than this guy. Being alone will be so much better. Peaceful. Freedom from the anxiety that he causes you. Stay in counseling and sort out your feelings, and stay away from him.

Hi grapesofwrath and thank you for your message. you are right his diagnosis is irrelevant to my well-being because i chose to no longer engage or participate in this destructive and debilitating relationship/A. i agree with you about him having more to lose, he is very concerned with his reputation and how others see him, he is also a successful business owner (several businesses) and stands to lose a lot more than i do as far as homes, family, kids and 50% of all his assests. i actually have felt more peace and that my anxiety is slowly decreasing. still there tho--that's for sure. prayer & meditation helps me. i pray for him too as well as his family. i do wish him well, just not with me. thank you again for your insightful words.