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Giving up the 'dream'...


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Bluebell26

I've been following everyone's stories for a while and have finally found the courage to post. I was the OW for a few years.... The A finally fell apart when the XMM played the 'can't walk away' card ( after counseling and many promises). Unlike many others here, I am divorced. I have no husband to fall back on (hate to put it that way...), but it is a struggle. Trying to move on. - no men compare (I know, lose the idealistic view of him!). We work together. I see him every day. I am doing my best with NC, but we've been friends for years. Trying to change habits is a fight. It took amazing strength to block him online. I am taking one day at a time, one hour at a time (it seems like at times!). Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. This forum has provided a lot of support. Thank you.

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I guess my main concern is the fact that you work together. How much contact do you have with him? If it's a lot, are you financially able to find another job elsewhere or at least ask for a transfer? How long has NC been going on?

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I've been following everyone's stories for a while and have finally found the courage to post. I was the OW for a few years.... The A finally fell apart when the XMM played the 'can't walk away' card ( after counseling and many promises). Unlike many others here, I am divorced. I have no husband to fall back on (hate to put it that way...), but it is a struggle. Trying to move on. - no men compare (I know, lose the idealistic view of him!). We work together. I see him every day. I am doing my best with NC, but we've been friends for years. Trying to change habits is a fight. It took amazing strength to block him online. I am taking one day at a time, one hour at a time (it seems like at times!). Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. This forum has provided a lot of support. Thank you.

 

Bluebell,

 

Work can be a real challenge.... if your job is easy to move (if you're in demand) consider it. Could be a step up career wise as well as social.

 

However, good for you on the no contact, it will take that.

 

Yes, one day at a time.... stay active and busy and don't dwell on the past. You will find someone that compares and time will heal.

 

Keep us posted.

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Eagle's-bargain
I've been following everyone's stories for a while and have finally found the courage to post.

It took me close to a year to post.

Glad you made it, I appreciate your courage under pressure of fear. God knows I still have it at times.

 

This forum is great, but a lot like moving to a foreign country that never allows you to assimilate; therefore do what you need to do, and get the hell out.

 

 

 

You will find someone that compares and time will heal.

 

This is more important than saying - IN MY OWN OPINION OF COURSE - crazy things things like, "You're a beautiful person and deserve better." and all that jargon.

 

Being an OM/OW and KNOWING it makes you liable.

No other way around it.

 

This stuff takes time and effort...

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I feel your pain. My A was much shorter, but I also work with him and have to interact with him fairly frequently.

 

I think the first step you have to take is to lose the "no man to fall back on" way of thinking. It comes across as though you're basing your happiness on a man's presence (or lack thereof) in your life.

 

I went into the A without a man, and a pretty damn happy person, who was simply missing passion/connection in her life (just like MM), and while I miss him and it's hard seeing him and not wanting to pounce on him and distance myself, I've been able to go right back to who I was... a pretty happy girl, who's just missing passion/connection in her life.

 

Here's to hoping we find the missing piece, but I'd say the entire picture of the puzzle is already there. :)

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Grapesofwrath

I'm with you, Bluebell. It's easier to walk away when you are also walking toward something else. Either way, it has to be done. Once you know there is no future in it--and some of us knew that from day one--then it doesn't take long before it becomes untenable.

 

If you have the goal of being in a loving relationship that is completely integrated into your life, then you have to walk away. Sooner the better. This entanglement is not moving you closer to your goal, and is arguably preventing you from achieving it.

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Bluebell26
I guess my main concern is the fact that you work together. How much contact do you have with him? If it's a lot, are you financially able to find another job elsewhere or at least ask for a transfer? How long has NC been going on?

 

We are in the same dept.... I can't leave as I have been with the company for over 20 yrs. All I can do is avoid and ignore him.

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Bluebell26
I feel your pain. My A was much shorter, but I also work with him and have to interact with him fairly frequently.

 

I think the first step you have to take is to lose the "no man to fall back on" way of thinking. It comes across as though you're basing your happiness on a man's presence (or lack thereof) in your life.

 

You are right. I needed to hear that. :)

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Bluebell26

The A has been falling apart for months since I started pushing for resolution. I have been trying and trying to distance myself, to see it for what it is. But he kept me hanging on with his promises.... I think I knew all along that he would never have the guts to leave. So I have been doing NC on and off, but the past couple of weeks, it's less and less contact. Minimal to keep up appearances at work... And it will be less next week. I have a good friend in the office who 'knows' and supports me.

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The A has been falling apart for months since I started pushing for resolution. I have been trying and trying to distance myself, to see it for what it is. But he kept me hanging on with his promises.... I think I knew all along that he would never have the guts to leave. So I have been doing NC on and off, but the past couple of weeks, it's less and less contact. Minimal to keep up appearances at work... And it will be less next week. I have a good friend in the office who 'knows' and supports me.

 

What do you mean by resolution? That he'd leave?

 

I've come to believe that even if an MM leaves, that's just the beginning... resolution would be a long, long way off.

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And I think my posting today on this forum was a massive step for me!:)

 

 

And good for you. I hope you will be able to find support that you need.... there's a lot of good folks here, and you'll get a lot of opinions. Most will have some merit, but chose what works for you.

 

As you know there's a lot of basic concepts, like NC, keep busy, take up a new hobby, make some changes and hang with your friends, especially your supportive ones.

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GirlStillStrong
The A has been falling apart for months since I started pushing for resolution. I have been trying and trying to distance myself, to see it for what it is. But he kept me hanging on with his promises.... I think I knew all along that he would never have the guts to leave. So I have been doing NC on and off, but the past couple of weeks, it's less and less contact. Minimal to keep up appearances at work... And it will be less next week. I have a good friend in the office who 'knows' and supports me.

 

As soon as I started trying to end it, he started giving me money for things I was doing and stuff I was buying.

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Grapesofwrath
As soon as I started trying to end it, he started giving me money for things I was doing and stuff I was buying.

 

What did you make of that, GSS? How did it feel?

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Bluebell26
What do you mean by resolution? That he'd leave?

 

I've come to believe that even if an MM leaves, that's just the beginning... resolution would be a long, long way off.

 

Resolution one way or the other. Either he would leave and we could work on our future or it would end so I could move on with my life. I admit I never had the strength to walk away as long as there was a chance (however slight) he might leave....

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Grapesofwrath
And good for you. I hope you will be able to find support that you need.... there's a lot of good folks here, and you'll get a lot of opinions. Most will have some merit, but chose what works for you.

 

As you know there's a lot of basic concepts, like NC, keep busy, take up a new hobby, make some changes and hang with your friends, especially your supportive ones.

 

I'll add one that works for me: Journal. Write it down. When you feel your resolve is weakening, go back and read it again. When i'm wavering, I go back and piss myself off all over again, then I feel strong.

 

Opinions are like belly buttons...everybody has one. I agree that you choose what works for you, and which ones are offered in a spirit of support and assistance, as opposed to an intention to rattle your cage. Some of the opinions on here might feel initially rough, but have some merit, too. They offer a new perspective, which is often needed.

 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Get through each hour/day/night one breath at a time. It will get better.

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Bluebell,

 

Well done for being brave enough to post, but also to be brave enough to call an end to the affair that was getting you nowhere. The less contact you have, the less pain you will set yourself up for. It must be very difficult working in the same environment.

 

I will second Grapesofwrath, journalling is a great way to keep a record of your ups and downs and is great to look back on.

 

I wish you all the best

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Bluebell, I can relate so much to your situation, I posted mine way back last year and I too still work with cm. The being lifelong friends is the hardest as he wants to keep this going, I could have had he not crossed the line and offered me a fantasy future he was never willing to make a reality.

Distance distance distance, the more distance I place between him and I the easier it becomes to move on without him. I suspect your MM will try to slowly edge his way back in to your life, keep your boundaries strong, keep yourself guarded from him.

I am also single and have no 'romantic interest' at the moment but I am busy living my life, doing the things I enjoy, writing my own story, if I find someone who wants to be and is worthy of a part in that story then it's a bonus, if not then damn I'm going to make sure it's a good one anyway.

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Bluebell,

 

Well done for being brave enough to post, but also to be brave enough to call an end to the affair that was getting you nowhere. The less contact you have, the less pain you will set yourself up for. It must be very difficult working in the same environment.

 

I will second Grapesofwrath, journalling is a great way to keep a record of your ups and downs and is great to look back on.

 

I wish you all the best

 

I'm a journaler as well, it helps in so many ways, I look back and see how far I've come or read back and see the same lies and future faking by CM for years..it reminds me that I always have a choice to either repeat history or change the path.

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Bluebell26
Bluebell, I can relate so much to your situation, I posted mine way back last year and I too still work with cm. The being lifelong friends is the hardest as he wants to keep this going, I could have had he not crossed the line and offered me a fantasy future he was never willing to make a reality.

Distance distance distance, the more distance I place between him and I the easier it becomes to move on without him. I suspect your MM will try to slowly edge his way back in to your life, keep your boundaries strong, keep yourself guarded from him.

I am also single and have no 'romantic interest' at the moment but I am busy living my life, doing the things I enjoy, writing my own story, if I find someone who wants to be and is worthy of a part in that story then it's a bonus, if not then damn I'm going to make sure it's a good one anyway.

 

So true. He kept me hanging on. No more....

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We are in the same dept.... I can't leave as I have been with the company for over 20 yrs. All I can do is avoid and ignore him.

 

The best advice I can give you in this case is to try and not analyze every single thing he does or says. You're going to, and that's to be expected, but really do your best to not let it get to an obsessive point. It's very difficult to keep working in close proximity with an xAP. I'm not gonna lie, if I could financially finagle it, I would've quit ages ago. I suggest individual counseling to help you deal with the day to day stress of it. It can be done, but it's a lot of work and emotionally draining at times. Good luck.

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