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why the heck am i still here?


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Latest update here

 

 

Quick recap - EA with MM coworker. He wanted to end EA, and I insisted on NC. We NC'ed for a month, and then I stupidly broke it by reaching out to him and met up with him once. He was very loving and excited to see me, and said we would continue to meet up and he would contact me. This Monday, I reached out and he completely blew me off and I even asked him why he was acting like this. No contact since, so I'm trying to stick to NC. I can't go back now anyway, I would look so desperate.

 

Even though I have good reasons why he may be ignoring me now (and some members also provided some possible good explanations) - emotionally, its still hard to accept. Its hard when I don't hear it from his mouth, even though I don't trust what he would say anyway if he were to tell me. I'm just pissed and hurt that for a few days, I thought I could stop feeling the daily anxiety and hurt and loneliness. I thought it was back... or at least partly back. He's never acted this way towards me before, and I miss him. It's not hard to maintain NC because I know I would look foolish and desperate to reach out at this stage but I really thought he would be excited to see me, instead he 180'ed.

 

Anyway, just venting here so I don't do something stupid. I should have stuck to NC. But I also wish things were back the way they were.

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I always knew so much about his life and schedule when we were together. Now I'm always wondering what he's doing, what he's thinking etc. I still really miss him but the desire to contact him has pretty much gone.

 

It feels worse the second time around because I could feel what it was like to be back and then have that relief again. But he took it away just as fast... that sucks

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SleekArchitecture

Rainbow I have been reading your posts and I wish I could lend you some strength and power. My NC has been relatively easy but I can advise sometimes pairings are not meant to be. I have seen some unusual ones, that were a dysfunctional trip and odd odd birds that lasted for strange reasons.

 

Start (it will be difficult) to know internally you can do much better that a man who avoids conflict. The 'one' will not do this to you.

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Thanks, sleek.

 

Many have told me that each day isn't a linear process in terms of emotions and I can definitely attest to that today. I feel much worse today than yday, just an overall sadness and loneliness. Ironic how I still want him to make things better, make me feel better. I'm still struggling with doing that on my own.

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I always knew so much about his life and schedule when we were together. Now I'm always wondering what he's doing, what he's thinking etc. I still really miss him but the desire to contact him has pretty much gone.

 

It feels worse the second time around because I could feel what it was like to be back and then have that relief again. But he took it away just as fast... that sucks

 

Hey Rainbow!!! Please know that he DIDN'T TOOK anything away from you! ANything... He can only take away from you if you gave him your power, and you think you did but you can still turn it around.

You contacted him because you missed him- that is normal, people feel weak and even though you suggested NC you are just a human being with emotions and feeling. You spent so much time together before and it is normal to slip back on NC and get in touch because you cared. The only reason you got hurt here is because you had expectations that things will go back to as they were but soon you learnt it was not the case. It is obvious you are hurt and disappointed and you even feel ashamed of yourself, but it is okk. He was happy to see you, he told you he will see you again but then soon after he blew you off with coldness. It is ok to feel confused in this situations and please don't blame yourself. He sent you mixed signals and you should even get angry for him about that, whereas you feel so powerless and victimised. You learned your lesson that he doesn't want the affair back and you need to accept it. Friendship with him won't work as you have feelings for him so the power in this relationship simply wouldn't be balanced, it will only be so unhealthy and hurtful for you. Your only choice is to accept that it is the end and stick to NC. Please don't contact him back, even if he gets in touch. This is where you can take your power back- stick to NC whatever happens and respect yourself xx Respect your feelings and don't let others play with them. xx

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Hey Rainbow!!! Please know that he DIDN'T TOOK anything away from you! ANything... He can only take away from you if you gave him your power, and you think you did but you can still turn it around.

You contacted him because you missed him- that is normal, people feel weak and even though you suggested NC you are just a human being with emotions and feeling. You spent so much time together before and it is normal to slip back on NC and get in touch because you cared. The only reason you got hurt here is because you had expectations that things will go back to as they were but soon you learnt it was not the case. It is obvious you are hurt and disappointed and you even feel ashamed of yourself, but it is okk. He was happy to see you, he told you he will see you again but then soon after he blew you off with coldness. It is ok to feel confused in this situations and please don't blame yourself. He sent you mixed signals and you should even get angry for him about that, whereas you feel so powerless and victimised. You learned your lesson that he doesn't want the affair back and you need to accept it. Friendship with him won't work as you have feelings for him so the power in this relationship simply wouldn't be balanced, it will only be so unhealthy and hurtful for you. Your only choice is to accept that it is the end and stick to NC. Please don't contact him back, even if he gets in touch. This is where you can take your power back- stick to NC whatever happens and respect yourself xx Respect your feelings and don't let others play with them. xx

 

Thanks anabel. I'm not so mad at myself anymore for breaking NC... well, not at the moment anyway. my emotions have been all over the place recently.

 

I just so wish we didnt meet up last week. And if we had, that he wouldn't have given me so much hope that our relationship would start up again. This hot and cold from him I never would have expected. Obviously, he has flaws, and I knew what they were and how to expect them... but wasn't expecting this.

 

It's pathetic, but every day around the times he used to contact him to meet up, I still glance at my phone and think maybe today he will... maybe he will snap out of it today. Obviously that hasn't happened, and its probably better this way as I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to resist if he does reach out. But a part of me is still waiting and hoping. A small part, but that part is still there. I get "excited" knowing that eventually, we will have to meet and talk to finish a project together - but then, I dread it at the same time. I'm excited and i miss him, and even crumbs of him make me feel a little less panicky. But then I dread it because he will just be cold and I'll be left feeling even worse. But that time hasn't come yet, so I won't worry myself too much about that.

 

I just wish that things were different, that I never got sucked into this to begin with. I hate how I hold onto the shreds of hope he'll change his mind and contact me. But for what? Not like I can trust him again (Ha - trusting an MM AP... funny). I can't block his number because my phone is my business phone as well. I miss him today.

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Decisiontomake

Hi Rainbow

 

It struck me aa I was reading this thread, and thinking of my own emotions (4 weeks NC. A of 3 years) that we are in "hopeful" NC. We are not contacting and neither or they, but we are hoping they will. It's the hope of them doing so that I see we need to manage to release. Better yet, the strength that even if they did, we would realize we don't want what they have to offer based in the treatment they have given us. It sucks. Yes. No doubt about it. But thought this might resonate with you.

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Gloria_Smellons

Rainbow,

 

Day four may be hard, but so were days one, two and three, and you got through them like a boss.

 

Keep going!

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Hi Rainbow

 

It struck me aa I was reading this thread, and thinking of my own emotions (4 weeks NC. A of 3 years) that we are in "hopeful" NC. We are not contacting and neither or they, but we are hoping they will. It's the hope of them doing so that I see we need to manage to release. Better yet, the strength that even if they did, we would realize we don't want what they have to offer based in the treatment they have given us. It sucks. Yes. No doubt about it. But thought this might resonate with you.

 

 

Oh yes, exactly this. I know I will not reach out to him, the temptation has faded. Although I would still love to text him and demand answers my pride of looking even more desperate than I already have is keeping me from actually following through. But I feel like I'm still jus hopefully waiting. I mean, just last week he was so excited to see me! He said he wanted to hang out! So maybe he'll feel that way again tomorrow? The next day? Maybe? Of course this hope fades with every passing day but that mini glimpse of hope and let down still hurts. Not as hard as last weeks letdown though. I felt like we were so close to being back to our normal but that came crashing down. It's even worse that I keep running into him at work. No words, but we see each other and then it hurts a little bit more again.

 

Decisiontomake, what is your story? How are you doing? The hopeful NC is the worst right now. That and thinking of our good times. It's still a habit that I miss, things we did every day at the same time. Everyone keeps saying that once you go NC they will come back looking for you. That simply gets hopes up, and I know my MM wouldn't do that, he's too prideful. And clearly now he doesn't care anymore anyway.

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Majormisstep

Rainbow, the excitement of meeting last week was only temporary. It wasn't really an attempt to start up again, on his end anyway. He likely got an ego boost from you and then off he went back to real life.

 

We can never re-live yesterday. The only direction we can move is forward, into tomorrow and strive to make it the very best we can - for ourselves.

 

I hope you continue to gain power through NC. I'm cheering for you.

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I was feeling pretty good today, not too low and didn't wake up feeling lonely or even thinking about him.

 

But we ran into each other at work and he greeted me with a huge grin and a hi. I was taken aback and barely managed to squeak out a reply. Is this just one big game? What the hell. I was open and asked for his attention earlier in the week Only to get completely ignored. Maybe he's reveling in his new power. Ugh.

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SleekArchitecture
I was feeling pretty good today, not too low and didn't wake up feeling lonely or even thinking about him.

 

But we ran into each other at work and he greeted me with a huge grin and a hi. I was taken aback and barely managed to squeak out a reply. Is this just one big game? What the hell. I was open and asked for his attention earlier in the week Only to get completely ignored. Maybe he's reveling in his new power. Ugh.

 

Your whole life hangs in the balance whether this man says hello to you or not. Do you not want to become better than this or are these tiny breadcrumbs enough? You should be upset that he has treated you like crap for days, ignoring you, and showed little common decency.

 

What do you expect from this relationship?

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Decisiontomake
Decisiontomake, what is your story? How are you doing? The hopeful NC is the worst right now. That and thinking of our good times. It's still a habit that I miss, things we did every day at the same time. Everyone keeps saying that once you go NC they will come back looking for you. That simply gets hopes up, and I know my MM wouldn't do that, he's too prideful. And clearly now he doesn't care anymore anyway.

 

 

Hi again Rainbow. My exAP is far too full of pride too - so I totally get what you say when people say "they'll come back" if you go NC and how that creates the cycle of hope. For me, I'm working on MY life, and trying so so hard, not to think about him. Emotions rage from missing him, to hating him, to feeling sorry for him, to feeling empowered - it's a total mind game with an internal script running 24/7. However way we chop it up, they made their choice (through duty, or love for W, or fear, or cowardice, it ultimately doesn't matter), and we ARE worth so much more than what they are prepared to give. It's not that we were not good enough for them, it's that they were not good enough period. My life will be better as I move forward, of this I am sure. His will remain discontented, and the impact I had on his far outweighed the impact he had on mine in terms of how I supported him through various things. I know he'll miss that. I miss the idea of what it could have been, and the potential I saw, not the reality of the snatched calls, second best blah blah. We will get there honey x

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georgia girl

Rainbow,

 

 

Gently, may I offer some advice? In my own experience (not as an OW but as a girlfriend), when a breakup occurs, its EXTREMELY difficult to be friends - particularly when one of the partners still wants the relationship. Every single contact becomes this mind game of trying to analyze the encounter, what he really meant, is it a good sign, a bad sign, a neutral sign? In the meantime, as harsh as it sounds, the breakup partner - the one who doesn't care as much - is moving on with his/her life. They don't get anxious over seeing you, they don't get excited, it's just a part of their day. When they do get antsy is if you reach out too often. Then, they have to deal with the fact that you haven't moved on and its uncomfortable for them. Add into this the affair dynamic and the fact that he is married, and your ex is likely walking a very fine line. The "keep her friendly but at a distance so this doesn't blow up at home or at my job" kind of line.

 

 

No one can tell you that you need to give up hope or that you need to move on. That's a decision you have to make for yourself. The only advice that others can share is that if you are willing to give up and move on, it's best to do no contact. Why? Because contact - even for minutes - leads to a continuation of the obsession. Whether you like it or not, no contact moves you forward. You HAVE to go and start enjoying things again. You can, I guess, sit and wallow. But without new information to digest, eventually even that gets old. So, you gradually - sometimes almost against your will - start living your life again.

 

 

If I can share one piece of advice it would be to commit to moving on. He knows how to get ahold of you if he wants to make a future with you. Let him go. Start focusing only on you and things you want to do. If he comes back, you're in a much better emotional state to demand what will make this relationship an equal, healthy and fulfilling partnership for you. But in the meantime, shut him as much as possible out of your headspace. Every time you start to think of him, get up and do something to distract yourself. Try new things, recapture old friends, reclaim your life.

 

 

Please trust me. While not an OW, I used to struggle in recovering from lost love. When I finally learned that it was about MY CHOICES and my decisions not to wallow, I healed so much faster.

 

 

I wish you the best. GG

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Well it's been a week since I broke NC and we met up. Since it's Friday I was holding on to a bit of hope that he would reach out today but the day is over and nothing. So at least my hopeful nc has pretty much gone away. I am a little sad because a part of me was holding out that maybe today he would reach out. Well I guess it's really over then...

 

Still hurts though. And I still miss him. Staying strong on NC and trying not to look for answers as to why he's acting like this because it doesn't matter.

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Hi again Rainbow. My exAP is far too full of pride too - so I totally get what you say when people say "they'll come back" if you go NC and how that creates the cycle of hope. For me, I'm working on MY life, and trying so so hard, not to think about him. Emotions rage from missing him, to hating him, to feeling sorry for him, to feeling empowered - it's a total mind game with an internal script running 24/7. However way we chop it up, they made their choice (through duty, or love for W, or fear, or cowardice, it ultimately doesn't matter), and we ARE worth so much more than what they are prepared to give. It's not that we were not good enough for them, it's that they were not good enough period. My life will be better as I move forward, of this I am sure. His will remain discontented, and the impact I had on his far outweighed the impact he had on mine in terms of how I supported him through various things. I know he'll miss that. I miss the idea of what it could have been, and the potential I saw, not the reality of the snatched calls, second best blah blah. We will get there honey x

 

 

Decisiontomake, I am exactly feeling that rollar coaster of emotions that you decsrube. Sometimes I feel so empowered and strong and sometimes I just really miss him and want answers, none of which I would be satisfied with anyway. I hope you're doing well today..

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Rainbow,

 

 

Gently, may I offer some advice? In my own experience (not as an OW but as a girlfriend), when a breakup occurs, its EXTREMELY difficult to be friends - particularly when one of the partners still wants the relationship. Every single contact becomes this mind game of trying to analyze the encounter, what he really meant, is it a good sign, a bad sign, a neutral sign? In the meantime, as harsh as it sounds, the breakup partner - the one who doesn't care as much - is moving on with his/her life. They don't get anxious over seeing you, they don't get excited, it's just a part of their day. When they do get antsy is if you reach out too often. Then, they have to deal with the fact that you haven't moved on and its uncomfortable for them. Add into this the affair dynamic and the fact that he is married, and your ex is likely walking a very fine line. The "keep her friendly but at a distance so this doesn't blow up at home or at my job" kind of line.

 

 

No one can tell you that you need to give up hope or that you need to move on. That's a decision you have to make for yourself. The only advice that others can share is that if you are willing to give up and move on, it's best to do no contact. Why? Because contact - even for minutes - leads to a continuation of the obsession. Whether you like it or not, no contact moves you forward. You HAVE to go and start enjoying things again. You can, I guess, sit and wallow. But without new information to digest, eventually even that gets old. So, you gradually - sometimes almost against your will - start living your life again.

 

 

If I can share one piece of advice it would be to commit to moving on. He knows how to get ahold of you if he wants to make a future with you. Let him go. Start focusing only on you and things you want to do. If he comes back, you're in a much better emotional state to demand what will make this relationship an equal, healthy and fulfilling partnership for you. But in the meantime, shut him as much as possible out of your headspace. Every time you start to think of him, get up and do something to distract yourself. Try new things, recapture old friends, reclaim your life.

 

 

Please trust me. While not an OW, I used to struggle in recovering from lost love. When I finally learned that it was about MY CHOICES and my decisions not to wallow, I healed so much faster.

 

 

I wish you the best. GG

 

Thank you so much for the thoughtful advice and taking the time to write that all out for me. I agree with everything you said, and I don't want to be friends. I selfishly wanted to break NC becausw I thought I could hook him back into the EA. That obviously didn't work and is probably for the best. I agree especially when you say that I'm hanging on to and analyzing every word and interaction whereas he doesn't give it a second thought. He's over it. I've been on that side of things and I know exactly how that feels, and how pestering it is when the other wont let go. But I just wish things were different.

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Well it's been a week since I broke NC and we met up. Since it's Friday I was holding on to a bit of hope that he would reach out today but the day is over and nothing. So at least my hopeful nc has pretty much gone away. I am a little sad because a part of me was holding out that maybe today he would reach out. Well I guess it's really over then...

 

Still hurts though. And I still miss him. Staying strong on NC and trying not to look for answers as to why he's acting like this because it doesn't matter.

 

Hi, rainbow!

 

Yes, tough Friday, for me too, 9 days of NC. I havent posted my story yet (almost 9 yrs emr, ughh), but feeling very similar as you. Lets be strong.

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Hi, rainbow!

 

Yes, tough Friday, for me too, 9 days of NC. I havent posted my story yet (almost 9 yrs emr, ughh), but feeling very similar as you. Lets be strong.

 

Hi Alebo - wow, 9 years?? I'd be interested to hear your story...

 

It's the weekend now and we never spoke on weekends anyway, so I feel a little relieved because I don't have the hope that he will reach out. Not that he would anyway, he has made his actions perfectly clear that he is not interested. I'm still mad and frustrated and confused as to why he was so hot and cold - he was never this cold with me, ever. A small part of me still wishes I still had him; I do miss him, but I miss how he made me feel. The excitement of seeing him almost everyday, the thrill of texting at all hours. Really childish and silly stuff really, but it took up my attention and filled my time. I miss the rush, and I miss his "caring" for me. Not sure if it was ever there, though.

 

I know I deserve this hurt, but I am trying hard to move forward. Whenever a thought about him creeps into my mind - especially when I'm doing something we used to do together, I try to replace it with another thought. I have a few go-to's... like picturing him on a long, empty road and me driving further and further away. Every day NC is a mile further from him, and the smaller and more insignificant he becomes. I've gotten over serious heartbreak, 6+ (normal) relationships and survived. Surely I can do this too. But I'm afraid because this time, I'm not really getting over a lost love; I'm getting over this addiction... and I've never done that before. It is easier that he made the decision for me and cut me off. I'm not sure I would be strong enough to pull that plug myself. I hope he stops toying with my emotions though... this last hot/cold was more than enough.

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I wish you had PM privileges.

 

Why do you say that? Am I rambling too much? Sorry... I'm using this as an outlet to get my emotions out :/

 

How does that work on this forum? I thought once I hit 50?

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I'm not really sure but I thought it was 100. I know when "established member" appears under your name you are able to PM.

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Why do you say that? Am I rambling too much? Sorry... I'm using this as an outlet to get my emotions out :/

 

How does that work on this forum? I thought once I hit 50?

 

NO you are not rambling, I just had some things I wanted to share with you but not comfortable putting it out there for everyone.

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NO you are not rambling, I just had some things I wanted to share with you but not comfortable putting it out there for everyone.

 

 

Oh I would very much love to hear them. As it is the weekend I plan on spending lots of time around the boards so I will get there soon :) keeps my mind off my situation by reading others...

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