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Met MM online then noticed he had multiple postings. Help!


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TandyLynn9

I contacted W through an online posting. Going in I knew he was married but it was supposedly bad and I was lonely and not using my head.

We've been seeing each other regularly. Not always sexual. He stops by my office to chat. We've even had lunch a couple times.

I have tried very hard to remember that he is still married and I know based on the situation at home he is not leaving anytime soon. This is all fine with me at the moment as I am not looking for more than what we have.

This morning I was bored and started searching through the same online site and came across multiple postings for the same person I am currently seeing. Some of them as recent as 2 days ago. We were together 2 days ago.

I am pissed!!!

All along he has said he wasn't sleeping with anyone but me. Not even the wife. He has asked me a few times if I was content with our arrangement. If I was sleeping with anyone else. I am content and I am not sleeping around.

I just don't get it.....

I should have known better. If he was willing to cheat with me, he would be willing to cheat on me.... blah blah blah.

Still doesn't make me less angry.

I know so much about him. I want to bust him. Tell his wife. Tell his kids. Tell his boss about all the times he comes to see me while on the clock working.

But in doing any of those things I will be outed as "the other woman". I will be seen as just as bad if not worse than him.

 

I never saw our arrangement going any further than where we are now. He's not exactly my type. But I also didn't see this coming.

 

I have no one I can tell or talk to about this. Everyone I know would be ashamed of me. Hell I am ashamed of me. And now I am torn. My head says END IT NOW! Right this minute! Break all communication. Get out before you get hurt. But, (why does there always have to be a but?) I still want him...... I am an idiot!

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Tandy,

 

 

Serial male cheaters know what women want to hear about themselves and they will happily tell you anything that cons you into being in a relationship with them.

 

 

Please run away as fast as you can. My STBXW hooked back up with an old boyfriend who is a serial cheater. We are divorcing because she wouldn't give up the puppy-love feelings she had with him.

 

 

She knew he is a serial cheater but was convinced that out all the women he had been with (two wives, probably dozens of sides) she was the greatest. She was also convinced that because she was so wonderful that he was not cheating on her (while he was cheating on his now ex wife, and she was cheating on me).

 

 

It is all an ego boost, but it was all built on lies. But she valued those lies more than she valued our 10 year marriage and the security it provided.

 

 

My advice is forget about revenge or acting out of anger. Focus your energy on escaping and cutting off all contact with him. Be thankful that you saw what he really is sooner rather than later.

 

 

If you need someone to talk to, find a therapist/counselor to meet with. I did this after D Day because I still had hopes of R and didn't want my friends to know what had happened.

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harrybrown

Get tested for stds and stay away from him.

 

He is using you and he does not care about you.

 

He is deceiving you and everything he told you are lies.

 

He may care that he could lose some extra "loving", but he could be putting your health at risk.

 

go ahead and out him and see what he says. You can do so much better.

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If you met on a dating site, do not be surprised that he is seeing multiple women. Hell, even single men on dating sites can't resist seeing multiple women. That's why dating sites suck. There are too many choices and it makes people lose their minds and behave badly. (and yes all that is true for women too)

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If you met on a dating site, do not be surprised that he is seeing multiple women. Hell, even single men on dating sites can't resist seeing multiple women. That's why dating sites suck. There are too many choices and it makes people lose their minds and behave badly. (and yes all that is true for women too)

 

 

 

You make that sound like it is a bad thing. Dating sites are for dating. People meet and go out on dates....that's what dating sites are for.

 

 

Meeting someone off of a dating site and then pitching a fit that they are dating is like going to a golf site and then complaining that the people there are golfing all the time.

 

 

The OP put herself out there to a man she knew was married. She wasn't butthurt that he was cheating on his wife when he was giving it to her. She was butthurt and a woman scorned when she found out his cheating on his wife with women other than her.

 

 

She was ok that he was a lying, cheating douche that tells women he's into them and only them when she was the one getting the candy on the side. Her issue is that he was a lying, cheating douches that tells women he's into them and only them when she found out she wasn't getting all the candy.

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You make that sound like it is a bad thing. Dating sites are for dating. People meet and go out on dates....that's what dating sites are for.

 

 

Meeting someone off of a dating site and then pitching a fit that they are dating is like going to a golf site and then complaining that the people there are golfing all the time.

 

Yeah, well, I'm not interested in dating around, like I'm choosing from a grocery store. I'm interested in meeting one special person and developing something substantial from there. I have good intuition and don't need to date a bazillion people to know whether or not I like someone and I don't care for others who do that either.

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Excuse me?

 

You're the other woman. The extra to lighten his mood a little when he needed it. Of course he's been sleeping with his wife all the time, and other women when you weren't available. And even if there weren't other other women involved, how could he be faithful to you when there was still the wife involved? You know that fidelity in monogamous relationships mean 2 people only, right? :confused:

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TandyLynn9

All very good points.

 

I knew it was not a good decision. I thought I knew all of the problems that could/would come up. I was naive. I know this.

 

In all honesty it was not supposed to go this far or on for this long. It was supposed to be a way for me to not get into another horrible relationship. Like a rebound type thing. I found out a couple days in he was still married. By then I started using the things he was telling me as justification for continuing the relationship. Still I knew it was wrong.

 

And oldshirt, I appreciate you not sugar coating it. You are absolutely correct. I have no right expecting anything more than I am getting.

 

After a lot of thought and calming myself down today I have realized his mess is his mess to sort out. No contacting the wife or kids or even telling anyone else.

 

Tomorrow should be fun....

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After a lot of thought and calming myself down today I have realized his mess is his mess to sort out. No contacting the wife or kids or even telling anyone else.

 

Now that's something you should reconsider. She's being exposed to STDs as well (you as well, although at least you knew what you were getting into), and stuff like HIV can have severe, life-threatening aftereffects.

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Ok - so now you do realize... You gonna end it?

 

Get tested for diseases. You've been exposed to a whole host of things with this one... Hopefully tests come in negative.

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TandyLynn9

I am definitely getting tested!

 

As far as the wife goes though I will need to think about how to go about doing that in the least damaging way. I don't know her personally, but I know enough about her that I could contact her if I wanted to.

 

All along the story has been about how horrible she is. I've even listened to speakerphone conversations between him and his 16 year old daughter. They are both scared of her. The lady does seem a little off. Probably part of the reason I allowed myself to continue with this whole mess.

 

I don't need her tracking me down and doing anything crazy.

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It was supposed to be a way for me to not get into another horrible relationship. Like a rebound type thing. I found out a couple days in he was still married.

 

Just so I understand, your plan to avoid a horrible relationship was to get involved with a married man you met on a dating website :confused: ?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I will tell you what I told my H's OW.... You are not special.

He is posting on sites to get more strange tail. This is what you are.

 

You are on these sites looking for these types of relationships. you should already know that you are not and will never be a factor in this mans life.

 

So you are upset that you are not the exclusive side piece?

 

Sorry no sympathy here. His W won't sympathize either. I doubt your intention in trying to contact her is to save her M but get back at him for not wanting or choosing you.

Get your stuff together and leave it and his W alone. Get IC and figure out why you have no boundaries and why the hell you would want unavailable men.

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MsRockstar

I read your story and the first thing I said to myself is "Is she serious?" Don't worry im not going to bash you by pointing out your mistakes, because you didn't deserve to be treated like that but no matter how we look at this, you ARE just as bad as he is. Like you said if he was willing to cheat with you then he was just as willing to cheat on you. Now you can either tell everyone you know that he's a serial cheater and be labeled "the other woman" or you can just leave out of his life and never look back. Bottom line is that you can't hide the fact that you ARE "the other woman" because even if no one knows about it, you will always know the truth. Again I'm not trying to bash you, I'm just pointing out the fact that whether you choose to tell people about who your "lover" really is as a person, or this is something you will keep from everyone until the day you die; you will have to face the truth and accept the fact that you're no better than he is. I believe you made a mistake and whether you feel guilty or not is up to you, but that doesn't mean you can't take this as a learning experience.

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petit_souris

Things like these happen all the time, people make bad choices not because they are "evil", more like hurt, insecurities and not enough growing up.

The good thing - you have a better understanding of him now. Based on that you decide if you want to continue getting involved with him/men like him or not.

If not, then cut him off, hit "ignore", get tested for STDs and start doing work on yourself. Besides getting involved in bad relationships, there is the option of living on your own for a while, until you feel comfortable enough not to care so much about 'having a man in your life'.

Work, read, eat well, enjoy small things, practice whatever makes you feel relaxed, awake.

Warning his wife about the STDs risks... I'm not sure that is on you. We can't prevent everything so... it's more his responsability. Unless you had some stuff (herpes, HPV etc) that you knew about...and might have infected him... focus on yourself.

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TandyLynn9

I'm honestly not really sure why I posted this to begin with. I think I just had to say to someone what I could not tell, and don't plan to tell, anyone in my life.

I waited until he contacted me, that's how it is, he contacts me, never the other way around. He sent me a text. I wanted so badly to call and say what needed to be said but I was too chicken. So I took the worst way possible and responded with a lengthy text. I was not rude or mean in hopes of avoiding any conflict. I really just want to put this whole thing behind me. I feel ashamed as this is not who I am and definitely not who I want to be.

I know he was surprised by his response but it was brief and there has been zero communication between us since. I'm sure he is on to his new woman which is whatever...

I have no plans of contacting anyone in his family or him ever again. And I hope he feels the same.

I blame myself for making a bad decision. The candy store analogy mentioned before is pretty much right. I went in to this thinking it was going to be no big deal. A one time thing. Something to get me over the other crap I was dealing with for so long. What I was missing in my life for so long. I was blinded by what I saw and did not pay attention to what I was actually doing. While he was not my type, not what I usually go for, I think that was the reason I slipped so far in this mess. As things progressed and we hung out just to hang out, nothing physical just things like lunch or meeting up just to say hi and chat for a bit, my head started getting things mixed up. All along I was never expecting him to leave her for me. That was never the case. I just enjoyed the connection we had. He's different from the guys I have been drawn to in the past and I ignored red flag after red flag. I listened to the words of someone I knew to be a liar and I believed them.

After I ended my 10 year relationship in the Fall I did focus all my attention on finding myself again. Fixing what I felt was broken. Trying to make myself better. Apparently I still need to take a little more time and work on me. And I need to remember that it's OK to be lonely. It sucks but it wont kill me. And I shouldn't use that feeling as a way to justify making poor decisions.

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understand50

Do not be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing, and you should be proud. We all make mistacks, but it what we learn from them and how we move on from them.

 

Good luck.

1102

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  • 2 weeks later...
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TandyLynn9

Since I still cannot talk to anyone I know about what I've done and I really need to get it out of my head for someone else to know, sad but it's true, even if it results in bad comments, I figured I would post an update on what I have in my head come to refer to as my little mess I created.

 

After the day I initiated NC with the MM everything was quiet for a couple of days. I was not happy, actually I was just plain sad that I had to end it but it was better for me in the end to do so. So I was willing to suffer through it.

 

Then I get a well thought out, very endearing, probably full of lies lies lies, text message from him. Basically saying he was confused. I was greatly missed. Can we still be text buddies. Nothing more, but he wanted to at least still get to talk to each other throughout the day since we did connect on more than just intimately.

 

And of course I being the sympathizer I am, and probably because I really still wanted to be with him, agreed. Bad idea I know but it happened.

Then he says he wants to see me. Like now. I was at work, he was down the street. Just to talk face to face. Again bad idea but I agreed. I was feeling very strong that day and knew I wouldn't cave in. And I didn't. He did give me a hug hello and goodbye. But that was it. We chatted for about 10 minutes about nothing, just catching up and he was gone.

 

Fast forward a couple days and several text messages and I made the mistake of agreeing to see him again. At my house on a Friday evening.

We stood in my kitchen for over 4 hours talking. Not touching. Not flirting just hanging out. Then he said it. "This is so awkward. I don't want it to be awkward." He moved closer to me and my will power was gone...

We spent the next couple hours in bed and it was great as usual. But after he left that night I was more confused than ever.

 

I still wanted to be just friends or friendly. Even if everything we did, everything he said, was lies it was still nice to have someone to talk to. I am missing that in my life right now. Terribly. I've been missing it for so long. And no one else I have met male or female has been able to fill that void. It sucks!

 

A few days later after many many many texts and him asking to see me again I agreed to a very late night visit. I knew this wasn't just to chat but I still agreed. He was supposed to call before coming over so I went to bed and when I woke up the next morning for work I realized he never called and never showed. I was actually relieved. I went about my morning. Getting ready for work.

 

Then I hear my text tone go off. It was him. Just "Hi". I didn't reply. I was busy and really needed to not talk to him. So I ignored him. 5 minutes later I hear a dog barking and I look outside and it's him. He knows he cannot come over at this time of morning since my kid is there. But he's there. I figure it must be something bad. I mean rules are rules and he's always respected the fact that I have a kid at home, just like I never called or showed up when his kid or W was around.

 

I greet him at the door and close the door behind us to see what is wrong. He slurs out "Nothing's wrong" and that's when I realize it. He's DRUNK. Like I cannot believe he is driving much less standing kinda drunk. It's 7:15am on a Tuesday! Wow! So I try to talk to him to avoid a conflict. My kid is just inside the house getting ready for school. I want everything to remain calm and civilized. He keeps hugging me and kissing me. Talking about totally random things. I'm still unsure why he even came by. After about 10 minutes I am able to convince him to go so we can leave for our day. He say's the usual bye I'll talk to you later.

 

Around 10 am I never heard from him and I really just wanted to make sure he wasn't dead in a ditch or jail, he was really that drunk, so I text him a short message asking how he was feeling. His reply "I'm good."

 

That was the last time I spoke to or saw him. No text. No call. Nothing.

While part of me is glad since this is what I was trying to accomplish the other part of me is wondering what happened. I cannot stop thinking about it. The only way to not think about him is to stay busy. All day everyday. Which is not too hard to do most of the time but when I stop for too long and do nothing it's all that is on my mind. It's ridiculous! It's annoying. Yet I cannot make myself stop.

 

But I refuse to contact him. I refuse to seek him out. I refuse to get wrapped up in this mess all over again. But I feel like I am missing the closure. The reason for the abrupt NC from him after he was almost begging to still remain friends. Is this just part of the game? He wasn't happy being the dumpee so he strung me along a couple of more days and ditched me? Was it an ego boost to him that he was able to easily wrap me back up around his finger only to drop me without so much as a "We are done!" text?

 

So that's it. It's been almost 2 weeks of NC. And everyday seems to get less and less frustrating. I think everyday how much I wish he would text me just so I can tell him to "**** off!" I want him to know how crappy he's made me feel. Not that it would matter to him obviously but I still want him to know....

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VeryBrokenMan

You won't want to hear any of this but he is probably a serial cheater and telling you he wanted to remain friends was like keeping a foot in the door. He knows at some point you will be weak and will be available to him again. My guess is that he has no intention of leaving his wife, he wants her and as many women on the side that he can get. You are just one more expendable affair partner and he's willing to say anything to keep you around.

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So that's it. It's been almost 2 weeks of NC. And everyday seems to get less and less frustrating. I think everyday how much I wish he would text me just so I can tell him to "**** off!" I want him to know how crappy he's made me feel. Not that it would matter to him obviously but I still want him to know....

I'll point out that you felt this same way two weeks ago:

 

This morning I was bored and started searching through the same online site and came across multiple postings for the same person I am currently seeing. Some of them as recent as 2 days ago. We were together 2 days ago.

I am pissed!!!

 

And when he texted you, your response was to take him back to bed...twice...

 

This why there is "No" in "No Contact". Seeking closure means continued contact. Remaining friends requires continued contact. NC eliminates the possibility of both of those with their attendant drama.

 

In case it's not clear, strongly recommend you go NC...

 

Mr. Lucky

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harrybrown

I do hope for your child's sake, you can keep up the NC.

 

You deserve so much better. Do not sell yourself short again.

 

You will find someone that is not attached and also not a a liar and a cheater.

 

He does not follow the "rules".

 

Hope you find some peace and happiness. Continue the NC, and get tested for stds. He is a player.

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