In the interest of moving on

[Grapesofwrath]

Throwing you guys a bit of a curve. I think I mentioned previously about a cute Dad in my neighborhood that I was getting to know a little before MM hit the scene. He is a solid guy. High integrity. Never cheated on his wife. (At this point, I put a lot of value on that.) Good Dad. Affectionate. To be clear, he is now divorced. Papers signed and processed. Anyway, here's the story. I'm interested in your thoughts, as I've come to think a lot of you understand a lot about men:

 

About a year ago, I met a nice, single man when our sons played on the same little league baseball team. He was newly separated, and I was a couple years post-divorce. Turned out we are neighbors. Nothing happened for several months, and that was all fine with me. I was recovering from a difficult relationship and was adjusting to his new life. Our kids would occasionally play together, and that was great.

 

One day he texted me to see if I'd like to get together for a glass of wine, just the two of us. We got together (on my birthday) and he had planned a wonderful beach picnic for us, very romantic. We had a great time together, talking and laughing. It was really such a perfect evening. We spent the night together that night—spontaneously--and several times again after that, when our custody schedules would allow. He would usually initiate these dates, as I tend to be less aggressive with that stuff and prefer the man to do it. (Though not always. I will ask sometimes.) We would have long, rambling talks and he allowed himself to be vulnerable with me. Sometimes shedding tears over the divorce.

 

Unfortunately, our schedules didn’t frequently line up, so we couldn’t see each other often. The time spent alone with each other started to dwindle and he would occasionally ask if our boys could get together to play. Even that often didn’t work, because of the custody schedule.

 

Over the months, we would get together with all the kids sometimes and that was always fun. We would dance, play cards, play charades, and have a great time. The kids would sleepover together, but not us grown-ups. I started seeing other people (including xMM), and he did as well.

 

Recently, our schedules started lining up more and we arranged more time together, en famille. Couple weeks ago we hung out together, just the two of us. We snuggled a lot, but no kissing or any other physical stuff. We briefly touched on the subject and he told me that he didn't want me to think he expected "intimacy" every time we got together. I told him that I thought that, if we did that again, we should be a little more intentional about it.

 

Couple weeks ago, I invited his son over to play with my boy. He came along too, bottle of wine in hand, and we hung out together while the kids all played (wasn’t expecting that). Some neighbors dropped by with their kids, and it was a fun little party. Lots of laughing and stories.

 

During the evening, he suggested things that we could do together with the kids (baseball games, camping, etc.) and also suggested a couple things he and I could do alone together. He’s done this before, but then doesn’t follow through with the actual invitation. For example, upon leaving he said, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” but then didn't.

 

Couple days later he texted to invite us all over to watch the basketball playoff game tonight. We're going, and I'm sure it will be fun. But again...it's a family thing, not a date thing. Am I now completely in the friend zone? If he was trying to give me the message "just friends" would he keep inviting me to do things with his kids?

 

I know the best way to find out is to ask him directly, but I’m feeling vulnerable. Anyone out there have some insight into what might be going on here? Does he just want to be friends? Moving slowly because there are kids in the mix?

[jen1447]

Sounds complicated to me. You both seem to lead very busy lives. It's one thing for younger people to think things are complicated due to a variety of emotional and/or intellectual factors, but you two literally have practical considerations limiting everything as well.

 

SO, I do think that your best bet is to just ask him and be done with it. We can all speculate and give you impressions from all over the board but I doubt they'll amount to much in the end. But the real answer's right there at your fingertips.

[MuddyRock]

I don't think guys will generally friend zone a woman. Thats a girl thing. Guys dont usually want women for just friends if you know what i mean. This is very general though. Especially if he is the one making the contacts first.

[Red123]

Throwing you guys a bit of a curve. I think I mentioned previously about a cute Dad in my neighborhood that I was getting to know a little before MM hit the scene. He is a solid guy. High integrity. Never cheated on his wife. (At this point, I put a lot of value on that.) Good Dad. Affectionate. To be clear, he is now divorced. Papers signed and processed. Anyway, here's the story. I'm interested in your thoughts, as I've come to think a lot of you understand a lot about men:

 

About a year ago, I met a nice, single man when our sons played on the same little league baseball team. He was newly separated, and I was a couple years post-divorce. Turned out we are neighbors. Nothing happened for several months, and that was all fine with me. I was recovering from a difficult relationship and was adjusting to his new life. Our kids would occasionally play together, and that was great.

 

One day he texted me to see if I'd like to get together for a glass of wine, just the two of us. We got together (on my birthday) and he had planned a wonderful beach picnic for us, very romantic. We had a great time together, talking and laughing. It was really such a perfect evening. We spent the night together that night—spontaneously--and several times again after that, when our custody schedules would allow. He would usually initiate these dates, as I tend to be less aggressive with that stuff and prefer the man to do it. (Though not always. I will ask sometimes.) We would have long, rambling talks and he allowed himself to be vulnerable with me. Sometimes shedding tears over the divorce.

 

Unfortunately, our schedules didn’t frequently line up, so we couldn’t see each other often. The time spent alone with each other started to dwindle and he would occasionally ask if our boys could get together to play. Even that often didn’t work, because of the custody schedule.

 

Over the months, we would get together with all the kids sometimes and that was always fun. We would dance, play cards, play charades, and have a great time. The kids would sleepover together, but not us grown-ups. I started seeing other people (including xMM), and he did as well.

 

Recently, our schedules started lining up more and we arranged more time together, en famille. Couple weeks ago we hung out together, just the two of us. We snuggled a lot, but no kissing or any other physical stuff. We briefly touched on the subject and he told me that he didn't want me to think he expected "intimacy" every time we got together. I told him that I thought that, if we did that again, we should be a little more intentional about it.

 

Couple weeks ago, I invited his son over to play with my boy. He came along too, bottle of wine in hand, and we hung out together while the kids all played (wasn’t expecting that). Some neighbors dropped by with their kids, and it was a fun little party. Lots of laughing and stories.

 

During the evening, he suggested things that we could do together with the kids (baseball games, camping, etc.) and also suggested a couple things he and I could do alone together. He’s done this before, but then doesn’t follow through with the actual invitation. For example, upon leaving he said, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” but then didn't.

 

Couple days later he texted to invite us all over to watch the basketball playoff game tonight. We're going, and I'm sure it will be fun. But again...it's a family thing, not a date thing. Am I now completely in the friend zone? If he was trying to give me the message "just friends" would he keep inviting me to do things with his kids?

 

I know the best way to find out is to ask him directly, but I’m feeling vulnerable. Anyone out there have some insight into what might be going on here? Does he just want to be friends? Moving slowly because there are kids in the mix?

This sounds awesome!!! Your kids get along, he sounds great, he's single and I didn't hear you complain about the adult time you had together. I would ask him. This sounds like it could be an amazing relationship just waiting to happen. Good luck with it.

[Grapesofwrath]

This sounds awesome!!! Your kids get along, he sounds great, he's single and I didn't hear you complain about the adult time you had together. I would ask him. This sounds like it could be an amazing relationship just waiting to happen. Good luck with it.

 

Thanks, Red. He is really a great guy, and I think he is still healing from his divorce. Our kids get along famously. His kids LOVE it at my house and will beg to stay for dinner, or to sleepover if possible. They are great kids. Also, when the boys were on the baseball team together, I met and hung out with his ex-wife a little, and she and I got along well. So that's another issue that I think we can manage.

[Popsicle]

I don't think guys will generally friend zone a woman. Thats a girl thing. Guys dont usually want women for just friends if you know what i mean. This is very general though. Especially if he is the one making the contacts first.

 

This.

 

I would be questioning why he's moving so slow too. I don't like men who move slow. He's probably just too passive or insecure or isn't ready for a full R.

 

Go for the first guy you mentioned who is divorced and affectionate.

Edited May 10, 2015 by Popsicle

[RoseVille]

If he wanted to move slowly with you because of the kids, the kids wouldn't already be involved with you and your kids - and yet, they are.

 

My gut tells me he enjoys your company, but doesn't intend for it to develop into anything serious.

[Grapesofwrath]

This.

 

I would be questioning why he's moving so slow too. I don't like men who move slow. He's probably just too passive or insecure or isn't ready for a full R.

 

Go for the first guy you mentioned who is divorced and affectionate.

 

Popsicle...they are one and the same...he was that guy, now he's family guy.

[Grapesofwrath]

Did I mention that he has told me he thinks I'm hot, an amazing mother, and have magnetic charisma?

[RoseVille]

Did I mention that he has told me he thinks I'm hot, an amazing mother, and have magnetic charisma?

 

Did your MM tell you the same?

 

Do you like him because he's pursuing you? Would you have pursued him?

 

I worry that you're just going to find yourself in a "situation" with another emotionally unavailable man. He shouldn't be crying to a love interest about his divorce...

[Sassy Girl]

If he wanted to move slowly with you because of the kids, the kids wouldn't already be involved with you and your kids - and yet, they are.

 

My gut tells me he enjoys your company, but doesn't intend for it to develop into anything serious.

 

This.

 

I believe he really likes you and is interested. Casually.

 

The ink isn't dry on the divorce papers yet. He's probably not ready to Commit to anyone right now. Probably just enjoying his freedom and good company. Nothing wrong with that, just guard your heart.

 

Honestly, I think you need to take some time and heal. No men. Be with yourself for a bit. But you're not likely to do that.

 

I also think you are probably thinking you're ready for something a little More committed. Not marriage or anything, but it's clear that MM wasn't giving you enough so maybe this man can't give you that right now either. You're in different phases of your divorce process.

 

Good luck though. I just think whilst he's "available" he might not be emotionally available, and that might not meet your current needs KWIM?

[RoseVille]

This.

 

I believe he really likes you and is interested. Casually.

 

The ink isn't dry on the divorce papers yet. He's probably not ready to Commit to anyone right now. Probably just enjoying his freedom and good company. Nothing wrong with that, just guard your heart.

 

Honestly, I think you need to take some time and heal. No men. Be with yourself for a bit. But you're not likely to do that.

 

I also think you are probably thinking you're ready for something a little More committed. Not marriage or anything, but it's clear that MM wasn't giving you enough so maybe this man can't give you that right now either. You're in different phases of your divorce process.

 

Good luck though. I just think whilst he's "available" he might not be emotionally available, and that might not meet your current needs KWIM?

 

Seconded, all of it.

[GirlStillStrong]

He just finalized his divorce. Let him breathe. Let him discover at a natural pace, let yourself discover at a natural pace. You are all having fun. Why ruin a good thing overanalyzing it and trying to define it? Just have fun! And stop thinking (or allowing) a man to decide what kind of relationship you're going to have! Just relax, let it play out naturally. Tell him how much fun you're having, tell him how much you enjoy being in his company, and ask him if he's still interested in doing those things he mentioned doing together and then, if so, start planning those things together!

[Sassy Girl]

Did I mention that he has told me he thinks I'm hot, an amazing mother, and have magnetic charisma?

 

i don't doubt he thinks you are... But why do You need this validation? What does this matter? Are you influenced by pretty words?

 

I'd probably dig a little on this.

[Hope Shimmers]

Did I mention that he has told me he thinks I'm hot, an amazing mother, and have magnetic charisma?

 

Well, I for one am not going to think that just because he told you this and it was something you were flattered to hear, it means that you "needed validation". Sometimes it's nice to just hear a person say something positive about you, without having to worry about how it will influence your psyche and self-honor. So I don't for a second think that your pointing that out means anything other than you appreciated his compliment and were telling us more about what his interest level might be.

 

Men don't say things like this to women they are unattracted to. However, he is moving really slowly and that is probably due to his divorce and not wanting to jump headfirst into anything, especially with his kids. I would act friendly and interested and ask him to get together without the kids for some activity (not sex, yet ). He may also feel odd that you had the sex thing right off the bat and isn't sure how to proceed from there. Enjoy!

[Red123]

Did your MM tell you the same?

 

Do you like him because he's pursuing you? Would you have pursued him?

 

I worry that you're just going to find yourself in a "situation" with another emotionally unavailable man. He shouldn't be crying to a love interest about his divorce...

 

Respectfully I disagree. If he feels that you understand his situation because you have been through a divorce, that may be the reason he opened up to you. Also moving slow isn't a bad thing for everyone. A lot of divorced people I know move a bit slower after going through that.

[RoseVille]

Respectfully I disagree. If he feels that you understand his situation because you have been through a divorce, that may be the reason he opened up to you. Also moving slow isn't a bad thing for everyone. A lot of divorced people I know move a bit slower after going through that.

 

So you think he's emotionally available and ready for a committed, serious relationship so soon after his divorce? Hmph.

[Poppy47]

This sounds awesome!!! Your kids get along, he sounds great, he's single and I didn't hear you complain about the adult time you had together. I would ask him. This sounds like it could be an amazing relationship just waiting to happen. Good luck with it.

 

Make a play date with him! I would.

 

Poppy

[Grapesofwrath]

Did your MM tell you the same?

 

Do you like him because he's pursuing you? Would you have pursued him?

 

I worry that you're just going to find yourself in a "situation" with another emotionally unavailable man. He shouldn't be crying to a love interest about his divorce...

 

My Mm told me I took his breath away, among other things. His words were spellbinding, but he is a mm. So I have never really trusted them. This guy has complimented me too , and of course I enjoyed hearing that. But I was attracted to him when I first met him last year and remain that way.we have both been vulnerable in front of each other. Maybe it wasn't smart to sleep with him so quickly, but it felt right at the time.

 

Tonight was great and his son is sleeping over here, which makes him so happy. We'll see. He may not be emotionally available, that's true. And I need to work on myself too. So maybe taking it slow is the right way to go

[Grapesofwrath]

Very sweet text exchange this morning...he wrote this:

 

"Grapes...I want you to know that I really enjoy spending time with you.mi appreciate your friendship. You're a very special person in this world." Then we went on to discuss some things we could do together in the near future, and this time I said I would look into it, so I know it happens.

 

friend zone?

[RoseVille]

Very sweet text exchange this morning...he wrote this:

 

"Grapes...I want you to know that I really enjoy spending time with you.mi appreciate your friendship. You're a very special person in this world." Then we went on to discuss some things we could do together in the near future, and this time I said I would look into it, so I know it happens.

 

friend zone?

 

Not friend zone, just what I said before: he likes you, enjoys your company, but is not looking for something serious. He's still reeling from a devastating divorce that causes him to cry to you. You are a light at the end of a dark tunnel.

 

He's sincere, but look at the situation from the outside, the way you would a dear friend. You'd be telling her to guard her heart. Most people we meet when in this sort of transition hold a special place in our lives, but it rarely lasts.

[Red123]

So you think he's emotionally available and ready for a committed, serious relationship so soon after his divorce? Hmph.

 

I have no idea if he's emotionally available, but he is showing interest IMO. I don't know him but going by what she has posted I think he is interested. She hasn't exactly told him she is interested either so maybe he is being cautious about saying it first. Again I believe that taking things slow is not always a bad thing and to be a single mom and meet a single dad that she has a great time with, and the kids like each other, I just think it sounds like a great match. My opinion means nothing in their situation, I just think it sounds like a good start to something awesome.

[Popsicle]

Very sweet text exchange this morning...he wrote this:

 

"Grapes...I want you to know that I really enjoy spending time with you.mi appreciate your friendship. You're a very special person in this world." Then we went on to discuss some things we could do together in the near future, and this time I said I would look into it, so I know it happens.

 

friend zone?

 

Who knows what's going on in the penis people's minds?

 

They are a mystery to me.

[RoseVille]

I have no idea if he's emotionally available, but he is showing interest IMO. I don't know him but going by what she has posted I think he is interested. She hasn't exactly told him she is interested either so maybe he is being cautious about saying it first. Again I believe that taking things slow is not always a bad thing and to be a single mom and meet a single dad that she has a great time with, and the kids like each other, I just think it sounds like a great match. My opinion means nothing in their situation, I just think it sounds like a good start to something awesome.

 

I never said he wasn't interested.

 

But coming out of an affair to get immediately invested in an emotionally unavailable man is very dangerous for her emotional well-being.

[Red123]

I never said he wasn't interested.

 

But coming out of an affair to get immediately invested in an emotionally unavailable man is very dangerous for her emotional well-being.

 

Maybe, I don't know if he is emotionally available or unavailable, it's her life and her choice. She find out if he's available or not. I said my piece and that's it I'm not trying to argue I just think differently than you. I'm basing my option on the little information provided and that's all. I do think he's probably more emotionally available than the MM she was involved with so it looks like a more promising option.