Truths?

[Ifalltopieces]

We always hear about all the lies OM/OW often tell...

 

My question is this:

 

Is there anything they say, that you DO believe to be true? Certainly under all the lies there has to be SOME truth right? Wrong?

 

I'm just curious....

[Josmatjes]

There is always a little truth.... But even though my mm did tell me the truth most of the time.... He was always telling outrageous lies to his wife so that just means that they are capable of it.

 

My mm taught me how to lie and now I have to teach myself how to move on and forgive myself for being weak....

 

They all tell the truth........till they don't.....

[RoseVille]

As of right now, I believe MM.

 

But... When he ended it, he said the lies were getting to him. When I asked what he's lied about, he said he's lied to his wife by omission, but he hasn't actually said something (volunteered or when asked) that wasn't true. He's gotten lucky that she just hasn't asked certain things, and our circumstances were such that he didn't ever have to lie about his whereabouts.

[GoldieLox]

My MM was different in some ways from a lot on here... he never gave me the song and dance of future faking, or "me and the wife never have sex", etc. Those kinds of things were never discussed.

 

We only had two extremely heavy conversations. They both regarded our feelings for each other. In hindsight, I would like to believe him. I'd like to believe I wasn't just a sex toy to him and that what he said was true, that he actually cared about me. I don't know if I do believe him. His actions after it ended show otherwise.

[Eagle's-bargain]

A HALF-TRUTH IS THE WORST KIND OF LIE.

My ExAP (a MW) said a lot of horrible things about her BH.

I believed her.

 

I believed her when she texted me at one-twenty in the morning when she said, "I just punched (my BH) in the face maybe he'll finally break up with me".

I believed she wasn't going to have a happy relationship with him.

I believed she trusted me.

 

I thought that was the truth.

The truth is that the damage has been done between all of us. I ended up sleeping with her. I believed her love was true because she drove 55km one way to spend the night at my house. She was alone the whole way. She had time to think about what she was doing.

 

I believe and know she's using her husband still.

I believe and know she's a liar to herself.

These feelings are true because I believe them, and she ended lying to at least one person during this whole process.

 

I believe I took my feelings as far as humanly possible to resolve whether or not loving her matters.

I was and am in love with a woman who used me, used her husband, and still I care(d) about her.

However, if she came back into my life.

I am 99.99999~ sure I will shoot her down every-time.

Why? I'm not a second choice.

And if she decides to leave her husband, it's because she's dried him up like a well.

If she'll hurt him, what's stopping her from hurting me?

Did she take responsibility?

Or did she just feign weakness to cover her rear?

I would like to think she too the moral high-road after hurting everyone, but I don't think that's happened.

And frankly the truth is it's none of my business.

 

And even if she did, I'm not part of her life.

I offered my hand, she did not follow through with taking it.

I don't think she admitted she did wrong.

I think she lied to herself to keep the security and convenience, and replaced her miserable feelings in that relationship it with a high-speed-low-drag lifestyle to avoid herself.

 

At the end of the day, I took my feelings as far as humanly possible and reached one important conclusion: she is not with me.

And even if she comes back into my life, would she just leave it again?

How foolish do I want myself to be?

That's the truth of my situation.

 

Have I moved on? As much as possible.

I'm interested in other women, and expressed interest.

I am trying to invest my life into those potential women out there.

That's the truth.

Because the truth I was told was that I was her best friend and better to her than her husband.

And that she wanted me more or both of us.

I don't negotiate with sparrows, regardless that the meek shall inherit the earth.

Again, she's not here. That's true.

If she came to me, the damage was done. That's true.

I won't forget the damage we did to each other. That's true.

 

Taking her back?

I am my own man. That's true.

I can't take back someone with whom I was ne'er joined. That's true.

 

 

Truth doesn't matter.

On, "What is truth and what is God."

If I take a lamp and shine toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth, for understanding. Too often we assume the light on the wall is God, but the light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it. Similarly, someone who does not search, who does not bring a lantern with him, sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light, pure and unblemished, not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes, we stand in front of the light and assume we are the center of the universe – God looks astonishingly like we do! – or we turn to look at our shadow and assume all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose – which is use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty and all its flaws, and in so doing, better understand the world around us. - Babylon 5

[Bittersweetie]

Yes, I think AP tell both truth and lies. I know I did.

 

But the question becomes, what is the truth, and what is the lie?

 

One may think they can tell the difference, but after many truths, and many lies...it becomes harder and harder to tell, and thus the crazy-making begins.

[Gloria_Smellons]

We always hear about all the lies OM/OW often tell...

 

My question is this:

 

Is there anything they say, that you DO believe to be true? Certainly under all the lies there has to be SOME truth right? Wrong?

 

I'm just curious....

 

I've basically made it my policy to just always assume MM is lying - it's just easier for me to deal with things that way.

 

For what it's worth, I think MM believes a lot of what he says on some level - but then we're talking about a man who cheats on his wife, so he seems able to skew his own realities to suit whatever agenda he has at the time.

 

I often wonder to myself if that makes things more difficult than if he was out and out lying... the fact that sometimes he's telling the 'truth', but only the truth for that moment, a fleeting and fragile truth that's gone just as quick as the words come out his mouth.

[Eagle's-bargain]

Yes, I think AP tell both truth and lies. I know I did.

 

But the question becomes, what is the truth, and what is the lie?

 

One may think they can tell the difference, but after many truths, and many lies...it becomes harder and harder to tell, and thus the crazy-making begins.

 

Sacrifice usually breaks all lies.

Although a half-truth is the worst kind of lie.

[GirlStillStrong]

I think what they say doesn't matter half as much as what they do.

 

You can make yourself crazy trying to figure out someone else's truth.

 

The lesson to learn from all this is if someone is so dysfunctional that having them in your life hurts you or makes you crazy, it is your responsibility to yourself to eliminate them from your life. If doing so causes you unbearable pain, recognize the pain as a big signal that you have some serious growing and emotional maturing to do.

[Sassy Girl]

I don't ask the questions... Then he doesn't need to lie.

 

He's actually a little bit clueless and says whatever pops into his head, which means he tells me stuff he probably shouldn't, or that I don't want to know... But lie? Well he might I guess, but it doesn't impact me.

 

But we don't have disagreements. There's no push/pull, no arguments. We're just good friends who like being in each other's company with no real expectations.

[Got it]

We were brutally honest with each other, so no reason to lie. So no, i don't think I was told lies. If I was I don't recall them.

[RoseVille]

I don't ask the questions... Then he doesn't need to lie.

 

He's actually a little bit clueless and says whatever pops into his head, which means he tells me stuff he probably shouldn't, or that I don't want to know... But lie? Well he might I guess, but it doesn't impact me.

 

But we don't have disagreements. There's no push/pull, no arguments. We're just good friends who like being in each other's company with no real expectations.

 

This was pretty much us. And when it's put that way, it doesn't seem so bad...

[OldRover]

Some people lie, and some don't. Some will lie to someone else, but not to all.

 

There are folks that have never lied to their AP and things worked out great... and some that didn't lie, and weren't believed. It all depends......

 

Also, there's some that don't tell about things that are not related to the AP, like things with their spouse that are a non issue, but none of the AP business.... I've heard this can be considered to be lying by omission, but shouldn't be if there is no issue that would affect the AP.

[Satu]

We always hear about all the lies OM/OW often tell...

 

My question is this:

 

Is there anything they say, that you DO believe to be true? Certainly under all the lies there has to be SOME truth right? Wrong?

 

I'm just curious....

 

If they said they did it because they wanted to, I would believe it.

[goodyblue]

My guy never lied to me and he never lied to his ex. He didnt have to, she never engaged with him enough to notice anything was off.

[still_an_Angel]

I entered my relationship with MM knowing he is married, and he never future-faked with me. We started as a D/s which evolved into a full-blown R over the years. I didn't think it would last this long but it has, I don't think he needs to lie with me, I hardly ask about his W, and even if we end up talking about his M, I don't believe in wife-bashing so I never judge and have never put her down or criticized her. He can talk to me about her and be comfortable about it.

 

 

I have accepted that this is as far as it goes. We are together because we want to, not because of ties (children) or commitment (marriage). Ironically, he is still married based on the very same reasons.

[RoseVille]

Thought about this more last night.

 

Honestly, I think MMs are pretty honest with their OWs. They've got nothing to lose with the OW; if not her, they'll find another. It's rarely just about sex; there's a missing component of intimacy and acceptance in their marriage, which they can only get by being "real."

 

Of course I'm sure some of them DO lie to get and keep an OW, but from my own experience, I also know that sometimes people don’t really listen to what the other person is saying. They hear only what they want to hear, and ignore the the things that would tend to cast doubt on their MM's ability or desire to leave his wife and/or family. On the contrary, he probably was very honest with the OW at the beginning. But once he got into the A, he simply changed his mind. He got out of the fog and saw it all clearly and realized what he really wanted was his W.

[Grapesofwrath]

I never caught my xMM in a lie, and he said he was always honest with me. but this from a man who lied routinely and frequently to his wife. A man who would step into another room to phone her for their evening call, and then come right back out and resume his activities with me, with a seamless transition. Anyone capable of that kind of compartmentalization and deceit is not trustworthy. So even though I may never have caught him, I assume that he has lied to me either lies of omission (I'm sure these happened) or lies of commission.

[cocorico]

We always hear about all the lies OM/OW often tell...

 

My question is this:

 

Is there anything they say, that you DO believe to be true? Certainly under all the lies there has to be SOME truth right? Wrong?

 

I'm just curious....

 

Perhaps my situation was "unusual", but everything he said was true. No lies told to me, and the only "lies" to the BS were delayed disclosure.

[Eagle's-bargain]

Perhaps my situation was "unusual", but everything he said was true. No lies told to me, and the only "lies" to the BS were delayed disclosure.

 

That's still a lie.

If he'll lie to someone else about his love (for the AP), he'll totally lie to you.

[cocorico]

That's still a lie.

If he'll lie to someone else about his love (for the AP), he'll totally lie to you.

 

His decision not to leave a Post-It note on the fridge telling her he was having the best sex of his life with me, was lying? His decision to wait until we both knew we wanted to be together full-time, and that the kids were cool with that, before informing her that they were leaving, was lying?

 

Fair enough.

 

If, after 30+ years of devoted faithfulness in the face of being treated like rubbish, he decides to force a conversation because I've been refusing to discuss anything with him through any medium other than Post-It notes on the fridge, to inform me that he's fallen in love with someone who loves him and treats him like a human being (as constitutes "lying") then yes, perhaps he will "lie" to me. And I'll deserve it, just like she did.

[Popsicle]

My guy never lied to me and he never lied to his ex. He didnt have to, she never engaged with him enough to notice anything was off.

 

His decision not to leave a Post-It note on the fridge telling her he was having the best sex of his life with me, was lying? His decision to wait until we both knew we wanted to be together full-time, and that the kids were cool with that, before informing her that they were leaving, was lying?

 

Fair enough.

 

If, after 30+ years of devoted faithfulness in the face of being treated like rubbish, he decides to force a conversation because I've been refusing to discuss anything with him through any medium other than Post-It notes on the fridge, to inform me that he's fallen in love with someone who loves him and treats him like a human being (as constitutes "lying") then yes, perhaps he will "lie" to me. And I'll deserve it, just like she did.

 

You two seem to have a similar type of guy and they had similar type of wives and marriages (super crappy ones). You were lucky.

[Eagle's-bargain]

His decision not to leave a Post-It note on the fridge telling her he was having the best sex of his life with me, was lying? His decision to wait until we both knew we wanted to be together full-time, and that the kids were cool with that, before informing her that they were leaving, was lying?

 

Fair enough.

 

If, after 30+ years of devoted faithfulness in the face of being treated like rubbish, he decides to force a conversation because I've been refusing to discuss anything with him through any medium other than Post-It notes on the fridge, to inform me that he's fallen in love with someone who loves him and treats him like a human being (as constitutes "lying") then yes, perhaps he will "lie" to me. And I'll deserve it, just like she did.

 

Why can't he just love you regardless of the sex?

Why does he need to use a post-it?

What kind of world does a person live in to report infidelity via post-it note?

 

I don't know the whole story, but and I'm not going to apologize for my comment.

[bentleychic]

Mine prides himself on being brutally honest with me, whether it hurts my feelings or upsets me or not.

 

He lies to his W by omission.

[GirlStillStrong]

Here's the thing. Anyone who promises another that they will love, honor, and cherish and then cheats on them makes themselves a liar. And the act of withholding this information from their spouse while maintaining an affair is lying by omission. And participating in an affair with someone else without fully disclosing to their spouse what they are doing means they are LIVING a lie. So whether WS lies directly TO you or not, they are still a liar.

 

Ugh.