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what is the best way to go NC


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I've done both ways and failed at both. Abruptly and sending NC letter. I think in my heart and mind, I wasn't done. This time, I've never been so sure od anything in my life.

 

I just abruptly went NC yesterday. I'm not sure if its the best way. Last time I did, he was pretty hurt and upset (or so he said).

 

But, part of me feels wrong for doing it this way. How could I end a year long A with no good-bye. I feel this might cause him to act out like he did before. Being best buddies with my innocent husband and being up his arse 24/7....not fair to my husband (none of it is, I know this!)

 

On the other hand, everytime ive gone NC and given him the old goodbye speech, he has ALWAYS disrespected me and contacted me. I'm no better, because I eventually gave in.

 

Ive finally realized that I'm nothing to him but an ego stroke.I'm tired of his excuses and only contacting me when its convenient for him. I'm not worth a 10 second email to say he cant text when he said he's going to. 10 seconds. I'm not worth that!!

 

I know I'm acting immature. But I'm done. I just want advice of what has worked best for you. No.... I'm not confessing. I know that would keep this guy away. But I'm not doing it.

 

Ive blocked on Facebook. After I run my marathon next week, im deactivating it. I set up a filter on my email where he gets an automatic email that says he's been blocked. And I blocked his cell number.

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Ifalltopieces

I can't really offer any advice because I do what you have done in the past; initiate NC and then let him manipulate and weasel his way back in.

 

I think the first step to sticking to NC is realizing you deserve better. It sounds like you have had a sudden epiphany of some kind. Good luck!!!!!

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Friskyone4u

Since you are not going to confess, there is only one way and that is believing you are done and sticking to it.

 

Your problem here is that this OM seems like such a selfish pig and so determined to keep getting in your pants that if you do stick to it he is going to eventually do something stupid that will either get you caught or vindictive like telling your husband.

 

You unfortunately are never going to know when the hammer will drop.

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I can't really offer any advice because I do what you have done in the past; initiate NC and then let him manipulate and weasel his way back in.

 

I think the first step to sticking to NC is realizing you deserve better. It sounds like you have had a sudden epiphany of some kind. Good luck!!!!!

 

Yes. Same here, ive always let him weasel his way back. Ive finally realized he will always be the same manipulative prick.

 

And I'm realizing that my kids and husband are my everything and this guy is nothing. Just like I'm nothing to him.

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Josmatjes

Nikki, I just blocked also after being sucked back in way too many times.

 

They are liars and pigs and selfish and do not feel bad for not saying goodbye....

He doesn't deserve a goodbye....

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Ifalltopieces
Yes. Same here, ive always let him weasel his way back. Ive finally realized he will always be the same manipulative prick.

 

And I'm realizing that my kids and husband are my everything and this guy is nothing. Just like I'm nothing to him.

 

I'm realizing that too...I think I always did know, I just buried it all to justify my actions. I'm still involved with my AP but the end is near. Good luck to you!!!!

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Well, every situation is different because personalities and dynamics are different, but NC did not work for me and my situation. If I were in a different situation (perhaps like yours) NC might be the better course of action for me. In my situation, weening and fading to black works better for me.

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Since you are not going to confess, there is only one way and that is believing you are done and sticking to it.

 

Your problem here is that this OM like such a selfish pig and so determined to keep getting in your pants that if you do stick to it he is going to eventually do something stupid that will either get you caught or vindictive like telling your husband.

 

You unfortunately are never going to know when the hammer will drop.

 

Thank you, thats great advice, and so true. Believing and sticking to it.

 

Last time I went NC, he became quite the nuisance. Frightening at times. I know he was always paranoid about being caught, so I dont think he will confess. he knows my H would

probably kill him..I think his vindictive behavior is more a power thing to him. And something I'm definitely not looking forward to. But I'm not giving in this time because I know I'll just end up in the same spot as I am right now.

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Ending is hard, period, whether it's on a bad note or good note. If you end it on a bad note, in time you are left deeply sad that you ended on a bad note and what good you missed by doing that. If you end it on a good note, you are left with a yearning longing feeling and sadness that your AP is not there to quench that. There is no way to avoid sadness I think once you break up. It's just an issue of what you as an individual do to get you through all the moments of sadness afterwards until it becomes less and less. If fueling your discontinuance by anger is what helps you most, then by all means be angry and go for it.

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RoseVille
Ending is hard, period, whether it's on a bad note or good note. If you end it on a bad note, in time you are left deeply sad that you ended on a bad note and what good you missed by doing that. If you end it on a good note, you are left with a yearning longing feeling and sadness that your AP is not there to quench that. There is no way to avoid sadness I think once you break up. It's just an issue of what you as an individual do to get you through all the moments of sadness afterwards until it becomes less and less. If fueling your discontinuance by anger is what helps you most, then by all means be angry and go for it.

 

So true. It's a loss that you have to grieve and get over, and that process takes time.

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GoldieLox

I think in your case, just going abruptly is best. Any kind of letter or speech is just showing him that you still have emotions tied to him. Who cares if he's hurt? This guy is a f&$king toxic leech.

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Ive finally realized that I'm nothing to him but an ego stroke.I'm tired of his excuses and only contacting me when its convenient for him. I'm not worth a 10 second email to say he cant text when he said he's going to. 10 seconds. I'm not worth that!!

 

Nikki, well done for realising this. Keep hanging on to that thought and stay strong :)

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Ifalltopieces
Thank you, thats great advice, and so true. Believing and sticking to it.

 

Last time I went NC, he became quite the nuisance. Frightening at times. I know he was always paranoid about being caught, so I dont think he will confess. he knows my H would

probably kill him..I think his vindictive behavior is more a power thing to him. And something I'm definitely not looking forward to. But I'm not giving in this time because I know I'll just end up in the same spot as I am right now.

 

Your AP and mine sound frighteningly similar....majority of everything you share, I can relate too. However, My AP doesn't seem worried at all about being caught...he has no care in the world. Underneath his hard core exterior, is a very damaged individual...I sometimes wish I could dissect him....oh the things I would discover....

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jellybean89

So I have to ask, if he did send you the 10 sec message that he can't text, or if he did text you more often, would you still be done? Or is it you are only done now because he isn't stroking your ego like you are stroking his? What has made you finally realize your H and Kids are worth more?

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So I have to ask, if he did send you the 10 sec message that he can't text, or if he did text you more often, would you still be done? Or is it you are only done now because he isn't stroking your ego like you are stroking his? What has made you finally realize your H and Kids are worth more?

 

I gotta second this. Nikki what worries is not once did you say that you wanted to stop this because of your family. It really just sounds like a ploy to get MM to pay more attention to you, which is why I think this is going to fail. What is going to happen the moment he starts showering you with attention again? Let's not forget, he doesn't need access to email, text, or facebook. He is friends with your husband and he knows where you live. This guy ain't going anywhere.

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I gotta second this. Nikki what worries is not once did you say that you wanted to stop this because of your family. It really just sounds like a ploy to get MM to pay more attention to you, which is why I think this is going to fail. What is going to happen the moment he starts showering you with attention again? Let's not forget, he doesn't need access to email, text, or facebook. He is friends with your husband and he knows where you live. This guy ain't going anywhere.

 

She doesn't want to tell her husband for obvious reasons. But what she can do is if he contacts husband,then she need to send him a quick message telling him that she IS going to tell him if he keeps the contact going. She needs to get mean.

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Sassy Girl
She doesn't want to tell her husband for obvious reasons. But what she can do is if he contacts husband,then she need to send him a quick message telling him that she IS going to tell him if he keeps the contact going. She needs to get mean.

 

Lol. He's already called this bluff over and over. He knows she's not going to tell. He's laughing at her. He has her by the short and curlies and he loves the game.he knows she's not telling.

 

The fact is, Nokki cares more about protecting herself than she does protecting her family and marriage. OM already knows this about her. That's why he happily messes with her head.

 

She also loves the attention, and has no intention of changing it. I agree with jbrent wholeheartedly.

 

Nikki is all about her. When he was playing his power games and becoming friendly with her husband she still made it all about her, rather than looking at the sheer disrespect for her husband. She didn't protect him or her marriage. She protected her. Instead she bitched and moaned about how SHE was the victim and he was doing it to her. Never mind that when husband finally finds out he's going to remember it all and the way you two humiliated him will be front and centre.

 

She's received endless advice on how to end it, help herself and her marriage. She's ignored all of it. She's gone backwards. And add her therapist to the growing list of people she lies to now. It's never ending

 

Nikki, the hole you dig just gets bigger and bigger the more you lie and cover up.

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She doesn't want to tell her husband for obvious reasons. But what she can do is if he contacts husband,then she need to send him a quick message telling him that she IS going to tell him if he keeps the contact going. She needs to get mean.

 

The only flaw I see with this is I think this guy knows just as much as we do that Nikki is never going to tell her husband. I hope I'm wrong, but I see the exact same thing happening as last time. Nikki ends this then MM retaliates by hanging out with her husband. I think most of us know how that story ended. As it stands, Nikki gives her affection to the man that gives her the most attention. Sadly her husband is never going to win that game because he doesn't know that he is playing. At the end of the day, the only way that this will end is if Nikki gets caught.

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I second this. Nikki what worries is not once did you say that you wanted to stop this because of your family. It really just a ploy to get MM to pay more attention to you, which is why I think this is going to fail. What is going to happen the moment he starts showering you with attention again? Let's not forget, he doesn't need access to email, text, or facebook. He is friends with your husband and he knows where you live. This guy ain't going anywhere.

 

 

I DID say my kids and husband are my everything. And thats why I'm trying to move on from this toxic one way thing.

I'm not worried about him showering me with attention. He hasn't done that in almost a year. He's not changing.

Youre right, hes not going anywhere. i know, this is going to be a huge challange for me. But im ready for whatever challanges I have to face.

I have failed miserably in the past. And it didnt get me anywhere but deeper into the hole. Im ready to start digging myself out of it.

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Lol. He's already called this bluff over and over. He knows she's not going to tell. He's laughing at her. He has her by the short and curlies and he loves the game.he knows she's not telling.

 

The fact is, Nokki cares more about protecting herself than she does protecting her family and marriage. OM already knows this about her. That's why he happily messes with her head.

 

She also loves the attention, and has no intention of changing it. I agree with jbrent wholeheartedly.

 

Nikki is all about her. When he was playing his power games and becoming friendly with her husband she still made it all about her, rather than looking at the sheer disrespect for her husband. She didn't protect him or her marriage. She protected her. Instead she bitched and moaned about how SHE was the victim and he was doing it to her. Never mind that when husband finally finds out he's going to remember it all and the way you two humiliated him will be front and centre.

 

She's received endless advice on how to end it, help herself and her marriage. She's ignored all of it. She's gone backwards. And add her therapist to the growing list of people she lies to now. It's never ending

 

Nikki, the hole you dig just gets bigger and bigger the more you lie and cover up.

 

Sassy...aren't you a MOW also? You are in no position to tell me about protecting my husband or my marriage.

From what I see, you are in a full blown affair. Probably still having sex with someone elses husband. And you have no intention of ending it. And you want to talk to me about protecting and disrespecting? Ha!!

 

Oh and yeah... everything has always been and will always be about me me me. I should just use you as my therapist, save some money. Because you have all the answers.

 

I know what I'm doing is wrong and I have been trying to get out of my mess. But I am an addict. And it's the hardest thing ive ever had to do. Not because I love this guy and cant live without him. Its the addiction I'm trying to fight.

 

And until you're ready to end your affair and fight through this addiction, you have no idea how hard this is.

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I DID say my kids and husband are my everything. And thats why I'm trying to move on from this toxic one way thing.

I'm not worried about him showering me with attention. He hasn't done that in almost a year. He's not changing.

Youre right, hes not going anywhere. i know, this is going to be a huge challange for me. But im ready for whatever challanges I have to face.

I have failed miserably in the past. And it didnt get me anywhere but deeper into the hole. Im ready to start digging myself out of it.

 

Nikki he is giving you attention. What you are upset about is that it's not happening on your terms. This was made evident when you stated in your previous thread that you were upset at the fact that MM wouldn't have sex with you. When he was your kitchen drinking beers with your husband and I think a part of you enjoyed that. It showed he was willing to go that far to get your attention. And no, nowhere in this thread or the previous thread did you say you wanted to end this for your family. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that you want to end this, but I think your doing it for wrong reasons. Your posts as of late leads me to believe that if MM was having sex with you or giving you the attention you want, this affair would not be over with, in fact, you would do everything in your power to keep this going. Even if this does end, you are still going to have a husband who you feel doesn't give you enough attention. I don't think you are going to be able to drag him to MC again without raising some questions on his end. My biggest fear though is if you end this, what happens when someone else comes along that gives you the attention you crave? You have already proven that you will have multiple affairs and fall back into an affair to get that attention. I'm not trying to beat you up but I want you to think about the points I raised.

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Sassy Girl
Sassy...aren't you a MOW also? You are in no position to tell me about protecting my husband or my marriage.

From what I see, you are in a full blown affair. Probably still having sex with someone elses husband. And you have no intention of ending it. And you want to talk to me about protecting and disrespecting? Ha!!

 

Oh and yeah... everything has always been and will always be about me me me. I should just use you as my therapist, save some money. Because you have all the answers.

 

I know what I'm doing is wrong and I have been trying to get out of my mess. But I am an addict. And it's the hardest thing ive ever had to do. Not because I love this guy and cant live without him. Its the addiction I'm trying to fight.

 

And until you're ready to end your affair and fight through this addiction, you have no idea how hard this is.

 

Nikki I get this often on here, so what you're saying isn't new. If attacking me makes you feel better have at it, but let me be clear that I'm not starting posts seeking advice - that was you. In any case, pointing fingers and screaming 'ha!' Doesn't make what I said any less true now, does it?

 

As I also mentioned yesterday to another poster - I am not a one dimensional person. I'm more than a MOW... my opinions are formed by my varied experiences with infidelity. Not just as a MOW. Mostly as a betrayed child whose family was split up by infidelity (and no, the irony is not lost on me so you can back away from all the obvious comments because this is your thread, not mine)

 

What are you doing to protect your husband and your marriage from MM? What are you REALLY doing. Don't say therapy because your lying to your therapist.

dont tell me no contact. Because I doubt you are in no contact.

 

What are you going to CHANGE about this situation, because your posts are just like Groundhog Day. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! jbrent is right - the only thing that will stop you is a dday. And the longer this continues the more likely it will happen, and the more likely it is that your husband will divorce you.

 

You've engaged in a long term affair with someone in your social circle who is friends with your husband and taunts you with the power he has over you. A series of really bad decisions means THE ONLY way for you to end this successfully is to confess. Or a dday. Nothing else you have tried works and by your own admission you "are fighting an addiction" and "can't stop". If this is true you are flat out of options. I keep hoping you will understand this. You are out of options. I get that you're angry at yourself for getting yourself in this situation - lashing out at me won't help.

 

Don't you see that the sooner you do this, the sooner you can move to healing, both you and he marriage? Because the ONLY reason you're not confessing is to protect yourself - at the cost of everything else.

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Nikki I get this often on here, so what you're saying isn't new. If attacking me makes you feel better have at it, but let me be clear that I'm not starting posts seeking advice - that was you. In any case, pointing fingers and screaming 'ha!' Doesn't make what I said any less true now, does it?

 

As I also mentioned yesterday to another poster - I am not a one dimensional person. I'm more than a MOW... my opinions are formed by my varied experiences with infidelity. Not just as a MOW. Mostly as a betrayed child whose family was split up by infidelity (and no, the irony is not lost on me so you can back away from all the obvious comments because this is your thread, not mine)

 

What are you doing to protect your husband and your marriage from MM? What are you REALLY doing. Don't say therapy because your lying to your therapist.

dont tell me no contact. Because I doubt you are in no contact.

 

What are you going to CHANGE about this situation, because your posts are just like Groundhog Day. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! jbrent is right - the only thing that will stop you is a dday. And the longer this continues the more likely it will happen, and the more likely it is that your husband will divorce you.

 

You've engaged in a long term affair with someone in your social circle who is friends with your husband and taunts you with the power he has over you. A series of really bad decisions means THE ONLY way for you to end this successfully is to confess. Or a dday. Nothing else you have tried works and by your own admission you "are fighting an addiction" and "can't stop". If this is true you are flat out of options. I keep hoping you will understand this. You are out of options. I get that you're angry at yourself for getting yourself in this situation - lashing out at me won't help.

 

Don't you see that the sooner you do this, the sooner you can move to healing, both you and he marriage? Because the ONLY reason you're not confessing is to protect yourself - at the cost of everything else.

 

 

I know that by confessing, would be the only way to completely move on. I get that, I really do. But I'm not holding back to protect myself. I'm holding back to protect my husband, my kids and mm family. You said it yourself, you're a victim of a family that was split up because of infidelity. Why should I put my kids through what you went through? I know, I should've thought about this before the affair, but crazy minds don't work like that.

 

My youngest daughter has many special needs. And on top of that, she literally only talks to me and my other two daughters. And they are, let's just say , behaviorally challenged, and are in therapy for their issues. What would happen if their mother was taken away? I'd say that would probably be a recipe for disaster. There is no doubt in my mind if my husband found out, he would take my kids away from me.

 

This is one of my many reasons why I'm not going to confess. I'd rather live in fear everyday of him confessing, then to come clean with something that maybe will just be put to rest.

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Nikki he is giving you attention. What you are upset about is that it's not happening on your terms. This was made evident when you stated in your previous thread that you were upset at the fact that MM wouldn't have sex with you. When he was your kitchen drinking beers with your husband and I think a part of you enjoyed that. It showed he was willing to go that far to get your attention. And no, nowhere in this thread or the previous thread did you say you wanted to end this for your family. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that you want to end this, but I think your doing it for wrong reasons. Your posts as of late leads me to believe that if MM was having sex with you or giving you the attention you want, this affair would not be over with, in fact, you would do everything in your power to keep this going. Even if this does end, you are still going to have a husband who you feel doesn't give you enough attention. I don't think you are going to be able to drag him to MC again without raising some questions on his end. My biggest fear though is if you end this, what happens when someone else comes along that gives you the attention you crave? You have already proven that you will have multiple affairs and fall back into an affair to get that attention. I'm not trying to beat you up but I want you to think about the points I raised.

 

You are right, if he was giving me the attention that first attracted me to him, I probably would still be in the affair. But he's not and he won't anymore. Being away from mm for so long, it's made me realize what a wonderful person my husband is. There are so many times I look at him and I feel so hurt for what I've done to him. People adore him. People have so much respect for him and I totally betrayed him. Unfortunately, it's not until now, that I've realized this about him. And I wish I could take it all back. But I cant.

 

Recently, I've told my husband that I crave attention from men. He is aware of this. Hates it, but he says he trusts that i wont act out on it. (Ugh)

 

There is a dad at my daughter's preschool that has asked me out several times. And it's getting to be pretty offensive. I told my husband, probably to get him a little jealous. And he wants to confront him. I won't tell H which dad it is. My H takes pictures of who he thinks it is, and he sends them to me, asking if that is him. Could you imagine what he would do if I confessed about my affair?

 

Yes, I admit, I was a little thrilled, when I thought his stalking behavior was because of me. But after I posted here and you guys pointed out his true motives, I was and still am terrified of what he planned on doing next. It truly blows to have your butt handed over to some prick. It's the price I pay, I guess.

 

I know you don't believe me. But I don't ever want to get myself in this situation again. It is way to much drama than I had ever imagined it would be.

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