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I want to get my mind right...


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...before I become the OW.

 

My Ex who I have not seen in 6 years has popped back up. Every 6 months we text to catch up. Well 2 years ago he neglected to tell me he had gotten married and was about to celebrate his 1 year anniversary. I happened to find out about his wedded bliss via all things....a selfie where his wedding band could clearly be seen.

 

Fast forward, after bitter fights for the non-disclosure, we resumed our friendship of checking in with each other every 6 months until now. In our most recent chat he tells me that he loves me & can not stop thinking about me & we should meet up. Truly I would luv to, but I have a golden rule of not messing around with married men.

 

Anywho...he is very guarded about sharing info regarding his wife or marriage, but in typical MM fashion will only say he is unhappy.

 

So my problem is this....my defenses are wearing down from his chatter of love & reminiscing of our prior electrifying sex life.

 

The other day our conversation was so intense, my heart hurt.

 

I am aware of all the bad embarking on this relationship can bring. There is a part of me that says put your big girl pants on. It's only sex so enjoy it while it lasts.

 

He is relentless & I fear he will win.

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...before I become the OW.

 

My Ex who I have not seen in 6 years has popped back up. Every 6 months we text to catch up. Well 2 years ago he neglected to tell me he had gotten married and was about to celebrate his 1 year anniversary. I happened to find out about his wedded bliss via all things....a selfie where his wedding band could clearly be seen.

 

Fast forward, after bitter fights for the non-disclosure, we resumed our friendship of checking in with each other every 6 months until now. In our most recent chat he tells me that he loves me & can not stop thinking about me & we should meet up. Truly I would luv to, but I have a golden rule of not messing around with married men.

 

Anywho...he is very guarded about sharing info regarding his wife or marriage, but in typical MM fashion will only say he is unhappy.

 

So my problem is this....my defenses are wearing down from his chatter of love & reminiscing of our prior electrifying sex life.

 

The other day our conversation was so intense, my heart hurt.

 

I am aware of all the bad embarking on this relationship can bring. There is a part of me that says put your big girl pants on. It's only sex so enjoy it while it lasts.

 

He is relentless & I fear he will win.

 

I've been in this situation...

 

I found it's best to have some basic requirements for myself...and for decency.

 

 

I told him when his divorce is final we could discuss things further. Until then, he is unavailable.

 

Every now and then he pops up out if nowhere - and my first question is always "are you still married?"

 

 

That's the ONLY thing that needs discussion when anyone is still married.

 

Notice he isn't offering YOU anything? Because he is married!

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I understand why he had not offered anything. We haven't seen each other in 6 years. Had he laid it all on the line I would be convinced he was crazy & I would be running for the hills.

 

What he has said is he is open to explore & will take things at my pace.

 

Why does my heart hurt so?

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...before I become the OW.

 

My Ex who I have not seen in 6 years has popped back up. Every 6 months we text to catch up. Well 2 years ago he neglected to tell me he had gotten married and was about to celebrate his 1 year anniversary. I happened to find out about his wedded bliss via all things....a selfie where his wedding band could clearly be seen.

 

Fast forward, after bitter fights for the non-disclosure, we resumed our friendship of checking in with each other every 6 months until now. In our most recent chat he tells me that he loves me & can not stop thinking about me & we should meet up. Truly I would luv to, but I have a golden rule of not messing around with married men.

 

Anywho...he is very guarded about sharing info regarding his wife or marriage, but in typical MM fashion will only say he is unhappy.

 

So my problem is this....my defenses are wearing down from his chatter of love & reminiscing of our prior electrifying sex life.

 

The other day our conversation was so intense, my heart hurt.

 

I am aware of all the bad embarking on this relationship can bring. There is a part of me that says put your big girl pants on. It's only sex so enjoy it while it lasts.

 

He is relentless & I fear he will win.

 

 

The bolded is your truth.

 

 

You can either violate your own truth and then wander through dysfunction, unhappiness, chaos, hell to get back to it or you can stick with it and live an authentic life. Those are really the only two choices.

 

 

If you make the wrong one, who knows how bad it will get, but its guaranteed it wont be good.

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Grapesofwrath
I understand why he had not offered anything. We haven't seen each other in 6 years. Had he laid it all on the line I would be convinced he was crazy & I would be running for the hills.

 

What he has said is he is open to explore & will take things at my pace.

 

Why does my heart hurt so?

 

Open to explore? He is not offering you anything but the opportunity to "explore" the misery that is being the OW. Do yourself a huge favor...do not move forward with this relationship. It's quicksand. so hard to get out.

 

Your heart hurts because you are feeling nostalgic over someone from your past. At one time, you had a romantic relationship with him and there is a sentimental attachment to the memories. We also tend to romanticize things from the past, remembering the good parts and not the bad. That relationship ended, for a reason, and he chose to marry someone else, also for a reason. He needs to work out his stuff on his own and not drag you or any other woman into the situation.

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I'm sure you are right about it being hell. I have experienced a bit of that àlready. We were texting/sexting & I wasn't into it 100%, so I stopped.

 

I have no doubt that he was so worked up that he went poking at his wife to finish. They probably had the best sex in awhile thanks to me getting him all hot & bothered. I can't fault him. She is his wife after all. This is bs I would have to look forward to if we connected. Additionally of course now well satisfied, I have not heard from him at all today.

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I understand why he had not offered anything. We haven't seen each other in 6 years. Had he laid it all on the line I would be convinced he was crazy & I would be running for the hills.

 

What he has said is he is open to explore & will take things at my pace.

 

Why does my heart hurt so?

 

It hurts because your gut knows he hasn't offered anything.

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I completely agree with velvette.

 

Compromise your principles for what simply amounts to a bit of fun sex on the side - and you effectively destroy yourself, your integrity, his vows to his wife, and her heart.

 

So let's say you're married to him - and he's contacting an ex, for sex.

 

Like the feeling...? I'm pretty sure you don't.....

 

Please, quit hanging on to what sounds nice, and focus instead on the reality of becoming the OW.

 

It's a thankless, joyless, aimless and ultimately soul-destroying task, because no matter how unhappy he SAYS he is, the fact that he's being deliberately vague about his marriage, and the fact that he has made no moves at all to either fix that through counselling, or finish that though divorce, speaks volumes.

He wants his cake, and to eat it.

And you'll do.

He's familiar with you, he knows what buttons to push and what makes you 'tick'.

 

Why exactly, did you break up?

The hot and 'electrifying' sex was obviously insufficient then, to keep you both together.

What drove you apart?

 

Remember that, then. because nothing has changed.

Except that he made promises to another woman; he vowed to be faithful to her through thick and thin.

 

And you're about to embark on the thin end of the wedge.

 

Don't.

Have some self-respect, contain and maintain your dignity - and tell him in no uncertain terms that you would really LOVE to get together with him.

And to let you know the instant his Decree Absolute Divorce comes through.

 

Does he have children....? I pray not...... But if he has, they have a scumball for a dad.....

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Healthier Me

If you're sexting him then you're already having an affair. It's just a baby step now to a ful-blown, physical affair.

There's still time to get out before you're really in deep, but you have to WANT to. It doesn't really sound like you do.

 

I wish you luck

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I truly want him out of my mind.

Pouf...like magic have no feelings for him, but how can I when he says things like:

 

"I am not done with you yet.

I want to make it with you over and over again."

 

May not sound like the most romantic statement, but it does sound like fun.

 

I told you my mind is not right:(.

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goodgirlgonebad15
I truly want him out of my mind.

Pouf...like magic have no feelings for him, but how can I when he says things like:

 

"I am not done with you yet.

I want to make it with you over and over again."

 

May not sound like the most romantic statement, but it does sound like fun.

 

I told you my mind is not right:(.

 

I assume he is referring to sex? What seems "fun" about it? Because he's an ex? Because he's married? Because it's taboo? And where is this fun expected to lead? How will this "fun" add to your life in the long run? Would you think it was "fun" if you were his wife?

 

Think on it.

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So this dude gets the time, energy and attention of TWO women, right?

 

And meanwhile you get 10% of a man's time, energy and attention...if that!

 

Can you see why he does this?

 

My question is why are you settling for so little?

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goodgirlgonebad15

I'm here to tell you that in a couple month's time, if you choose to go ahead with this, you will find nothing fun about it. Not a damn thing.

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You think your mind is having problems now wait until your so involved you wont be able to just back out and he starts playing you both like fools. You can just come back then and add your thread to all the other people here that was played. It sucks but you have control now. Shut this guy down and move on. Find someone worth your time.

 

Clay

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RoseVille
I understand why he had not offered anything. We haven't seen each other in 6 years. Had he laid it all on the line I would be convinced he was crazy & I would be running for the hills.

 

Right. That's called "manipulation." He wanted to hook you. Your entire interaction is based on dishonesty.

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I know you all are giving good advice. I should follow every word to the letter.

 

I can't help to think we may have something special. I have not seen him in six years, but in those 6 years there had not been a single day that I have not thought about him, pined for him. Not a single day in 6 years. He has shared he felt the same. Should I commit another 6 years to this agony?

 

Tell me how to purge him from my thoughts & heart.

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RoseVille
I truly want him out of my mind.

Pouf...like magic have no feelings for him, but how can I when he says things like:

 

"I am not done with you yet.

I want to make it with you over and over again."

 

May not sound like the most romantic statement, but it does sound like fun.

 

I told you my mind is not right:(.

 

"Not DONE with you yet"? Gross. He makes you sound like Kleenex to him that he hasn't quite used up enough, but as soon as he does, will toss in the trash.

 

You're worth so much more than this.

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whichwayisup

You need to find self respect and self love. He is your ex from 6 years ago and he's married. You only found out by accident, he didn't tell you the truth.

 

It would be a big BIG mistake to get involved and have an affair with him. You're already hurting a bit now, imagine how much pain you'll be in once you have sex with him and become too emotionally attached.

 

There are THOUSANDS of great single guys out there, don't waste your precious heart and life on someone who 1)is your ex 2)is married and omitted that fact from you. 3) He is capable of lying and cheating on his wife. Why on earth would you want that type of man??!!

 

If you choose this cheating pathway and become the OW, you'll have nobody to blame but yourself as you'd be going into this knowing full well who he is and he's married.

 

Tell him to call you when he's officially divorced, with proof in his hands (D papers). Until then, tell him to go away, block him and focus on real/true friends in your life, not a manipulator/user from your past.

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I know you all are giving good advice. I should follow every word to the letter.

 

I can't help to think we may have something special. I have not seen him in six years, but in those 6 years there had not been a single day that I have not thought about him, pined for him. Not a single day in 6 years. He has shared he felt the same. Should I commit another 6 years to this agony?

 

Tell me how to purge him from my thoughts & heart.

 

How?

 

You start to take control of yourself.

 

The less energy and time you focus on him the less you will think about him.

 

Not easy at first, only easier as time goes by without any contact.

 

He's had 6 years to change things - and he hasn't changed a thing!

 

You really want to know how to change it immediately? Send all his communications - texts and emails to his wife today!

 

That will show you how much he may love you.

 

See what the outcome of honesty brings.

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MuddyRock

His wife is a human. How can you do that to an innocent fellow Human.

 

you broke up for a reason. Remember that.

 

Something great? If he cheats with you how long until you bore him and he is cheating on you.

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GirlStillStrong

There is nothing but trouble and heartache down that path. I would walk away. Stop sexting with him.

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GoldieLox

 

"I am not done with you yet.

I want to make it with you over and over again."

 

May not sound like the most romantic statement, but it does sound like fun.

 

No he doesn't. Make it with you relationship wise? If he wanted to, he'd be divorced. Make it with you sex wise? Of course he does. He's a married man who wants some cake on the side, and he doesn't care whom he hurts in the process.

 

Being the OW is not fun. It's opening a portal to hell. I, too, had a golden rule of not getting involved with married men. I broke it for one man and threw my values, morals, and most of my dignity out the window the first day I kissed him back. Now, a year later, I'm struggling to save my marriage, falling apart at work, and in therapy to keep myself sane. You may or may not be married, and don't work with your ex, but I can bet my life on it... you'll end up in your own personal hell of sorts.

 

Does THAT sound like fun to you? Think wisely, OP.

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Southern Sun

Um, he wants you for sex. That's it. He's already tested your boundaries and you've "passed" with flying colors. You haven't seen him in six years and you're already sexting with him. You seem sort of proud of this, that you got him hot and bothered, which is disturbing.

 

You want to find a way to get him out of your heart? You're not even in his. Does that help? He wants you for sex and that is all. Shut it down or you will regret it.

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GoldieLox

 

You want to find a way to get him out of your heart? You're not even in his. Does that help?

 

Not sure if it helped the OP, but it sure helped me. Thanks Southern.

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