All the Single Ladies!

[circe221]

To all the single OW's out there - how do you handle dating if you are involved in an Affair?

 

To give a bit of background - I am single (divorced for 6 years - divorce had nothing to to with MM, was before I even started seeing him), in an A with a MM - more on him later - but also starting to think about dating.

 

After my divorce, I did not want to date right away, spent time doing the whole "on my own" thing, and to be honest, became almost too independent to the point where I didn't even want to date. Crossed paths with MM (who at the time was not M but was dating his now W). We started texting, Facebook messaging, that led to a few hook-ups, finally sex. MM then broke it off, and got engaged to woman who is now his wife.

 

I was not hurt because I was only in it for the sex and didn't want a relationship with him or anyone else at that point anyway. Basically told him goodbye, good luck, wish you the best, etc. etc. etc.

 

Went on a few dates since but nothing serious.

 

Fast forward 2 years. MM pops back up, we start seeing each other again for sex. W is pregnant, and MM feels "trapped" - blah blah blah nonsense..lol!

 

Anyway, I am thinking of dating again, maybe trying online dating. MM asks me if I'm seeing anyone, and I'm not so I honestly just say no.

 

To the single girls who have MM's - do you tell them you are dating or wait until you meet someone you are serious about?

 

Since I am not looking for MM to leave his wife, and am only in it for the sex, not sure how to proceed.

 

Also, to other single OW's out there, does anyone else NOT want MM to leave his wife? I feel that I must be in the minority because I don't. Not sure if that is the case...

[Popsicle]

Wait until you meet someone serious and the minute you do, dump MM and never speak to him again.

[MissBee]

To all the single OW's out there - how do you handle dating if you are involved in an Affair?

 

To give a bit of background - I am single (divorced for 6 years - divorce had nothing to to with MM, was before I even started seeing him), in an A with a MM - more on him later - but also starting to think about dating.

 

After my divorce, I did not want to date right away, spent time doing the whole "on my own" thing, and to be honest, became almost too independent to the point where I didn't even want to date. Crossed paths with MM (who at the time was not M but was dating his now W). We started texting, Facebook messaging, that led to a few hook-ups, finally sex. MM then broke it off, and got engaged to woman who is now his wife.

 

I was not hurt because I was only in it for the sex and didn't want a relationship with him or anyone else at that point anyway. Basically told him goodbye, good luck, wish you the best, etc. etc. etc.

 

Went on a few dates since but nothing serious.

 

Fast forward 2 years. MM pops back up, we start seeing each other again for sex. W is pregnant, and MM feels "trapped" - blah blah blah nonsense..lol!

 

Anyway, I am thinking of dating again, maybe trying online dating. MM asks me if I'm seeing anyone, and I'm not so I honestly just say no.

 

To the single girls who have MM's - do you tell them you are dating or wait until you meet someone you are serious about?

 

Since I am not looking for MM to leave his wife, and am only in it for the sex, not sure how to proceed.

 

Also, to other single OW's out there, does anyone else NOT want MM to leave his wife? I feel that I must be in the minority because I don't. Not sure if that is the case...

 

In the case of your MM, if it's just sex, you know the stuff he is saying is nonsense, you don't want him to leave, you have no reason to lie about dating to him. There is no reason you shouldn't be upfront about dating if you are, given this situation. I understand it in the case where the OW is in love with the MM and all this and feels like she is "betraying" him, but in your case that's not what's occurring so I'm sure you can be frank.

 

In my own case I was in love with him but I also felt it was foolish to be devoted to him 100% given that he wasn't to me. I dated throughout the whole A. Needless to say though, it's hard to have your commitment in two places and I was emotionally unavailable to other men. I simply didn't bother to tell him about my dates, even though sometimes I did and he would get jealous and angry. I was actually more concerned about what to tell the other guy about my situation with him. I think that's more important also in your case. If you're serious about meeting someone else, it's probably gonna be easier if you aren't with MM and don't have to potentially ruin a good thing with a new guy because of this A on the side, which for the most part, most sane men looking for a gf will see red flags all over if they find out. You can of course choose to not tell them about it, but I guess you have to think about if you can feasibly look for someone else while seeing MM and if you can break it off with him if you do find someone so your R isn't starting off with a lie.

[circe221]

Wait until you meet someone serious and the minute you do, dump MM and never speak to him again.

 

Popsicle - that is kind of what I was thinking. Great minds think alike!

[Sassy Girl]

No, I don't want MM to leave his wife... But I'm a MOW.

 

That being said, when I was single I never wanted to share, so doubt I would be a single OW.

 

Just be open and honest. Do your own thing. But if you want your other relationships to succeed, you might want to consider how his one could derail those plans

[circe221]

 

In my own case I was in love with him but I also felt it was foolish to be devoted to him 100% given that he wasn't to me. I dated throughout the whole A. Needless to say though, it's hard to have your commitment in two places and I was emotionally unavailable to other men. I simply didn't bother to tell him about my dates, even though sometimes I did and he would get jealous and angry. I was actually more concerned about what to tell the other guy about my situation with him. I think that's more important also in your case. If you're serious about meeting someone else, it's probably gonna be easier if you aren't with MM and don't have to potentially ruin a good thing with a new guy because of this A on the side, which for the most part, most sane men looking for a gf will see red flags all over if they find out. You can of course choose to not tell them about it, but I guess you have to think about if you can feasibly look for someone else while seeing MM and if you can break it off with him if you do find someone so your R isn't starting off with a lie.

 

If you don't mind my asking, how actively were you dating? I actually get annoyed by dates, so I don't see it happening more than 1 or 2 times a month. But I would like to eventually meet someone. I keep hoping it will happen naturally, but am open to online dating. Did you tell guys that you dated about MM or affair? I wouldn't, but just curious. I haven't told anyone else about it at all, and was absolutely thrilled to find this board! Finally I can vent!

[circe221]

No, I don't want MM to leave his wife... But I'm a MOW.

 

That being said, when I was single I never wanted to share, so doubt I would be a single OW.

 

Just be open and honest. Do your own thing. But if you want your other relationships to succeed, you might want to consider how his one could derail those plans

 

Good points.

I guess up until now it was fine because I wasn't dating and only wanted the sex. Now that I am finding myself thinking about dating again and a relationship (with someone other than MM) I was conflicted with how to proceed. I will probably keep seeing MM for sex, and when I start dating, stop seeing him. I won't feel bad either, since he's the one who has been having his cake and eating it too. lol

[Popsicle]

Popsicle - that is kind of what I was thinking. Great minds think alike!

 

Yes. xMM asked me several times if I was seeing other men, to which I said no, which was the truth, but it was clear that he would have been upset and jealous if I did, which of course is extremely hypocritical of him, but that's another topic, and I just reassured him that I wasn't and let the topic drop and avoided it after that.

 

If you start dating, I still don't recommend telling him. It's none of his business, but if you get serious with someone and/or start having sex then you need to never speak to or see MM again.

Edited May 3, 2015 by Popsicle

[MissBee]

If you don't mind my asking, how actively were you dating? I actually get annoyed by dates, so I don't see it happening more than 1 or 2 times a month. But I would like to eventually meet someone. I keep hoping it will happen naturally, but am open to online dating. Did you tell guys that you dated about MM or affair? I wouldn't, but just curious. I haven't told anyone else about it at all, and was absolutely thrilled to find this board! Finally I can vent!

 

I don't remember how often, but my A was also long distance, so what I mean is that I was always still looking to date, I never turned down dates, I had sex with other people. I was actually a virgin when the A started and I lost my virginity to someone other than him.

 

I didn't bring it up casually, but in the context of my serious relationships when our past came up or have you cheated and so on, I'm honest about having been in the OW role before. I wasn't in any serious relationships during the A. I just saw them casually. After the A though I think all my serious bfs knew I had been in that situation before. But I'm also long removed from it so in how I talk about it they can tell it's the past and not something I'm proud of or would do again, versus I tell them it happened just last month or last week, which might be a little different.

 

But I think finding out someone's beliefs and values about such matters is definitely important in a relationship and I also don't believe in hiding my past or downplaying things so I can seem a particular way. If you're with me I want it to be because you know the whole truth and accept it so I don't have to worry about you finding out later or keeping up appearances.

[Grapesofwrath]

I have consistently dated throughout the A, though the more attached we got the less I dated. Direct inverse proportion. XMM knew I was dating and would ask me if I wanted to tell him about the dates, which I didn't. He didn't get jealous or angry, and frankly that always bothered me a little. If he "loved" me, wouldn't he be jealous?

 

Anyway, I agree that if you really want to find a bf, then end it with the mm first. I tried to keep the A going while looking for a be, and I wasn't able to compartmentalism to that degree. Plus, the A took up most of my free time. Clear all of that out of your head/heart/life, and then set about imaging properly. If all you want is sex, you can easily get that without all the problems of an A.

[eye of the storm]

I dated thru most of my A. I was always honest with my MM that I was dating and informed the men I went out with that I was also dating someone else

 

 

I did end up getting kinda serious with one guy so I stopped dating the MM for awhile. We stayed friends. When we realized we wanted different things in life the single guy and I parted as friends and I started dating the MM again.

 

 

I have no clue why you would be afraid of telling someone that you know is in a relationship with someone other than yourself that you are doing the same thing.

 

 

Dating can be fun, it can also be a drag. LOL just like most things in life.

 

 

I hope you find someone you are happy with.

[bentleychic]

I've dated a few times and I do tell MM. 1)Because he's on my facebook and will see if I go somewhere and ask me plus if I "check in" with someone he'd see it anyway. 2)Because I try to be 100% up front. I've never lied to him and don't intend to now. Supposedly we've both been brutally honest with each other from day 1 so I don't see why I'd keep that from him.

 

I have found that although it's nice to date and keep my weekends busy with dates, it's really kind of pointless since I am incredibly in love with this man. It's not fair to the potential dates (if they want more than casual dating) and it's not fair to me really to play tug of war with my heart/self. It can be very conflicting. I did date a GREAT guy for 3 months, we had a great relationship...but it was really just a great companionship/friendship. There was never a CLICK or chemistry and he felt it too so we mutually decided to go our separate ways. (Ironically enough, he ended up going back to the girl that he was dating before me, too so hmmm...lol)

Edited May 3, 2015 by bentleychic

[RoseVille]

My (ex? not sure)MM has asked me a couple times if I'm dating, and has said that he'd understand if I needed to end things to focus on my new relationship, if I had one. That kinda hurt my feelings. Either way, I never told him if I was or wasn't. I have been open to dating, and have been out here and there, but unfortunately haven't met an available guy who I'm really all that interested in.

[still_an_Angel]

I never wanted my MM to leave his family, nor him wanting the same of me, that was agreed upon by us in the early stages of our relationship. I have very young children when our A started and after all the ongoing drama with my stbxh, I don't want my children to get hurt further. I think most of the time, its me who struggles to find time for MM as I juggle full time work and all my kids. Its me who cannot commit to a full on R.

 

 

MM has always said that he doesn't mind if I see other people, he does not want to stand in the way if ever I find somebody and would want a full on relationship with that person. So I've been going on coffee dates, dinners, movies, etc with other men who I find interesting, but nothing has come out of these dates. MM knows all about them. This must be something of a reverse effect, because although I see other people, I always come back to MM.

[Poppy47]

Popsicle - that is kind of what I was thinking. Great minds think alike!

 

If you are using him for sex and you have no emotional investment, it should be very easy to dump him.

 

You don't owe him ANYTHING.

 

Poppy.

[coryreply]

What if his W found out about A and divorced him? Would you be interested in being with him in a committed relationship? Just curious...

[RoseVille]

What if his W found out about A and divorced him? Would you be interested in being with him in a committed relationship? Just curious...

 

If he leaves her or she leaves him, yes, I would.

[circe221]

What if his W found out about A and divorced him? Would you be interested in being with him in a committed relationship? Just curious...

 

Nope.

And not just because he cheated on her.

I just don't think we would be compatible for a lifelong relationship.

We are very sexually compatible, and have fun together, but that's about it.

He is 9 years younger than me, so maybe that is a factor.

[GypsumSatellite]

I started out going on dates with others midway our first year because dates didn't mean sex. I can't sleep with two people at the same time. MM wanted to know if I had dates and he threw tantrums when I did. It got a bit old but he upped his game and made the R with him more worthwhile. When the R flagged a bit, I drifted back into a few casual dates out. I didn't tell him about those because it's not like he tells me when him and his W go out on a date. I've had the hilarious misfortune to run into them one night and he looked about ready to bolt for the nearest door!

 

In my opinion, it's a better deal all around if you back off from the R with the MM and pursue someone else with all your attention intact. People know when we're unavailable. Even people just looking for sex aren't going to stick around for someone not there emotionally at some level.

[ttfn555]

My situation is different in that we dated while he was separated and broke up when he felt had to try to reconcile with the thought that if he does follow through with divorce, we could try to have a normal relationship. However, after reading everything here, I doubt he will do it and do I really want someone like this?

[mokamint7]

My AP isn't married, but he does live with his gf. I'm not dating currently but have on and off over the last 9 years. My AP knows if I start dating someone seriously, I'd cut him off. If anything starts to become serious I would probably give him a heads up though. Just let him know if the opportunity presents its self you'd date someone. That way he knows that if something did become serious you and he couldn't be together anymore. I just recently stopped fighting our relationship and have embraced it and weirdly I don't want him to leave his gf either lol. We text all day everyday, even on the weekends, and usually see each other once a week. I have three young children so at this point I'm really okay with my set up. I wish I could see him more, but other than that he adds to my life and I appreciate him for that. So you're not the only one.

[Giggle]

I tell him everything. Theoretically he's honest with me but I'm quite bonkers over the man so it's hard not to say. This guy started texting me this afternoon and was flirting and I told my mm. Lol. It's just hard to want anybody else to touch me.

 

We text all day long everyday. Or we did until his wife saw some messages a month ago after a year. Now he's not talking when she's with him, so after work so now it would be much easier. It was major awkward to think of going on a date with someone when I knew he'd message and I always message right back. But it doesn't quite seem fair to date someone when I'm emotionally entangled elsewhere. You aren't, so I wouldn't make a point of telling him.

[ttfn555]

My x MM man and I were not really together very long until he felt he had to try MC one more time during their separation, in order to really decide on divorce. When I said "if you do divorce and are free, give me a call", he said "I'm coming back to you when this is done, but what if during that time apart you meet the perfect man?" I said, "if you love me you should be happy for me". Looking for Mr. Perfect right now!

[mitz36]

UI am still meeting single guys in hopes of finding a connection. I don't see my MM that often and we've never discussed me dating, were not in a R so why would we? Hes even seen me out walking with another guy and never brought it up. Honestly I'm glad cuz I don't want it to turn into anything more than sex.

if and when I meet someone worth it I will end it with MM no problem, I'm not one to sleep with more than one person.

I actually made out with an attractive single guy last week in hopes of replacing MM, but sadly it was a horrible experience. Lol I did not sleep with him and haven't decided if i want to try him out again. Single guy also knows about my MM and that I'm not a slut. I'm an honest person, too honest sometimes! Lol

Edited May 12, 2015 by mitz36

[devastated777]

I date others...tell MM all about them...well mostly. He gives me advice. He says he wants me to find the right one that would deserve me. He says he wants me for as long as I can continue yet he wants me to be happy with a great person. His only request is I let him know when I sleep with someone else.