Southern Sun Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Can I get opinions as to why xMM would keep popping in, when we have agreed, multiple times, that it is over? We had an agreeable, official goodbye. I shut down the secret email. He broke NC through a regular email I had. We went back and forth for a bit, and then I blocked him. He has now emailed again through an old email account I keep for online registrations so all my 'junk' stuff can go there. I have not responded. I have begun to see things very differently since ending the affair. I feel like he did at one point have genuine feelings for me, but it feels like it evolved into a major focus on the physical side for him. It's not like he's asking me for any sort of 'real' relationship. So what in the world does he want??? Ideas? I mean, I'm thinking - this needs to be over, talking to you or seeing you doesn't help it be over, so I'm not going to do that. What am I missing? Could he just miss me? Is he hoping for sex? What the heck? What goes on in the minds of these men? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Focus on the physical. Check. Doesn't want a real relationship. Check. If I had to guess, I think you answered your own question. What's going thru their minds? He wants an ego stroke and something else, that's what. He wants to see if he can bait you and you'll give in. Don't do it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 He is checking to see if maybe you have softened up and would be willing to, once again, give him what he wants. He is checking to see if you are available for sex, and also to feed his ego. It would be such a HUGE ego stroke if he could get you to get back into the affair after saying good-bye and ending it for good reason. Don't do it!! He is not offering you anything here. If he has scanned and attached a copy of his signed divorce papers, then maybe you have something to talk about. Otherwise, this is just him trying to win. Don't let him. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 If he has scanned and attached a copy of his signed divorce papers, then maybe you have something to talk about. Otherwise, this is just him trying to win. Don't let him. Ditto!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Well what was the reasons he gave for breaking NC this time? What did he say? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Can I get opinions as to why xMM would keep popping in, when we have agreed, multiple times, that it is over? We had an agreeable, official goodbye. I shut down the secret email. He broke NC through a regular email I had. We went back and forth for a bit, and then I blocked him. He has now emailed again through an old email account I keep for online registrations so all my 'junk' stuff can go there. I have not responded. I have begun to see things very differently since ending the affair. I feel like he did at one point have genuine feelings for me, but it feels like it evolved into a major focus on the physical side for him. It's not like he's asking me for any sort of 'real' relationship. So what in the world does he want??? Ideas? I mean, I'm thinking - this needs to be over, talking to you or seeing you doesn't help it be over, so I'm not going to do that. What am I missing? Could he just miss me? Is he hoping for sex? What the heck? What goes on in the minds of these men? I have to ask, is there a part of you that enjoys the fact that he continues to conatact you? I actually know the answer, because if you didn't you would have made it clear to him either by your words or actions, actions being to tel your husband and get him involved. Exposing the affair and so on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Who knows. Five years later and mine is still trying to weasel in. He sent me a photo of his divorce papers a week or 2 ago (unsigned ). And he keeps sending emails asking me to just talk to him and hear him out, because I don't answer the phone unless the number is in my contacts. Delete, delete, delete. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 My xMM does this too. I figure he'll eventually tire/get bored and stop if I'm not feeding him in the same way he was used to and wanting. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Threaten to tell his wife. Problem solved 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 I am also married. I had a D Day (he did not). I am trying to make my marriage right and he knows this. The last time he broke NC he DID proposition me. I blocked him and here he is again through another avenue. I just can't believe the sheer lack of awareness of my position. Is it disrespect? Or he just wants what he wants? I think he would want me to believe it's just because he can't help himself because of how strongly he feels about me. But really, isn't it an insult at the end of the day? It baffles me. Grrrr. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 Well what was the reasons he gave for breaking NC this time? What did he say? He didn't say. He just asked if I would call him. He's always vague, which is something I have ALWAYS hated. I almost think he does it on purpose to get me to respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 I have to ask, is there a part of you that enjoys the fact that he continues to conatact you? I actually know the answer, because if you didn't you would have made it clear to him either by your words or actions, actions being to tel your husband and get him involved. Exposing the affair and so on. No, I do not enjoy it at all. It makes me sick to my stomach. No. You are wrong. I am the one that finally gained the strength to disappear on him and block his ways of contacting me. I did not know he had this random email. I do not want the trauma and drama of a big blow up. I am trying to disappear and have him do the same. WE as a family are trying to move on with our lives, not the opposite. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 Who knows. Five years later and mine is still trying to weasel in. He sent me a photo of his divorce papers a week or 2 ago (unsigned ). And he keeps sending emails asking me to just talk to him and hear him out, because I don't answer the phone unless the number is in my contacts. Delete, delete, delete. He is still trying 5 years later and you literally never give him anything? Oh, good grief. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 No, I do not enjoy it at all. It makes me sick to my stomach. No. You are wrong. I am the one that finally gained the strength to disappear on him and block his ways of contacting me. I did not know he had this random email. I do not want the trauma and drama of a big blow up. I am trying to disappear and have him do the same. WE as a family are trying to move on with our lives, not the opposite. Your attempts to avoid conflict may backfire. Why chance it? What if your husband was to catch one of his emails or attempts to contact you and you haven't been honest about it, how do you explain it? Because he won't believe you. I'm of the camp that if you really don't want something then you will do what it takes to make it stop. Your actions or lack of suggests that you don't really want him to stop. I say this because your asking questions and making comments that shouldn't matter, such as "why?" And "he never wanted a real relationship" that really gives me a window into your true desires. I'll keep my opinion to myself about that. Simply put, he knows that if he hammers away you will cave, sounds like its working. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I am also married. I had a D Day (he did not). I am trying to make my marriage right and he knows this. The last time he broke NC he DID proposition me. I blocked him and here he is again through another avenue. I just can't believe the sheer lack of awareness of my position. Is it disrespect? Or he just wants what he wants? I think he would want me to believe it's just because he can't help himself because of how strongly he feels about me. But really, isn't it an insult at the end of the day? It baffles me. Grrrr. Well you both are married so that's double the hurdle. He is just hoping that you'll cave and go back to how it was. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Don't respond, that will speak volumes. He is doing it because he wants what ever connection to you he can get. Selfish...especially if you told him you needed it to be done and wanted NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 (edited) Sex. He wants sex. He's not getting it at home or at least doesn't like the type that is served at home. So he wants sex. You are a known quantity. He liked having sex with you. It is no different than when a single guy hits up all his ex-GF's. He sees this as the shortest, safest and most direct route to that sex he wants. Especially for a MM. Addendum: If you really want to make his disappear for good do this. Reply to his email with a "Don't ever contact me again. I've copied my husband on this email" and CC: your husband. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, make a fake gmail account in your husband's name (e.g. [email protected]). I guarantee you your xMM's balls will shrink back inside of him. Edited April 27, 2015 by Mrin 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 Your attempts to avoid conflict may backfire. Why chance it? What if your husband was to catch one of his emails or attempts to contact you and you haven't been honest about it, how do you explain it? Because he won't believe you. I'm of the camp that if you really don't want something then you will do what it takes to make it stop. Your actions or lack of suggests that you don't really want him to stop. I say this because your asking questions and making comments that shouldn't matter, such as "why?" And "he never wanted a real relationship" that really gives me a window into your true desires. I'll keep my opinion to myself about that. Simply put, he knows that if he hammers away you will cave, sounds like its working. I know I don't have to defend myself to strangers on the internet, but I feel so strongly about this, and finally been making RIGHT decisions, that I am going to here. I really thought that he would just let me be. I really did. I suppose if he refuses I will have to bring my husband into it and this will turn into a big freaking mess again. Your comments about my 'lack of actions' kind of get my hackles up, because after all this time, I have finally taken action. We had the goodbye conversation. I have not broken NC once. HE has and I've blocked him. I disappeared this last time and now here he is again. I am the only one taking right action. Sure, I guess there is a part of me that has always wanted to understand the 'why' of things, understand his motivations, even though it is done and I want it that way. And me stating anything about how he never offered me a real relationship was just to make a point - I don't even want one from him. It's over. That's a good thing and the way it should be. It's just ironic that he keeps showing up. Like, is it really just for sex and he's trying to pass it off as something more? I just shake my head. I don't know if you're trying to use reverse psychology on me or what. But I am done with the affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 (edited) Because after DDay you still engaged in deception with him... kept contact and didn't break it off. Her knows you're good for some more. After all... you didn't mean it the last time, did you? He's capitalising on the fact that you have lied to and deceived your husband since D Day. In his mind, you already chose him over your husband Edited April 27, 2015 by Sassy Girl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 Because after DDay you still engaged in deception with him... kept contact and didn't break it off. Her knows you're good for some more. After all... you didn't mean it the last time, did you? He's capitalising on the fact that you have lied to and deceived your husband since D Day. In his mind, you already chose him over your husband I did continue speaking with him after D Day. But one has to START, right? We said goodbye almost two months ago. I thought we mutually agreed to start then. He has broken the agreement since then twice now, while I haven't at all. So at what point do I start getting any credit for being on the side of my marriage? I have not chosen him since the goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Sex. He wants sex. Yep. Really, what's the big mystery? I know you're feeling bad about it but his intentions should be crystal clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Yep. Really, what's the big mystery? I know you're feeling bad about it but his intentions should be crystal clear. Because all men ever want from women is sex. Is that what you're saying? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I did continue speaking with him after D Day. But one has to START, right? We said goodbye almost two months ago. I thought we mutually agreed to start then. He has broken the agreement since then twice now, while I haven't at all. So at what point do I start getting any credit for being on the side of my marriage? I have not chosen him since the goodbye. By not being honest with your husband about continued contact, and yes you have broken NC, you said so in this thread that you emailed back and forth with him, you aren't being on the side of your marriage, as long as you protect him and his marriage you are not on the side of your marriage. He won't simply let it go. Why should he? What's the downside? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 Yep. Really, what's the big mystery? I know you're feeling bad about it but his intentions should be crystal clear. Actually, this is helpful to me. I am a notorious softie about this, wondering if he's feeling bad or sad or hurt or some BS. It's been a huge down-fall for me throughout the affair and a major contributor to why it continued for as long as it did. I think he knows this about me and has used it to get what he wants. I need the black and white. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Southern Sun Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 By not being honest with your husband about continued contact, and yes you have broken NC, you said so in this thread that you emailed back and forth with him, you aren't being on the side of your marriage, as long as you protect him and his marriage you are not on the side of your marriage. He won't simply let it go. Why should he? What's the downside? I responded to his break and then we just reinstituted the silence. Sorry, not perfect. I have never reached out and I won't respond this time. Link to post Share on other sites
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