this isn't the first time but i need it to be the last time

[neverdonethisbefore]

This is a real catch 22 situation.

 

I have posted before about my AP. He has had two affairs previous to me. I found out they were 20 years apart.

 

He is not happy in his marriage ( doesn't take a genius to figure that out), happily married people don't have affairs. He left his wife during his last affair.

 

My own marriage is on it's way out. My husband told me last night that i can't fix what he's unhappy about. But that really is another story. I am in IC to work out what it is that i really want. We were happily married. 10 years ago before our child - we had a great marriage but... it died. I don't think we can resurrect it.

 

But that's not my catch 22 situation. My affair is. Mm isn't strong enough to end it with me but i'm fairly sure he wants to. I'm not strong enough to end it with him because i don't want to. I asked him today if he wanted out. He said he did.

 

I thought that was it. I asked him why and he told me he didn't want to end it but he can't see us lasting the 18 months until we are together. He said he loves me and he always will but we are so unhappy apart. He said he doesn't want to end it. Which is odd because i thought he said he did. Anyway, we talked and he changed his mind but... i think he really does want out - he just can't bring himself to do it.

 

I know i should leave... i know i should.

 

I just don't have the strength because i still stupidly hope we can have a future together.

[Satu]

Here is your solution:

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

Anything else just leads to more pain.

[whatatangledweb]

If he doesn't think you both can still be together in a year and a half then how can he see you together for years? I'm sorry but I think he does want out but doesn't want to hurt you. I think that is why he backtracked while talking to you.

[gettingstronger]

Ever seen the movie "That Awkward Moment"? This is the "so..." moment-the one where one person wants more and the other wants out but doesn't want to take the blame-

[anika99]

Why can't you be together until 18 mnths pass? What happens in 18 months?

If this is true love and you two are meant to be together then why can't the MM wait 18 months? When your 10 yrs old 18 months sounds like forever but once you're an adult you realize that 18 months is really a small amount of time.

 

 

I don't really think this is a catch 22, I think it's a guy who just doesn't see this affair becoming a real relationship and he doesn't want it to. I think he wants to end it before you leave your husband and then start insisting that he leave too.

[MuddyRock]

People that are happily married have affairs all the time. Affairs usually have to do with selfish people with never ending need for ego strokes.

 

He has not left after 3 affairs. Proceed with caution. Even if he left who who will be his other women then?

Edited April 12, 2015 by MuddyRock

[neverdonethisbefore]

His words were that he doesn't want to end it but we are so unhappy when we are apart (it's a long distance relationship) that he feels we will destroy what we have before we can be together.

 

He said he has always loved me and will always love me (we've been friends for a long time) and he said that it breaks his heart to say these things.

 

So i don't know. I'm really confused. I have a horrible idea that he does want to go as you say. He says he doesn't but then he says he does.

 

I really don't know. He has been very honest (as far as i know) about his previous affairs and what happened. He did leave the last time but he went back with the intention of never leaving.

 

I am feeling so sad and awful. I don't know what to do. I don't want to end it in case i'm wrong but i can't stay and wait for him to finally go - that would be torture. I really don't know what to do.

[jellybean89]

Find your dignity and self respec.

 

He told you he wants out. Hello! Wake up. Why in the world would you try to make him stay with you? OW constantly diss BS who stay in a MARRIAGE when their spouse allegedly says he wants out (I say allegedly cause 99% of what an OW hears is from the cheater..his story. I would bet his spouse has a different story). And here is an OW who was told by the cheater TWICE that he wants out, yet she hangs on. Why??? Find your self respect and let it end.

 

ETA: what is impossible? What is a catch 22? He wants out. You don't want to let go. That's not an impossible situation. The a situation of you choosing to stay with a guy who wants out.

[HappyAgain2014]

It's not really impossible if you listen to what he's saying.

 

He has said he wants the affair to end. That's reality. If he really loved you and was committed to being with you, he'd never say that or let you go.

 

No matter what else he says, he doesn't want or value your relationship. If he's willing to let you go, that tells you everything you need to know.

 

People in love MAKE things happen. The idea of being without the one they love is inconceivable.

 

This 18 month timeframe is apparently his deadline. I believe he knows he won't go through with it and he doesn't want to hear about it for the next 18 months. That's why he's telling you he wants it to end. Quite simply, the affair isn't fun anymore. It's an obligation and he already has a wife for those types of discussions.

[Grapesofwrath]

His words were that he doesn't want to end it but we are so unhappy when we are apart (it's a long distance relationship) that he feels we will destroy what we have before we can be together.

 

He said he has always loved me and will always love me (we've been friends for a long time) and he said that it breaks his heart to say these things.

 

So i don't know. I'm really confused. I have a horrible idea that he does want to go as you say. He says he doesn't but then he says he does.

 

I really don't know. He has been very honest (as far as i know) about his previous affairs and what happened. He did leave the last time but he went back with the intention of never leaving.

 

I am feeling so sad and awful. I don't know what to do. I don't want to end it in case i'm wrong but i can't stay and wait for him to finally go - that would be torture. I really don't know what to do.

 

NDTB: I know this is hard to hear, and really painful. Here's what I get from what you describe: He wants out. He wants to avoid conflict and high drama, and he isn't good at ending relationships. Ultimately, the question is whether this is something you want in your life. Do you want to be with a man who has had multiple affairs, returned to his marriage to work it out, and then cheated again?

 

I think, deep inside, you do know. It's just too painful to face. By hanging on, you are delaying the pain and delaying the healing. This is not the man for you. Let it go.

[Darren Steez]

Am exit affair that someone doesn't want to exit because exiting would mean being alone.

[jwi71]

This is a real catch 22 situation.

 

No it isn't.

 

He is not happy in his marriage ( doesn't take a genius to figure that out), happily married people don't have affairs. He left his wife during his last affair.

 

...and clearly went back to her. You may not believe his words but you sure as ***** better pay attention to his actions. His actions say...I'm not leaving.

 

My own marriage is on it's way out. My husband told me last night that i can't fix what he's unhappy about. But that really is another story. I am in IC to work out what it is that i really want. We were happily married. 10 years ago before our child - we had a great marriage but... it died. I don't think we can resurrect it.

 

Then file for D.

Simple and easy.

What's stopping you?

 

But that's not my catch 22 situation. My affair is. Mm isn't strong enough to end it with me but i'm fairly sure he wants to. I'm not strong enough to end it with him because i don't want to. I asked him today if he wanted out. He said he did.

 

No catch 22 here. His PAST says he inst leaving and he straight up told you he wasn't. There ya go. He's done with this A. Cut and dry.

 

The problem is YOU. YOU don't want to let go and he does. So let go or be a bunny boiler.

 

I thought that was it. I asked him why and he told me he didn't want to end it but he can't see us lasting the 18 months until we are together. He said he loves me and he always will but we are so unhappy apart. He said he doesn't want to end it. Which is odd because i thought he said he did. Anyway, we talked and he changed his mind but... i think he really does want out - he just can't bring himself to do it.

 

I know i should leave... i know i should.

 

Then why don't you?

 

Why would you want to stay in a state where he contradicts himself with what he wants? Why put yourself through that? Why suffer those ups and downs at his WHIM. One minute its wait it out 18 months, the next its "I'm done". F_ck that.

 

I just don't have the strength because i still stupidly hope we can have a future together.

 

Ok, what must happen for you two to be together? Lets explore that.

 

Well, by together I presume M. In order for that you must be D from current spouses. That's easy. So step one for you is to file for D tomorrow. At some point, he will need to decide to D his W (we'll ignore his past track record). Now, with both of you D, you can get M. Happily ever after right?

Not so fast. Neither of you two strike me as happy people. I think we all agree that a M with one unhappy person is going to be "not enjoyable" - so I wonder what happens when BOTH are unhappy. So maybe step 1.5 is...IC for both so you can each work through the emotions and then history of cheating. Now, you are in IC (great!) so I would think we would want him to do the same...to uncover the roots of his unhappiness. After that, I think the path is clear.

 

So, yes, its possible. Just difficult. And mostly because we don't get to control the other party - whose past is not suggestive of him wanting POSITIVE change. An A is just a band-aid...a way of sweeping issues under the rug so to speak - its a negative action.

 

I think a future is possible provided the above. Lets just say you need a year to get D - provided you file tomorrow. Two years IC (both during and after the D). SO I would peg your true readiness somewhere at 2-3 years from tomorrow provided you file tomorrow. Lets just assume the same amount of time for him - but I think for him its longer.

 

So...provided you file for D tomorrow...you can get M to him in say 4 years if all goes well.

 

The reality of it all is each uses the other as a crutch to escape the unhappiness each currently feels. Almost by definition its an unhealthy R.

I don;t care if you D or not or M the OM or not...what I want is for YOU to choose healthy means forward and STOP this painful and destructive behavior. This A, for you, may be an exit A. The proof that you can be happy again - just not with your current H (and almost certainly not with the OM).

 

I would end the A, get a D and work on yourself to find happiness inside you FIRST. Then everything else will fall into place for you (and maybe not with your OM...maybe another guy...who knows).

 

Its your life and your choice. And your consequence.

[loveboid]

MM wants to end the affair and you're still hanging on why? That's completely disrespectful behavior of yours. The proper response is, "Okay," and then stop contacting him.

 

I'm thinking he backtracked because when he told you the truth that he wanted out you didn't say okay...instead you gave him an angry or bad response. To me the fact that you're still hanging on to him when he said he wanted out proves that point and paints you acting the pushy, clingy, needy, disrespectful, rejected lover here.

 

This MM and you not strong enough to end it stuff is nonsense. To me he did end it...you're just acting bunny boiler about it. Don't even pretend you have a chance to be strong and end it now. It only takes one person to end a relationship and he did it first. I believe you need to gracefully accept it.

[goodyblue]

This is serious advice. If you truly want to know what he wants, go dark. See how hard he tries to reach you. If he really loves you he will go to The moon and back. If he wants out he will make a few pitiable tries and then go away. To me it just sounds like he doesnt want it to be his fault.

Edited April 12, 2015 by goodyblue

[neverdonethisbefore]

Goodyblue, i have considered that. The only reason i haven't done it is because i would be distraught if he did that to me. What would i tell him about why I ignored him and how would it make our relationship better? Those are serious questions.

[goodyblue]

Goodyblue, i have considered that. The only reason i haven't done it is because i would be distraught if he did that to me. What would i tell him about why I ignored him and how would it make our relationship better?

 

I mean this very kindly... he has had other affairs. This is not one of those situations in which he will leave his wife and you will end up together. You have to come to terms with that. He will not leave. You don't deserve to be upset and you can do better. Have faith in yourself.

 

If you go dark, even for a few days, you will have your answer. That is what you want, isn't it?

[neverdonethisbefore]

I would like an answer.

 

Maybe it is the thing to do...

[Chasing_mya]

If you care anything for him please do him and yourself the favor and let it go. It's difficult for some people to end things. They don't want to be the 'bad guy' but he's suffering internally and you are too. He'll continue to let this go for years if you let him. Be strong enough for yourself to end it. The longer this goes on the more pain you both will endure.

[neverdonethisbefore]

I have spoken to him at length about this. He said that my question caught him off guard, he wasn't expecting it and the way i seemed, he thought it was the best thing at the time.

 

Now he says he would like us to put it behind us and carry on.

 

I don't know if i can or if i should. He says he wants a future with me. He says he had no intention of ever leaving, it was me that made him think he should.

 

I'm confused and a unsure whether i should trust him or not.

[whichwayisup]

My god he's playing you like a fiddle and you're very close to believing him. He's LYING to you. If you choose to believe him and continue the affair, just know in a year from now you'll be exactly where you are now. The OW in an affair with a MM who is a serial cheater and has no intention of leaving his wife.

 

Please, see this situation and him for what it is. Take a step back and try to see this from our angle. You can't or won't see what we're saying because you're in the midst of it all and your heart and emotions are preventing you from seeing the reality.

[neverdonethisbefore]

He may be playing me but i am struggling to see why you think that is. Why would he? What's his motivation? What is he getting out of the affair that he would even bother to play me? Isn't that a lot of efgort for very little gain?

 

We are long distance. We see each other once a week for a few hours, no sex. We see each other possibly once every 5 or 6 weeks for a day which does involve sex.

 

Surely he gets more sex than that at home? So what does he need me for if he's not emotionally involved?

 

I really would like to know. I have asked him these questions (apart from the sex one - I definitely don't want to know about that. ) he says he loves me and that's what he's getting out of it. He says he's not happy in his marriage but it's not a terrible marriage either.

[bigman1]

oh dear lord! He likes what he has with you. A fantasy life. Sex every month and a half? That keeps it new and exciting. Weekly or regular, no. That's relationship sex. You don't have a relationship that anticipates a future. Seriously.

 

You and your BH had a real relationship with real challenges. It failed because of one or maybe both of you. fix that or end it.

 

You and AP will NEVER be together. He doesn't want all of you for realsy. He only takes you in small doses. In my pre marriage days,, I was a bit of a dog.. I played this same game. You are being played, but then again, he's a fantasy for you too. In real life, with your kid,, and bills,, and daily relationship work, what is his track record? 2 A's.

[neverdonethisbefore]

Been in this affair 8 months approx now.

 

I have tried to distance myself before and failed miserably. The thing is that i know i should do NC. I know. But it hurts. I tried it and i wasn't strong enough because i'm not ready to lose MM.

 

But, i have to get there. I have to be at a point where i'm ready to let go.

 

I would like to distance myself gradually in the hope that it won't hurt as much. Is that just wishful thinking or can it be done?

 

The problem is that i do love him and not being with him leaves a void in my life.

 

How do i fill that void? Also, how do i deal with the fact that my self esteem is through the floor?

 

What can i do to get out of this as gently (for myself as possible). I really am not ready for NC right now. It would rip my heart out.

 

So... is there another alternative?

[Friskyone4u]

There is no other alternative . You can fool yourself and all you will wind up doing is continuing your affair . I assume your husband does not know so eventually you will most likely get caught (I know you think you never will).

When that happens your world will change.

You are trying to withdraw and continue the. "Heroin" . Does not work . You really think is you are having sex with him three times a week going down to two is going to accomplish anything.'?

All you have to do is read these forums and you will see what you are asking has a simple answer. To end the affair you end it! The alternative is you keep doing it. If you are looking for a painless solution, sorry that is not going to happen .

[neverdonethisbefore]

A painless solution. That's what i'd like. Or a less painful solution than NC.

 

I was a fool. DTK3 told me months ago to not go down this road. He told me i'd end up here where i am now. I wish i'd listened to him.

 

I was self deceiving enough to think that maybe it would be different for me. That this man wasn't lying when he said he loves me.

 

But no. It's not.

 

I haven't spoken to MM all day. He's messaged me 4 times. Yesterday i was too clingy. Today he's messaging me wondering where i am.

 

Do they do this deliberately? It's a total mindf*ck.

 

Does he know he's doing it or is it entirely unconscious?

I wish i could hate him. It would make NC so much easier.