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OM Left me after 4 years ........


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Im very unhappily married with two kids. My husband is much older than me and we have not been in love for years! he cheated on me many times in the past as well. we have not slept together in over 5 years, i work and pay all the bills.

 

I have been married for over 15 years and could never get the courage to leave, I was scared to ruin my kids lives.

 

I fell in deeply in love with a wonderful man about 4 years ago and we have not really been hiding our relationship, and it was amazing... but I never left my husband.

 

Long story short - After 4 years of a very beautiful passionate love affair he left me, out of the blue, he found someone else....he wants to get married and have kids.

 

He told me that if I loved him I would have left my husband after 2 years but he waited 4 years.

 

I just want to tell anyone in a similar situation please don't make my mistake.

 

Leave and marry the one you love.

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Hope Shimmers
I just want to tell anyone in a similar situation please don't make my mistake.

 

Leave and marry the one you love.

 

My question for you is... why was it the right reason to stay for your kids then, but now that he's gone, you regret it?

 

Are you now feeling like the kids wouldn't have been hurt (why now and not then?) or were you thinking before that you would never lose him? Why would it be okay to leave your marriage now but not before?

 

I'm truly and very sorry for your pain. I hope you find a way out of your obviously bad marriage.

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He has done the best thing for himself. Why would he wait any longer? 4 years is a lot of his life to give to you.

 

You made the choice of putting your kids before your personal life and this man, so that's the consequence for you.

 

Cheers,

Poppy

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Yes I've seen several WS 's here say they regret that the A Ended. I don't get this. I think what they really mean is that they are just sad and missing the OP, but not changing their mind.

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Grapesofwrath

Judging by your description of your marriage, you have nothing to work with there. If I was your OM, I would also leave after 4 years of listening to that misery and watch you do nothing, especially if I found love with someone else. As someone who was in a similarly bleak marriage, I can tell you that your children will adjust to life after divorce. It is arguably much worse for them to grow up in a home where their parents are alienated from one another, distant, and cold.

 

Now that he has moved on, you still have the choice to get a D. Not just because it would clear the way for you to try again with OM, but also because your marriage sounds deeply miserable.

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Well why didn't I leave before..... I was planning to, soon... I was just figuring out how to do it. I don't blame him for leaving either I just wish I had known the problem was that serious because I didn't realize thought there was more time, I thought he was happy.

 

And because even though Im not in love with my husband, I still care about him and I can't just throw him out there on his own with no support, I did that years before and he looked like he would die.

 

But yes I have learned from this and I am going to get a divorce one way or another because either way I know this is not healthy for my kids and I don't want this to happen in the future if I am ever so lucky as to find someone as awesome again.

 

Maybe he will come back to me one day and if he does I want to be free.

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This post reads rather differently than your other post on the break up board:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/524140-he-trashed-our-ltr-girl-he-s-known-3-weeks-i-need

 

I understand you are very hurt and angry but if you try to see things from his point of view, he's a young guy who wants a family and four years is a really long time to be the other man.

 

Sorry you are hurting. Please take care of yourself, focus on your kids, get out of your marriage. I hope you find clarity.

Edited by endingpage
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Its not different from the other post, its just the rest of the story I guess that I didn't want to add to the other post because I know all the answers would be judging my marriage situation instead of my relationship with him.

 

I don't really feel angry at him.......I feel very sad and disapointed in myself for all the wrong decisions I have made over the years. And I miss his friendship.

 

And I don't hate him and like I said before I can understand his point of view, and the new girl doesn't bother me at all to me she's irrelevant because I know its a rebound.

 

But in saying all that he knew I was married when we met and he's the one that pushed our relationship to become as serious as it turned out to be. I never lied to him, or cheated I was always honest and loyal from day 1.

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GreySkyMorning
Its not different from the other post, its just the rest of the story I guess that I didn't want to add to the other post because I know all the answers would be judging my marriage situation instead of my relationship with him.

 

I don't really feel angry at him.......I feel very sad and disapointed in myself for all the wrong decisions I have made over the years. And I miss his friendship.

 

And I don't hate him and like I said before I can understand his point of view, and the new girl doesn't bother me at all to me she's irrelevant because I know its a rebound.

 

But in saying all that he knew I was married when we met and he's the one that pushed our relationship to become as serious as it turned out to be. I never lied to him, or cheated I was always honest and loyal from day 1.

 

What makes you think she's a rebound? Is she still pregnant with his baby? I don't know...seems pretty serious to me. A rebound relationship happens when you get dumped. He dumped you, not the other way around. He got tired of you playing around, eating the cake and such. You weren't serious about being with him, so it sounds like he moved on to someone that was more committed to a relationship with him. He sounds happy to me.

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But in saying all that he knew I was married when we met and he's the one that pushed our relationship to become as serious as it turned out to be. I never lied to him, or cheated I was always honest and loyal from day 1.

 

That is some strange logic, you stayed with your husband, despite the OM wanting a serious relationship with you and if we were to look at it from the POV of the OM, you were cheating on him with your husband from day one.

YOU were the only cheater and cake eater in that whole triangle, husband, OM and YOU.

Whether you had sex with your husband or not, the OM I guess thought you were.

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Kbomb, I think the fact that he went with another single woman that he has only known for 3 weeks is a testament to how serious he was that he was tired of waiting and sharing. I think that you are fooling yourself in thinking that you would have left soon. Maybe you should try to accept that you really don't want to leave and try to live happily in your M.

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Well why didn't I leave before..... I was planning to, soon... I was just figuring out how to do it. I don't blame him for leaving either I just wish I had known the problem was that serious because I didn't realize thought there was more time, I thought he was happy.

 

And because even though Im not in love with my husband, I still care about him and I can't just throw him out there on his own with no support, I did that years before and he looked like he would die.

 

But yes I have learned from this and I am going to get a divorce one way or another because either way I know this is not healthy for my kids and I don't want this to happen in the future if I am ever so lucky as to find someone as awesome again.

 

Maybe he will come back to me one day and if he does I want to be free.

 

Why would he be happy with a woman he couldn't spend the night and special occasions with?

 

Why would he be happy with a relationship, where he couldn't freely introduce you as his girlfriend, because you are another man's wife.?

 

I know you're hurt, but common sense would tell you he's getting a raw deal.

 

Please do not get divorced with the sole purpose of pursuing this man who has moved on and ruin his marriage.

 

If you can't tell him right now that your getting divorced to be with him straight away, then leave him alone.

 

The longer you stay in your marriage, the more support you'll have to pay your husband when you divorce.

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Chasing_mya

Chalk this up to a lesson learned. I imagine you feel hurt but you already knew the situation the same way he did. He's asked you to be with him. He told you what he wanted and stayed for 4 years. He found someone who can give him what he wants & needs and made the decision to end things. You weren't leaving so I'm sure he figured why continue wasting more years on something that is a dead end. Take this time to focus on you and if you want to remain married or continue living miserably and supporting your H the rest of your life. Children are smarter than we give them credit for. I'm sure they see how miserable you both are and its a poor example for when they grow up. They will definitely repeat the cycle. I wish you the best and you deserve to be happy.

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This post reads rather differently than your other post on the break up board:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/524140-he-trashed-our-ltr-girl-he-s-known-3-weeks-i-need

 

I understand you are very hurt and angry but if you try to see things from his point of view, he's a young guy who wants a family and four years is a really long time to be the other man.

 

Sorry you are hurting. Please take care of yourself, focus on your kids, get out of your marriage. I hope you find clarity.

 

 

I agree. This is very different from your other thread yesterday. He cheated, you fired him from work and you say you still want to be friends, but he doesn't.

 

You need to leave him alone. He wants kids and it wasn't happening with you. He wanted to get married, you are married to someone else. That's a huge problem right there.

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Why such a discrepancy in threads? Which story is true? And what were the grounds for firing him? Seems kinda sh+tty to take away someone's livelihood because YOU refused to leave a husband you don't love. I am sorry but it just seems to me you are getting your comeuppance. I would hate to see how you treat your enemies.

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Why such a discrepancy in threads? Which story is true? And what were the grounds for firing him? Seems kinda sh+tty to take away someone's livelihood because YOU refused to leave a husband you don't love. I am sorry but it just seems to me you are getting your comeuppance. I would hate to see how you treat your enemies.

 

I agree with this. If you are in fact his boss and fired him in retaliation for no longer having a sexual relationship with you, that's a definite lawsuit. It's also extremely petty of you to do that, so I understand him not wanting anything to do with you now.

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On second thought, It's probably for the best that he not work with her anyway after reading more details. He is young and inexperienced and deserves to have a fairytale relationship with a single woman his age who can marry him and have his children.

Edited by Popsicle
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Ok you can all judge and hate me, but at least im being honest.

 

First off - I fired him for a number of legal reasons, but truth be told I dint want to see him here and her calling my office to talk to him ect like she started doing the very day we broke up!!!!!

 

Also he almost got fired at-least 3 times by my superiors but I went out of my way and made myself look stupid to save his job many times. This was another reason I was not sure about marrying him because it seemed like he could not hold a job.

 

I agree with alot of things you have all said about me, and I know I have made bad decisions and not handled alot of thing the right way, Im human.

But I never lied to him, I was honest and he knew I was married when I met him and hes the one that pushed us to be all serious.

 

I was just told that he did not go home all weekend and has been getting drunk out of his mind. He found out his girl lied to him twice about being pregnant now in the last two months. And he was just hanging around my office smoking this morning and I'm pretty sure hes trying to bump into me now.

 

So obviously hes not so happy as you are suggesting and is only now coming to terms with the loss of our relationship and his decisions. because whether you believe it or not, we had a great and loving relationship despite the problems and your judgements.

 

I think he will be contacting me soon. In-fact I'm sure of it.

 

I am not the horrible person you think I am.

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I think you need to start acting a little more professional at work. First you hired your bf, then you fired your bf, and now you are screwing another co-worker and everyone at work is reporting to you what is going on in your exbf's personal life and you are supposed to be a boss?

 

 

Seriously you sound like a drama lama and you carry out your dysfunctional behavior at work. None of your subordinates will ever say anything to your face but I can imagine what they think and what they say behind your back. Your actions are very unprofessional. You don't sh*t where you eat. Stop bringing your coworkers into your messed up life and just do your job.

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I am not the horrible person you think I am.

 

You're absolutely right.

You aren't. Horrible people are better than this.

 

Let that man walk away in peace. I feel sorry for your kids, they will someday be aware of your dysfunction.

 

The best thing you can do is just keep to yourself in your sham of a marriage. I don't blame the guy for leaving you and getting fired is probably the best thing that could have happened to him. Hopefully he can collect unemployment.

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Lurkeraspect
Ok you can all judge and hate me, but at least im being honest.

 

First off - I fired him for a number of legal reasons, but truth be told I dint want to see him here and her calling my office to talk to him ect like she started doing the very day we broke up!!!!!

 

Also he almost got fired at-least 3 times by my superiors but I went out of my way and made myself look stupid to save his job many times. This was another reason I was not sure about marrying him because it seemed like he could not hold a job.

 

I agree with alot of things you have all said about me, and I know I have made bad decisions and not handled alot of thing the right way, Im human.

But I never lied to him, I was honest and he knew I was married when I met him and hes the one that pushed us to be all serious.

 

I was just told that he did not go home all weekend and has been getting drunk out of his mind. He found out his girl lied to him twice about being pregnant now in the last two months. And he was just hanging around my office smoking this morning and I'm pretty sure hes trying to bump into me now.

 

So obviously hes not so happy as you are suggesting and is only now coming to terms with the loss of our relationship and his decisions. because whether you believe it or not, we had a great and loving relationship despite the problems and your judgements.

 

I think he will be contacting me soon. In-fact I'm sure of it.

 

I am not the horrible person you think I am.

 

Kbomb,

 

I don't think any internet strangers are "judging you, hating you, or think you're a horrible person." Nope. Everyone here is clueless because you have posted 2 different versions of your story. So... no one really knows how to respond to help you, because they're not clear on what your "story" truly is.

 

Are you married? are you separated? No one is clear.

 

Did the OM leave you because you haven't left your marriage in 4 years, and he wants more?

 

Did you fire him from his job because he went out with someone else?

 

If you want some constructive advice, you might try being honest and telling the complete strangers what your story is, and what outcome you'd like. Because I think most of us are baffled and very unclear.

 

Just a thought.

 

P.S. Based on what you've posted above, I find it hard to believe this is a man you think is worth fighting for.

Edited by Lurkeraspect
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