meri77 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I have been seeing a MM for half a year. We were close friends (platonic) for years before we became intimate. I was in an abusive marriage and our involvement helped give me the strength to leave. We both have two young children, mine from my marriage, his two children from his. We were both of the mind that it would probably come to an end after I had finally left my abusive husband.. However, we continued to see each other even after I left my ex and ended up sincerely falling in love. I mean no ill will towards his Wife, I don't want him to leave his Wife and he has always made it clear that he doesn't want to leave her. Nor do I think he should, he has two small children and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. He wants us to speak to his wife about the possibility of her accepting me into their lives - I suppose as a kind of sister wife. He doesn't want to continue living a deceitful life but neither of us want to lose each other. He also seems to think that his Wife could use a good friend (so could I) and he thinks we (me and the Wife) would be perfect for each other as friends and sisters of a sort. He doesn't have a firm game plan for this, it's just something we've been talking about as a concept. Does anyone have any experience with trying this? Or know of anyone who does? I'm expecting a majority of negative responses - i.e., you're crazy etc. But surely this has been successfully done before? Any non-judgmental advice would be great, thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Being honest with the BW sure beats the pants off continuing to see each other behind her back. The continual deception is what is most poisonous. I think the real question is whether you would be truly happy with that arrangement, should she be amenable to it. Happy in the long term. Also, I would want more details on what, precisely, the arrangement would look like. All living together? All sharing a bed? Just the freedom to see each other when you like? If you would be satisfied as a "sister/wife" in that group, in the agreed-upon paramenters, then I think you develop a plan to talk to her and then deal with the consequences. Of course, it's best to be prepared for all possible consequences of that discussion, including rejection, rage, hostility, tears, sorrow, etc. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I think you might have to join certain sects of LDS and move to Utah for that... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I think you might have to join certain sects of LDS and move to Utah for that... Or another Galaxy, Poppy 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meri77 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I think the real question is whether you would be truly happy with that arrangement, should she be amenable to it. Happy in the long term. Also, I would want more details on what, precisely, the arrangement would look like. All living together? All sharing a bed? Just the freedom to see each other when you like? I honestly don't know what form it would take. My feeling is that if there is true acceptance those kinds of details can be worked out. But of course I realize the devil is in the details... Whether I would be happy in the long term... that is a good question. I believe so but we're not planning on doing anything in the immediate future so I have time to think it over... The only thing we do know at this point is that we feel that we should be in each other's lives, we don't want to continue living a double life, and we don't want to break up his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meri77 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I just realized I should have used "BW" instead of "MW" in my thread title, tried to edit the thread title but couldn't. If a moderator could be so kind.. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I think you would just end up getting hurt in the end somehow. He brings it up, the wife says no, and he chooses his wife to save his marriage and cuts you out. Or she says yes at first, gets frustrated after a while, and the same scenario as above. I don't see a happy ending in this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Funny I am in Utah.The Mormons started it and now their against it the sister wives went to Nevada. You can get away with it here though if your not out in the open and doing children. Also they wont go after the husband as long as the first wife agrees.Joseph Smith, wed as many as 40 wives ... young as 14 years old, Kind of weird but that's how it started but now its hidden. Good luck with his wife excepting this. If a person is born into they maybe excepting but I doubt his wife will take kindly to you both cheating behind her back and the lies may make her angry. He was not given permission and it was not an agreement before they said their vows.You can try it tell us how that works for you both. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Or another Galaxy, Poppy ^^^ Heeeeeee OK, I'm struggling with the non-judgmental part so I'll just second Poppy. I just can't even imagine him suggesting this to his BW unless you are already part and parcel of a culture where this is accepted even at the fringes (Fundamentalist LDS is all that comes to mind in the U.S., though I know I shouldn't assume you are American). It's only been six months ... get out! Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Are the two of you going to leave out your past when you speak to his wife? I can't imagine her learning she's been betrayed and then look to you for friendship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I think he is just talkig bs to you,making a fool of you...he would never even believe in the possibilty 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Do I understand this correctly: 1) You are having an A. 2) You and your OM plan on surprising his W with this news. 3) Furthermore, you and OM will then suggest to the BW that her H and you continue to "see each other" in the open. And you think this will turn out well for ANYONE? This is a disaster waiting to happen. Some would say, and I wouldn't be terribly inclined to disagree, that this is already a disaster - you are just making it worse. smh 8 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) I have been seeing a MM for half a year. We were close friends (platonic) for years before we became intimate. I was in an abusive marriage and our involvement helped give me the strength to leave. We both have two young children, mine from my marriage, his two children from his. We were both of the mind that it would probably come to an end after I had finally left my abusive husband.. However, we continued to see each other even after I left my ex and ended up sincerely falling in love. I mean no ill will towards his Wife, I don't want him to leave his Wife and he has always made it clear that he doesn't want to leave her. Nor do I think he should, he has two small children and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. He wants us to speak to his wife about the possibility of her accepting me into their lives - I suppose as a kind of sister wife. He doesn't want to continue living a deceitful life but neither of us want to lose each other. He also seems to think that his Wife could use a good friend (so could I) and he thinks we (me and the Wife) would be perfect for each other as friends and sisters of a sort. He doesn't have a firm game plan for this, it's just something we've been talking about as a concept. Does anyone have any experience with trying this? Or know of anyone who does? I'm expecting a majority of negative responses - i.e., you're crazy etc. But surely this has been successfully done before? Any non-judgmental advice would be great, thanks! In relationships where there are sister-wives or polyamory it usually is something the couple discusses together BEFOREHAND and agree on and go about within a framework of mutually agreeing and wanting it, not a sort of back-tracking and attempted clean-up duty after betrayal has already occurred. It's rarely a case of one person cheating (usually a MM, as you rarely hear MW saying they think their husband and OW could become buddies and brother husbands) and then deciding after some time of cheating that they want both their wife and OW so they will discuss and hope the wife will jump on board. I've heard the wishful thinking here before, a poster sisa has one story like that where her MM was posing this as a possibility. I've heard others. It's never usually a case of it happening and working out but rather the OW saying MM is thinking about this as an idea to solve the cake eating dilemma, or rather to make the cake eating seemingly beneficial to all parties. It's a very common fantasy solution for people it seems when they decide they want wife and OW and won't leave but OW is tired, all of a sudden the I'll tell my wife, she will be fine, you'll be besties and sister wives and all will be swell fantasy comes into play, but in my observation it tends to remain a fantasy and a silly and self-centered one at that. My real life friend also went through this phase with her MM, needless to say he hasn't told his wife because we all know his wife never signed up to be sister wives and certainly not AFTER her husband has been cheating for years, then all of a sudden decides he wants them both and she should now agree. It seems like it will solve all problems in the affair world but in actual life the MM usually never suggests it as it ends up sounding crazy to them too or if any do suggest it, more often than not it backfires and doesn't end up being the sister-wives scenario they wished for. Put yourself in her shoes, say you and MM were husband and wife in a normal scenario and he was cheating on you with someone else, then one day confesses and asks for you to be sister wives, would you agree? I mean, maybe because you want that for yourself you'll feel more apt now to saying you'd agree (or maybe you really would), but if you would never agree to it, chances are his wife won't either. However, I would applaud your MM if he actually poses this plan to his wife and sees what occurs versus the usual where it remains a dream solution in a perfect imaginary world that MM just wishes for. If his wife disagrees either the A will be over or she'll leave him and you and he can be together or the A goes underground OR there is the off chance that she magically agrees and it all works out. Edited April 12, 2015 by MissBee 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 He'd be better off bringing up the concept of an open marriage rather than a sister wife situation. All that means is, he gets TWO women and you both share him. I highly doubt his wife would go for this - But if he is to bring it up to her, it's something he needs to do alone, not with you by his side, that's not fair to her at all. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I have read on several boards for many years and while I have seen it suggested by MM and OW, I have never seen it happen. I would say his wife will either divorce him or tell him to end your affair. A woman doesn't usually choose to be friends with someone who have been having an affair with her husband. There is anger and hate for a long time. Though by all means, he alone should go ahead and suggest it. At least she will know what he has been doing behind her back. Then choose how she wants to handle it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Put yourself in her shoes. Let's say it was you who married him, with the whole 'forsaking all others' part. You didn't sign up for a 3-way marriage. Now all of a sudden, he approaches you and says he thinks that you would "benefit" from a "friend" who would also be sexually and emotionally involved with him. All three of you should live in harmony - wife sisters and all of that. Be friends and confidants. Oh, and by the way, this has been going on behind your back for the past many months, sorry but he wasn't ready to tell you yet until he had this plan worked out in his head. And - oh yeah! He is the only one who gets multiple partners. What you two get is sister wife friendship. Would this be something you would love to hear? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I think it's great that your MM is going to be honest with his wife. She deserves to know the truth and to be given a choice. However I find it highly unlikely that she will be agreeable to this arrangement. I mean what's in it for her? If she wasn't inclined to what a sister wife before she sure as heck isn't going to be open to it after she finds out her husband has been cheating on her. For these kinds of relationships to work there has to be a high degree of trust and honesty between all parties and you both have already destroyed that trust by deceiving her for the last 6 months. Why the heck would she want anything to do with the woman who helped her husband cheat for the past 6 months. And again what on earth would motivate her to suddenly want to share her husband with another woman? If that's not already something she believes in there's no way she's going to go for it and even if it was something she was curious about, you would be the last person she would want to share her husband with. I think your MM is living in Lala land 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author meri77 Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Ok, well it sounds like you guys think it's impossible. But a girl can dream... so I'll keep checking back in case someone has any experience with this scenario working or knows of someone who has. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Ok, well it sounds like you guys think it's impossible. But a girl can dream... so I'll keep checking back in case someone has any experience with this scenario working or knows of someone who has. Thanks for listening. As long as you do realize it is a dream and a little far-fetched. It's not impossible, but it's highly improbable, which is why droves of OW or BW's haven't come forward to say this has happened, as it simply isn't a very common thing which occurs. In my humble opinion, being a former OW myself, I don't think it helps to bet on the odds or simply only look for the one off story that has the outcome you want, but to temper your hope with being realistic and not losing all common sense because of your feelings. I made lots of mistakes in the A but I will say that what I did do well was remain realistic and called out my exAP on the fantastical bull he would sometimes say. I got that he was dreaming and all that, but I didn't allow myself to be carried off by it and chose to stick to the here and now and the likelihood of what he was saying making any sense, which I think helped me a bit more than if I had allowed myself to go on flights of fancies with him and his propositions (though he never proposed anything like this, but had he I would have immediately asked if he was a lunatic or what ). I think that's doing a disservice to yourself if for the most part what your MM is proposing is a dream at best yet you're just going to keep checking back to see if someone else has a success story where they became sister wives with the BW. I mean...you will hardly find it and even if you do, it doesn't at all mean that your situation will turn out like that. I'm not trying to burst your bubble just cause, but having been there and done that, I do want to at least allow you to empower yourself and think clearly instead of going down the road of fantasy and start investing emotionally into this highly unlikely scenario as your future then find yourself even more hurt when you realize it won't happen. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 i can only imagine being a fly on the wall when that conversation goes down. but seriously, i don't think she signed up to be a sister-wife. i have seen heard/seen stranger things happen, though. as was stated earlier, i do commend you on trying to be open about this if you do indeed go through with this. i'm curious... what happens if she goes with a big fat HELL NO!, as is expected? will you two break it off or will it go underground? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Ok, well it sounds like you guys think it's impossible. But a girl can dream... so I'll keep checking back in case someone has any experience with this scenario working or knows of someone who has. Thanks for listening. He doesn't have a firm game plan for this, it's just something we've been talking about as a concept. So he could be future faking or giving you some false hope here. Do you think your kids and his (young) children will adjust to this lifestyle? Really, could you live under one roof? Have 3somes? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) Ok, well it sounds like you guys think it's impossible. But a girl can dream... so I'll keep checking back in case someone has any experience with this scenario working or knows of someone who has. Thanks for listening. it is possible. in fact, i know a couple who has been living for about 30 years in an open marriage and at one point - his mistress was living with them. HOWEVER - they didn't surprise his W with the news, the couple was polygamous from the start. in your situation it probably won't work out for one reason only - none of you are truly polygamous (except for maybe your MM) and you're doing it for the wrong reasons. also, i don't think you're ready living in a polygamy and seeing your MM's relationship with his W in day - to - day life. i don't think you understand what it REALLY means living a life like that. it means keeping both relationships intact, not breaking up with his W so he could be openly with you without divorcing her. it means he will continue his relationship with both her and you. in order for this kind of lifestyle to work out, you all need to want it for right reasons. and you don't - you want it so you don't have to hide anymore & he doesn't want to leave his W & and you don't want to lose him - NOT because you'll enjoy the polygamy and open relationship type of lifestyle. at the end of the day, you really don't want polygamy at all. you just want his W (both you and your MM) to give you her blessings about the entire situation so your MM doesn't have to feel guilty anymore and gets to keep you in his life. but he should ask her - she might kick him out & you'll finally be able to be out and open with him. so it might be a win for you. Edited April 13, 2015 by minimariah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Ok, well it sounds like you guys think it's impossible. But a girl can dream... so I'll keep checking back in case someone has any experience with this scenario working or knows of someone who has. Thanks for listening. Yeah, a girl can dream, but unless you are truly a polygamist, I doubt sharing a man with his wife is actually your dream come true. Sounds like something you would go along with simply because you know your MM won't leave his wife and make you his one and only. That's not dreaming, that's settling. The only person who would benefit from this is your MM so it's his dream. It's certainly not his wife's dream and I really doubt it's your dream. This is an MM who is likely robbing you of your dreams. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Ok, well it sounds like you guys think it's impossible. But a girl can dream... so I'll keep checking back in case someone has any experience with this scenario working or knows of someone who has. Thanks for listening. You really dream about being in a sister-wife situation??? You had the strength to end an abusive M, now find the strength to find a man of your own who will love only you and not ask you to be a part of a circus. You can have so much better than sharing a man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I just realized I should have used "BW" instead of "MW" in my thread title, tried to edit the thread title but couldn't. If a moderator could be so kind.. Fixed that up for you. For other LoveShack 'shorthand', please see this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts