sisa Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 MM and me are quite stable now, we have concrete plan and we are working on it, I will move to his place and work there from this summer, and we both agree live together for a while to see if we fit. he and me were very close before, and now even closer. He tell me how he want to arrange his family, finance, career things and discuss things with me openly, I appreciate that. He and his wife is less contact now, but every time after they contact, I can feel he change from positive to depressed, He feel guilty we do that after talking with her, sometimes she tell him she want to die and sometimes ignore him and don't let him talk to kids. I think this set him back, he start question if what we are doing is worth, and this make us unstable. I don't know how to solve it, I know in future when we live together it will have much conflict because if she find out it will be drama. does any one here face this situation before, and how to solve it? I did want to discuss this with her, but he now tell me it's bad timing because they are talking divorce things. Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 MM and me are quite stable now, we have concrete plan and we are working on it, I will move to his place and work there from this summer, and we both agree live together for a while to see if we fit. he and me were very close before, and now even closer. He tell me how he want to arrange his family, finance, career things and discuss things with me openly, I appreciate that. He and his wife is less contact now, but every time after they contact, I can feel he change from positive to depressed, He feel guilty we do that after talking with her, sometimes she tell him she want to die and sometimes ignore him and don't let him talk to kids. I think this set him back, he start question if what we are doing is worth, and this make us unstable. I don't know how to solve it, I know in future when we live together it will have much conflict because if she find out it will be drama. does any one here face this situation before, and how to solve it? I did want to discuss this with her, but he now tell me it's bad timing because they are talking divorce things. Have both of you admitted the nature of relationship openly? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Are you moving from one country to another? If so, I fear that he has not thought this out thoroughly. Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 How exactly do you think that you can go about "solving" this problem? He has a family, you are the woman he is choosing over his wife, and he feels guilty about it from time-to-time. Apparently, not guilty enough to change his behavior, but guilty enough to question whether what the two of you are doing is really "right." If you think getting an opportunity to talk with his wife will help - think again. I mean what are you going to say? "I am sorry about your pain but your husband and I are very much in love," or "I am sorry about your pain but could you make this easier on your husband because when he talks to you he gets depressed and feels bad and it kind puts a downer on our time together." Listen, when you decide to get involved with a married man you willingly sign up for all the aftermath and pain that will follow. Did you really think that such a selfish act by both of you was gonna be free of any mess? Hey, "if it feels good do it" but if we could just do it without all the consequences... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I know in future when we live together it will have much conflict because if she find out it will be drama. It doesn't have to be drama on your end. If he gets divorced, and she's out of his life, then don't make her problems your problem. Right now, she's your problem because um.. she's married to the guy you're screwing. That makes things rather complicated, but it sounds like it won't always be this way since they're divorcing. At least if you can believe him, but remember, he's a cheater, and cheaters by their very nature are liars and they cannot be taken at their word so tread carefully. does any one here face this situation before, and how to solve it? I did want to discuss this with her, but he now tell me it's bad timing because they are talking divorce things. I've never been in this situation, I'll never BE in such a situation because, well, it's rather simple actually. I don't get involved with people who have spouses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Sisa, you know he lies to you. When it is time for you to move in, he will have an excuse for why you can't. Is he separated? Does his wife know he is divorcing her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Have both of you admitted the nature of relationship openly? only his wife and my family know now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Are you moving from one country to another? If so, I fear that he has not thought this out thoroughly. yes, kind of, both he and me move to another state. The reason has several, but the top reason is he doesn't want his kids know, and he tell me it will affect them if our things spread in home town. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 How exactly do you think that you can go about "solving" this problem? He has a family, you are the woman he is choosing over his wife, and he feels guilty about it from time-to-time. Apparently, not guilty enough to change his behavior, but guilty enough to question whether what the two of you are doing is really "right." If you think getting an opportunity to talk with his wife will help - think again. I mean what are you going to say? "I am sorry about your pain but your husband and I are very much in love," or "I am sorry about your pain but could you make this easier on your husband because when he talks to you he gets depressed and feels bad and it kind puts a downer on our time together." Listen, when you decide to get involved with a married man you willingly sign up for all the aftermath and pain that will follow. Did you really think that such a selfish act by both of you was gonna be free of any mess? Hey, "if it feels good do it" but if we could just do it without all the consequences... I plan to discuss with her the things like how to arrange his time, and try to not see each other as enermy only. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Sisa, you know he lies to you. When it is time for you to move in, he will have an excuse for why you can't. Is he separated? Does his wife know he is divorcing her? They are separate for half year, kids live with mother. He always tell me he miss kids so sometimes he get uneasy. He told me that they are discussing divorce thing, but I don't talk with her directly so I'm not sure if it's real. From his talking, they are discuss where kids live, education, property things. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 They are separate for half year, kids live with mother. He always tell me he miss kids so sometimes he get uneasy. He told me that they are discussing divorce thing, but I don't talk with her directly so I'm not sure if it's real. From his talking, they are discuss where kids live, education, property things. Is he working out of town? I worry for you OP. This situation only works if all people involved are on board with it. It doesn't sound like his wife wants to be in this type of relationship. Protect yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 out of blue, she just call me and I don't know it's her number. She want to meet me and talk, so we arrange coffee tomorrow. I also tell him about this, and he say he its good we meet, and he hope I can use this time to let her know me. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Was she kind, businesslike, angry? What was her mood and what else did she say?? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) MM and me are quite stable now, we have concrete plan and we are working on it, I will move to his place and work there from this summer, and we both agree live together for a while to see if we fit. he and me were very close before, and now even closer. He tell me how he want to arrange his family, finance, career things and discuss things with me openly, I appreciate that. He and his wife is less contact now, but every time after they contact, I can feel he change from positive to depressed, He feel guilty we do that after talking with her, sometimes she tell him she want to die and sometimes ignore him and don't let him talk to kids. I think this set him back, he start question if what we are doing is worth, and this make us unstable. I don't know how to solve it, I know in future when we live together it will have much conflict because if she find out it will be drama. does any one here face this situation before, and how to solve it? I did want to discuss this with her, but he now tell me it's bad timing because they are talking divorce things. Why do you have to live with him??? That's the part of your story I consistently don't get. Why do you need to live with each other BEFORE he divorces? You already pointed out this will cause more drama, so why do it? Take it from the few here who have transitioned into an open R with their MM, most of them did not live with him while he was still married but allowed him to live on his own, allowed the divorce to be final and things to calm down before they made that move. I think you should do the same. It seems that sometimes people rush to move in after the affair scenario, esp the OW, because they believe that will make things "real" and lock MM down with them but unfortunately, there have also been cases where the MM in a rush told his wife, moved in with OW after dday then ended up moving right back out and with his wife. So please for your own sake I'd suggest allowing him to actually divorce his wife and settle things with her and his children before moving in with you or you him and making BOTH of your lives potentially more miserable. Sorry, this doesn't sound stable to me. Stable is: MM has divorced, been separated from his wife for a year, they are learning to co-parent and then you and he are dating like an ordinary couple before any moving in occurs. Edited to add: I just realize this is the same , sorry to say, but absurd plan as before. He is going to move to another state with you and leave his kids then pretend he's working and hide your relationship from his wife and kids. So will they ever visit him or will he only visit them? If they come to visit do you have to hide your stuff and stay at the hotel or tell them you're the housekeeper? I mean how exactly can he LIVE with you in secret??? This man sounds insane and irrational frankly and I fear you agreeing to his plans puts your own judgment into question as well.Look....I don't know what else to tell you, because if to you this all sounds reasonable, then I'm not sure what else to say besides good luck and if it falls a part, which is likely, you'll hopefully have learned a useful lesson. Edited March 30, 2015 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 out of blue, she just call me and I don't know it's her number. She want to meet me and talk, so we arrange coffee tomorrow. I also tell him about this, and he say he its good we meet, and he hope I can use this time to let her know me. I think this idea is actually a good one in your case. I do have some (completely unsolicited) advice. Make a list of questions you want to ask her/topics you wish to discuss before you go, I imagine in your situation there will be lots of these. I would also strongly advise making a list of things MM has told you (i.e. timeline for divorce, how long they have been separated etc.) and getting her to confirm, for your own peace of mind. Try to avoid talking about feelings and instead stick to facts. Be prepared to listen, really listen to what the wife has to say. Be kind, both to yourself and her. Good luck, please let us know how it goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I thought you two lived in different countries, which was why you had to live with him right away? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I think this idea is actually a good one in your case. I do have some (completely unsolicited) advice. Make a list of questions you want to ask her/topics you wish to discuss before you go, I imagine in your situation there will be lots of these. I would also strongly advise making a list of things MM has told you (i.e. timeline for divorce, how long they have been separated etc.) and getting her to confirm, for your own peace of mind. Try to avoid talking about feelings and instead stick to facts. Be prepared to listen, really listen to what the wife has to say. Be kind, both to yourself and her. Good luck, please let us know how it goes. yes, but I am thinking if asking their devolve things is proper, because it things between them, and I don't know if asking her this, make her become drama, MM told me that I should careful what I talk because she might record it or use it to against me. Her voice sound rational yesterday, but we don't talk much just arrange a meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Why do this if you're not going to be upfront and honest? What could you hope to accomplish. How could she use anything against YOU? According to him, he's told her everything. After suggesting the two of you meet, it sounds shady for him to tell you what you may or may not say. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 yes, but I am thinking if asking their devolve things is proper, because it things between them, and I don't know if asking her this, make her become drama, MM told me that I should careful what I talk because she might record it or use it to against me. Her voice sound rational yesterday, but we don't talk much just arrange a meeting. You don't have to ask for the nitty, gritty details, just as I say, try confirm the 'facts' MM has told you. I.e. MM has explained you've been separated since x, and you are currently discussing custody arrangements and are on track to divorce at x time, is that accurate? You intend to stay in the home, he intends to move location x... etc etc. She may get emotional about it - in fact I would expect her too, she's talking about a marriage split - but that's no reason not to ask. You may not get this chance again so I really think you should attempt to get as much out of it as possible. As for the recording thing... what's she going to use against you if all you're doing is trying to confirm the situation? The fact that MM says this makes me suspicious. Maybe YOU should record it/take notes so you have a record of what's been discussed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 the meeting was fine, we both rational and clam. she told me she can't accept the situation as how it is right now. What she want now is peace feelings and want a new start. She said she plan to divorce this summer, and after time pass by she also feel things will get settle in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 So the meeting was fine, we both rational and clam. she told me she can't accept the situation as how it is right now. What she want now is peace feelings and want a new start. She said she plan to divorce this summer, and after time pass by she also feel things will get settle in the end. So things is clear and MM didn't lie to me. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 What did you say to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sisa Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 we talked about many things, but the main topic is about how deal with the current situation that MM want both. I told her I want MM be single and she agrees. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 we talked about many things, but the main topic is about how deal with the current situation that MM want both. I told her I want MM be single and she agrees. If I were her, I would divorce him too. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 So he is not leaving her persay. . She does not accept you...so is willing to divorce him You get him by default ... and its if the divorce goes through ...its a long road from talking about divorce to actually getting one ... It's just sounds like two women discussed calmly who gets the prize ...He is no prize ...Two women needs to make that decision for him...at least his wife has the dignity and respect to not accept this situation and walk away.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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